Living
Abraham Lincoln: A life in the closet?
By Mark Segal
National Gay History Project
Abraham Lincoln (1809-65) may likely be the most studied and researched of the United States presidents. The first reference to him possibly being “homosexual” came from notable Lincoln expert Carl Sandburg in his 1926 biography, “Abraham Lincoln: The War Years.” In describing the early relationship between Lincoln and his close friend, Joshua Fry Speed, Sandburg wrote “a streak of lavender, and spots soft as May violets.” This line got historians talking about an issue from which many had previously shied away. Still, the biography was written in the early 20th century, a time when such topics were only discussed in whispers. But by including the line, Sandburg felt the relationship deserved acknowledgement. It wasn’t until 2005 when the first book was published on Lincoln’s relationships with men, C.A. Tripp’s “The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln.”
Detractors of Lincoln’s possible homosexuality, such as historian David Herbert Donald, often say there is no new evidence on Lincoln. Yet historians continue to draw fresh conclusions from Lincoln’s letters. Those who attempt to refute Lincoln’s possible “homosexua
Abraham Lincoln as a young man. (Public domain photo by the Library of Congress, via Wikimedia Commons)
Yet history, like everything else, is open to interpretation and influenced by new findings. Bias also motivated the retelling of historical events. The best example of bias in American history is the story of Thomas Jefferson and his slave/concubine Sally Hemings, which was not accepted as a truthful account until 1998 — and only after DNA proof. African-American citizens — not historians — led the effort to give Hemings her rightful place in history. Likewise with Lincoln, most historians have referred to isolated facts rather than the pattern of events in his life to tell his personal story. Will history once again prove historians wrong?
The Poem
I will tell you a Joke about Jewel and Mary
It is neither a Joke nor a Story
For Rubin and Charles has married two girls
But Billy has married a boy
The girlies he had tried on every Side
But none could he get to agree
All was in vain he went home again
And since that is married to Natty
So Billy and Natty agreed very well
And mama’s well pleased at the match
The egg it is laid but Natty’s afraid
The Shell is So Soft that it never will hatch
But Betsy she said you Cursed bald head
My Suitor you never Can be
Beside your low crotch proclaims you a botch
And that never Can answer for me
This poem, about a boy marrying a boy, is thought to be the first reference to gay marriage in U.S. history. A 20-year-old man in rural Indiana wrote it 182 years ago. That young man was Abraham Lincoln. Most historians agree Lincoln wrote the poem as a joke or rebuttal to the lack of an invitation to a friend’s wedding, but how a backwoodsman conceives a boy-marries-boy poem in 1829 remains a question.
The poem was included in the first major biography of Lincoln, written by his law partner, William Herndon. Revisionists omitted it in subsequent editions. It didn’t reappear in Herndon’s edition until the 1940s.
Billy Greene
In 1830, when Lincoln’s family moved to Coles County, Ill., he headed out on his own. At age 22, he settled in New Salem, Ill., where he met Billy Greene — and, as Greene told Herndon, the two “shared a narrow bed. When one turned over the other had to do likewise.” Greene was so close to Lincoln at that time that he could describe Lincoln’s physique. However, Lincoln was poor at the time and it was not unusual for men in poverty to share a bed.
Joshua Fry Speed
In 1837, Lincoln moved to Springfield, Ill., to practice law and enter politics. That’s where he met the two men who would be his greatest friends throughout his life. One, Joshua Fry Speed, became his bed partner for a while; the other was law partner Herndon. Beyond the revelation that Lincoln and Speed had an intimate friendship, little has been written about how diligently Speed worked for Lincoln’s legal and political career. Speed’s name popped up in many of Lincoln’s legal filings and on the Illinois Whig Party’s central committee. The two were almost inseparable. Most Lincoln historians agree this relationship was the strongest and most intimate of the president’s life. What they don’t agree on is why they slept in the same bed together for four years when they had the space and means to sleep separately, as was expected of men their age. They were no longer young and poor. And this was a house with ample room, unlike the hotels that accommodated Lincoln and his team on the road; then, it was common to sleep two or more in a bed.
By 1840, both Lincoln and Speed — now 31 and 26— were considered well past the marrying age. Both bachelors reportedly were hesitant to tie the knot, but it was a de-facto requirement to have a wife if you wanted to move in political circles — or at least create the perception of interest in marriage. Both Speed and Lincoln dreaded this “requirement,” as evidenced by Lincoln’s letters. Speed takes the marriage plunge first and moves back to Kentucky, leaving Lincoln. At this precise time, Lincoln suffered a mental breakdown. Historians have been all over the map as to what caused the breakdown, but it was so intense that friends, including Herndon, worried he would take his own life. Lincoln only recovered after Speed invited him to visit him and his new wife in Kentucky.
Lincoln’s most emotional and intimate writings were contained in his letters to Speed. From the time they lived together until shortly after Speed married and moved to Kentucky, Lincoln always signed his letters “forever yours” or “yours forever.”
Lincoln wrote to Speed shortly before the latter’s Feb. 15, 1842 wedding: “When this shall reach you, you will have been Fanny’s husband several days. You know my desire to befriend you is everlasting — that I will never cease, while I know how to do any thing.
“But you will always hereafter, be on ground that I have never occupied, and consequently, if advice were needed, I might advise wrong.
“ … I am now fully convinced, that you love her as ardently as you are capable of loving … If you went through the ceremony calmly, or even with sufficient composure not to excite alarm in any present, you are safe, beyond question, and in two or three months, to say the most, will be the happiest of men.
“I hope with tolerable confidence, that this letter is a plaster for a place that is no longer sore. God grant it may be so.
“I would desire you to give my particular respects to Fanny, but perhaps you will not wish her to know you have received this, lest she should desire to see it. Make her write me an answer to my last letter to her at any rate. I would set great value upon another letter from her.
“P.S. I have been quite a man ever since you left.”
The two exchanged letters regularly and, in October 1842, Lincoln observed the newlywed Speed was “happier now than you were the day you married her.” He continued: “Are you now, in feeling as well as judgment, glad you are married as you are? From any body but me, this would be an impudent question not to be tolerated; but I know you will pardon it in me. Please answer it quickly as I feel impatient to know.”
The urgency in his letter is palpable: Lincoln married Mary Todd on Nov. 4, 1842, despite that he broke off their engagement two years earlier.
Even after the Civil War broke out and Speed lived in Kentucky — a border state, Lincoln and Speed continued to write. On numerous occasions, Speed visited Lincoln at the White House; he even spent a night with Lincoln in the president’s cottage at the Soldier’s Home, 3 miles northwest of the White House.
Throughout Lincoln’s political career, he urged Speed to accept a political appointment that would bring him to live in Washington, D.C. When that failed, he appointed Speed’s brother, James, U.S. attorney general in 1864.
Elmer Ellsworth
After Speed and Lincoln’s marriages, there were no traces of other men in Lincoln’s life until Elmer Ellsworth in 1860. According to “The Abraham Lincoln Blog,” in 1859, Ellsworth formed the Chicago Zouaves, a precision military drill team based on the famous Zouave soldiers of the French Army based in northern Africa.
The Chicago Zouaves, led by Ellsworth, toured the northern states in the months before the Civil War, with the so-called regiment performing acrobatic moves, marching and weapons displays. The regiment impressed the crowds — despite the fact that they’d never seen military action.
Lincoln met Ellsworth through these displays and the two became friends. Lincoln invited Ellsworth, who had been a law clerk in Chicago, to move to Springfield to study law. Ellsworth became devoted to Lincoln and adored by the entire Lincoln family. One author wrote that it seemed Lincoln had a “schoolboy crush” on the much-younger Ellsworth. He first worked in Lincoln’s law practice, then moved on to his political career and eventual campaign for president. Once elected, Lincoln asked Ellsworth to accompany his family to Washington.
At the beginning of the Civil War, Ellsworth asked Lincoln to assist in obtaining a position for him in the Union Army. In a letter dated April 15, 1861, Lincoln wrote: “I have been, and still am anxious for you to have the best position in the military which can be given you.”
When a call for soldiers went out, Ellsworth headed to New York and rallied 1,000 men, then returned to Washington, D.C. When Virginia voted to secede on May 23, 1861, a hotel owner in Alexandria, Va., across the Potomac River, raised a Confederate flag — visible from Lincoln’s office. Early the next morning, Ellsworth and his men crossed the river and occupied the telegraph office to cut off communications. Seeing that the hotel was next door, Ellsworth entered it and took down the flag, then was fatally shot by the hotel’s proprietor. Ellsworth would be the first Union soldier killed in the war.
After hearing of the tragedy, Lincoln wept openly and went with Mrs. Lincoln to view the soldier’s body. Lincoln arranged for Ellsworth to lay in state in the White House, followed by a funeral. The president was inconsolable for days.
Lincoln wrote condolences to Ellsworth’s parents: “My acquaintance with him began less than two years ago; yet through the latter half of the intervening period, it was as intimate as the disparity of our ages, and my engrossing engagements, would permit … What was conclusive of his good heart, he never forgot his parents.”
As with Speed and his family, Lincoln appointed Ellsworth family members to positions in the government.
David Derickson
In 1862, Lincoln met Capt. David Derickson, who served as his bodyguard, providing protection for the president when he commuted from the White House to his cottage at the Soldier’s Home. Lincoln spent about a quarter of his presidency at the cottage, which allowed him some escape from D.C.’s summers and from public interruptions at the White House.
Lincoln and his bodyguard became close, and historians Tripp and David Herbert Donald noted two recorded mentions that Lincoln and Derickson slept in the same bed: Derickson’s superior, Lt. Col. Thomas Chamberlain, and Tish Fox, the wife of Assistant Navy Secretary Gustavus Fox, both wrote about it. Tish wrote in her diary that Derickson was devoted to Lincoln and “when Mrs. Lincoln was away, they slept together.”
But there were more than just two eyewitnesses to this relationship. After the war, Chamberlain published an account of the regiment called “History of the 150th Regiment of Pennsylvania Volunteers, Second Regiment, Bucktail Brigade.” Before it was published, many members of the company reviewed the manuscript and no one objected to the following:
“The president was also not an infrequent visitor in the late afternoon hours, and endeared himself to his guards by his genial, kind ways. He was not long in placing the officers in his two companies at their ease in his presence, and Capts. Derickson and Crozier were shortly on a footing of such marked friendship with him that they were often summoned to dinner or breakfast at the presidential board. Capt. Derickson, in particular, advanced so far in the president’s confidence and esteem that in Mrs. Lincoln’s absence he frequently spent the night at his cottage, sleeping in the same bed with him, and — it is said — making use of his excellency’s nightshirt! Thus began an intimacy which continued unbroken until the following spring, when Capt. Derickson was appointed provost marshall of the 19th Pennsylvania District, with headquarters in Meadville.”
The Bucktails witnessed the relationship between the president and his bodyguard, which was public enough that they knew Derickson kept him company when Mrs. Lincoln traveled, and wore his nightshirt. Historical interpretations aside, why would the president, then in his 50s, sleep with his bodyguard?
Lincoln and women
Lincoln’s lack of interest in women was frequently documented as awkward. Most historians agree there are only three women with whom Lincoln was close: his stepmother, Sarah Bush Johnston Lincoln, who raised him with affection; Ann Rutledge, who he was romantically linked to but not engaged; and Todd. He also courted Mary Owens for a time in 1836, but the relationship ended on mutual agreement. If Lincoln was a closeted gay man, he still could have loved and adored Todd, for the same reasons many closeted men love their wives: She brought him a sense of being loved and the family he craved. While Todd was always described as high-strung, she reportedly took a turn for the worse — many historians have labeled her as insane — during their marriage. The Lincolns endured many tragedies — three of their four children did not survive to adulthood — which could have caused her decline, but it’s also possible that she stumbled upon her husband’s same-sex affections.
Detractors
The most outspoken and respected of detractors is historian and Lincoln biographer David Herbert Donald, arguably the most notable Lincoln observer since Sandburg. In his attempts to refute Lincoln’s possible homosexuality, Donald claims in his book “Lincoln’s Men” (2004) that while Speed and Lincoln slept together for four years in the same bed, they both were romancing women during two of those years. But the fact that he courted women doesn’t rule out the possibility that Lincoln may have preferred men. Donald also noted that no contemporaries of the two, including Herndon, claimed to have witnessed Speed and Lincoln having intimate relations. But Donald ignored eyewitness accounts and misinterpreted other witnesses who hinted at it, such as the president’s own secretaries. The historian also brushed aside the emotion contained in the letters between Lincoln and Speed, in their own handwriting. Donald pointed out it was common for 19th-century young men to have emotional relationships and share a bed. But Speed and Lincoln weren’t considered “young” when they met.
Doris Kearns Goodwin, in an interview on C-SPAN about her 2006 Lincoln biography “Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln,” said, “Homosexuals didn’t exist before the word was coined in 1868 … ” She most likely meant the term didn’t exist, but this clearly demonstrates a lack of sensitivity by non-gay historians. Goodwin has to be familiar with Lincoln contemporary Walt Whitman. While the words “homosexual” and “gay” were not coined at that point, Whitman now is considered to have been gay.
Younger historians and Lincoln scholars seem to be more sensitive to the subject than Donald or Kerns were. For example, Jean H. Baker, a former student of Donald, conceded in her acclaimed 1987 book, “Mary Todd Lincoln: A Biography,” that Lincoln’s distraction from his wife was likely due to more than just his all-consuming work. Baker said, in a New York Times interview, “I previously thought [Lincoln] was detached because he was thinking great things about court cases … now I see there is another explanation.”
Conclusions
Taken individually, accounts of Lincoln with other men may not offer enough proof that he was gay. But the pattern reveals a man who, in his sexual prime, slept exclusively with another man for four years — two of those years (according to Donald) without romancing someone of the opposite sex; who wrote a poem about a boy marrying a boy; and who, as president, slept with his bodyguard.
From historical records, one can conclude that Lincoln enjoyed sleeping with men. He did so when it was acceptable in youth and poverty, and also when he was older and successful. While it is documented that Lincoln slept with several men, there is only one confirmed woman who shared his bed — Todd. (Most Lincoln historians dispute an account that he was involved with a female prostitute.) Of the men, we don’t know how many reciprocated with emotion. To find one same-sex soul mate in the culture of the 1800s seems a miracle; Lincoln may have sought others when Speed went on to have the life that was expected of men of the time. In that period, only one man in 300 did not marry. And Speed was apparently the love of his life. Lincoln resisted marriage as long as he could, only marrying after Speed was well-entrenched in his own marriage — a phase that coincided with Lincoln’s “mental distress.”
Mark Segal is founder and publisher of Philadelphia Gay News, the country’s oldest LGBT newsweekly. Sometimes called the Dean of the Gay Press, Segal is an award-winning columnist and is fascinated by history.
Real Estate
Signs you’ve outgrown self-management of your D.C. rental
Keeping up with local regulations is a struggle
According to rental market statistics from RentCafe, Washington, D.C., remains at the top of the most popular cities for rental properties. With a strong rental market and a growing population, success should be second nature to real estate investors and rental property owners in this area.
As a self-manager of your own rental, if you’re not enjoying the profitability and the earnings that this market can provide, it might be time to look for professional management.
There are certain signs that show property owners have outgrown self-management. We’re exploring those today, and inviting DIY landlords to consider the benefits that come with a partnership with a professional property management company in Washington, D.C.
Washington, D.C., is known for having a complex and ever-changing regulatory environment. There are strict tenant rights, rent control laws, and specific rules related to property maintenance such as mold, lead based paint hazards, among others. The Rental Housing Act of 1985 is strictly enforced, and under this program, there are specific rules regarding rent adjustments, dispute resolution, and eviction protections.
Fair housing laws need complete compliance, security deposits have strict timelines, and habitability standards are in place to ensure tenants are living in a home that’s safe and well-maintained.
Staying on top of these rules can be time-consuming and difficult. Violating even a small regulation unintentionally can result in fines or legal action. It’s critical to stay compliant, and if you find yourself struggling to keep up with the evolving laws and regulations, it’s a clear sign that you may need professional help. Property managers can reduce the risk and liability of making a legal mistake.
Financial Returns are Underwhelming
A lot of self-managing landlords choose to lease, manage, and maintain their own properties because they don’t want to pay a management fee. We get it. Keeping more of your money seems like the best way to increase profitability.
But, here’s the reality of it: property managers can help you earn more and spend less on your investment, increasing your earnings and your ROI. In fact, a good property manager can often earn enough additional net revenue for the owner to pay for that fee over a year.
Property managers are experienced at maximizing the financial performance of rental properties. We can help:
- Optimize rental income
- Reduce vacancy rates
- Lower maintenance costs through established vendor relationships
- Recommend improvements for higher values
Ultimately, a good property manager will ensure that your property is being run efficiently. We will use our expertise to ensure your property is earning what it should.
Maintenance and Repairs Are Taking Up Too Much Time
Maintenance challenges are not unique to self-managing rental property owners. We deal with them, too, as professional property managers. We respond to plumbing issues and appliance malfunctions, we take calls in the middle of the night when a sewer is backing up, and we work hard to protect properties against deterioration and general wear and tear.
This can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to finding vendors and service professionals that are both affordable and provide quality service. Plumbers, electricians, HVAC technicians, and even landscapers and cleaners are in high demand in Washington, D.C. But maintenance at your rental property cannot wait. It’s essential to the value and condition of your investment as well as to the product you are selling.
It’s time to work with a professional property manager if you’re having trouble finding vendors or if you’re struggling to keep up with maintenance requests. We have systems for emergency responses, routine repairs, and preventative services.
Tenant Screening Is Becoming More Difficult and Time-Consuming
Finding good tenants is one of the most critical aspects of rental property management. But in our home of Washington, D.C. we have one of the most regulated rental markets in the country. The tenant screening process has become increasingly complex, highly restricted, and time-intensive.
Many property owners are surprised to learn that there are more limitations than ever on what can be screened, what information can be used in making a decision whom to rent to, and how screening decisions must be documented. Federal and local laws tightly regulate the use of credit histories, criminal background records, income verification, and even eviction records. Staying compliant is not optional. Failure to follow these rules can open the door to discrimination claims, administrative complaints, substantial fines, or even lawsuits.
That’s why rushing or relying on outdated methods can easily result in selecting the wrong resident or worse, unintentionally violating DC’s Human Rights Act or federal Fair Housing laws.
Problematic tenants often become evident only after move-in: lease breaks, chronic late payments, noise complaints, and property damage. When these patterns appear repeatedly, it is often a sign that the screening process is not sufficiently structured.
Why Professional Screening Matters
Professional property managers have systems in place to perform thorough, legally compliant screening while avoiding oversteps that could violate the regulations. Professional property managers use trusted screening platforms and follow written processes that keep owners protected and ensure fairness for applicants.
Columbia Property Management’s screening process includes:
- Credit Report Review
Evaluating credit patterns, payment reliability, and debt load while complying with restrictions on how data can be used. - Rental History Verification
Contacting prior landlords and reviewing national eviction databases—keeping in mind that some jurisdictions like the District of Columbia limit how far back eviction data can be seen, must less considered. - Background ChecksReviewing public records in a manner consistent with DC’s Human Rights Act and federal guidance on criminal history usage. Not all criminal records can be considered in rental decisions, and timing rules often apply.
- Income & Employment Verification
Confirming applicants can afford the rent and other monthly expenses based on their income, without ruling out certain income in a discriminatory way (e.g., vouchers, subsidies, or lawful alternative forms of income). There are many intentional steps conducted by professional property managers under a framework that ensures decisions are based on objective criteria, applied consistently, and fully aligned with the latest federal and DC regulations.
Your Property Is Sitting Vacant for Longer Periods
While current rental market dynamics are starting to show the effects of federal workforce layoffs and the worsening local economy, the vacancy rate in Washington, D.C., is relatively low, compared to the national average. According to a news report from WTOP, the local vacancy rate is just 6%, and there are an average of seven applications for every available rental unit.
A vacant rental property can quickly become a financial drain. Whether you own a condo near Dupont Circle or a single-family home in one of Capitol Hill’s neighborhoods, every day your property sits empty means lost income. While the D.C. market is generally competitive, the reality is that there are always fluctuations in demand based on seasons, neighborhood desirability, and even economic trends.
If you’re struggling to fill your rental quickly, it might be a sign that you need to re-evaluate your approach. An experienced property management company has a marketing strategy in place to keep vacancy periods as short as possible. From professional photos and listings to leveraging established networks, they can help ensure that your property is rented quickly, reducing the amount of time it sits vacant.
While managing a rental property in Washington, D.C., can be rewarding, it’s also challenging. As your property portfolio grows or the demands of your life or the demands of being a landlord increase, it’s helpful to recognize when it’s time to step back and let a professional handle the day-to-day tasks.
From navigating complex local regulations to ensuring your property remains occupied and well-maintained, there are many reasons why rental property owners in Washington, D.C., outgrow self-management. If any of these signs resonate with you, consider partnering with a property management company like ours to ensure that your rental investment continues to thrive without the stress and burnout of self-management.
We’d love to be your Washington, D.C., property management partner and resource. Please contact us at 888-857-6594 or ColumbiaPM.com
Scott Bloom is owner and Senior Property Manager, Columbia Property Management.
Advice
My federal worker husband is depressed and I don’t know how to help
I feel like he’s dragging me into his hopelessness
Dear Michael,
My husband is a federal worker. Many of his colleagues took “the fork” or have been fired. So work has been overwhelming. He usually works late. The morale in his office is terrible. His paycheck disappeared with the shutdown although due to the specifics of his job, he still had to go in. He’s gotten increasingly depressed, irritable, and short-tempered.
I met Jason 20 years ago when we were young, and one of the things that made me fall in love with him was his idealism. He came to Washington because he wanted to contribute to the well-being of our country.
When I look at him now, it’s like he’s been through the wringer. He’s lost his idealism, feels unappreciated by our country, and is becoming bitter.
He never wants to go out with friends. Either he doesn’t want to hear them complain about the same sorts of things he’s experiencing, or he doesn’t want to have to interact with people who are doing just fine, job-wise.
He also doesn’t feel like going out, just the two of us. So we’re home a lot. But we’re not spending time together when we’re at home. He’s surfing the internet, doom-scrolling, or playing video games.
I can’t get him to talk to me; he says, “I don’t want to talk about anything, it just makes me feel worse.” I can’t get him to do anything that might help him feel better. He doesn’t want to cook dinner with me, he doesn’t want to eat any of his favorite foods that I make for him, he won’t go for a walk with our dog (exercise is supposed to help mood, right?).
I’m really worried about him. Clearly, he’s depressed, and nothing I am trying is helping him to feel better.
But in addition, I am starting to get annoyed. How much more can I try to do things for him that he doesn’t respond to and doesn’t appreciate?
I’ve been OK through this long slog, so far, but now I feel like I am being sucked into his depression and hopelessness. I’m starting to feel like giving up. I’m lonely and I miss my husband and I am despairing that he’s ever really going to come back.
In short, now I hate my life, too.
I’m not going anywhere but I am worried that my main feeling toward him is starting to be apathy. Is there something I can do to help him that I haven’t thought of?
Michael replies:
I’m sorry, this is such a rough time.
It’s understandable that when someone you love is suffering and feeling miserable, you might at times get fed up and feel like pulling away.
There’s a great saying by an ancient Jewish sage, Rabbi Tarfon: While you can’t fix the whole world, that doesn’t mean you should give up and do nothing to help.
I thought of that saying as I read your letter, because while you can’t get Jason to change his mood or take action on his own behalf, you may have some ability to help him.
Similarly, while you can’t have a fantastic time in life when your husband is in a miserable place, you can take care of yourself and likely have a better life than you are having at present.
For starters, I encourage you to keep reminding yourself that this is without doubt one of the hardest periods of your husband’s life. So it’s a very good idea to have an open heart and a lot of compassion for Jason, as much of the time as you can. This won’t be easy. Strive to keep in mind that getting angry at Jason or frustrated with him won’t help.
Don’t try to insist that Jason do anything. Often, when we push someone to do something that they don’t want to do, this just results in their digging in more. People generally don’t like to be nagged.
Of course you can ask Jason if he’d like to join you for a walk, or an outing, but tread carefully. You can advocate for what you’d like, but Jason gets to decide what he wants to do.
You can certainly ask Jason what he would like from you, especially when he’s complaining. I love the “3 H’s” concept: Would he like you to hear (simply listen)? Would he like help (advice on what to do)? Or would he just like a hug?
The best message you can send to Jason, by your presence and by an ongoing loving stance, is “I am here. You’re not alone.” Even when he wants to stay in the basement playing video games. You’re not criticizing him and you’re not judging him. Maybe you’re baking some cookies you both like and leaving him a plateful to eat if and when he wants to. (Be sure to treat yourself to some, as well.)
In terms of bigger interventions, you can suggest that Jason meet with a therapist, or meet with his physician to discuss the possibility of an antidepressant to help him through this awful period. For example, you might have a sincere conversation where you say something like this:
“I’m worried about you. I really want to encourage you to get some help. My love for you can only go so far, and while I’m not going anywhere, I’d like you to take seriously how miserable you are. I’m here to encourage you that maybe you could feel better, even though your circumstances are terrible and you feel disillusioned.”
Again, trying to convince or force Jason to take action will likely go nowhere useful.
Now let’s focus on you. Living with a depressed spouse can be a miserable, soul-crushing experience. As you described, you’re watching the person you love suffer, and you’re pretty much losing your partner in so many of the things that make life enjoyable.
Part of getting through this is to acknowledge that there is a limit to what you can do for Jason. And part of it is to strengthen your commitment to self-care. Taking care of yourself may keep you from going too far into misery or resentment. He doesn’t want to get together with a friend? Consider going anyway, and do your best to have at least a good time. Same thing with a dog walk, a good meal, or sitting down to watch a movie you’d like to see. You might also consider meeting with a therapist for ongoing support and strategizing.
While this period of your life is gruelingly difficult, try to remember that it likely will come to an end, that there will likely be good times ahead for you and for Jason, and that in the meantime, doing your best to find ways to take care of yourself while also being a supportive and loving spouse will help you to survive.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Real Estate
Tips for LGBTQ buyers, sellers during holidays
A powerful and overlooked window for real estate transactions
The holiday season is a magical time, filled with celebration, travel, connection, and reflection. It also happens to be a powerful — and often overlooked — window for both buying and selling real estate. For members of the LGBTQ+ community, shopping for a new home or preparing to list a property during the holidays comes with opportunities, challenges, and important considerations that deserve thoughtful attention.
Whether you’re preparing to make a move as a same-sex couple, searching for safe and affirming neighborhoods, or hoping to secure the best possible price for your home sale before the new year, the holidays can offer unique advantages. With an inclusive approach, LGBTQ+ friendly resources, and the right professional guidance, this season can be a strategic and rewarding time to take your next real estate step.
Below are actionable tips, insights, and resources specifically tailored to LGBTQ+ home buyers and sellers navigating the holiday season.
Why the Holidays Can Be the Right Time
Lower Competition & Motivated Sellers
Because so many people put their real estate plans on pause during November and December, LGBTQ+ home buyers may see lower competition, fewer bidding wars, and sellers who are eager to close before January. This can bring real advantages for first-time gay home buyers or same-sex couples seeking more favorable negotiating terms.
Buyers Are More Serious
If you’re selling your home as an LGBTQ+ individual, remember: holiday buyers tend to be more intentional, financially prepared, and timeline-driven. This can make the sale process smoother.
Holiday Appeal Helps Homes Show Better
Warm lighting, seasonal décor, and neighborhood festivities can enhance curb appeal and emotional impact — which can be especially valuable when selling your home.
Tip #1: Choose LGBTQ-Friendly Representation
Above all else: work with a professional who understands the LGBTQ+ community and the unique concerns LGBTQ+ clients have.
This means choosing:
- a gay realtor
- a lesbian realtor
- an LGBTQ+ friendly real estate agent
Agents who are part of, or deeply familiar with, the LGBTQ+ community can make a tremendous difference in safety, comfort, and confidence throughout the transaction.
For more than 30 years, GayRealEstate.com has been the trusted leader in LGBTQ+ real estate, providing LGBTQ+ home buyers and sellers access to:
- verified LGBTQ+ real estate agents
- same-sex couple home buying experts
- LGBTQ+ friendly realtors near you
- agents experienced in discrimination-related protections
- LGBTQ+ relocation specialists
Whether you’re buying or selling, this starts you on the right path.
Tip #2: Focus on LGBTQ-Friendly Neighborhoods
If you’re buying a home during the holidays, make researching neighborhoods a top priority.
Look for areas known for:
- Inclusion & diversity
- Active local LGBTQ+ groups
- Gay-friendly businesses
- Visible LGBTQ+ community presence
- Supportive schools & services
- Pride events & alliances
Searching online helps — but talking with an LGBTQ+ friendly realtor who knows these neighborhoods firsthand is invaluable.
Also search:
- LGBTQ+ crime statistics
- local anti-discrimination policies
- protections against housing discrimination
- hate crime data
- political climate
- HOA regulations
Your home should feel safe year-round, not just festive in December.
Tip #3: Know Your Legal Protections
Housing discrimination still exists — and LGBTQ+ home buyers and sellers must remain vigilant.
While federal protections exist through the Fair Housing Act (as interpreted to include sexual orientation and gender identity), not all states provide equal protection.
Know your rights around:
- Mortgage discrimination
- Rental screening discrimination
- Sellers refusing offers from LGBTQ+ buyers
- HOA discrimination
- Harassment after move-in
Your agent should be able to assist — but GayRealEstate.com also offers educational guidance and resources for navigating LGBTQ+ legal protections in real estate
Tip #4: Navigate the Emotional Side
For LGBTQ+ buyers and sellers, the holidays can stir up complex feelings:
- family dynamics
- financial pressure
- expectations around marriage or partnership
- relocation stress
- memories tied to a home
Be patient with yourself.
Buying or selling a home is life-changing — honor the emotional journey as much as the financial one.
Tip #5: Take Advantage of Holiday Cost Savings
Buying?
- Lower interest rates may appear around December
- Contractors often discount home inspections & repairs this time of year
- Movers run holiday promotions
Selling?
- Minor seasonal upgrades help tremendously:
- warm lighting
- new evergreen planters
- festive front door accents
- Be careful not to over-decorate — buyers need to see the space clearly
And yes — holiday cookies help.
Tip #6: If You’re Relocating — Plan Ahead
Many LGBTQ+ buyers relocate during the holidays to:
- be closer to family
- move in with a partner
- begin a new job in the new year
If you’re relocating as an LGBTQ+ couple or family:
- research local LGBTQ+ resources
- connect with local LGBTQ+ organizations
- ask your gay real estate agent about local LGBTQ+ clubs, groups, and services
- evaluate long-term safety for LGBTQ+ families
Plan early — December moves get booked fast.
Tip #7: Use Trusted LGBTQ Real Estate Resources
The most important resource of all:
GayRealEstate.com — the #1 dedicated LGBTQ+ real estate resource for over 30 years.
On GayRealEstate.com, you can find:
- LGBTQ+ friendly real estate agents nationwide
- Verified gay and lesbian Realtors
- LGBTQ+ real estate market information
- Same-sex couple home buying guidance
- LGBTQ+ real estate services
- Gay and lesbian friendly neighborhoods
- Relocation tools
- LGBTQ+ home buyer & seller education
No other site offers this level of specialization, expertise, or community connection.
The holidays are more than just a season of celebration — they’re also a meaningful opportunity for LGBTQ+ home ownership, real estate transitions, and new beginnings. Whether you’re a first-time gay home buyer, a same-sex couple selling a home, or an LGBTQ+ family preparing to relocate, you deserve an experience grounded in respect, inclusion, and safety.
With the right preparation — and the right LGBTQ+ friendly real estate agent — your journey can be rewarding, affirming, and filled with new possibilities for the year ahead.
To find an LGBTQ+ real estate agent who understands your needs, visit GayRealEstate.com, the trusted leader in LGBTQ+ real estate services, resources, and representation for over three decades.
Scott Helms is president and owner of Gayrealestate.com.
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