Arts & Entertainment
The pain of positive change
Trans author shares angst and triumph in new memoir
(Image courtesy University of Wisconsin Press)
Change — good or bad — is often tough. Trans author Joy Ladin knows that first hand.
Pain had accompanied her for most of her days, but in her new book “Through the Door of Life,” she explains a journey that was, for her, long overdue.
Joy Ladin “never much wanted to live.”
Born into relative privilege, Ladin, born male, had a good childhood, but death “seemed close.” Ladin remembers thinking that the idea of dying was exciting, while life was not because life, at the time, was spent in the wrong body.
“I spent my childhood trying to be what people wanted me to be,” she says, which worked, outwardly. Few noticed or knew that Ladin was struggling, so adept was she at tamping down feelings of sorrow.
At 17, while away at college, Ladin met her “life partner,” to whom she confessed her inner turmoil. The woman was undaunted; they married in 1982 — Ladin’s wife made it clear that she could accept Ladin’s transsexual feelings but not a transition — and they started a family within the decade. Ladin took pride in being a father.
But in 2005, everything began to fall apart.
Ladin started having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. No longer able to withstand the soul-crushing pain of living in a body that was all wrong, she shaved off the beard she’d had since puberty, began taking hormones and tried to maintain a dual life that would satisfy her wife, three children, her God, and her colleagues at Stern College for Women of Yeshiva University.
And slowly, Joy Ladin began to embrace the woman she knew herself to be.
“Through the Door of Life” is a bit of a conundrum. It soars with celebration, then drops like a stone into an abyss of angst. There are self-depreciating, bittersweetly humorous passages, followed by wailing rants that hurt to read. There’s love in here, and hate that’ll make you gasp. And, repeatedly, author Joy Ladin gives you all this in the space of a page or two.
Despite that repetition, what readers will appreciate most, I think, is that Ladin pulls no punches. We’re given a front-row seat at the difficulty — and shaky triumph — of being true to one’s self despite the costs. Yes, there are bumps in this story, but Ladin’s honesty is hard to beat.
“Through the Door of Life” is deep and thick with thought, emotion and pain, but its cover should clue you in on the kind of read you’ll end up with. That kind of Joy should make you want to change your schedule to read this book.
Theater
A hilarious ‘Twelfth Night’ at Folger full of ‘elegant kink’
Nonbinary actor Alyssa Keegan stars as Duke Orsino
‘Twelfth Night’
Through June 22
Folger Theatre
201 East Capitol St., S.E.
$20-$84
Folger.edu
Nonbinary actor Alyssa Keegan (they/them)loves tapping into the multitudes within.
Currently Keegan plays the melancholic Duke Orsino in Folger Theatre’s production of Shakespeare’s romantic comedy “Twelfth Night.” Director Mei Ann Teo describes the production as “sexy, hilarious, and devastating” and full of “elegant kink.”
Washington-based, Keegan enjoys a busy and celebrated career. Her vast biography includes Come From Away at Ford’s Theatre; Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (Helen Hayes Award, Best Actress) and Paula Vogel’s How I Learned to Drive, both at Round House Theatre; Diana Son’s Stop Kiss directedby Holly Twyford for No Rules Theatre Company; and Contractions at Studio Theatre, to name just a few.
In addition to acting, Keegan works as a polyamory and ethical non-monogamy life and relationship coach, an area of interest that grew out of personal exploration. For them, coaching seems to work hand in hand with acting.
WASHINGTON BLADE: You’re playing the lovesick Orsino in Twelfth Night. How did that come about?
ALYSSA KEEGAN: The director was looking to cast a group of actors with diverse identities; throughout auditions, there were no constraints regarding anyone’s assigned sex at birth. It was really a free for all.
BLADE: What’s your approach to the fetching, cod-piece clad nobleman?
KEEGAN: Offstage I identify as completely nonbinary; I love riding in this neutral middle space. But I also love cosplay. The ability to do that in the play gives me permission to dive completely into maleness.
So, when I made that decision to play Orsino as a bio male, suddenly the part really cracked open for me. I began looking for clues about his thoughts and opinions about things like his past relationships and his decision not to date older women.
Underneath his mask of bravura and sexuality, and his firmness of feelings, he’s quite lonely and has never really felt loved. It makes sense to me why his love for Olivia is so misguided and why he might fall in love with the Cesario/Viola character.
BLADE: As an actor, do you ever risk taking on the feelings of your characters?
KEEGAN: Prior to my mental health education, yes, and that could be toxic for me. I’ve since learned that the nervous system can’t tell the difference between real emotional distress and a that of a fully embodied character.
So, I created and share the Empowered Performer Project. [a holistic approach to performance that emphasizes the mental and emotional well-being of performing artists]. It utilizes somatic tools that help enormously when stepping into a character.
BLADE: Has changing the way you work affected your performances?
KEEGAN: I think I’m much better now. I used to have nearly debilitating stage fright. I’d spend all day dreading going onstage. I thought that was just part of the job. Now, I’ve learned to talk to my body. Prior to a performance, I can now spend my offstage time calmly gardening, working with my mental health clients, or playing with my kid. I’m just present in my life in a different way.
BLADE: Is Orsino your first time playing a male role?
KEEGAN: No. In fact, the very first time I played a male role was at the American Shakespeare Center in Staunton, Va. I played Hipolito in Thomas Middleton’s The Revenger’s Tragedy.
As Hipolito, I felt utterly male in the moment, so much so that I had audience members see me later after the show and they were surprised that I was female. They thought I was a young guy in the role. There’s something very powerful in that.
BLADE: Do you have a favorite part? Male or female?
KEEGAN: That’s tough but I think it’s Maggie the Cat. I played the hyper-female Maggie in Tennessee Williams’ Cat on a Hot Tin Roof at Round House. In the first act she didn’t stop talking for 51 minutes opposite Gregory Wooddell as Brick who barely had to speak. That lift was probably the heaviest I’ve ever been asked to do in acting.
BLADE: What about Folger’s Twelfth Night might be especially appealing to queer audiences?
KEEGAN: First and foremost is presentation. 99% of the cast identify as queer in some way.
The approach to Shakespeare’s text is one of the most bold and playful that I have ever seen. It’s unabashedly queer. The actors are here to celebrate and be loud and colorful and to advocate. It’s a powerful production, especially to do so close to the Capitol building, and that’s not lost on any of us.
The Washington Blade hosted the inaugural WorldPride Boat Parade at The Wharf DC on Friday, June 6. NBC4’s Tommy McFly served as the emcee.
(Washington Blade photos by Michael Key)
The 2025 Capital Pride Honors awards ceremony and gala reception was held at the National Building Museum on Thursday, June 5. Honorees included Cathy Renna, Jerry St. Louis, Ernest Hopkins, Lamar Braithwaite, Rev. Dr. Donna Claycomb Sokol, Kriston Pumphrey, Gia Martinez, Kraig Williams and SMYAL. Presenters and speakers included U.S. Rep. Mark Takano (D-Calif.), Amber Ruffin, Raven-Symoné and Paul Wharton.
(Washington Blade photos by Michael Key)
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