January 15, 2014 | by Michael Radkowsky
The risk factor
fisting, fist, gloves, gay news, Washington Blade

If you are determined to fist and your partner isn’t interested and he does not want to open the relationship, you are indeed facing a dealbreaker issue. (Photo by Bigstock)

Michael,

 

Your recent advice to the fisting top whose boyfriend wasn’t interested left me with mixed feelings.

On one hand, I like your drawing a line between saying, “This is important to me” as a way to make a request of your partner versus “you are obligated to participate.” But your seeming to lay down an ultimatum of “if your partner isn’t willing to join you, you have to either do without or end the relationship” perplexed me.

What about trying to negotiate an arrangement like “we’re an exclusive couple, except you can go to fisting parties every month or so, with the following ground rules”?

This might not be a workable solution for everybody — it does require a lot of time, communication and trust — but I’d hate to see an otherwise rewarding relationship fail because the parties didn’t have the tools or skills to think outside the box with regard to negotiation. Fisting is a fairly niche activity (and one that’s incredibly low-risk for a knowledgeable and responsible top) that there’s a world of difference between “I want to do this activity in a way we can both be OK with, which might involve casual outside partners” and “let’s go crazy and have an open relationship.”

 

Michael replies:

 

If you are determined to fist and your partner isn’t interested and he does not want to open the relationship, you are indeed facing a dealbreaker issue. If he does agree to your fisting other people, then of course you can go for it. But be aware that you might run into some hazards. Here are three big ones that people who open their relationships frequently encounter:

First, no matter how casual the sex you are having outside of your relationship or how unconnected you plan to be with outside sex partners, you may get interested in guys other than your boyfriend. It’s usually exciting to have sex in ways that you don’t have it at home and new sex partners are often a big turn-on. The result: sex with your long-term guy may start to seem bland, leading your thoughts and fantasies elsewhere. Where might that take you?

Second, although it may seem logical to both you and your partner that he shouldn’t feel threatened or jealous of your having sex with other people, especially if you are pursuing some sort of sexual activity that he doesn’t want to engage in with you, he may still ultimately get upset. Our feelings aren’t logical and if you’re spending time hooking up with others, your partner may wind up feeling hurt and angry, no matter what your agreement.

Third, even if you set limits on how often you are having outside sex, you’re still going to be putting energy and excitement into encounters with other guys rather than into life with your partner. This is usually not a recipe for maintaining a hot sex life or a strong relationship at home.

I get your point that a person in this situation might have a limited interaction with the guys he’s fisting, but it’s also true that fisting — just like negotiating with one’s primary partner — requires time, communication and trust, three main ingredients of bonding. So you may wind up developing a powerful bond with one of these guys. And then what?

Opening your relationship can seem like a fantastic way to have great sex that you aren’t having with your partner. But no matter how many rules you have in place, outside sex may put your relationship in a vulnerable spot. Before making such a move, I suggest you discuss two questions with your partner: Is hot sex with someone else worth the risk?  And can we have sex with other people while still nurturing and strengthening our relationship?

Finally, keep in mind that no matter how much planning or thinking you do beforehand, you can’t know in advance how things will turn out.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

1 Comment
  • Michael, thank you for pointing out the reasons as to why an 'open" relationship is such a huge mistake for the relationship. Anyone suggesting that an open relationship is "normal" or acceptable does not understand what the definition of a relationship is. It is really sad that someone would suggest an open relationship when the one partner does not want to partake in a particular sexual act. If one partner can not respect the wishes of another then the relationship was not based on love or respect and should come to an end.

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