Advice
Navigating these uncertain times
You have no power over others, but you have a lot of power over yourself

For Valentineās Day, I was planning to write a column about shifts we can make in our attitudes and behaviors to strengthen our love relationships and deepen our connection with our partners.
Then, over the past few weeks, as Iāve been listening to many of my clients express their concerns about the state of our country and our world, I realized that much of what is required to have a great relationship can also help us get through the difficult times we live in.
So here are some principles that I hope will help you to navigate both the challenges of being in a close relationship and the challenges of uncertain times.
These principles overlap because they are all components of an approach to living that focuses on developing and maintaining agency over your life, and working to strengthen your resilience. The more solid you are, the better you can get through the hard stuff.
Strive to behave with integrity, in a way that you respect. You are likely to feel a lot better about yourself if you do what you believe is right, rather than betraying your values out of fear or to please others. The playwright Lillian Hellman, pressed to appear before the House Committee on Un-American Activities in 1952 and āname names,ā said it well: āI cannot and will not cut my conscience to suit this yearās fashions.ā (Of course, only you can decide how to balance possible consequences with the importance of honoring your principles.)
Stand up for what you believe in. Being quiet out of fear or concern for what others will think leaves us feeling like helpless victims. And you cannot have an intimate relationship when you donāt let your partner know important parts of who you are.
Strive to be non-reactive. Do your best to not let others (or circumstances) press your buttons so that you lash out, rather than responding thoughtfully and with deliberation, based on your values.
Strive to always soothe your anxiety. The philosopher Viktor Frankl wrote: āBetween stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.ā When someone or something is starting to make us crazy, the best first move we can make is to quiet ourselves. Doing so allows us to think how to best respond.
Thereās a great saying from Twelve Step programs: āIf you want to have self-esteem, behave in esteemable ways.ā You are more likely to do so when you first calm yourself, rather than exploding with anxiety or rage.
Strive to tolerate discomfort: Sometimes we canāt do much about what is making us uncomfortable or causing us distress. Our partner may not change in ways we would like; our job situation may be rough; we may face hostility in the outside world. Identifying how we can deal with challenges and difficult circumstances in a way that helps us become stronger and more resilient can often help us to weather them a bit more easily.
Strive to tolerate uncertainty: There really are no guarantees about anything important in life. Thatās the way it goes. We canāt know how things will turn out āneither our relationships nor our lives nor the fate of humanity. So if we are to construct a meaningful life, we have no choice other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing our best to respond thoughtfully and to have an impact when and where we can, without knowing the outcome.
Strive to stay anchored in reality, not lost in feelings. When we let our feelings run the show, itās easy to get spun up and reactive. While our feelings are a source of information, they are not reality. All sorts of thingsāour pasts, the distortions of social media, what people around us are doing and sayingācan contribute to how we feel about a situation.
Yes, itās always a good idea to be aware of our feelings. But before acting on them, calm yourself, get some clarity about why you may be feeling what youāre feeling, and think about how reality lines up (or doesnāt line up) with what youāre feeling. In other words, aim to keep the big picture in mind.
Remember that you cannot change others, but you may at times be able to influence them. For example, when I first became vegetarian, I wanted to push my friends to adopt a vegetarian diet by āenlighteningā them about the misery of factory farms and the environmental cost of raising animals for food. I soon realized that lectures and judgment are not a great way to change minds. Serving delicious vegetarian food for a dinner is more helpful. So think about how you can reach out to someone or to others with different views, in a way that they are more likely to hear you.
Obviously, there are limits to this approach. There may be times when you arenāt going to be heard, no matter how you say what you have to say. The point at which we shift from reaching out to someone to taking a ādonāt tread on meā stance can be tricky to discern, and the decision to make that shift should be taken thoughtfully and with appreciation of possible consequences.
Keep your focus mainly on what you can do about a situation. Focus less on what the other person is doing wrong, or not doing. While you have little or no power over others, you have a lot of power over yourself. Thinking about what you can do to effect at least some of the change you would like, in your relationship or your community or our world, is an antidote to feeling powerless.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].)
Advice
My partner wonāt come out to her parents
How to cope when you love someone whoās closeted

Dear Michael:
Iām having a terrible communication problem with my girlfriend. She just isnāt hearing me on some issues that mean a lot.
Nicki doesnāt get why itās important for me that we be out to her parents as a couple. Iāve explained my position over and over. Iām not willing to hide or pretend, and doing so makes things way more complicated down the road, if we stay together. Eventually weād have to explain our lies. Itās crazy to imagine hiding our marriage, or hiding children. More than crazy!
How can you be believable about anything if you arenāt honest about who you are and the nature of your relationship?
Nickiās whole response boils down to her being afraid that her parents will reject her (theyāre deeply religious, conservative). Me trying to explain to her that you canāt let fear run your life just doesnāt penetrate her brain.
As a result I havenāt met her parents yet, and our relationship is a lot more tentative than I would like it to be at this point.
Besides this ābiggie,ā there is one other issue that she just doesnāt get, no matter how much I explain my position: She makes fun of me a lot ā especially when weāre out with friends. About all sorts of things. How I dress (too stereotypically lesbian in her view); my interests (same criticism); my supposed inability to cook; my bad driving; my loving my dog too much. And more.
Nicki either says sheās not making fun of me, or says that sheās just kidding around and I am too serious. The more I ask her to stop, the more she tells me to ālighten up.ā She just isnāt hearing me.
Aside from communication issues around these big topics, we have an otherwise great relationship that I would like to last. However, this stuff isnāt acceptable.
What more can I do to communicate more clearly in a way that she will hear me?
Michael replies:
It sounds like youāre both making your points loud and clear. You criticize Nicki, and Nicki criticizes you.
Communication means that you say what you want to say to your partner, and you listen when she wants to share something. It does not mean that you get your partner to agree with you or behave as you want her to.
Even if you think that Nickiās not being out to her parents is crazy, she doesnāt have to come out to them.
Is Nicki open to the idea of eventually coming out to her parents? Mustering the courage to do so can be a slow process. If Nicki would like to work on this, and you are willing to wait, then stay in the relationship and work on being patient and accepting. But if this is a deal breaker issue now, Nicki is not for you.
While you can continue to try to change Nicki, this tactic doesnāt seem to be getting you anywhere, except annoyed. You have a lot of power over your own behavior, but little power over how your partner behaves. In other words, you get to be with the person you are with; not a hypothetical āimprovedā version that better suits you.
With regard to the teasing issue: I believe that if someone you care about tells you that you are hurting them, itās a good idea to listen. I donāt get why Nicki wants to keep behaving toward you in ways that you find painful. Could it be that all of this is linked?
Perhaps Nicki is hurt or annoyed or angry that you wonāt accept her not being out to her parents; and is getting back at you for your ongoing pestering by torturing you with criticisms and insults. Or, perhaps your hurt, annoyance, and anger over Nickiās ongoing teasing is leading you to retaliate by continually criticizing her closeted status.
Think of your relationship as a system: When one part of a system changes, it impacts the entire system. If either one of you changes your behavior for the better, you will likely have a positive impact on your relationship. Do you want to make the first move, and see what happens?
You might also begin an ongoing discussion with Nicki about the benefits of being respectful toward each other, listening to each other, striving to understand each otherās points of view, and tolerating that you sometimes see both minor and important issues differently.
But only start that discussion if it makes sense to you that having a decent relationship depends on your continually striving to do these things.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
Advice
How to rebuild trust after infidelity
You cannot use your partnerās bad behavior to justify your own

Last monthās column featured a letter from someone who had cheated on his boyfriend, and was struggling with the boyfriendās unwillingness to forgive him despite his contrition. He wondered what he could do to earn back his boyfriendās trust, and noted that he was feeling increasingly resentful over the nonstop scrutiny and contempt.
My reply in a nutshell: If youāve stepped out of your relationship, and want to do better going forward, the main person whose trust you need to earn is your own. Figure out your own standards (with input from your partner, of course) to be a boyfriend who deserves his partnerās trust, and live up to those standards. Strive to honor your partnerās requests to demonstrate your trustworthiness, but when doing so comes at too high a cost to your self-respect or your affection for your partner, you may need to set a boundary.
Now Iād like to address the other side of this dilemma. If youāve been cheated on, what can you do to build a trusting and loving relationship with your partner, going forward? Hereās what I would say to the boyfriend.
For starters: Youāre in a tough spot. Itās natural and understandable to be hurt, heartbroken, and furious with your partner. But if you want to have a loving relationship with this guy going forward, you are going to have to find a way to not let these feelings run your show for too long.
As is true for your partner, the person whose trust you most need to earn is you. Can you get better at paying attention, going forward, to any signs that your partner is stepping out of the relationship? Did you miss any hints that something was amiss? Were you ignoring data about your partnerās behavior and character?
You canāt go too far in either direction here. On the one hand, ignoring your āspidey senseā that somethingās wrong is a terrible idea. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and interrogations create an imbalanced relationship and often lead to your partner wanting to get away with things. Thatās just a natural consequence of being constantly watched.
A big part of your work is to determine if your partner is sincere in his desire to be honest going forward and devote himself to building the same kind of relationship that you want to build. This means assessing your partnerās character: Do you have a clear read on his values, and do you respect them? Can you get a good sense of whether he is just telling you what you want to hear in order to stay in the relationship, or being honest about where he really stands?
You can never know for sure. You can only do your best to see your partner and your relationship accurately. One thing is certain, though. If you are going to be in a close relationship, you must accept that you are going to be vulnerable to heartbreak. In any long relationship, partners do at times hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. There is no way around this.
Of course, that doesnāt mean you must stay with someone who cheated on you. You get to decide whom you want to be with, what is not forgivable, and when you do not want to forgive.
If you decide that you have good reason to stay, you will have to develop your ability to calm yourself when it feels like something might be wrong and you are starting to freak out. Remember, your alarm system is likely on high alert after having been betrayed, which means you may easily panic when something might be amiss.
So when your partner doesnāt show up when he said he would, or doesnāt reply to a text or answer his phone, take a moment to quiet your mind ā perhaps by taking some slow deep breaths, perhaps simply by reminding yourself that your judgment may be āoffā right now ā and not rush into accusations or a downward spiral.
Every time you are able to make this move, you will be strengthening your ability to remain calm and thoughtful under very tough circumstances. That is a great skill to have in all arenas of life.
One more point: If you want to be angry or walk around feeling like your partner owes you for the rest of your existence, you might as well end the relationship, because youāll never have a loving relationship under those conditions. You cannot use your partnerās bad behavior to justify your own bad behavior. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must strive to be someone worth being in a relationship with.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

Dear Michael,
I cheated on my boyfriend and I canāt get him to forgive me.
A few months ago I slept with another guy. I canāt really explain why I did it. Sam and I have had an agreement to be monogamous and I believe in monogamy.
Rick, the āother manā and I, have been friends for a long time and it just happened. Rick is very attractive, I think he has a great personality, we were having dinner together and Iād had a bit too much to drink. We started making out and then left together and went to his place.
Unfortunately, a friend of Samās saw us kissing at the restaurant and reported me to Sam. He confronted me and I confessed to everything (not just the kissing).
I am very disappointed in myself and Iāve communicated that, over and over, to Sam.
But he continues to be angry with me. Every time I go out, he tells me to ābehave.ā He told me I canāt see Rick anymore and he has my āfind my phoneā feature activated so that he can always check my whereabouts. He also has all my passwords and periodically checks everything. Itās like being randomly drug-tested by my boyfriend.
On one hand, I understand. Iāve destroyed his trust in me and I need to rebuild it.
On the other hand, itās hard to live with his obvious contempt for me and his skepticism when I am trying to live up to a higher standard, going forward.
The truth is, I am starting to resent the constant scrutiny and contempt. I actually told him that and he blew up at me, telling me that I have no right to feel this way after hurting him as I have done.
Is one episode of infidelity really that bad?
According to Sam, yes ā because I did it and didnāt tell him. He says he never would have known if his friend hadnāt told him about it, and this makes him wonder what else Iāve done, or might do.
All I can say is, I am contrite and told him everything Iād done when all he knew was that I had made out with someone. So I am wanting to be honest.
I donāt know how itās possible to recover from this.
Michael replies:
You canāt have a loving relationship when one partner is the probation officer and the other partner is on probation. As you are finding, you wind up in a cesspool of resentment and suspicion.
Hereās an alternate approach: First, focus on giving Sam reason to trust you, every hour and every day. This means behaving in a way that is trustworthy.
The big question: What constitutes trustworthy behavior?
Of course, you must consider Samās feelings and comfort level in deciding on how you should conduct yourself as his partner. But you canāt base your standard only on what Sam demands; and you canāt do everything he demands.
Thatās what youāre doing now, with all the password-checking and location-tracking, and itās leaving you angry, scared, demeaned, and second-guessing yourself. Itās also unbalancing your relationship, because rather than being two equal partners, one of you is subservient to the other.
One more problem: itās a fact of life that when people are being watched, they are often tempted to find some way to ācheat.ā Iām not saying that Samās surveillance should or will drive you to hook up again; but ongoing scrutiny can certainly lead people to want to hide things. That is not a good dynamic for an intimate relationship.
Hereās an alternate way to rebuild trust: Decide for yourself how you want to behave, what standards and limits have integrity for you (again, taking into great consideration what is important to Sam). Strive to live up to these standards. Continue to follow through, day after day. You will feel proud of yourself and solid in your belief that you are a person who is trustworthy.
This may take some time. I understand well that you broke Samās trust, and perhaps his heart. You have to build a track record for him to see that you are holding yourself accountable.
You may be facing a dilemma, as frequently happens in intimate relationships. They have a way of forcing us to make tough choices. If you do what you think is best to be a trustworthy partner, and if some of your choices violate Samās demands, Sam may end the relationship. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and cross-examination may be intolerable for you in a close relationship.
Explaining to Sam why it is important for you to have a boundary at times, in the interest of strengthening and developing a more loving relationship, may be helpful.
While you, the partner who strayed, wrote this letter, there are important points for Sam (or anyone in his position) to consider in the interest of repairing a relationship following infidelity. I will address these in my next column.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
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