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Queery: Shirley Hayden

20 questions for the lesbian author

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The coming out process took unexpected turns for lesbian author Shirley Hayden. The 50-year-old Lexington, Ky., native told her mother at age 9 she was gay, a proclamation that was met with near indifference. Hayden, who had little social context for being gay in the South, eventually married a man as a young woman and had twin sons. But she quickly realized the straight married life wasn’t for her.

“I just didn’t like it,” she says. “There was something inside of me that it just didn’t work. And it’s not that I hate men. I love men and have many wonderful men in my life. I just didn’t like being married to one.”

Eventually the same adage she brought to her writing career — “I don’t believe in fear,” she says — enabled her to roll with the punches in other areas. She’d never had a conversation with her young sons about being a lesbian but realized they knew what was going on by the time they were in kindergarten. Caught unexpected by show and tell one day because the teacher changed the day, they shared with the class that their mother was gay. She chuckles at the memory now but says it brought unsettling aspects with it. A cousin who was in their class used an anti-gay slur in reference to Hayden to her sons.

“It’s amazing,” she says. “This baby could barely spell his name and he knows words like that? What kind of hatred are we teaching?” Hayden, as always, found refuge in her writing. Inspired by two teachers when she was in seventh grade, she had a small poetry collection published at age 12. She’s since written 11 more books in various genres and is conducting a series of writer’s workshops for LGBT authors every Saturday through the end of the month at lesbian-owned Sisterspace and Books (3717 Georgia Ave., N.W.; www.sisterspacedc.com).

She discovered the shop during a visit to see author/teacher Nikki Giovanni here a few years ago and fell in love with the store because it gave shelf space to writers of color. Her current project is a screenplay called “The Women of Nelson,” which is set in a Civil War-era Army camp in Kentucky (www.shirleyhayden.us). Hayden works as a consultant and grant writer when she’s not doing her own writing. She enjoys spending time in libraries, volunteering, walking, running, Sudoku and sunbathing in her spare time. She also enjoys hearing her now-27-year-old sons’ perspectives on politics and the world. She’s single and lives in D.C.’s Ft. Lincoln neighborhood in Northeast.

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
I have never had a problem telling anyone that I am a lesbian. I have been out since age 9. Funny story; I would come home from spending the summers at my grandmother’s every year and tell mama that I was gay. She would respond, “That’s nice, go out and play with your brothers and sisters.” When I turned 18 I just stopped talking about it. At that point she asked if I was still gay. My response was that I was, but I felt she was just going to tell me to go outside and play anyway. And incidentally, I am one of 13 children, born to the same mother and father, and I have two gay brothers as well.

Who’s your gay hero?
Audre Lorde, Terri Jewell, May Sarton, Sapphire, and Alice Walker, Grace Paley, Adrienne Rich are my “sheroes.”

What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
My favorite D.C. hotspot is actually Sisterspace Books but we need to work on their Wi-fi connectivity. I love meeting writers in the D.C. public libraries to write as well. Libraries across the USA have always been my safe places to write. I have logged more hours in libraries across the country than most people have logged through volunteerism. Additionally, my favorite hotspot is my porch, nachos at LACE, and Busboys and Poets on 5th and K.

What’s your dream gay wedding?
I want to marry in the District. I so want to get married as soon as possible, but my challenge is I cannot marry by myself. My ideal dream wedding would be somewhere on water, but how many watersheds do we have in D.C.? I see myself married, happy, barefoot, but never pregnant. I want to wake up to her morning breath, share night sweats, wear her slippers when traveling, curl up and read together, pray together and do our own particular “nasty” together.

What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
I would respond racism, but it is certainly a gay issue as well. And so are sexism, volunteerism and mentoring. Well maybe the role of women in the church. Oh wait, I guess that intersection could be homophobia. OK, so my answer will be historical: “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

What historical outcome would you change?
Well Barrack Obama is in the White House, but I think I would continue to change the notion of being “the first anything based upon race, gender or creed or orientation, you know the infamous clause we still use.

What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
Most memorable would be the Jackson 5 and oddly, the death of Michael.

On what do you insist?
I insist on being un-bossed and un-bought. Shirley Chisholm, a woman who ran for president back in 1972 — she’s the one who coined that term. Always lived by that philosophy.

What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
My last Facebook post was in celebration of my newest book, “Coming Out Loud.”

If your life were a book, what would the title be?
“Adam Can’t Take This Rib Back”

If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
I would pray that I never encountered this science because I like being a lesbian woman; however I would like to tinker with the machinery long enough to eradicate racism, sexism and homophobia.

What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
I always say that, “when hell freezes over, I will skate.” I believe in a lot of things beyond this world but I believe heaven is right here on earth and I believe also in the continuance of it beyond this world.

What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
I have no issues with LGBTQ leaders, however my advice would be to follow. To get behind the movement and push/motivate/inspire/teach/train new leadership to be the forefront.

What would you walk across hot coals for?
I would not walk across hot coals for anything. But I might be encouraged to dance along the edges if I had the opportunity to meet my future mate and life partner.

What gay stereotype annoys you most?
My response will probably inspire debate, discussion, formalization of a nation think tank, new ad-hoc committees and I am sure a few pies thrown in my face, but the stereotype that most annoys me is the women, who bleed like all women, but who believe they are somehow “boys” like my brothers. They are not and I do not care what in the hell they wear in support of trying to be boys or men. Walking like a duck don’t make you a duck.

What’s your favorite gay movie?
People who know me know that one of the areas in which I need to improve is media, particularly movies and even watching TV. Up until about a year ago I did not own a TV and now I am sometimes viewed as the sistah from another planet because movies now in my purview are 10 to 20 years old now. But in answer to the question, I do not think I have a favorite gay movie. The jury is still out on that one.

What’s the most overrated social custom?
This is a hot button topic for me. I think the most overrated social custom is returning text messages every time one of my friends texts me to say they are going to the bathroom. I just do not care and do not want to know about it. I guess if they have fallen off the side of a mountain and they text for help then I may be able to make an exception. But I would expect for them to call 911 for assistance. I get text messages while I am in church. I guess it is telling on me that I allow them to indulge in this behavior with me. Perhaps after today, I will receive fewer messages. I should hope. Additionally, I just do not enjoy Facebook and Twitter for the same reasons. I guess we should hold an all-day summit to address that.

What trophy or prize do you most covet?
I long to win literary awards such as the Pulitzer, but I will settle for more honorable mentions in a new sub-culture where people do not appear to read as much anymore.

What do you wish you’d known at 18?
I wish I had known at 18 that the Internet was coming. I would not have saved so many paper files and newspapers.

Why Washington?
Because I grew up in a farming community and there was no bus and town was where you went on Sunday for church. I have lived in many places, but I live in D.C. because I love, love, love being surrounded by so many diverse people and cultural events. There is always something to do in the District.

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Real Estate

Don’t procrastinate buying your home

Some experts predict rates will fall in June

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Spring is in the air and it’s a great time to buy a new home.

As springtime fills the air, cherry blossoms are blooming, much of the year still lies ahead and many have started to think about how they are progressing with their 2024 goals. If the dream of buying a house was put on hold when the interest rates went from 3% to almost 8%, and life got in the way of an idea that had gotten onto your to-do list, maybe now is the time to dust it off. 

Mortgage lender Tina Del Casale from Sandy Spring Bank says, “There is still hope the Fed will be happy with inflation numbers by June to finally pull the trigger on lowering interest rates.”  

The rates might not be as low as they were in 2021, but historically, they are still not as high as they were 20 years ago. Some people’s parents remember getting interest rates that were 12%, 14% or even higher.   

One of the biggest questions I get at homebuyer seminars is about is the process. What is buying a house ACTUALLY like?  I usually tell them that it’s like anything else. One step at a time. One form at a time. One bank transfer at a time. One house showing at a time. One home inspection at a time. If you have the wherewithal to plan a vacation, you can buy a house. 

  • Finding a Realtor
  • Finding a lender to get pre-approved (how much is your budget and what is a comfortable monthly payment)
  • Are there any first-time buyer programs that could be used? Is there down payment assistance?
  • Looking at the houses.
  • Finding one you like, and putting an offer together:
    • An offer usually involves a sales contract, any special forms that the jurisdictions require (lead-based paint acknowledgements, what appliances and systems in the house are included/excluded, if the home is part of a homeowners association, or a condo association, etc.)
    • Any forms related to getting an inspection done.
    • Who is selling the house, who is buying the house, how much is it being sold for, where it is exactly, and who are the others involved in the transaction (title company, agents, etc.)?
  • Getting any inspections done.
  • Negotiating any changes in the sales price or terms, or credits for inspection items.
  • Getting the final approval for the loan and then going to settlement.

Many people get interested in buying a house, but the “unknown” of it all can be daunting. It could be that the best way to think about it, is that like most things in life, you can’t cross every bridge BEFORE you get there. You just take it one day at a time. Some things will be surprisingly easy. Some things will require the advice of experienced lenders, Realtors, home inspectors and title attorneys.  

But if the process doesn’t begin somewhere, somehow, the idea just stays in one’s head in the “to do list” file.  And then 3 years go by, 5 years go by, 7 years go by. And your friends that DID buy a house laugh themselves to the bank when they go to sell the house they bought 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or 7 years ago.

If you need any recommendations for a local lender or Realtor, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. Reach him at [email protected] or 703-587-0597.

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Advice

Giving up drinking is killing our relationship

What happens when one partner is sober and the other isn’t

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I’m a 38-year-old guy, was single for most of my 30s, which I didn’t like at all, and I finally met a great guy last Memorial Day Weekend. 

Until New Year’s I would have said that everything was going great. I was on Cloud Nine. Eric is kind, handsome, smart, and a great catch.

But in December he decided to do “Dry January.” It was kind of on a whim I think. We were out with some friends and one of them said he was not going to drink at all for the month of January. He thought alcohol was playing too big a role in his life so he wanted to see what life would be like without it. Another friend said he would do it too, and then Eric said he would.

I wish we hadn’t gone out that night and then this whole thing wouldn’t have happened.

So, as the month progressed, Eric started talking more and more about how much better he was feeling without alcohol in his body or his life.

I don’t think we drank that much pre-January. Yes, we’d have something to drink every time we went out, with friends or just together, but not to excess.

At some point, Eric started saying that he wasn’t really enjoying going out with our friends, as he wasn’t drinking and they were (except the two friends who were also doing the Dry January thing). This meant I’d either go out without him (which I didn’t like) or we’d stay home, or go out just the two of us. But then if I’m drinking and he’s not, it just feels awkward. He hasn’t said anything but I feel like he’s judging me whenever I have a drink.

I was hoping he’d relax about the whole thing at the end of the month but now he’s decided he doesn’t want to drink anymore at all.

To make matters worse, he says that the month made him think more about the big role alcohol plays in his life (his words) and he has started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

So where does this leave me? I do want to keep drinking. I’m just a social drinker and I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I think it adds a fair amount of fun to my life. Plus, all my friends drink (including the two who did Dry January) and it’s a big part of our socializing. If you don’t drink when everyone else is drinking, it’s really not fun and it feels weird.

At this point Eric doesn’t go out with the friend group we were going out with because he doesn’t have a good time as the only non-drinker. (I get it, that’s one of the reasons I drink when my friends are drinking.) So I go out sometimes without him, which as I mentioned doesn’t feel so good, and which I don’t think is great for our relationship; or I don’t go out with my friends, which I don’t like.

I love Eric and I could see us having a great life together but his not drinking has opened what feels like a chasm between us.

How do couples handle this situation, where one person wants to stop drinking and the other does not? The impact is seeming increasingly huge to me and I don’t see how to make it stop being a divisive problem.

Michael replies:

I don’t think that Eric’s sobriety needs to be a divisive problem, if you can tolerate that you don’t get to have your life with Eric be exactly as you would like. 

This is the same dilemma that everyone in a serious relationship must face. Our partners are always different from us in some important ways, even if it doesn’t seem that way at first. And we have to figure out how to live with these differences, contentedly for the most part.  Our partners face the same challenge. 

Of course, not every difference can be (or should be) resolvable. For example, if one person is determined to parent and the other person is determined to be child-free, it makes great sense to part ways — unless one person decides they’d rather stay with their partner than have it their way.  

You and Eric have to figure out if your differences around alcohol are a deal-breaker, or if you can find a way to build a solid relationship, even as you drink socially and he is sober.

Whether and how you do this are for the two of you to figure out.  That said, here are some ideas for your consideration: 

  • Can you accept Eric’s not joining you for some or even many of your social activities?
  • Can you and Eric talk about what might help him be more comfortable joining your friends now and then?
  • Can you ask Eric what it’s like for him when you are drinking, rather than assuming that he is judging you? (Important question for your consideration: What led you to make that assumption rather than asking him?)
  • If Eric is making friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, would you want to join him at times when he socializes with them? 

The main ingredients here are generosity, flexibility, collaboration, and curiosity.

Speaking of curiosity, rather than wishing that the two of you had missed that invitation to participate in Dry January, how about being curious about Eric’s decision to stop drinking? I suspect that your dismissiveness has a negative impact on his desire to be close to or confide in you. If you are curious about this important life change that Eric is undertaking, you will certainly learn a lot about your boyfriend, and likely deepen your connection.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Real Estate

Down payment strategies: Financing your home purchase 

Understanding the options key to unlocking the door to a dream home

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Looking for your dream home? First, you need to understand how to make the down payment.

Navigating the path to homeownership can be a complex journey, especially when it comes to accumulating the necessary down payment. For members of our LGBTQ community, understanding the available options for saving and financing this crucial aspect of home buying is key to unlocking the door to their dream home. Let’s explore effective methods and resources specifically designed to support LGBTQ individuals on their path to homeownership.

Traditional Savings Strategies

Saving for a down payment often begins with traditional methods such as setting aside a portion of your income into a dedicated savings account. High-yield savings accounts and automated savings plans, some offering up to 5% interest in today’s market, can expedite the process, providing a disciplined approach to accumulate funds over time. Additionally, exploring investment opportunities that match your risk tolerance can offer potential growth for your down payment savings.

Down Payment Assistance Programs

A variety of down payment assistance programs exist to help homebuyers with their initial costs. These programs often offer grants or low-interest loans to first-time homebuyers or those who haven’t owned a home in the past three years. 

It’s essential to speak with a GayRealEstate.com agent to determine what programs may be available, plus online research into local and state assistance programs, as many are designed to support individuals in specific communities, including the LGBTQ+ community.

For medical professionals, police, teachers, firefighters, and other community heroes, there are several special loan and assistance programs designed to help with home purchases, often offering benefits like down payment assistance, reduced closing costs, and more favorable loan terms.

The Hero Home Loan Program provides first responders, including police officers, firefighters, and paramedics, with benefits such as lower interest rates and reduced closing costs. This program aims to make homeownership more accessible by offering more flexible credit score requirements and down payment assistance .

For educators, firefighters, law enforcement officers, and medical professionals, the Everyday Hero Housing Assistance Fund (EHHAF) offers closing cost assistance through gift funds. This program is designed to support those who serve their communities by making homeownership more affordable, with no repayment required for the grant funds​​.

The HUD Good Neighbor Next Door Program offers up to 50% off the list price of homes for law enforcement officers, pre-Kindergarten through 12th-grade teachers, firefighters, and emergency medical technicians. This initiative aims to encourage community revitalization by assisting these professionals in homeownership within the communities they serve​​.

Homes for Heroes provides assistance specifically to first responders and offers significant savings through Hero Rewards when buying, selling, or refinancing a home. On average, participants save $3,000, with the program offering real estate and mortgage specialist connections tailored to the needs of first responders​​.

LGBTQ-Friendly Lending Options

Finding a lender that understands and supports the unique needs of our LGBTQ community can make a significant difference. Some lenders and organizations specialize in offering inclusive financial products and resources to assist LGBTQ+ homebuyers. These may include specialized mortgage products, financial planning services, and guidance through the home buying process.

The journey to homeownership is a milestone that requires careful planning and support. Remember, every step taken towards saving and financing your home purchase brings you closer to the dream of homeownership.

(GayRealEstate.com offers valuable resources and advice tailored to meet the unique needs of our LGBTQ+ community in their journey towards homeownership. For more comprehensive guidance and support in navigating the home buying process, visit GayRealEstate.com choose an agent and start a no-obligation conversation today.)

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at [email protected].

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