Hi Michael,

I’ve been best friends with Chris since we were kids. We’re both gay and both wound up in D.C. after college. And we’re roommates. 

The trouble started about a year and a half ago. Chris, who has always liked working out, started getting absorbed in bodybuilding.

He started spending hours a day working out and all these weird powders and supplements started piling up in the kitchen.

Chris became obsessed with building muscle. When he told me he was trying steroids, I told him that was a bad idea but he told me he was doing it under medical supervision and I shouldn’t worry.

In recent months he’s a changed person. He’s short with me a lot, angers easily. He got into a few screaming matches with Matthew, his boyfriend, that I overheard. He sounded paranoid and out-of-control. Guess what? Matthew walked out on him.

I’m not proud but I did a little snooping (basically looked in his bathroom) – and the stuff was everywhere.

Last week he lost his job. He wouldn’t tell me why but I am pretty sure it’s due to his increasingly weird and angry behavior. I told him that—and told him that I know he’s using a lot more than he should (is any amount OK?)—and he majorly blew up at me. Now he’s not talking to me and he texted me I should move out and not wait until our lease is up.

I don’t know what to do. I love Chris deeply—but it seems like the guy I’ve known for 20 years is gone and has been replaced by a mean paranoid guy who is driving his life off a cliff.

I’m wondering about letting his parents know. I’ve known them since childhood and I’m hoping they can talk some sense into him. Or an intervention with all his friends (none of whom he is speaking to anymore for one reason or another, but the real reason is his crazy behavior).  Maybe we could confront him and get him to stop.  

But I’m not sure what the right thing to do is and don’t want to alienate him completely.  Any thoughts or ideas for a good strategy?

Michael replies:

I’m sorry, I know it’s excruciating to watch someone you love struggle with addiction. I don’t think you can get Chris to stop or moderate his use.

You have shared your concerns with Chris, and he’s blown up at you. This is not a guy who wants to look at his life choices critically.

You could tell his parents, but you have to weigh the risks versus benefits. Maybe they would be able to influence Chris to cut back on his steroid use. Or maybe he’d just cut himself off from them as well, further deepening his isolation, and perhaps leading to his being even less tethered to reality.

I would make similar points about an intervention: Sometimes they have a positive impact on the person who is being confronted. Sometimes they don’t do much except rile the person up, and lead him or her to dig further into denial and isolation. 

My own experience is that interventions have a greater chance of being helpful when the person can acknowledge the unmanageability of the addiction and is willing to try something different. Chris doesn’t sound like he is anywhere near that point.

Simply put, there’s no easy fix to this, because only Chris gets to decide how he wants to live his life, even if his choices are ruinous.

Here’s what you can do:

First, if Chris starts talking to you again, be supportive without being enabling. This means not criticizing him or telling him what to do; letting him know that you care about him and are there to help if he wants help; not joining him in minimizing the seriousness of his situation; and having a boundary when necessary. 

For example: 

If there are times when he is pleasant to be with, enjoy them. 

If he’s snapping at you for no reason, you can say “hey, it’s not fun to be with you when you’re like this—I’ll see you later.”

If he’s lamenting his job loss, you might reply, “I’m sorry you lost your job—and I’m sure you could take steps to succeed in another job.” 

If he attempts to start an argument with you about how his steroid use is not a problem, or that you’re blowing it out of proportion, don’t join the argument. “Sorry, I see it differently, and I’m not going to argue with you about this.”

If he continues to not speak to you, you can still continue to reach out to him now-and-then, in ways that don’t require him to respond, to let him know you that you’ll be there for him if he needs help at some point.

One more thing you can do is get some support for yourself. This is a tough situation for you as well. It’s easy for someone in your situation to feel like you’re doing the wrong thing, no matter what you do. 

I’d suggest that you attend at least a few Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a support fellowship for people whose loved ones are struggling with addiction. You’ll get support in recognizing that there really are limits to what you can do; in setting a boundary when you need to; and in knowing that you are not alone.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Dear Michael, 

My boyfriend of five years has been steadily putting on weight and now I would say he is about 50 pounds heavier than when we met, which was the summer of 2019.

First he blamed the weight gain on COVID. Like most people we were stuck at home, anxious, and overindulging in comfort food; and the gym wasn’t an option. So I didn’t say anything and figured things would return to “normal” once we got through the pandemic.

I will say, though, that I managed to not gain much weight during that time because I found ways to exercise. He didn’t want to join me and I didn’t push.

Although we’re long past COVID, Tim hasn’t changed his ways. He never went back to the gym and continues to eat whatever he wants. I’d say his main hobby is sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food.

To make matters worse, his sister recently told me that historically Tim has been a heavy guy. He’d never bothered to share this with me, so I had no idea.

Evidently I met him on the tail-end of an intense push to get in shape. So he looked really good at the time, but that was temporary.

When I confronted him about this, he was mad at his sister for telling me and said I had no right to talk about him behind his back. Well, I didn’t ask her—she just brought it up, and was surprised that I was surprised.

Tim is annoyed that I keep voicing my unhappiness about his being out of shape. He says he is the same sweet and loving person I fell in love with and I’m shallow to be so upset by surface appearances.

I told him he was trying to gaslight me: If he feels that love should have nothing to do with how you look, then why did he go to all the trouble to lose weight and get in shape before we met? I feel like he did it to get a boyfriend and then thought he could just go back to being fat once he was in a relationship.

So now he’s mad at me for saying he’s basically a devious schemer. I didn’t use those words but it’s true I don’t trust him and feel taken advantage of.

Besides the weight, it’s not attractive to see him just basically lie around all the time and not take care of his body.

I asked if he’d consider some drug like Ozempic and he got really angry and said I’m awful to suggest something that might have all sorts of side effects just so that I will be happier with his looks.

The upshot is, I feel stuck with a guy who turns me off and doesn’t want to do anything about it and tells me I’m shallow for not being in love with him no matter what he looks like.

My friends tell me to dump him, but does he have a point?

Michael replies:

You get to decide whom you want to date. You are very far from alone in wanting an energetic and physically attractive partner.

It’s true that no one stays gorgeous, and has an amazing body, forever. We all have to accept the changes that time brings to our partners and to ourselves. But that is different from accepting a partner who isn’t making any effort to take care of himself. 

Aside from the lack of self-care, Tim’s refusal to share significant details about his life, or his thoughts and motives around big issues, is both a trust-destroyer and a huge roadblock to your having a close or intimate relationship. And the way that Tim blows off your questions, and attacks you for being curious or confused, is a recipe for distance and resentment. It is also unkind.

Now let’s look at your part in this. I’m curious about what has been keeping you in this relationship. You haven’t said anything about what you like (or love) about Tim. All I know is that he describes himself as sweet and loving.

Maybe he has some wonderful qualities you haven’t mentioned. Or maybe it’s hard for you to stand up for yourself? To let someone down? To have a boundary when it’s important? 

My biggest questions: Do you have a history of picking partners who underperform in some major ways? Or is the first time you’ve found yourself constantly disappointed by your partner, and constantly pushing him to do better?

Somehow you’ve created a life where you are hitting your head against a brick wall, getting nowhere, continuing to do it, and complaining about the pain. Tim’s made clear that he doesn’t want to do anything different, and yet you continue to push him to change. Your behavior might be leading him to dig in. In any case, it’s leaving you miserable.

In any relationship, you can certainly ask for what you would like from your partner. But you have to let go of the result. And if the answer is “no,” you can either accept it, or drive the two of you crazy.  

If you do care about this relationship, and Tim, and yourself, you could propose to Tim that the two of you meet with a couples therapist. Perhaps this would help Tim to open up and to get a grip on his behaviors. It might also help you to understand why you might be keeping yourself stuck in a miserable position, so that you can raise your level of functioning in this relationship. 

One more important thought: Tim’s lack of self-care and energy make me think that he is depressed. I wonder if Tim—before you met him, at least—was one of the many gay men who feel intense pressure to have a certain kind of body. It isn’t always easy, or even possible, to sustain this kind of appearance. And I wonder if he may be ashamed of where he is, which might be one big reason for his defensiveness.  

Again, couples therapy—or individual therapy—might help him address whatever is keeping him down.  But Tim would have to be willing to go. You can make the suggestion, but you cannot force him to change.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Dear Michael,

I’m a 39 year-old gay man. Over the past decade I’ve been watching my straight friends from college date, marry, have kids, and buy houses. Their lives seem really fulfilling. 

In the meantime, like all my gay friends, I’ve been hooking up and drinking too much and partying on weekends.  

I realize that I hate my gay life. I think it’s vapid. I never thought I would say this but I actually wish I were straight because I think my life would be better and easier.

I don’t think this is internalized homophobia and I don’t think I’m idealizing my straight friends’ lives. I look around me and compare their lives to my life and my gay friends’ lives and it’s obvious that their lives are more meaningful. I realize I’m profoundly depressed. 

Looking to the future, I know I’ve got an expiration date when it will be absurd for me to be standing around in my underpants at a bar. And then I will be irrelevant. 

I don’t want to be going to sex parties and have people look through me — or only have sex with me because they have a grandpa fetish. 

And the prospect of spending my future at a never-ending string of dinner parties with conversations about art or theater seems dismal. I know that’s a cliché but I’ve known enough older gay men to know there’s a lot of truth to it.

I envy my straight friends’ marriages. They all seem devoted to their spouses. 

I would love to have a true life companion. I can’t fathom what my gay friends’ marriages are really about, because they’re all always going out separately from their husbands and screwing other people. I don’t discuss this with anyone because I’m afraid they’ll judge me or say I am pathetic and hate myself. I don’t really hate myself but I am hopeless about having a meaningful life as a gay man.

Any thoughts about getting to a better place?

Michael replies:

I could tell you that your best hope of a better life is to make your peace with being a gay man; that doing so does not have to mean living a life you find vapid and meaningless. That there is no one way to be gay; that you and you alone get to choose how you construct your life. And that the accomplishments you believe give your straight friends’ lives meaning are also possible for you to achieve.

But I think you probably know all this. So the real question is, why are you continuing to live this life you despise, year after year?

Some questions to consider: 

• What are you afraid might happen if you don’t keep following the crowd? 

• What endeavors, activities, and causes do you imagine would give your life some greater meaning? 

• What stops you from pursuing any of them or making them part of your life?

I wonder what life experiences you may have had that contribute to your being so stuck. For example: Were you discouraged from thinking for yourself or from being self-directed as a kid? Were you expected to do as you were told? Were you ever bullied or ostracized, which might make it important for you to feel part of a group even you don’t really fit? 

A related question: While you say that you want a close relationship, you don’t describe efforts to find one. Thinking back over your 39 years, can you identify any reasons why intimacy would be scary or uncomfortable for you?  There are a number of reasons why gay men often have difficulty establishing relationships that include both sex and emotional connection. And you may have your own reasons for avoiding closeness that are unrelated to being gay. (Discomfort with intimacy is not limited to gay people.)

One more thing to consider: Although you say this isn’t internalized homophobia, is it possible you’ve absorbed negative beliefs over the course of your life that lead you to see being gay in a negative light?

I’m asking all these questions simply to encourage you to develop some hypotheses about why you’ve been continuing to live as you’ve been living. Having some understanding of what’s holding you back, or what you’re afraid of, might make it easier to quiet your anxiety, get off autopilot, and start moving in directions you would like to go.

Regarding your being profoundly depressed: I could suggest that you work with a therapist on getting past what is keeping you from creating a better life. In addition, regular exercise (if you aren’t doing this already) would likely help your mood; and curbing your alcohol consumption would likely help you to better manage your life and your mood. (Perhaps your therapist or physician would recommend an antidepressant to help you along.)

Again, I am certain you already know all this. I don’t think suggestions are what you really need. As long as you keep your focus on all the things you hate about your life and all the sadness that you are convinced lies in your future, your life will likely remain as is. 

For you to have a shot at a better life, you’re going to have to do something new (hard and scary as that might be). This might include any or all of my suggestions, or it might be something entirely different that you conceive. The essential ingredients: Recognize that you actually have a choice as to how you want to live your life; and make the choice to take action on your behalf.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].