Advice
Advice: The trouble with apps
Gay couples need several safeguards in place before flirting online
Dear Michael,
Thank you for recently addressing hookup apps. While your column focused on single people, I want to know if partnered people can healthily use them.
Ben and I have been dating for several years. At first, we were completely monogamous, but Ben began to resent me for keeping him from having sex with others and we broke up.
I came back into the relationship with an “open” mind, but it seems like Ben has more encounters than I do and prefers to use these apps over having sex with me. He is always on his phone when we’re together and it’s making me feel lousy. I feel like others are getting what I don’t have and what I desperately want: good sex and attention from Ben.
I’ve expressed my feelings with him on this before, but I feel like his desires outweigh his concern for my feelings of jealousy, pain and abandonment. Am I overreacting or is he crossing boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed?
Michael responds:
For partnered people to healthily have an open relationship/use hookup apps, I would say that all of the following must be in place:
Both partners agree to the open relationship. People often hook up behind their partnerās back. Thatās not an open relationship, thatās cheating. Dishonesty does not make for a healthy relationship, which requires mutual respect and deserved trust.
The hookups are not damaging the relationship. You can make a great case for why your partner should not be bothered by your sexcapades, such as āItās just sex,ā āI donāt love/care about the other guys,ā āYou have no reason to feel threatenedā and āeveryone I know is on this app.ā But thereās no getting around the fact that your partner may still be jealous or hurt. If your partner is bothered by your hookups, they are damaging your relationship.
The hookups are not negatively impacting the partnersā sex life with each other.Ā Because newness is exciting, a cute guy on an app will probably register as more alluring than your partner of four years. So if youāre sexually bored with your partner, hooking up with app guy may seem like a great, easy way to add excitement and passion to your life.Ā But going this route makes it unlikely that you will put in an earnest effort to improve sex with your long-term partner. And thatās a big negative impact.
You are able to use the app without getting addicted to it. Good luck avoiding this. As I wrote in my previous column, addiction to hookup apps, once you start using them, is extremely likely, because these apps are inherently addictive.
Handing your question back to you: Do you think that in your relationship, hookup apps are being used in a healthy way?
It is worth your getting clear about why you decided to come back to Ben after breaking up. I do not get any sense that you actually had made your peace with Benās desire for a more open relationship, because this issue continues to cause you great distress. Nor, obviously, did the two of you come to any resolution over how to handle this important difference, because it is still a deep fault line down the middle of your relationship.
When you sidestep huge issues, such as how you will structure your relationship, you are just kicking them down the road. Now the day of reckoning is here and you have an important opportunity to figure out your standards around how you do and do not want to live. Is your bottom line a relationship with more together time and less app/hookup time? Letting Ben know what you are willing to live with and what you are not willing to live with will be far more powerful than protesting that your feelings are being hurt or trying to guilt him into changing his behavior, while living with resentment.
But remember that no matter what you would like, Ben may choose to spend as much time on his apps, and hooking up, as he wishes. So you may not get the relationship that you want with Ben.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information in the questions has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
Giving up drinking is killing our relationship
What happens when one partner is sober and the other isnāt
Iām a 38-year-old guy, was single for most of my 30s, which I didnāt like at all, and I finally met a great guy last Memorial Day Weekend.
Until New Yearās I would have said that everything was going great. I was on Cloud Nine. Eric is kind, handsome, smart, and a great catch.
But in December he decided to do āDry January.ā It was kind of on a whim I think. We were out with some friends and one of them said he was not going to drink at all for the month of January.Ā He thought alcohol was playing too big a role in his life so he wanted to see what life would be like without it. Another friend said he would do it too, and then Eric said he would.
I wish we hadnāt gone out that night and then this whole thing wouldnāt have happened.
So, as the month progressed, Eric started talking more and more about how much better he was feeling without alcohol in his body or his life.
I donāt think we drank that much pre-January. Yes, weād have something to drink every time we went out, with friends or just together, but not to excess.
At some point, Eric started saying that he wasnāt really enjoying going out with our friends, as he wasnāt drinking and they were (except the two friends who were also doing the Dry January thing). This meant Iād either go out without him (which I didnāt like) or weād stay home, or go out just the two of us. But then if Iām drinking and heās not, it just feels awkward. He hasnāt said anything but I feel like heās judging me whenever I have a drink.
I was hoping heād relax about the whole thing at the end of the month but now heās decided he doesnāt want to drink anymore at all.
To make matters worse, he says that the month made him think more about the big role alcohol plays in his life (his words) and he has started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
So where does this leave me? I do want to keep drinking. Iām just a social drinker and I donāt have a problem with alcohol. I think it adds a fair amount of fun to my life. Plus, all my friends drink (including the two who did Dry January) and itās a big part of our socializing. If you donāt drink when everyone else is drinking, itās really not fun and it feels weird.
At this point Eric doesnāt go out with the friend group we were going out with because he doesnāt have a good time as the only non-drinker. (I get it, thatās one of the reasons I drink when my friends are drinking.) So I go out sometimes without him, which as I mentioned doesnāt feel so good, and which I donāt think is great for our relationship; or I donāt go out with my friends, which I donāt like.
I love Eric and I could see us having a great life together but his not drinking has opened what feels like a chasm between us.
How do couples handle this situation, where one person wants to stop drinking and the other does not? The impact is seeming increasingly huge to me and I donāt see how to make it stop being a divisive problem.
Michael replies:
I donāt think that Ericās sobriety needs to be a divisive problem, if you can tolerate that you donāt get to have your life with Eric be exactly as you would like.
This is the same dilemma that everyone in a serious relationship must face. Our partners are always different from us in some important ways, even if it doesnāt seem that way at first. And we have to figure out how to live with these differences, contentedly for the most part. Our partners face the same challenge.
Of course, not every difference can be (or should be) resolvable. For example, if one person is determined to parent and the other person is determined to be child-free, it makes great sense to part ways ā unless one person decides theyād rather stay with their partner than have it their way.
You and Eric have to figure out if your differences around alcohol are a deal-breaker, or if you can find a way to build a solid relationship, even as you drink socially and he is sober.
Whether and how you do this are for the two of you to figure out. That said, here are some ideas for your consideration:
- Can you accept Ericās not joining you for some or even many of your social activities?
- Can you and Eric talk about what might help him be more comfortable joining your friends now and then?
- Can you ask Eric what itās like for him when you are drinking, rather than assuming that he is judging you? (Important question for your consideration: What led you to make that assumption rather than asking him?)
- If Eric is making friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, would you want to join him at times when he socializes with them?
The main ingredients here are generosity, flexibility, collaboration, and curiosity.
Speaking of curiosity, rather than wishing that the two of you had missed that invitation to participate in Dry January, how about being curious about Ericās decision to stop drinking? I suspect that your dismissiveness has a negative impact on his desire to be close to or confide in you. If you are curious about this important life change that Eric is undertaking, you will certainly learn a lot about your boyfriend, and likely deepen your connection.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
Advice
Tips for strengthening your relationship
On Valentineās Day, recommit to tackling challenges together
Working as a couples therapist, Iāve had many people tell me over the years how difficult they think it is to have a happy relationship. āThe divorce rate is over 50%.ā āItās so much work.ā āIf itās this hard, something must be wrong.ā
Hereās some very good news: The high divorce rate and the number of failed relationships you see around you need have no impact on the success of your own relationship.
While building and maintaining a healthy relationship takes effort, doing so is possible, and the ongoing challenge of finding creative and loving ways to handle tough challenges can actually be fun.
In the spirit of Valentineās Day, here are my top suggestions for steps you can take to have a great relationship.
Please keep in mind that while these steps are simple in concept, they are not always easy to practice. So donāt get discouraged. And remember that if you consistently work at doing your best in your relationship, doing so will likely get easier over time.
- Strive to always have a sense of humor about how difficult relationships can be. Weāre all different in big ways, so of course itās hard to share your life with someone at times. If you can keep this in mind instead of thinking āthis should be easy,ā you will actually have a much easier time navigating the challenges of being coupled.
- Avoid wanting to be āright.ā By this, I mean both trying to prove to your partner that you are right, and simply maintaining the belief in your mind that you are right. Wallowing in this belief gives you a sense of superiority, competition, and grievance, all of which are corrosive to your relationship. In addition, if there is a winner in the relationship, there is a loser, and thatās a terrible dynamic for a couple to have.
- Aim to be generous: Be open to saying āyesā to your partnerās requests whenever possible; endeavor not to keep score on who has been more generous; and make it a priority to support your partnerās happiness. And at the same time:
- Have a boundary when necessary. When you say āno,ā do so from your integrity, not from scorekeeping or spite. This means understanding why something is important to your partner, while at the same time being clear that something different is even more important to you that requires saying ānoā to your partnerās request.
- Accept that disappointment is inevitable in every relationship. Because we are all different, we will at times see, understand, think, prioritize, and behave in ways that are very different from our partners, including on important matters. Therefore, itās inevitable that we will occasionally be gravely disappointed in our partners, just as they will be gravely disappointed in us. Thatās life. Accepting this truth can make it easier to bear.
- Advocate for what is important to you. Two caveats, though. First, you donāt want to weigh down the relationship with too many requests. Second, be prepared to not always get what you ask for. It is not your partnerās job to meet your every want.
- Donāt wait for your partner to make the first move when you want something to happen. If both of you are waiting for the other person to go first, nothing will happen. This includes (but is absolutely not limited to) apologies, initiating sex, planning vacations, and starting hard conversations.
On a related note:
- Focus on what you can do to improve a situation, rather than on what your partner is doing, is not doing, or should be doing. We donāt have much power over the other person, but we have a lot of power over ourselves.
A special note for gay men: Open relationships appear to be practically the norm these days, but they are tricky to conduct well. (Yes, monogamy has its own challenges.) Jealousy, messy boundaries, dishonesty, and trust issues get easily activated. If you want to build a strong open relationship, be aware that doing so takes a lot of skill, a lot of honesty, a lot of acceptance, and some ways of keeping your primary relationship special.
Also keep in mind that being a gay man doesnāt automatically provide skills such as:
- The solidity of self to be trusting and generous.
- The ability to sense how far boundaries can be pushed without doing too much damage.
- The capacity to transcend feelings of jealousy and pain.
- The strength of character not to idealize outside sex partners.
Wishing you a happy Valentineās Day!
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
Advice
When one half of a couple wants kids and the other doesnāt
How to navigate the biggest decision spouses will make
Dear Michael,
Iām wrestling with my fiancĆ© about becoming parents and itās delaying our getting married.
Weāve been dating for three years and would like to spend our lives together. But the issue of becoming parents has always been a source of disagreement for us.
Will says he has never been that interested, while Iāve always wanted to be a dad.
Will says he is willing to do it if itās important to me but heās really concerned he will be resentful. He doesnāt want to give up having an active social life that includes going out a fair amount, drinks, dinners, and vacations with our friends, lots of time at the gym, etc.
I like doing those things too but Iām feeling that Iām at a stage of my life (Iām 31) where I can put a fair amount of that behind me in order to focus on creating and raising a family. I wish he would also be willing to do so, but I know I canāt change his priorities.
I am hopeful we can work this out. For starters, I think that since he wants to go out more than I do, I could stay home a fair amount of the time and take care of the kids when heās doing what he wants to do.
Also, we are both pretty successful and could afford a fair amount of child care (especially as we advance in our careersāand weāre not going to be having children right away) so Iām thinking we could have a nanny who could take care of the kids when we want to stay out late or go away for a weekend, or even come with us sometimes when we travel so that weāre able to also do whatās important to Will and not just be with the kids at every moment.
Iām thinking we can have the best of both worlds.
Willās not as optimistic as I am and this worries me. I think Iāve come up with some good solutions and would like him to be supportive and on board. He says he doesnāt think itās that simple but when I press him for what that means, he wonāt say.
I donāt feel like we can get married until weāve figured this out. What are your thoughts for how we can get to a place of agreement on this?
Michael replies:
If you and Will are going to build a successful long-term marriage, you both will need to develop your ability to discuss hard topics, including your differences of opinion on important matters. Otherwise, you will have a lot of resentment, anger, and misunderstandings over the years.
Your current gridlock is an opportunity for both of you to work on tolerating hard conversations and the possibility of tremendous letdowns. This isnāt fun, but itās an essential part of being in an intimate relationship.
My hunch is that Will wonāt give you a straight answer because he doesnāt want to let you down. You canāt force him to tell you what heās thinking, but perhaps you can get his answer by letting him know that you want to know what heās thinking, even if what heās thinking may gravely disappoint you.
For you to have this conversation with Will, you will have to mean what you say: You must be prepared for him to tell you that he doesnāt want to be a father.
Unless Will is willing to parent with an open heart and without resentment, going forward with parenthood would be a mistake. The resentment would be corrosive to your relationship and would damage any children you might have. Children should never be made to feel that they are a burden or annoyance to a parent.
Letās look at your thoughts on making parenting more palatable for Will.
With regard to your idea that the two of you could frequently go out and travel, while leaving the kids with a nanny: Good parenting is time-intensive. Especially in the early years, itās vital that you consistently convey to children through your presence and actions that you are there for them, that you love them, and that they are your top priority. This is how children develop a āsecure attachmentā ā the bedrock of strong self-esteem, a sense of security that comes from inside, and the ability to form healthy relationships.
I certainly donāt mean being present every minute ā obviously, most parents have jobs, rely to some degree on childcare and babysitters, and need some time to occasionally have at least a bit of a life apart from being a parent. And I canāt tell you exactly what āenoughā is, other than to say that parents should generally be the ones to wake their children up, feed them at least some of their meals, take them on adventures, bake cookies together, just hang out, read books to them, do the bedtime routine, and be there in those middle-of-the-nights when a child needs comforting.
Your idea of staying home while Will does his thing seems like a quick road to resentment. Do you think youād be happy wishing him a fun night on the town while youāre staying home for the umpteenth time with a sick or wound-up toddler who refuses to go to sleep, or simply stuck doing the bedtime routine solo, yet again? Moreover, it would be awful for your child to have a sense that one of his or her parents is somehow distant or unreliable. You want to aim for your kids to feel like they are the apple of your eye.
Here’s an idea: You are apparently doing all the work to figure out how to make parenting easy on Will. How about asking Will for his ideas on what it would take to make parenting something heād be willing to do? Perhaps if the two of you collaborate, you could find a way forward that works for you both.
On a related note, talking with parents (gay and straight) of young children about their experiences would be helpful and eye-opening to you both in all sorts of ways.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
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