(Author’s note: The content of this article may be triggering for some readers. If you or someone you know struggles with suicidal ideation, support can be found by calling or texting 988.) 

In becoming a barback, I dove headfirst into the underbelly of fast-paced, homoerotic nightlife, which can be as stressful as it is fun but almost always entertaining. For me, though, the best part has been the camaraderie formed with my staff, in particular the other barbacks, all of whom bust ass behind the scenes while sharing laughs and memes along the way. Among this crew I’ve formed solid, healthy friendships, although it’s Marsel in particular who sees me in a way most in D.C. never has. 

At first, I wasn’t sure if Marsel and I would get along. He’s ripped, tatted, confident, and hot, which is essentially the recipe for intimidating. Then we worked bar shifts together and I finally got to know him. Turns out he’s insanely witty, kind if you’re not an asshole, and overall easy to talk to. As it so happens, he and I are quite similar: two gays in our mid-30s working as barbacks who ended up in D.C. after growing up in rural, ruby-red states. Still, one parallel stands out above the rest: we both also have daddy issues. 

That’s right—it’s a cliché and often a punch line of jokes (which can still be funny, by the way), but the reality for many queers is rejection from one or both parents. For some, including Marsel and me, the traits of a toxic parent warps childhood beyond just conservative thinking. Case in point: both of our dads harbored deeply rooted anger and resentment, making their reaction to learning who we are seemingly inevitable. 

For Marsel, that pivotal moment came when his parents discovered he had a boyfriend in high school. In addition to filling his mind with fears about being gay, “they made me switch schools, severely monitored all my communications, what I would wear to school, and who I could hang out with. I spent the remainder of my high school years alone with no friends, isolated in a rural town outside of Nashville.” 

A few years later, Marsel’s parents kicked him out upon learning he engaged in sexual activity with men. “They expelled me from the family home and, for many years, treated me as though I no longer existed to them. I spent the better part of a year living in my car and the rest of the time couch-surfing, relying on the kindness of friends.” 

As for me: my dad served dual roles as patriarch and specter of my family. He was abusive physically and verbally, though still I tried maintaining a connection to the guy, likely fueling my attraction to mean guys but that’s another story. Despite my efforts, my father abruptly ended our relationship shortly after I came out. In our last phone call, he couldn’t even say the word gay, choosing instead “the way you are.” From there he listed everything he disliked about me, none of which was my homosexuality because these days no one admits so boldly to prejudice. Instead, they gaslight you with every other vulnerability as justification for mistreating you. 

It’s been well over a decade since I’ve spoken to or even seen my father, and at this point I’m certain he’ll happily march to his grave without seeing me again. Losing a parent is always hard. Losing one because they don’t want to love you anymore, well—it’s a searing pain that rips your heart wide open. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. 

Sadly, stories like these are far from unique among queers, nor are they the sole trauma we experience. From living in shadows and in shame, to schoolyard bullying and alienation, to pressures of religion or toxic masculinity, to a higher likelihood of sexual violence or discrimination in the workplace, we are affronted with so many traumas they’re nearly a marker for our kind. This also doesn’t include intersectionality with other traumas, such as a growing up in America a woman, a person of color, or poor. It’s no wonder, then, that the National Institutes of Health (NIH) published a review last year declaring, “LGBTQ people are at higher risk of PTSD compared with their cisgender/heterosexual peers.”

To most queers, what I just described is neither new nor surprising. In fact, in the face of this collective trauma, queers often come together in the form of fundraisers or Pride events. Yet despite rallying around the common inputs of our trauma, we rarely discuss the outputs. That’s right — emotional trauma has outputs, as neuroscience has proven, and when left untreated those outputs emerge as toxic traits in our adult lives.  

To illustrate, let’s take it back to Marsel. While he hoped to leave his past behind in Tennessee, that wasn’t the case. “For things I hadn’t fully processed or dealt with, my past trauma would bubble up to the surface in the form of emotional triggers, which would inevitably spark my anger. My anger manifested in various ways, and I would often find reasons to justify my behavior. I was angry about my relationships, angry about my body, angry about my career – basically, I was angry about everything. And the root of all that anger was the unresolved trauma I hadn’t properly addressed.”

I couldn’t relate more. I tried to be tough and pretend I didn’t care that my father abandoned me, but the thought still crossed my mind and crushed me every time. Then I took that pain and subconsciously projected my anger everywhere — onto friends, onto other gays, onto myself, but especially onto my relationships, where I’d swing like a pendulum between states of hyperattachment and hyperdetachment with almost no in-between. Steadily, my unresolved trauma chipped away at my self-worth, and once that goes, self-destruction is inevitable. 

Since the path to self-destruction is riddled with more trauma, the downward spiral only gets steeper. “My most impactful and lasting piece of trauma occurred two days before my 25th birthday,” Marsel told me. “The summer of 2013 I had been more than reckless with the frequency of my sexual encounters. I had often done pretty dangerous and wild things in regard to meeting up with guys. Then, on Dec. 10, 2013, I found out I was HIV positive. 

 “At the time it was quite Earth-shattering news because I knew no one who was positive and had no idea what this would mean for me. I was pretty hard on myself for being reckless, and it took a bit to pick myself up, but over time I used it to inspire me to live my life fully and authentically.” 

Often it takes Earth-shattering events to serve as a wakeup call for change. When my PTSD transformed into social anxiety, it was easy to suppress at first with sex, drugs, and most often alcohol, which inevitably led to the occasional outburst, or the loss of a friend. Yet still I’d go out, even more anxious I’d run into newly formed enemies, so I’d drink more, at times pre-gaming by myself before pre-gaming with others before eventually stumbling into the bars. Naturally this facilitated more outbursts, cost me more relationships, and once landed me a night in jail. The further I unraveled, the more I numbed it with heavier drinking, darker sex, harder drugs, until finally — it pains me to write, but for the sake of honesty I must — I was contemplating, threatening, and attempting suicide. 

Sorry to get heavy, but it’s important to dissect why and how queers experience emotional hardship. We don’t struggle simply because we’re queer but rather due to the trauma thrust upon us by a world that still fears queers. As a result, normal events — such as a breakup or losing a job — can feel insurmountable, like proof that those who rejected us were right all along.  

Thankfully, queers can rely on each other for support, right? Sounds nice in theory, but in practice we D.C. gays are pretty fucking mean to each other. Sure, we find our friends, but often our community is itching to judge us at every corner. We throw insults, ostracize those deemed “crazy,” and constantly seek validation from people we (Instagram) deem perfect. And no, I am not above this. I’ve been a narcissist. I’ve burned bridges with glee. Looking back, it was my inner turmoil bursting at my seams.  

Marsel summarized our behavior well: “Everything is a trauma response. That mean gay you see at the bar – trauma response. That gym obsessed muscle queen – trauma response. That career-driven type-A Capitol Hill gay – trauma response. Most of the time I find when people are treating me a certain way, it has little to do with me and everything to do with their own trauma.” 

So, we find ourselves amid a queer trauma cycle in which hurt queer people hurt more queer people. Sounds bleak, but the good news is we also have the power to change that. And we must, for a recent survey by the Trevor Project found a staggering 41 percent of LGBTQ+ youth aged 13 to 24 considered suicide in the last year alone. Queer trauma isn’t going away, so it’s on us to avoid bestowing our trauma to younger queers and instead provide a safe community not only to thrive but to experience inevitable lows as well. That may seem like a tall order, but based on what I’ve learned from Marsel, two measures can move us closer.

First is simple self-reflection, for when trauma goes unnoticed it grows steadily like mold, potentially upending your behavior without you even noticing. “As I moved through different stages of my life,” Marsel explained, “I began to see how this unprocessed trauma and anger influenced so many aspects of who I had become. It colored my reactions to conflict, my relationships with others, and even my relationship with myself.” 

The only way to process trauma is to excavate your mind and dissect underlying memories and feelings, which can be accomplished in many ways including journaling, art, or my personal favorite: therapy. While I didn’t start therapy until my 30s, taking that leap became a life-changing, and potentially lifesaving, decision. “Through therapy,” added Marsel, “I was able to uncover the reasons why this trauma continued to follow me throughout my life and how it manifested.” 

It all sounds so simple: get therapy, and you’ll get better. However, therapy only goes as far as you let it. Progress is never linear and brutal honesty is a must; as a result, not everyone gets there (no judgment though, for I’m not all the way there myself). In fact, my hardest step was admitting I needed therapy at all, for seeing a therapist is often treated like spotting a UFO — no one wants to admit it out of fear of looking insane. However, often the fear of appearing crazy leads to the most toxic behavior, as I’ve witnessed in D.C. time and time again. 

To heal requires dissolving the ego. While tough, it’s truly the first and most important step. 

As for the second measure: we need to cut each other some slack. No, this doesn’t mean excusing terrible behavior, but it does mean holding the belief that others — including and especially your queer enemies — can grow. If not, then tell me: who’s supposed to believe in your growth if you don’t believe in the growth of others? And if your response is you don’t need to grow, you likely have the most growing to do. 

Writing off one of us is writing off all of us, and if we keep burning each other at the stake for every flaw, we’ll grow weaker as a community. Besides, the rest of the world already does that to us. Why do it to each other as well? 

My hope is for more queers to see each other the way Marsel and I do. Not because he and I are perfect — if anything, we’re far from it. Instead, in between inside jokes, we share our mistakes, our hardships, and the work we’re putting in toward self-love and improvement. That feels rare in a city obsessed with perfection, but that’s also why it feels genuine. 

And genuine feels worlds better than perfect ever could. 

Jake Stewart is a D.C.-based writer and barback.

I was 21 years old when I walked into the offices of Chicago’s GayLife newspaper in the spring of 1984. Fresh out of journalism school, I had just learned about gay media and was excited that there might be a career ahead for an aspiring lesbian journalist. I had been afraid that being out would limit my choices — and it did. Fortunately, the only choice was the right fit for me.

When I started 40 years ago, I had no idea that 60 years prior, a postal worker named Henry Gerber joined forces with a few brave men to launch the country’s first gay-rights group, the Society for Human Rights, and the nation’s first known gay newsletter, Friendship & Freedom. The men were soon arrested, and their organization shut down.

But we can trace the descendants of gay media to those roots 100 years ago. There were some short-lived and long-running “homosexual” publications — from Lisa Ben’s Vice Versa to the Mattachine Review, The Ladder, Gay Community News, BLK, Lesbian Connection and hundreds more. These media especially thrived after the 1969 Stonewall Rebellion in New York City, in part because of the growing movement, and in part because the tools to produce media became more affordable and accessible.

Now, as many community media outlets are looking at ways to counter the narrative of a collapsing ecosystem, News is Out, a collaboration of six LGBTQ+ media representing more than 250 collective years of experience covering the community, is launching the first Local LGBTQ+ Media Giving Day Tuesday, Oct. 8, 2024, during LGBTQ History Month. The timing for this first annual event is to celebrate the 100-year anniversary work of Henry Gerber and his peers. 

Tax-deductible donations are being accepted now at https://givebutter.com/LGBTQequityfund. With one click, you can support six of the top LGBTQ+ outlets: Bay Area Reporter, Dallas Voice, Philadelphia Gay News, Tagg Magazine, Washington Blade and Windy City Times. News Is Out plans to expand the campaign in year two. 

LGBTQ+ media has always had a vital and symbiotic relationship with the LGBTQ+ movement. Since most mainstream media either ignored or vilified our community for most of the past century, media by and for us helped document, amplify and change the trajectory of our movement. Whether it was covering the joy and celebrations or making sure we had ways to advocate for our rights and safety, or when we covered the start of HIV/AIDS in a way that was empathetic and educational, the LGBTQ+ press has been there, on the front lines, writing the first draft of our history.

Forty years later, I still feel so lucky to have found my niche in LGBTQ+ media. When I walked into GayLife, tucked between a men’s bathhouse and a men’s leather bar, I had no idea that my own life, and the whole movement, would have made it this far in a relatively short period of time.

But if the next 40 years are to continue to bend the arc of the moral universe forward, we need to make sure LGBTQ+ media are here to document and amplify the fight.

Donate here: https://givebutter.com/LGBTQequityfund.

Tracy Baim is co-founder and owner of Windy City Times.

GayVeterans.us was launched in February 2024 and has rapidly grown, providing expansive support for the LGBTQ+ veterans community. Established by three LGBTQ veterans and a Rabbi ally, who were frustrated with the bigotry and discrimination in their Beirut veterans organization, they created a non-profit, charitable organization. This new venture offers a welcoming online community safe zone for all LGBTQ veterans, free from the discrimination they faced for more than 35 years. 

Initially a community resource directory, it has now blossomed into a fully fledged online community. Aa powerful journey of empowerment and unity with GayVeteransUS-Inc. and our dedicated website, GayVeterans.us. We are a community-driven platform passionately supporting over 1 million LGBTQ veterans, active-duty military, and allies across the United States. An organization at the forefront of LGBTQ advocacy within the LGBTQ veteran community. Here’s why our partnership is a game-changer:

Our impact extends beyond our website, reaching a diverse audience through our strong presence on major social media platforms. Within our portal, as a publisher with a versatile audience, we cover various sectors such as retail, travel, books, clothing, electronics, health & beauty, and more. GayVeterans.us was established and is continually managed by Bill Kibler, a completely hearing-impaired and disabled Marine veteran, alongside his fellow Beirut veteran, John Kiknslow, a survivor of the Beirut bombing on Oct. 23, 1983. Dedicated to aiding LGBTQ veterans, Bill and John ensure that their voices are heard and their needs addressed. They are supported by Rabbi Arnold Resnicoff, also a Beirut veteran and the first responder at the explosion site. 

Throughout his Navy tenure, he advocated for LGBTQ rights, even delivering the prayer at the 2010 presidential ceremony repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” His younger brother Joel, a renowned artist, succumbed to AIDS in 1986. Another LGBTQ veteran, Bonnie Tierney, is globetrotting during her retirement and plans to return to the States this fall. She regularly checks in to monitor our progress. As a proud non-profit organization based in Tennessee, we are in the process of securing IRS §501(c)(3) status. With our low operational expenses and utmost transparency, your contributions will enable us to expand our services and support LGBTQ veterans in a meaningful way.

Our newly launched community portal offers a safe space for LGBTQ veterans to connect, share experiences, and access valuable resources. With 45+ groups and user-created groups, forums, chatroom, videos, and more, our members have a platform to support one another. A safe space for LGBTQ veterans to connect, share experiences, and access valuable resources.

We have partnered with Wreaths Across America’s 2024 Campaign and will be assisting the San Francisco National Cemetery at the Presidio of San Francisco in remembering and honoring our LGBTQ veterans by laying Remembrance wreaths on the graves of our nation’s fallen heroes. All LGBTQ organizations are welcome and encouraged to register under our LGBTQ Veterans sponsorship umbrella. Details can be found on our website, gayveterans.us.

Based on the responses so far, I know we’re making an impact on LGBTQ veterans’ lives, and that’s the rewarding aspect of our efforts. We have lots more on the horizon.

GayVeteransUS-Inc. is a non-profit, charitable organization in the State of Tennessee and has applied for IRS §501(c)(3) status, allowing you to deduct donations as charitable contributions on your tax filings. GayVeterans.us is run by veteran volunteers, so our expenses are extremely low – no rent, no payroll, nothing fancy. Each year GayVeterans.us will file a publicly available Form 1099 with the IRS allowing you to see how money is spent.

Bill Kibler, a Marine veteran, manages GayVeterans.us.