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WOODY MILLER
Friday, May 09, 2008
Hey Woody!
My boyfriend and I are both healthy, monogamous and HIV-negative. He wants to stop using condoms, but I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. He’s insulted because he thinks it’s a sign I don’t trust him. I don’t know what I think, but my gut says ‘no.’
Am I wrong?
Dear Unsure,
OK, picture this: You’re a Siamese twin. Your lover, attached at your shoulder, is a bottom. You’re a top. He’s going to cheat on you tonight. You only have one ass.
My point, and I do have one, is that only Siamese twins know if the person they’re attached to is going to cheat.
Studies show 25 percent of married men have cheated on their wives at some point. Gay men? I don’t even want to go there.
I don’t mean to be pessimistic, because there are lots of monogamous couples, but people are human. They make mistakes. They have a sincere intention to keep their word, but they often don’t.
They change, you change, circumstances change. That’s why you have to ask yourself this fundamental question if you want to resolve your dilemma:
Knowing there’s a high probability that one of us is going to cheat at some point in the relationship, am I willing to take the risk?
Now, before you answer, consider these factors:
What’s your partner’s sexual history? Did he have an odometer on his bed when you first met him, or was he “reasonably promiscuous”?
History is the best indication of the future. If he was an indiscriminate, meat-starved nympho before he met you, chances are greater that he’s going to cheat than if he was “reasonably promiscuous.”
What was your partner’s view about condoms when you met him? When you first asked him about a condom, did he say, “No, I live in a house”? Or did he know what they were and insist on using them? If he didn’t, and he ends up cheating, he’s likely to do it without a condom, putting you at great risk.
How easy is it for y’all to talk about sex? The more difficulty you have talking about it, the more likely one of you is going to do the No Pants Dance with a stranger. Communication is the best way to trick-proof your marriage.
If you go deaf, dumb and blind on the subject, it’s just a matter of time before one of you walks in on the other and says, “Honey, that better be me you’re screwing, or we’re through!”
How sure are you that he’s never going to cheat? Read Malcom Gladwell’s “Blink.”
Unless you’re a paranoid drama queen, don’t listen to “reason” or facts when your gut tells you something different. Point your intuition meter at his crotch. Does it point to safety or bust a coil?
If he does cheat, how sure are you that he’ll use a condom? Maybe you can live with him wandering from time to time, but will he wander safely?
Even though I was monogamous in my last relationship (don’t ask me how that happened; it shocked the hell out of me, too), we both agreed to use condoms. We saw it as buying a life insurance policy. We bought it not because we were certain that something was going to happen, but in case it did.
But that was us. Every couple needs to decide for themselves.
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