Health
No one would have expected me to attempt suicide
Successful career, busy social life hid reality of depression
Editor’s note: The Blade has covered several suicides in our community in recent months. Sadly, the holidays are a time of increased anxiety, isolation, and depression for many. The following is a first-person account of surviving suicide along with resources and information on where to get help if you are in crisis. There is an abundance of resources addressing the unique needs of the LGBTQ community. If you have a personal story you’d like to share with Blade readers about overcoming suicidal ideation, depression, addiction, or isolation, please email us at [email protected].
In late winter 2015 it would have seemed that I had everything going for me — a successful drag career (hosting at Town Friday and Saturday nights), and an extremely busy priesthood that consumed my time, especially with preparation for the upcoming holidays. My family life contained the usual stressors. I have plenty of friends, acquaintances, and a handful of very close friends, and dare I say a few fans.
Looking from the outside, my life seemed normal (normal for me). No one would have ever expected me to consider suicide. More and more, depression continually rolled over me like a tidal wave and I found myself with no purpose or defense. I had experienced depression before, but never to this magnitude. It became unbearable; a feeling of worthlessness and sheer sadness with anxiety that consumed me. My days were filled with pain and my nights with unrelenting insomnia, one right after the other.
Being a person of faith required that I make peace with my decision and my creator. I believed that a God who so loves me would not want me to suffer under such a crushing weight of depression. The Lord is a God of mercy, and how could a merciful God show anything but mercy? I realized that suicide was my best option, despite the many resources available to me, such as The National Suicide Prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255), the various suicide prevention organizations (The Trevor Project, A.F.S.P., Outreach by the DC Center), and now the newly established 988 number.
I availed myself of none. I reached out to no one. I believed no one would understand my situation. I was embarrassed that I could not handle my own life and therefore concluded that taking my own life would cause little fuss.
So, on Dec. 6, 2015, I Googled “What are the least painful ways to kill yourself?” No. 2 in the search was “shoot yourself in the heart.” The page promised it would be quick and painless. So, I devised a plan, the first thing I needed to do was pick a day. I picked Dec. 11, 2015. I made a list of all the other things I needed or wanted to get accomplished before the day. Chores as simple as getting my hair cut and setting out the clothes I wanted to be buried in. I decided on a last meal. A very simple shrimp salad from Cameron’s on 16th Street. The writing of 12 individual handwritten letters (which were to serve as my suicide notes). I wrote a special letter to the boys who were going to take care of my everything, my French Bulldog Christian, He would stay with me until the end, and then he would be someone else’s love.
If anything, during this period my depression and hopelessness had grown even deeper. It was a bitter cold day on the 11th of December. At 2:55 p.m., I took a 38-caliber revolver, placed it over my heart and pulled the trigger. The loud noise and smell are what I remember first. It was so loud my ears were ringing and the smell of gunpowder filled the area I was standing in (not a pleasant odor). It is nothing like we see in the movies or on television. First and foremost what I found shocking to me was that I did not fall down, but instead I was walking around for 8-10 minutes before the bullet had done enough damage causing me to lie down and eventually pass out.
I thought I must have done it wrong. After all, why was I still upright and moving around? Then the pain started to set in. Oh, the pain! The greatest pain I have ever felt in my life. I would later reflect that it was the pain that caused me to eventually pass out, that is how severe it was. I passed out before the ambulance arrived. I was lucky enough to have a friend call for emergency services. Once I arrived at MedStar I underwent a 21-hour surgery. The bullet missed my heart by three centimeters; further proof that Americans are awful at the metric system. I was put in a medically induced coma for 10 days. I would later have three additional surgeries to correct various issues. The bullet nicked a rib and traveled downward. I spent a month and three weeks in the hospital. The surgeons removed a portion of my liver, and completely removed my gallbladder, spleen, a portion of my lower intestine and appendix. Likewise, they repaired some major damage done to my stomach.
Waking up with my wrists bound and a breathing tube down my throat was horrific (I would rather have died). At first, I was angry that I had not succeeded. I could not believe where I found myself — it was not supposed to be like this! Once the breathing tube was removed my recovery began and, with it, a whole new story. During recovery I had to avail myself of counseling and was diagnosed with severe depression and acute anxiety. I was started on numerous medications and therapy.
Throughout all of this, I was fortunate enough to have many visitors from the community — friends, family, and some folks I had only known from interacting socially at the club. Perhaps one of the more profound lessons I learned through this process is that my death would have caused pain for so may people.
I keep up with my counseling and medications to minimize suicidal thoughts. To someone who is suicidal and it seems like it is the only option out, you are wrong. It requires courage to reach out. Depression is worn inwards and it can weigh a ton at times. But no one has to go through this alone. There are plenty of groups that specialize in helping those who are suicidal especially in OUR LGBT community.
CRISIS RESOURCES
988. The new 988 suicide and crisis lifeline is available 24 hours/day and offers telephone and online chat.
The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386. The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ young people ages 13-24.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (online chat available).The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential support to people in suicidal crisis 24/7.
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741, a free, 24/7 support for those in crisis.
The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: 888-843-4564. Provides telephone, online private one-to-one chat and email peer-support, as well as information and local resources across the United States.
Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860. Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources
The True Colors United, 212-461-4401. The True Colors Fund works to end homelessness among LGBTQ youth.
Self Abuse Finally Ends (S.A.F.E). Addresses individuals coping with non-suicidal self-injury, including locally based information, support and therapy referrals.
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233. Operating around the clock, seven days a week, confidential and free, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides lifesaving tools and immediate support to enable victims to find safety and live lives free of abuse.
Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN): 800-656-HOPE/800-810-7440 (TTY). The nation’s largest organization fighting sexual violence, RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
SMYAL, smyal.org. D.C.-based organization advocating for LGBTQ youth.
D.C. Department of Mental Health Access Helpline, 888-7WE-HELP.
Wanda Alston Foundation (202-733-3643) in D.C. provides transitional living and support services to homeless and at-risk LGBTQ youth ages 18-24.
(This list was compiled by PFLAG and Blade staff )
Cannabis Culture
LGBTQ people, weed, and mental health: what you need to know
Community uses marijuana at much higher rates than general population
Uncloseted Media published this story on May 7.
By SPENCER MACNAUGHTON | In 2025, the global cannabis market size was valued at nearly $103 billion. By 2034, that number is expected to explode by roughly 1,400 percent to more than $1.43 trillion.
In short, as an increasing number of countries legalize marijuana use, everyone is starting to consume a lot more weed. And LGBTQ people tend to use cannabis at much higher rates than the general population. One study found that 55 percent of lesbian and 45 percent of gay young adults use marijuana, compared to about 33 percent and 37 percent, respectively, of their straight counterparts.
As LGBTQ people face a mental health crisis, the mainstream stereotypes that depict weed as an antidote for anxiety, panic and depression aren’t painting the full picture. And that could be exacerbating the mental health struggles so many queer people, and especially youth, face.
Here’s what the research demonstrates about marijuana and its effects on mental health:
- Multiple studies suggest a link between marijuana use and an increased risk of mental health disorders, including schizophrenia, depression and anxiety in individuals who are genetically predisposed.
- One study found that daily marijuana use, especially among younger people, makes some individuals seven times more likely to develop psychosis.
The increase in higher-potency strains of marijuana could pose unknown risks. In 1995, the average content of Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) in confiscated marijuana was less than 4 percent. In 2022, it was more than 16 percent. Researchers don’t know the full extent of the impact that these higher concentrations can have on mental health and especially on younger people whose brains are still developing.
- A systematic review of studies published between 2013 and 2025 found damning results for the mental health of young cannabis users:
They were 51 percent more likely to experience depression, 58 percent more likely to experience anxiety, between 50 and 65 percent more likely to experience suicidal ideation and 80 to 87 percent more likely to have attempted suicide.
- While the above stats paint a grim picture, there is also some research that suggests benefits of cannabis use:
- A 2025 systematic review found that “medicinal” weed showed some efficacy in relieving withdrawal symptoms of opioid use disorder. THC use has been associated with improvement of post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, bipolar symptoms and sleep quality.
- Other studies found that THC administered in a controlled setting was associated with a decrease of symptoms and adverse effects for a range of mental health disorders, including schizophrenia, psychotic symptoms, and anorexia nervosa.
Beyond what we pulled from academia, there is an astounding lack of information about the interplay between weed and mental health. As we dive deeper into Mental Health Awareness Month, I hope advocacy organizations, influencers and news outlets ramp up their coverage of this important topic that affects the countless LGBTQ weed smokers, many of whom are already struggling.
Health
UPDATED: Trans-led HIV clinic in Portsmouth struggles amid funding cuts
As states across the U.S. cut funding for HIV care this small clinic in Va, is still fighting
Two years ago, Nyonna Byers, a transgender woman from Portsmouth, Va., founded Ending Transmission of Sexual Infections (ETSI) Health Clinic to support a community she saw struggling with rising HIV rates. Now, as costs continue to climb and funding for HIV healthcare initiatives is being cut across the United States, Byers says her transgender identity has made it harder to secure the financial support her clinic needs to survive.
Portsmouth, with just under 100,000 people, is right across the Elizabeth River from Norfolk.
“We’re an HIV-led organization here in Portsmouth, providing services throughout the Hampton Roads area,” Byers told the Blade. “As a trans-led organization—with me as the founder and executive director—I’ve received a lot of rejection when it comes to funding. That’s one of the main reasons why we’re struggling to keep the clinic open. Without funding, we can’t provide HIV treatment or care, and then we’re just a theoretical organization—we can’t be impactful in the community we serve.”
She said the data clearly shows a need for increased investment in HIV care in Portsmouth, but the response from leadership has not matched the urgency of the crisis.
“Portsmouth is one of the smallest cities with one of the highest HIV rates, and there are very few HIV-led organizations or clinics here. The need is urgent, but the response doesn’t match it. We’re doing the work on the ground, but we’re not getting the support to sustain it. That disconnect is what’s hurting people the most.”
That need, Byers explained, continues to grow as ETSI struggles to meet the financial demands of the life-saving work it provides.
Portsmouth has one of the highest HIV prevalence rates in Virginia, with roughly 736.9 cases per 100,000 people—a rate that exceeds both state and national averages.
“Leaders like the mayor and city council don’t focus on public health or social health. They focus more on development—building the city up physically—rather than investing in the health of the people. I’ve applied for funding multiple times and been denied. Every time I’ve asked for resources, I’ve been turned away.”
When asked why, Byers said the answer felt clear to her.
“I honestly believe I was denied funding because I’m trans. I told the mayor I was going to go public with it, because it’s not fair. We’re on the ground doing the work to end HIV, and we’re still not getting the support we need. That’s not just frustrating—it’s harmful.”
While she said local support has been lacking, Byers noted that the state has stepped in—though the funding still falls short of what is needed to sustain the clinic long term.
ETSI Health Clinic was included as a recipient of funding in the Virginia 2027–2028 Senate budget, receiving $50,000 per year from the Virginia General Fund. Byers specifically credited State Sen. Lillie Louise Lucas with helping secure that funding, which she said did not come from city leadership.
Byers shared that she has given up a lot to keep ETSI afloat, but the costs just keep coming.
“I’ve worked a lot of contracts—jobs paying $30 to $40 an hour—and poured that money into my clinic. But the downside is that I’m struggling personally. I’ve lost cars, I’ve lost a house—I’ve lost a lot to keep this clinic going. This work has cost me almost everything.”

She added that the impact of federal policy shifts is also being felt locally. As the Trump-Vance administration continues to roll back what it has described as unnecessary “DEI” spending, Byers said those decisions are affecting clinics like hers.
There was a time when the clinic was able to receive funding from Sentara Cares, the philanthropic program of Sentara Health, a not-for-profit healthcare system based in Virginia and North Carolina, but now they can’t.
“We had funding from Sentara Cares for three years, and it helped keep us going. Then when DEI initiatives started getting rolled back, that funding stopped. I was told directly that because of federal policy changes, they couldn’t fund the clinic. I broke down during that meeting, because it felt like they were really saying they couldn’t support us because of who we are.”
That lack of funding is compounded by broader gaps in healthcare access in the region. Portsmouth—the ninth most populous city in Virginia—does not have a hospital.
“There’s very limited access to care in Portsmouth. We don’t even have a hospital—people have to be transported to Norfolk. We’ve had high rates of syphilis, and the health department is only open a few days a week. A lot of people don’t trust it, and that leaves entire communities without care.”
Byers made it clear that this is more than a passion project for her—it is her life’s calling, and she would do nearly anything to keep it going.
“To be honest, I would go back to sex work before I let my clinic close. This is something I built from the ground up. I built this clinic with money I earned myself. I’m not going to let it disappear without a fight.”
She also pointed to gaps in education and outreach, which she says exacerbate HIV rates despite the availability of preventive measures.
“There’s almost no marketing or education about PrEP in the Hampton Roads area. If you go to places like D.C. or Atlanta, you see billboards and campaigns—but here, you don’t see anything. If people don’t see it, they don’t know about it. That lack of awareness is putting people at risk.”
It is also a deeply personal fight, she explained.
“I’ve lost friends to HIV. People say you can’t die from HIV anymore, but you can if you’re not in care. I’ve seen it firsthand, and that’s what motivates me to keep going. HIV doesn’t have to be a death sentence—but without support, it can become one.”
The Blade reached out to Portsmouth Mayor Shannon E. Glover for comment.
Glover disputed Byers’ claims that her clinic was treated unfairly, including her allegation that her transgender identity played a role in funding decisions.
“There’s no issue with Miss—with her and her organization. We have been in discussion, and quite frankly, the claims that she made as it relates to ‘we’re not treating her equitably and fairly because of her [being] transgender’ that is totally untrue,” Glover told the Blade via phone call. “I’ve talked to Miss Nyonna on a number of occasions, and that is categorically not true.”
Glover added that the city provides funding to various organizations and said he had directed Byers to seek support elsewhere.
“So I’m not understanding what her issues are,” he said. “But in any event, you know, we have funding that we provide to organizations. I’ve recommended other organizations to her. I’ve recommended that she go to the state where they have more flexibility with their budget and they could help her. So that’s what I’m prepared to tell you today. I’m not going to answer any questions. I just wanted to respond that her claim that we are mistreating her, not treating her fair, is totally untrue.”
To donate to ETSI, visit their donation page at ESTIhcvas.org/donate
Health
Housewives head to Capitol Hill to promote PrEP coverage
Bravo’s Real Housewives stars to lobby lawmakers for expanded PrEP access.
Stars from Bravo’s hit franchise “The Real Housewives” are heading to Capitol Hill next week to advocate for expanded access to HIV prevention and treatment.
On March 18, several well-known cast members — including NeNe Leakes, Phaedra Parks, Candiace Dillard Bassett, Erika Jayne, Luann de Lesseps, Melissa Gorga, and Marysol Patton — will travel to D.C. to participate in an advocacy event aimed at increasing awareness and coverage for pre-exposure prophylaxis, commonly known as PrEP.
The event, dubbed “Housewives on the Hill,” is being organized by MISTR, the nation’s largest telehealth platform focused on sexual health. The group’s founder and CEO, Tristan Schukraft, will join the reality television stars as they meet with lawmakers and legislative staff to discuss the importance of maintaining and expanding access to HIV prevention tools.
PrEP is a medication regimen that can, if taken properly, reduce the risk of contracting HIV through sex by up to 99 percent according to public health officials. Advocates say wider access to the medication — including through insurance coverage and telehealth services — is critical to reducing new HIV infections across the United States.
During their day on Capitol Hill, the Housewives are expected to meet with members of Congress and participate in conversations about federal policies affecting HIV prevention and treatment. Organizers say the reality stars will also share personal reflections about the continued impact of HIV on communities across the country and the importance of keeping prevention resources accessible.
The “Housewives on the Hill” event aims to use the cultural influence of the Bravo stars to spotlight HIV prevention efforts and encourage lawmakers to protect and expand access to lifesaving medication and treatment options. Organizers say the goal is simple: ensure that more Americans can access the tools they need to prevent HIV and maintain their sexual health.
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