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A life in pictures

Rehoboth’s Tony Burns donates life’s work — 50,000 photos — to the community he loves

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Tony Burns with a few of the photo albums he donated to Camp Rehoboth's library. The collection spans 30 years in 70 albums and is comprised of more than 50,000 shots. (Photo by Murray Archibald; courtesy of Camp Rehoboth)

Tony Burns is a documenter and collector.

He has a mammoth music collection representing everything short of MP3s (he doesn’t do computers): 78s, 45s, CDs, 8 tracks and LPs. For 30 years he had two homes, one in Alexandria, Va., and another, where he now lives full-time, in Rehoboth Beach, Del. And there are two climate-controlled storage units.

But this isn’t a pack rat or hoarder-style compulsion — it’s all meticulously organized. It became a running joke with his friends when he downsized to one residence.

“People didn’t think I could do it,” Burns, who’s gay, says. “I took the furniture to a local auction. I mean if you can’t use it, you know. But there are 60 boxes of archives, all labeled, each with an index that went in the storage space, which is essentially the basement I don’t have for life. … And I’ve integrated some things here. I always like to think of myself as a historian and archivist but some might call me a pack rat. It just depends who’s doing the analyzing.”

Burns’ trademark, though, especially in Rehoboth, is his photography. He’s been shooting dinners and dances, protests and brunches — you name it — for 30 years. The Detroit native grew up with seven younger sisters and has spent decades taking shots of his siblings and 31 nieces and nephews. Though he spent his career working in Washington in the Department of Health and Human Services, photography was always his passion.

“All my life I’ve taken energy from interacting with people,” Burns says. “I guess it’s my love of history and archives and taking photographs really captures something that you can look back on and appreciate years later. And also I have found that people like to have remembrances of the different events that they participated in.”

Burns enjoys shocking people he bumps into at random and handing them photos out of a collection of about 600 shots he carts around with him. He always prints duplicates and tries to make sure everyone in his photos eventually gets a copy of his or her own.

“It’s fun surprising people. Almost like bird watching. You may not see somebody for several years and then all of a sudden you do. I don’t have a photographic memory, but I can remember the events people were at and even if I haven’t seen them for four or five years, I can pick out their photograph almost immediately.”

Steve Elkins, Camp Rehoboth’s executive director, says Burns’ memory is staggering.

“He always makes like six copies,” Elkins says. “One for his albums and one for everybody in the photo. And he just carries them around till he sees them. One of my first memories of him was in New York. I ran into him in Manhattan. He says, ‘Wait, I’ll be right back.’ He disappeared and came back with a photograph of me. He’s just got an encyclopedic memory for those things. He remembers everything. So and so lived in this house and he’s been with this person and his mother worked in the Clinton administration. It’s amazing.”

A reception in Burns’ honor will be held Saturday at Camp Rehoboth from 4 to 6 p.m. Burns has donated his vast photo collection — more than 50,000 photos in 70 leather albums — to the library at Camp Rehoboth. He donated money to have the library renovated and feels it’s an appropriate home for his shots, which have also run for years in Letters from Camp Rehoboth, the community center’s publication.

Each album is identified by month and the collection is arranged chronologically. Most of the events are from Washington or Rehoboth, but Burns has also shot in Baltimore, Philadelphia and New York over the years. They’re mostly gay events — Victory Fund brunches, Human Rights Campaign dinners, AIDS benefits and more — but Burns says the gay and straight communities are so merged in Rehoboth, he doesn’t make much of a distinction anymore.

Though he loves the D.C. area, he says Rehoboth is where he’s happiest. He says it’s become much more viable as a year-round community than when he first bought his beach house in 1977.

“It’s really the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,” he says. “I think it’s the gay destination in the whole country.”

Burns, who’s had boyfriends at various times but is single now, avoided going digital for years but is now glad he did. He still doesn’t have a computer and prints out his digital photos in kiosks. He calls himself a “background person” and says that’s just where he’s happiest. He shuns social networking and had to be cajoled into agreeing to the reception.

“I just like to be in the background,” he says. “During my years in the Department, and I held some rather responsible positions, it just made me feel good to know I was enabling the secretary to look good and it’s just something I’ve always felt strongly about in my life. If you can contribute to somebody who really has talents to communicate with others in a much stronger fashion than you could yourself, I get satisfaction from that. And it’s always fun for there to be perhaps a little mystery. Today with Facebook and Twitter, it’s almost like ‘1984.’ You lose your mystique when your laundry is all there hanging out to dry.”

Reception for Tony Burns
Saturday, 4-6 p.m.
Camp Rehoboth Community Center
37 Baltimore Ave.
Rehoboth Beach, DE
camprehoboth.com

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Advice

I make more money than my partner and getting resentful

She’s taking advantage of a joint credit card

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(Photo by Nik_Sorokin/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

I make a fair amount more money than my girlfriend does and I’m happy to contribute more to our life (we are both in our 20s and living together).

But Meg doesn’t seem to care how much money she spends and then asks me to front her when she’s running low. She seldom pays me back. 

Last week she had a big night on the town with her best friend (formerly her girlfriend) for the friend’s 30th birthday. She hired a limo and spent a lot on drinks and dinner. She put the entire night on our joint card which we are only supposed to use for shared household expenses, because she had maxed out her own card. Of course I will wind up paying for it. (And I am slightly jealous. Why am I paying for her evening out with her former GF?)

I pay for all sorts of stuff all the time because her credit card gets too big for her budget. 

And somehow I almost never end up getting her share of the rent, which is already prorated according to our incomes.

She always tells me she’ll pay me back but her tab pretty much just keeps getting bigger.

If I bring this up with her, she tells me I am cheap because I make a lot and we’re a couple; and if she made more, she’d have no problem sharing everything with me. 

Am I just being ungenerous? I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s an ingrate, but then I think if you’re in love, you shouldn’t be thinking of money, just taking care of the person you love.

Also, although I make more than she does, I’m by no means rich. I have my own student loans, and paying for the bulk of our lifestyle stretches me thin some months.

Michael replies:

For starters: Most couples must contend with some version of your struggle with Meg, because most couples have some income disparity.

Do you maintain a lifestyle that both of you can afford? That works for some relationships where the lower earner may not want to feel indebted to the partner who makes more. Other couples work out a system where they pay for expenses in proportion to their income. And in some instances, the higher earner may have a “what’s mine is yours” philosophy and the lower earner is OK with that.

What matters is that both partners come to a mutual agreement and are comfortable with the arrangement. In other words, they collaborate.

That’s not the case with you and Meg. You sound resentful, angry, and feeling like Meg is taking advantage of you.  

It’s great to be generous in your relationship, but it’s also important to have a boundary when you think it’s important to have a boundary. Yet you’re continuing to subsidize Meg even when you have trouble making your own ends meet. 

Important question: Have you told Meg that you’re stretched thin some months? If not, I’d be curious as to how you’ve made that decision. If so, I’d be curious as to Meg’s response.

If you don’t want to keep serving as Meg’s piggy bank, what is stopping you?  

There’s a great saying in psychotherapy: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Meaning, our “big” actions and reactions have their roots in our history.

Think about your life history: How does it make sense that you are acting like a powerless victim?  

Is not having a boundary an old and familiar dynamic for you? Were there important players in your life—for example, your parents—who insisted it was their way or the highway?  Or perhaps you learned as a kid that if you ever said “no” to your friends, there’d be negative consequences?

Now ask yourself what might be keeping you stuck in a relationship of resentment. Are you re-creating an old and familiar dynamic? Sometimes we keep putting ourselves in the same miserable situation, over and over again. What’s familiar can be comfortable, even if it’s miserable; and we may be trying to get some understanding of the dynamic and some power over it, to finally get it right.  

I’m just speculating here, to encourage you to think for yourself why you are staying in the dynamic you describe. You haven’t mentioned anything positive about your relationship, or about Meg.

Another possibility: I wonder if you might be so fearful of being alone that you’re willing to tolerate all sorts of treatment in order to stay in your relationship. Or perhaps you don’t think you deserve to be treated any better than this.

Again, if this is the case, where might this belief be coming from? Understanding why we are stuck in behaviors that keep us miserable can help us to get unstuck.

You have an opportunity to do something different here: Set a boundary and take power over your life. Perhaps if you did so, Meg would surprise you by shifting her stance, which would be good news if you have some good reasons to stay. Or perhaps she would not. Your challenge now is to get some sense of what’s holding you back, if you want something different for yourself. And unless you act on your own behalf, you will stay in this position. 

One more point to consider, regarding Meg’s dinner date with her ex: Whether or not anything is going on, I take your jealousy as a sign that you don’t trust Meg. And without trust, you can’t have a decent relationship.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Real Estate

April showers bring May flowers in life — and in real estate

Third time’s the charm for buyer plagued with problems

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As Dolly Parton says, ‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain’ (Photo by Rangizzz/Bigstock)

Working in the real estate sector in D.C. can be as uniquely “D.C.” as the residents feel about their own city. On any given day, someone could be selling a home that their grandmother bought, passed on to the relatives, and the transfer of generational wealth continues.  In that same transaction, the beginning steps of building of generational wealth could be taking place.

Across town, an international buyer could be looking for a condo with very specific characteristics that remind them of the way things are “back home.” Maybe they want to live in a building with a pool because they grew up by the sea. Maybe they want a large kitchen so they can cook grandma’s recipes. Maybe they will be on MSNBC once a month and need to have a home office fit for those Zoom sessions where they will be live on air, or recording their podcast.  Perhaps they play the saxophone and want a building with thick walls so they can make a joyful noise without causing their neighbors to file a cease-and-desist order.  

What I found fascinating was getting to know my buyers. Why were they purchasing their property? What did they want to do with it? Was this their grandmother’s dream that they would have a place of their own someday? Did they finally think they would write that award-winning play in the home office?  What dreams were going to be fulfilled while taking part in this transaction?  

Somedays, the muck and paperwork slog of navigating home inspection items and financing checklists could get to be distracting at best, and almost downright disheartening at worst.  

One of my clients was under contract on THREE places before we finally closed on a home. One building was discovered to have financing issues, and the residents were not keeping up with their condo fees. Another building had an issue with the title to the unit, which meant the seller could not sell the home for at least another year until that legal snag was resolved. As the months rolled by, she was losing heart and feeling defeated. When we finally found the third home, everything seemed great – and then about two weeks before the settlement, the rains came down and the windows leaked into the bedrooms.  

Another delay. (Our THIRD). This time, for several more weeks.

I think she wanted to pack a suitcase, go to the airport, get on a plane somewhere and never come back. What ultimately happened? The building repaired the windows, the seller’s insurance replaced the hardwood floors, and she bought her first condo, which she still enjoys to this day.  

As Dolly Parton says, “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain.”  And finally, after months of looking, waiting, and overcoming obstacles, the rainbow peeked out from behind the clouds.  


Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals.  He can be reached at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].

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Autos

Sporty sedans: BMW 530i xDrive, Mercedes AMG CLA 3

Tariffs are here and the result is financial chaos

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BMW 530i xDRIVE

It’s official: Tariffs are here, and the result is financial chaos. 

So, what to do when purchasing a new vehicle? If you need one in the not-so-distant future, buy sooner (like yesterday) rather than later. Expect prices to rise quickly, as inventory dwindles, demand soars, and automaker incentives evaporate. Of course, if a new ride isn’t a priority for at least a year or three, then hold off until the dust settles. 

But for those of you looking for new wheels now, I recently drove two sport sedans that were a pleasant reprieve from the usual plethora of pickups, minivans, and SUVs. 

BMW 530i xDRIVE

$63,000

MPG: 28 city/35 highway

0 to 60 mph: 5.5 seconds

Cargo space: 18.4 cu. ft. 

PROS: Rakish looks. Race-car vibe. Rock-star amenities. 

CONS: Rad-but-quirky infotainment system. Rich price.

IN A NUTSHELL: Classic good looks, from the iconic grille and swept-back headlights to chiseled side panels and a tasteful tush. For a gearhead like me, the BMW 530i xDrive — completely redesigned last year — is as rapturous as Michelangelo’s David. Everything here is in proportion, from the design to the drivetrain, which — along with a gutsy 255-hp turbo and all-wheel drive — helps deliver a divine experience behind the wheel. Even better, my test car came equipped with the heavenly M-Sport Package: 21-inch wheels, athletic suspension, and assorted styling upgrades. 

A tech-laden cabin is outfitted with a sparkly 12.3-inch digital instrument cluster and 14.9-inch touchscreen infotainment system. With the windshield head-up display and a slew of knobs and toggle switches in the center console and on the steering wheel, I wondered if this is how it feels to pilot the Space Shuttle. There is even a back-lit interaction bar with touch-sensitive controls to adjust vent direction and other climate control settings. 

All this gadgetry takes some getting used to, but the overall effect is dazzling. While a 12-speaker Harman Kardon stereo comes standard, I was jammin’ to the 16-speaker Bowers & Wilkins premium audio. Of course, such options add up quickly (on my test car, the extras totaled $13,000). 

Just how fun is this car? In my favorite episode of “Hacks,” sassy Jean Smart drives a rockin’ Rolls Royce Wraith. Trust me, this four-door BMW is every bit the badass as that $300,000 super coupe. 

MERCEDES AMG CLA 35

$58,000

MPG: 22 city/29 highway

0 to 60 mph: 4.8 seconds

Cargo space: 11.6 cu. ft. 

PROS: Slick styling. Spiffy cabin. Sublime seats.

CONS: Smallish trunk. So-so rear headroom and legroom.

IN A NUTSHELL: Need a smaller sedan that’s just as marvy as the midsize BMW i530? Look no further than the compact Mercedes CLA-Class, which is 14 inches shorter. That’s a benefit when jockeying for parking or navigating rush hour.

Another plus: This is Mercedes’s least expensive sedan, available in three trim levels. All come with the same potent turbo but in varying power levels. The base model starts at $46,000, but I tested the first of two high-performance versions: the AMG CLA 35, which costs $12,000 more. You can open your wallet even further to snag the $67,000 AMG CLA 45. 

But why bother? The AMG CLA 35 is plenty quick — faster than the BMW i530 — and boasts sport-tuned brakes, deft handling and a gritty-sounding exhaust system. The laundry list of standard features includes all-wheel drive, automated parking, gobs of the latest safety gizmos and even something called “safe-exit assist,” which prevents passengers from opening a door into traffic or speeding cyclists. 

The interior is pure Mercedes, with top-notch materials, customizable ambient lighting and Burmester surround-sound audio. The overall layout—sleek and modern, but with elegant stitching in the seats and on the door panels and dashboard—is comfortable and user-friendly. Digital displays and touchscreens are similar to what’s in the BMW i530, just smaller. 

Size matters, of course, which is why this vehicle’s shorter length can be a blessing but also a curse, especially when trying to squeeze passengers with longer legs into the backseats. And the dramatically sloped roofline, attractive from the outside, limits the amount of rear headroom and cargo space. Thank the automotive gods for panoramic sunroofs, which—at least for anyone in the front seats—makes this cabin feel surprisingly spacious.  

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