My husband, whom I have been with for 16 years, has been cheating on me. I found out accidentally through a mis-sent text. This has been going on for at least several months. I am heartbroken, angry and feel totally betrayed.
Dan says that his relationship with Bill meant nothing except fun sex. He swears it’s over and that he really wants to stay with me. But he also says that he sometimes just wants to have sex with someone else and that he thinks monogamy is unrealistic. That said, he says he will try to be monogamous if I insist on it as a prerequisite to staying in the relationship.
Well, I know that I do not want to have an open relationship. But I wonder if I am being realistic to expect that two men can really have a monogamous relationship. I also have no idea how to trust Dan if we stay together.
Any pointers would be greatly appreciated.
Two men can have a monogamous relationship if they want to. The question is, does Dan really want to?
Relationships push people to figure out what’s most important to them. Dan has an opportunity to decide if he would rather be with you and be monogamous or end the marriage and enjoy playing the field. Just as you face the decision of leaving Dan or tolerating his hooking up from time to time.
These decisions may be excruciatingly hard for each of you to make. No one else can tell either of you what to do. Before deciding, talk together about why monogamy is important for you and about what Dan feels he would be giving up and why he might not want to commit to monogamy. The more you understand each other’s position, the more thoughtful a decision you can come to.
If you’re hoping to trust that Dan won’t hurt you again, know that it’s inevitable that people hurt each other from time to time in relationships. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
If you’re hoping to trust that Dan will never lie to you again, understand that you can’t know for sure. Has he explained to you why he didn’t tell you about his affair? Did he think it would hurt you or did he want to avoid your asking him to choose between outside sex and marriage? Knowing his reasoning might help the two of you figure out what it would take to have an honest relationship in the future, if you both want this.
Some questions for you: Can you count on yourself to start paying closer attention going forward to what you are seeing, hearing and sensing, so that you are more likely to know if Dan steps out again? As a matter of self-protection, that would be a very good skill to have. If you’re not good at picking up on what’s really happening, how could you get better at this?
While being a great husband is no guarantee that your partner won’t cheat on you, can you identify any part you might have played in Dan’s decision to step out? Is there anything you might do to make it less likely that he’ll hook up with someone else if you stay married? Were you doing your best to keep your relationship and your sex life vibrant? Any big or bitter conflicts that you’ve been sweeping under the rug?
Because you’ve had a bad shock, give yourself some time before making any big decisions. While your anger and heartbreak are unlikely to disappear, you’re more likely to think clearly about your future when everything is less raw. If you decide to find a therapist to help you decide how to move forward, seek out someone who will not demonize Dan. That would not be helpful to your healing or to the possibility of your staying in your marriage.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.