April 26, 2012 | by Meghann Novinskie and Kim Rosenberg
Desperate desires?

It’s important when searching for love to not give off a sense of desperation — approaching it that way is setting yourself up for failure.

We’re not judging — many of us have been there. But the way you go about it can make all the difference.

It’s an easy trap to fall into. Many of us have craved ardently for a good relationship and felt like all our friends are joined up. But this is one time where drastic situations should not call for drastic measures. Think about why you feel you need someone so badly. Is there a void you’re trying to fill? Do you really want to be in a committed relationship or are you just looking to fit someone into the ideal mold of a relationship you so badly crave? If so, this is the wrong reason to be looking.

Even if you’re not feeling desperate, navigating the waters of dating is challenging. You may not realize that the look on your face might be the “puppy dog” look, which few people find attractive. Hitting the bar or LGBT networking circuit with this look usually turns potential daters into missed opportunities. Some more immature singles might go as far as to try and sabotage friends’ relationships so they aren’t the only one single, and again, work against their true goal of finding a mate.

Here’s the scenario: You start “cruising” the bar, looking for that special someone, who might be attractive or pay you a couple minutes of attention. From an outside perspective, it’s a bit creepy seeing someone lurking around every corner, checking out every well-dressed lady/gent. You finally see someone who catches your eye. What happens when you actually approach him? The look of desperation shows on our face and in your mannerisms — not cute. Do you slur your words because you are drunk, perhaps self-medicating and feeling sorry for yourself? Hopefully not, but unfortunately many have made this mistake. Take a deep breath, relax, and reevaluate your dating goals — to which extent are you going to find a serious relationship?  Timing has a lot to do with dating. Be proactive and do something different — if the bar scene hasn’t worked for you yet, it certainly won’t now.

Maybe you aren’t the bar scene type, so take it to the next level and begin dating online. This can be time consuming for most professionals, but writing how amazing you are and describing your positive qualities “on paper” might be a good confidence boost. Desperate singles might write a profile about how they are a hopeless romantic or are the type to “love the little things in life,” but this can read like a cry for help. “Selling yourself” online is very hard for many people to do. Solution? Have friends help write your online dating profile. They know you best and can describe you from a genuine perspective. Too shy to ask a friend for help? We know of a few agencies that will assist you in writing an online profile for you.

If you think you might be desperate in your relationship search and are considering hiring a matchmaker or personal dating coach, there are a few things to consider first. For starters, why are you feeling desperate?  What is your true level of self-confidence? Why is a relationship important to you? Modeling your own goals after what friends or family want for you may not be the right path.

Break down your true goals and feelings about your future relationship with your dating coach. Any professional in our industry understands how hard dating can be, so be direct and open and don’t put up a tough front just to appear that you don’t need help. We want nothing more than for you to succeed but we can’t help you reach your goals without honesty and true self-evaluation.

As matchmakers and being in the business of helping people fall in love, we know that unless you are ready to let go of control and be open to experiencing the process in “mature dating,” you won’t be successful.  Everyone wants to find love, but we have been doing this long enough to know that desperate daters are usually the people who will take much longer to find their special someone.

A good first step in getting over your desperation is not to point fingers at everyone else because you are single. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. Self-confidence is a very attractive quality.  Desperation screams insecurity. Step up to the plate, take a look in the mirror and see if you are ready to do the work to meet that special someone.

Specific question or need advice? Email us at info@mixologydc.com or follow us on Twitter @MegNovinskie @KimRosenbergDC.

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