Opinions
The tumultuous relationship between queers and religion
One lesbian’s story offers a glimmer of hope
It was a hot, humid Sunday in the middle of July when my ex suddenly crossed my mind. Of course, it didn’t help that it was his birthday, just like it didn’t help that I was sitting idly outside the bar since our bouncer was running late. It all made the perfect storm for some tortured self-reflection.
Thank God (pun intended) Alexa walked outside in that moment. Alexa was a bartender, and I’m certain all our staff would agree her mere presence brightened the business. Years of bartending rendered her with a keen sense of reading people, so it didn’t take long for her to inquire what was on my mind.
So, I let it all spill out. I explained he was no ordinary ex, for he was the first person I truly fell in love with. I recounted our days on end enjoying each other’s company, and how it always felt so easy, and never like a performance. There was, however, a teeny, tiny problem that later turned into a big problem: He was closeted.
It’s a tale as old as time, I suppose — queer self-rejection in the name of religion. In this case, my ex grew up Evangelical, resulting in an existential crisis that broke both of our hearts. Perhaps the right question, though, is why was I surprised? After all, the queer relationship with God has always been tense for reasons so obvious I don’t need to spell them out here.
Despite being obvious, it seems backwards, doesn’t it? Weren’t anti-gay religious biases so last millennium? Yet if the 2024 election was any indication, the unfortunate answer is no. Today religion still serves as the backdrop for anti-LGTBQ legislation, policy, and rhetoric. In fact, I often see fellow millennials, some of whom I grew up with, profess religious beliefs on social media. Many are parents who fear LGBTQ inclusion being taught in schools so much that they now home school their children to shield them from it.
Because of all this damn religion, I sat there brokenhearted, reminiscing on the love I lost. Alexa, meanwhile, listened intently throughout, and once I finished she told me she could relate. When I asked how, she replied, “I used to be a worship leader.”
To say you could have knocked me over with a feather would be an understatement. How someone goes from that to a proudly out bartender at a gay bar was a story I had to hear.
“I was going through a really low point in life,” she started, “and I turned to God and to Christianity to help me out of it. I had a sense that I needed to give up my lifestyle and ways to follow what I believed at the time that God had for me. This included turning away from my identity as a lesbian.
“I played into a lot of rhetoric that I thought was good and pure at the time but was slowly killing me on the inside. This mostly had to do with my sexuality. I believed for so long that being a lesbian was a sin and I couldn’t be in a loving relationship with a woman and God at the same time. However, as I became more depressed and in turmoil over this, I prayed and fasted for the desire to be lifted, so I began to dig deeper.”
Already I could spot similarities with my ex. While I didn’t grow up religious, coming out was still hard. I couldn’t imagine the thought of mortal sin hanging over me as I tried.
“I was involved in a high control group that made me mistrust myself,” Alexa continued. “They were controlling in a subtle way that ultimately led me to fear. I think that queers learn not to trust their instincts when it comes to how they naturally feel. Specifically, certain groups of Christianity teach that being queer is unnatural and an abomination to God. Though the term abomination is also highly misused, we understand it to mean the worst thing you could do against God, so we learn to go against our nature and to repress our feelings and to fight them as an attack of the enemy (the devil).
“This causes you to lose a sense of autonomy and a sense of self. You no longer can trust yourself to decide what is good, or natural, or right. That mistrust can easily lead you down a road where others take advantage and take that authority over you. This is how we see religious leaders get away with abuse. Though this doesn’t just apply to queer people. This can happen to anyone.”
I had been so angry with my ex when he chose scripture over us. Alexa’s perspective made me realize how unnecessary that was, since he was already angry at himself. My thoughts also swirled to friends who grew up in strict religious households. Amid all the types of queer trauma, religious trauma is a different beast. The tactics used to manipulate young minds are harsh, and even dangerous.
We ought to wonder how far any religion is willing to go to fight homosexuality from within. If sexual abuse was uncovered in one popular sect of Christianity, it’s probably further than we think. These queers are often trapped by an institution so set on keeping them straight, it costs them their truest self. This, in turn, catapults them into a crisis so deep, not all escape.
But Alexa did, so I had to ask how.
“I studied more,” she replied. “I looked at the scriptures dealing with this and discovered that they’d been translated within an agenda and cultural context that didn’t match what I was dealing with. The story of Soddom and Gomorrah, the mistranslation of homosexuality in the New Testament, etc. I began looking at the Bible differently — as less of the exact words that God spoke and as more of man’s interpretation of the world and God. I don’t claim to be a biblical scholar but the more I studied the more I saw that I was placing unnecessary restrictions on myself for the sake of man and not for the sake of my relationship with God.”
This I found most fascinating — that Alexa found her freedom not by hiding her orientation nor by suppressing her spirituality but rather by leaning into both.
It’s easy to presume God and homosexuality are diametrically opposed, but that would be an oversimplification. I mean, look around: there are churches throughout D.C. embracing pro-LGBTQ messages. Instead of scaring queers toward or away from religion, perhaps we ought to give them space to embrace both.
Alexa explained it well: “I wonder sometimes if I like the God of the Bible. There are so many things He proclaims, requires, and stands for that I don’t morally agree with. Though there are many things I have learned from Jesus that I would say kind of correct some of that. The Jesus that fought for the outcasts and helped them. Who advocated for the poor. Who recognized that piety and character are not always synonymous.”
I now see queers closeted by religion differently. No longer can I consider them cowardly, for they experience the worst torture of us all: sinister manipulation breeding deep inner conflict. Not only does my ex not deserve my anger, but he also deserves my empathy.
I asked Alexa’s advice to queers experiencing what she went through.
“Let the pressure go,” she replied. “That’s easier said than done. Especially if your whole existence is tied up in it. However, you really have to ask yourself who you are, what you believe, and what you’re willing to live and die for. In my experience being closeted especially due to religious pressure is a silent killer. The stress your body goes through kills you from the inside and may ultimately lead to risky and deadly decisions. It can not only hurt you but those around you.”
She didn’t need to share details, since when I last checked on my ex, I learned he fell into hard times. As painful as that is, at least I know a happy ending is still possible for him.
A few months after our conversation, Alexa married the love of her life. In fact, she and her wife had their reception in the bar, so I had the privilege of seeing how happy she is. Knowing her journey made it that much sweeter.
And just last week, Alexa gave birth to their son. He’s a lucky kid, for he has two wonderful parents who love him very much.
Alexa’s story is an important one. It details the lengths religious institutions are willing to go to suppress homosexuality. It reveals the internal strife religious queers still experience. Most importantly, though, it’s the story of a young, queer woman who found strength in her queer self through her personal relationship with God. It’s a story I’ll keep close to my heart, especially at this time of year — one that provides that glimmer of hope I need now more than ever.
In other words, her story gives me faith.
Jake Stewart is a D.C.-based writer and barback.
Opinions
Howard County exec: Inclusive communities are thriving communities
In Maryland, it’s more than a talking point – it’s a way of life
Every person, organization, and business has the opportunity to make inclusion a core mission. Yet, true inclusion requires more than intention. It demands action to ensure every person in our community can live authentically, embrace their potential, and thrive without fear of hate or harm. In Howard County, Md., we are doing our part to make inclusivity more than a talking point – it’s a way of life.
The Human Rights Campaign’s 2024 Municipal Equality Index (MEI) awarded Howard County a perfect score of 100 for the third year in a row. At a time when LGBTQIA+ rights are at stake, the MEI and the rubric it provides for cities and towns across our country has never been more important.
The MEI examines how inclusive municipal laws, policies, and services are in cities and towns across the country. The report scores cities across five domains: non-discrimination laws, municipality as an employer, municipal services, law enforcement and leadership on LGBTQ+ equality. We proudly achieved the highest marks in all five domains, which comes as no surprise. It’s important to me that Howard County is a national model for implementing inclusive policies for our 17 protected classes in Howard County.
When I first took office as Howard County Executive in December of 2018, one of my first initiatives was hosting our very first Pride festival. It was the perfect time to celebrate and reflect upon the progress we made to advance civil rights and protections for our LGBTQIA+ neighbors. In June of 2019, Howard County proudly hosted its first Pride festival, with thousands of attendees, solidifying our commitment to our residents and neighbors.
It was also ever important that our LGBTQIA+ residents had a seat in government operations. In 2022, I established Howard County’s inaugural LGBTIA+ Commission, which partners with county agencies, nonprofit organizations and other community groups to facilitate an environment of inclusion, communication, understanding and respect throughout the county. This Commission continues to advance policy and systemic changes for those with different gender and sexual identities.
To further uplift our neighbors, for the first time in county history, in June of 2022 we proudly raised the Pride flag at the seat of Howard County government, symbolizing unity and inclusiveness. This meaningful action reflects our commitment to supporting, celebrating, and standing with all LGBTQIA+ individuals in Howard County, affirming that they are a vital, welcomed, and celebrated part of our community.
In 2024, our Office of Human Rights and Equity (OHRE) hosted various community events, workshops, listening and training sessions that attracted 4,000 attendees. Creating community spaces where people can freely share their thoughts fosters a collective sense of belonging. We want everyone to know that their voice matters.
Additionally, more than 160 Howard County government employees received training from our Equity and Restorative Practices Unit last year. This pioneering initiative delves into the ways current leadership paradigms might perpetuate racialized dynamics. It is imperative we continuously examine our current practices to see where we might be lacking and devise ways to remedy our weaknesses.
Across our country of thousands of cities and counties, we are proud to be counted among 130 MEI-rated cities that have earned the highest score of 100. This shows the immense progress local government is making to enact policies and legislation that protect the classes of sexual orientation and gender identity. By focusing on making a difference where people live, learn, and grow, we can make a bigger impact nationally combating hate and discrimination based on sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Because we know – when we foster inclusive communities we foster thriving communities.
Calvin Ball is the executive of Howard County, Md.
This week marks the end of President Joe Biden’s administration, the most pro-LGBTQ leader our country has ever known. With his departure, our community enters a period of uncertainty and alarm over how trans Americans will be treated under Trump’s tenure.
Before we begin coping with that unfortunate reality, let’s take a moment to celebrate Biden. His legacy includes many landmark achievements, from ending the COVID pandemic and implementing the infrastructure bill to restoring America’s reputation around the world, supporting Ukraine, and standing up to Vladimir Putin’s aggressions.
Biden’s advocacy on behalf of LGBTQ Americans will be a key part of his overall legacy. Never have we had a president so committed to our equality and inclusion.
One of the most memorable moments in Biden’s long record of LGBTQ support came in 2012 when he famously endorsed marriage equality in a live TV interview days before President Obama did the same. It marked the first time a sitting vice president publicly supported marriage equality and Biden did it just six months before the election, something that even LGBTQ activists had advised against.
As president, Biden fought successfully to preserve marriage equality in the increasingly likely event that the Obergefell ruling is overturned by the Supreme Court. The Respect for Marriage Act ensures that the federal government and all U.S. states and territories must recognize same-sex and interracial marriages. Biden signed it in 2022 and held a massive event on the White House lawn bringing together hundreds of LGBTQ advocates from around the country to celebrate.
“Today’s a good day,” he said during the signing ceremony. “Today America takes a big step towards equality.”
Biden began his term on Jan. 20, 2021, and on that same day, issued an executive order establishing workplace protections for LGBTQ Americans and prohibiting discrimination in education, credit, health care, and housing.
Biden ensured that his administration and the federal government looked like America, naming record numbers of out LGBTQ judicial appointees and senior staff. He gave us the nation’s first Senate-confirmed gay Cabinet member in Pete Buttigieg, thus opening the door for future LGBTQ top staff like Scott Bessent, Trump’s pick for Treasury Secretary, who’s gay.
“LGBTQ+ people have received a record number of federal appointments, including Cabinet members, judges, and around 14% of the administration,” according to the Victory Fund. In addition to Buttigieg, he appointed Dr. Rachel Levine as the first out transgender person to hold an office that requires Senate confirmation. And he named Karine Jean-Pierre, a Black lesbian, as his press secretary.
His advocacy wasn’t merely symbolic. President Biden in June issued historic pardons for military service members who were discharged over their sexual orientation or gender identity under discriminatory policies of the past, like “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
“This is about dignity, decency, and ensuring the culture of our Armed Forces reflect the values that make us an exceptional nation,” Biden said at the time. “We have a sacred obligation to all of our service members — including our brave LGBTQI+ service members: To properly prepare and equip them when they are sent into harm’s way, and to care for them and their families when they return home.”
Veterans who were discharged for their sexual orientation or gender identity were barred from accessing benefits through the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs but veterans who obtain certificates of pardon can now petition for a change in their discharge status, which can facilitate their access to benefits.
On a personal note, I am grateful to President Biden and his talented and thoughtful communications team for granting the Blade the first-ever presidential sit-down interview with an LGBTQ newspaper. It was a moment I’ve worked toward for more than 20 years, holding endless calls and meetings with President Obama’s team trying to land that interview; and even working with Trump’s team early on in the hopes he might talk to the queer media. But it took Biden to again make history for our community. The Blade’s Sept. 20, 2024 cover photo of our White House reporter Chris Kane sitting across the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office from President Biden — an image snapped by longtime Blade Photo Editor Michael Key — fills me with immense pride. It was a moment that took decades of hard work and perseverance by pioneering queer journalists to realize.
Thank you, Mr. President, for having our backs, not just for these past four years but throughout a long and impactful career in public service.
Kevin Naff is editor of the Washington Blade. Reach him at [email protected].
Opinions
Trump’s aggressiveness will cause havoc in the world
Incoming president admires Putin and Hitler
Some are asking if the majority of Americans really care, or even understand, what it means if Trump brings a wrecking ball to the rule of law, both here at home, and around the world.
Our first indication will be how the public reacts, especially Trump voters, to what he does based on his promises to grant clemency to those sentenced for their actions during the Jan. 6, 2021 riot at the United States Capitol. Trump has called it a day of love; others have referred to it as his failed effort to stage a coup. There can be no debate about the actions of many in the crowd who stormed the Capitol that day, as they are on film. The question for many will be whether Trump grants clemency to any who were sentenced for just being there, or will he grant broad clemency to everyone, including those who were seen breaking windows, destroying property, and injuring police. Let us never forget 140 officers were injured protecting the building, and members of Congress we elected.
Then there is the issue of the boundaries Trump crossed by calling Supreme Court Justice Alito before his case on the hush money sentencing was decided. Will Trump have these kinds of conversations with other justices when his administration, and even he personally, will have future cases pending before them? Will his administration potentially disregard a court ruling?
Then we move on to the world stage. Trump has made statements to the effect that he would consider using military force to take Greenland and the Panama Canal. Would he actually consider invading another country without any provocation? Those words, even before any action is taken, make me think of Vladimir Putin and Adolf Hitler. Both men, Trump at one time or another, has said he admires. He has nominated as Director of National Intelligence a person who supported deposed Syrian dictator Assad and Putin. Then he said he would consider economic coercion to get Canada to become part of the United States. Remember, these are all sovereign nations.
Just knowing that Trump, and many he has chosen to surround himself with, think like this, should frighten all decent Americans, as well as the rest of the world. Trump often says outrageous things like this without any real thought, or knowledge, as to what they entail, and what the repercussions would be. Remember his suggestion about swallowing bleach to battle COVID? Clearly, he often doesn’t know what he is talking about. Some think these statements are just meant as diversions, to take our attention from the outrageous things he is actually doing. Too often the news media takes the bait, and they along with the American people, end up losing track of the real and immediate damage he is doing to the nation.
It is clear many of these outrageous thoughts seem to come from the last person who whispered in his ear. Today that is often Elon Musk, who has been getting involved in the politics of the United Kingdom, Germany, and other nations. Musk’s closeness to Trump seems based mostly on how much money he has given to Trump and his causes. Some think he may have even promised Trump a few billion dollars after his presidency is over. Other social media moguls, and billionaires, are now clearly trying to kiss Trump’s ass. One who has clearly sealed his lips to Trump’s rear end is Mark Zuckerberg of Meta. His announcement that Facebook will no longer fact check posts because he claims he believes in ‘free speech,’ led to a wonderful meme I recently saw. It said, “Mark Zuckerberg, who passed away recently at the age of 36, a convicted pedophile…” It seems Musk, Zuckerberg, and others have now joined Trump in accepting lying on social media is fine in the name of free speech. Hey, it worked to get Trump elected, and a whole cable network, Fox News, has found how effective lying can be in generating viewers and poisoning the minds of the uneducated, and those who want to believe the bullshit they spout for their own benefit.
We live in an uncharted time. I think it’s hard to predict what will happen in the next four years. Will people tire of this dangerous, liar, racist, homophobe, misogynist, felon, found liable for sexual assault? Or will they accept all that he does and speaks? I pray they tire of him, and rebel, before he destroys our country.
Peter Rosenstein is a longtime LGBTQ rights and Democratic Party activist.
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