My partner Craig and I have been inseparable since middle school and came out together as a proud gay couple in high school. Our parents are overwhelmingly supportive as are our friends. They all have so much invested in our relationship and it’s getting to be so much pressure! What nobody knows is that I have been feeling trapped over the last year or so, as though I don’t ever remember actually making a decision to spend my life with Craig.
Craig is a great guy and I love him. However, he’s now talking marriage and kids. I realize that’s the next logical step and I don’t know why I’m so hesitant. We mostly have a great time together with many shared interests. We are both good about household chores and encourage each other in fitness/health goals. We are still great in the bedroom and try new things with each other to keep it interesting. I find him more physically attractive than ever, but neither of us has ever had another sexual partner.
Am I missing out? Everyone else I know has dated many people before settling down. I don’t want to end our relationship or our lifelong friendship, but I can’t shake the feeling that when I am 50 I will regret not having dated other people. Should I put my life up to the vote of well-meaning friends and family? Craig and I usually have great communication, but this issue has me too terrified to openly discuss it with him because I’m afraid of what this means.
You are wise to be trying to decide for yourself what’s right for you rather than responding to pressure from others. Before you get married or have a child, you definitely want to have both feet in. I’d like to offer a few ideas to help you move forward.
You say that you’re terrified to be on a different page from Craig, but I want to reassure you that nothing is wrong. People often arrive at different life stages at different times and now that is happening to the two of you. It makes sense that you might be hesitant to marry your first and only boyfriend whom you’ve been with since middle school, just as it makes sense that Craig might be ready to tie the knot after so many years together.
If you keep all this to yourself, you’re likely to continue to feel trapped. But if you talk, you’ll be taking a risk because you don’t know how Craig will respond. Maybe he’ll recognize that you’re making a brave and intimate move to let him know you better and the two of you will have the opportunity to learn how to be a strong couple despite having some differences. But he may also be hurt by your revelation.
You face a similar dilemma if you choose to date other guys. While you may get the clarity and life experience that you’re seeking, you may also put your relationship with Craig at risk. Again, you will have to take a chance.
I understand your concerns about missing out by not dating other people, given that you met so young and Craig is the only person you’ve ever been with. Know that there are many couples who meet when they are young and happily spend their lives together, even if they haven’t been with others. Also keep in mind that there probably is no “best” partner out there; everyone has some pros and some cons and a relationship that pushes you to take risks in order to grow, just as is happening now with Craig, is a good thing.
Life forces all of us to make big decisions without knowing the outcome. You can only do your best to determine what is most important to you and accept that it is impossible to get everything you want in one person. You and Craig have a lot going for you. I encourage you to see your situation as an opportunity to become stronger by learning how to navigate some difficult challenges. And please remember that part of your growth will come from tolerating a fair amount of tension as you take the time to figure this out.
Finally, if you get stuck, a therapist who is skilled in relationship issues can help you find your own direction. I wish you and Craig the best.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D, licensed psychologist, specializes in gay couples counseling and individual therapy in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.