Living
Gay wedding etiquette 101
Same-sex nuptials bring questions from all sides
Steven Petrow says gay and lesbian couples tend to be surprisingly heteronormative in their wedding choices, perhaps, he guesses, because they were shut out for so long. (Photo courtesy the Hilton)
In the “Key & Peele” comedy sketch “Gay Wedding Advice,” a family gathers to learn the proper etiquette behind attending a gay wedding for their cousin. The family’s pressing questions include, “When do we sing ‘Over the Rainbow?,’” “Where do you get the Euros to buy gay gifts?” and whether to throw skittles instead of rice.
The skit is based on etiquette guru Steven Petrow’s gay wedding advice and he says although the content is for laughs, it’s not far off from the questions straight people ask him about same-sex ceremonies.
“There’s often this free-flowing anxiety, even amongst those who are supportive of same-sex marriage. Things that I’ve heard are people wondering whether if it will be like a gay Pride parade or festival, wild and crazy,” Petrow says. “I tell them, ‘No, I’ve actually never seen a ceremony like that.’ Although once and awhile I do hear about performers in drag as part of the reception. But like any other marriage, it’s a sacred ceremony.”
Petrow, known as “Mr. Manners,” is no stranger to laying down the etiquette law. He’s the author of “The Essential Book of Gay Manners & Etiquette,” “The New Gay Wedding: A Practical Primer for Brides and Grooms, Their Families and Guests” and “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life,” among others. He also writes “Civilities,” a Washington Post column about LGBT and straight etiquette and is the Hilton’s Modern Manners Expert.
His etiquette career came about when a mutual friend set him up on a blind date with the late writer and former HarperCollins editor David Rakoff. The pair had both battled cancer and had an interest in collecting old etiquette books and vintage cooking books respectively. The first date went “terrible,” Petrow says but Rakoff ended up sending Petrow a book contract for his first book.
Now Petrow, who married his husband Jim Bean in 2013, gives gay etiquette advice in his books and column. He’s often asked if there is really a difference in etiquette for same-sex couples and straight couples.
“The rules are the same. But we had been basically shut out of every mainstream wedding planning book and etiquette book for decades until my book came around,” Petrow says. “Couples often had been together for many years if not decades. When marriage became legal in their state they kind of jumped at the chance and got married.”
Because it started happening relatively quickly, there were no rituals or tradition established, he says.
“Now there’s a whole new generation approaching their weddings. They’re much more along the traditional. They’re heteronormative. They’re following the example of getting engaged, having long engagement periods, bachelor and bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners and showers and all of that.”
Same-sex marriage legalization has even shifted the proposal process. Even with decades of feminism and more gender equality, with opposite-sex couples, men still do most of the proposing, Petrow says. There’s no such precedent for same-sex couples.
“For earlier couples, those who got engaged before last year, I think it was kind of a mutual decision. ‘We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re doing the dishes and now same-sex marriage is legal so while doing the dishes, ‘Well honey, do you want to get married?’ ‘Sure, let’s do it.’ It wasn’t really romantic necessarily. These days there is much more traditional asking.”
The etiquette guru says although a ring is often involved, it isn’t always the case. Gay men frequently like to exchange watches for what Petrow calls “the timeless element a watch represents.” Those who do exchange rings opt to take the rings off before the ceremony or switch the ring from the right hand to the left hand to signify the marriage.
Gender-neutral wedding registries are something same-sex couples now can take advantage of much easier than before. Petrow says in the past a same-sex couple would have to choose who to be the bride and groom for certain items. Now, many vendors have listed items with gender-neutral language such as “Spouse One” and “Spouse Two.” Places like Macy’s and Target offer LGBT wedding registry for couples. The Hilton also recently launched a new LGBT wedding registry to recognize same-sex couples.
When it comes to the actual wedding, Petrow has some advice for guests eager to capture the moment.
“I think all too many guests are bringing their cell phones and tablets to ceremonies and disrupting things, taking pictures, tweeting or being on Instagram before the brides and the grooms have posted anything of their own. I’ve seen people step into the aisle and block a bride that way. My advice to those folks is to ask before you take pictures. Remember you are not the center of attention at the ceremony, that’s the brides and the grooms,” Petrow says.
However, technology can put a fun spin on a ceremony. Petrow says putting a GoPro in the wedding bouquet to see the ceremony from a new angle can be intriguing. Drone photography is also a popular choice to catch an aerial shot of the reception, but Petrow urges couples to disclose using it to guests for the sake of guests’ privacy.
During the reception, the cake can be the most exciting part for foodies and lovers of cake decorations. Petrow says he still sees the traditional two grooms or two brides on top of a cake, but he has noticed the couple’s initials on top of the cake just as often. For a futuristic spin, 3D technology can be used to place photos of the couple on top of the cake.
Once married, the terms used to refer to spouses is varied and Petrow urges anyone unsure to simply ask the couple how they refer to one another.
“The default shifted very quickly last summer from partners to husbands and husbands and wives and wives. Those are the terms that have been prominently associated with married couples for generations and centuries. I have seen that there is great pleasure and a statement made when using language like that.”
He says when in doubt, it’s safe to default to “husbands” and “wives” as the case may be.
“For heterosexuals who don’t know its always fine to ask how they like to refer to each other. Not that anyone has to use that. Some couples still do prefer partner. Some older generational folks are much more used to that kind of language and are not comfortable saying husband or wife,” Petrow says.
While there are some nuances, Petrow thinks the most important part of planning a wedding is staying true to yourself.
“This is a time when weddings are all about me/me or the plural you. They’re customized and same-sex couples seem to have really led the way in making sure their ceremonies reflect who they are. Do something that reflects you and your values.”
Did you melt like the Wicked Witch of the West this week?
As summer temperatures rise, keeping your home or apartment cool during a heat wave can become both a comfort issue and a financial challenge. One of the most effective ways to keep a home cool is to prevent heat from entering in the first place. Sunlight streaming through windows can significantly raise indoor temperatures. Consider the following solutions:
• Close blinds or curtains during the hottest parts of the day. Blackout curtains or thermal drapes can reduce heat gain by up to 30%.
• Install reflective window films to block UV rays and reduce solar heat without sacrificing natural light.
• Use outdoor shading solutions such as awnings (yes, the ones you removed because they were “dated”) and shutters to limit direct sunlight.
Fans are a cost-effective way to circulate air and create a wind-chill effect that makes rooms feel cooler.
• Ceiling fans should rotate counterclockwise in the summer to push cool air down.
• Box fans or oscillating fans can be placed near windows to pull in cooler evening air or push hot air out.
• Create a cross-breeze by opening windows on opposite sides of your home and positioning fans to direct airflow through the space.
• For an extra cooling effect, place a bowl of ice or a frozen water bottle in front of a fan to circulate chilled air.
To optimize natural ventilation, open windows early in the morning or late in the evening when outdoor temperatures drop. This allows cooler air to flow in and helps ventilate heat that built up during the day.
Appliances and electronics generate a surprising amount of heat. To reduce indoor temperatures:
• Avoid using the oven or stove during the day; opt for no-cook meals, microwave cooking, or grilling outside.
• Run heat-producing appliances like dishwashers and clothes dryers in the early morning or late evening.
• Unplug electronics when not in use, as even standby power can add heat to your space.
• Switching to energy-efficient LED lightbulbs can also reduce ambient heat compared to incandescent lighting.
If you do use an air conditioner, maximize its effectiveness by:
• Setting it to a reasonable temperature—around 76–78°F when you’re home and higher when you’re away.
• Cleaning or replacing filters regularly to maintain airflow and efficiency.
• Sealing gaps around doors and windows to prevent cool air from escaping. (Didn’t we all have a parent who said, “Close the door. You’re letting all the cool out?”)
• Using a programmable thermostat to optimize cooling schedules and reduce energy use.
If it is not cost-prohibitive, adding insulation in attics and walls can greatly reduce heat transfer. Solar panels that reflect heat can also help, as well as offset the cost of their installation. Adding weatherstripping around doors and windows, sealing cracks, and using door sweeps can make a significant difference in keeping heat out and cool air in.
Natural and eco-conscious methods can also help cool your home.
• Snake plants, ferns, or rubber trees can improve air quality and slightly cool the air through transpiration.
• White or reflective roof paint can reduce roof temperatures significantly.
• Cooling mats or bedding can make sleeping more comfortable without cranking up the A/C.
For renters or those who can’t make permanent modifications, there are still plenty of ways to keep cool.
• Use portable fans and A/C units instead of built-in systems, making sure they are the correct size for your space.
• Removable window film or static cling tinting can reflect heat without violating your lease.
• Install tension rod curtains or temporary blackout panels instead of hardware-mounted window coverings.
• Add draft blockers and weatherstripping tape that can be applied and removed without damage.
• Cover floors with light-colored rugs to reflect heat rather than absorb it.
• If allowed, use temporary adhesive hooks to hang reflective materials or light-filtering fabrics over windows.
Even if your space is warm, you can still take steps to help your body stay cool.
• Wear light, breathable fabrics like cotton or linen.
• Stay hydrated and avoid caffeine or alcohol during peak heat hours.
• Take cool showers or use damp cloths on your neck and wrists to bring your body temperature down.
Keeping your home or apartment cool in the summer doesn’t have to be expensive or energy-intensive. With a few adjustments such as blocking sunlight, optimizing airflow, using fans effectively, and making renter-friendly upgrades, you can create a more comfortable indoor environment while keeping energy bills in check.
Valerie M. Blake is a licensed Associate Broker in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia with RLAH @properties. Call or text her at 202-246-8602, email her at DCHomeQuest.com, or follow her on Facebook at TheRealst8ofAffairs.
Real Estate
The world’s on fire and D.C. is on sale (sort of)
Prices are up, but then again, nothing makes sense anymore
ICE is disappearing people, revered government agencies are shuttering, and who knows if we’ll be in World War III next week? But can you believe prices in D.C. are actually still up 6.3% since last year? It doesn’t make sense, and perhaps that does make sense, because nothing seems to make any sense any more.
That said, there are some parts of our market that are truly suffering. The interest rates, which have been up, up, up for about four years now, are the ongoing rain on our market’s military parade. Combine that with 75,000 federal employees taking a buyout nationwide, and DOGE cuts eliminating around 40,000 federal jobs in the District (per estimates by the D.C. CFO), not to mention thousands of other job losses in non-governmental organizations due to funding and program cuts, and you’ve got a case of uncertainty, and downright unaffordability in the pool of otherwise would-be buyers.
This has had a marked impact on properties that starter-home buyers and low- to mid-level employees would otherwise buy, most notably condominium and cooperative apartment units. These properties have already slowed in our market thanks to the profound impact that higher interest rates have had on their monthly carrying costs—pair that with job insecurity, and a lot of condos are proving to be very difficult to sell indeed.
So how is the average sale price up in our market?
The increase is almost entirely due to the resounding strength of the single-family home market, especially in upper Northwest D.C., where it is still quite common to see bidding wars, even on properties pushing past the $3M mark. It seems that buyers in that echelon are less impacted by a few percentage points in the interest rate, and less concerned about their job security. Notably, those buyers are often married with children and have an absolute need for more space, must stay in the area due to one spouse’s job, or the kid’s friend group, regardless of whether the cost of owning is thousands of dollars more per month than it would have been in 2020 or 2021. The continued appreciation in these neighborhoods defies imagination.
So, what to do if you are not one of those lucky enough to be shopping for a $3M home? The short answer: wait. If you want more space, rent your current place out and learn the joys of being a landlord while someone else pays your mortgage. Need the equity from your current home to buy your next place? Get a home equity line of credit, or loan, and pull the equity out of your current place to buy the next one. Or—and I have never recommended this before in 21 years of being a Realtor—rent for a few years. Sure, I’d love to list and sell your condo so you can climb the real estate ladder, but it might just be a waste of time, money or both if you could just ride out this storm and sell in a DOGE-less future.
All this said, there are some condos that seem to be immune from this recent negative news. Anecdotally, it feels like it’s the truly special ones that do just fine no matter the market. Our recent listing in Capitol Hill had a view from every one of its 15 windows of the Supreme Court. Sold in five days with six offers. Another condo was on the top two floors of a townhouse and had the coolest black wood floors that gleamed like a grand piano. Sold in four days at full price.
So, all is not for naught if you have a condo or home in an area that people want to be in, with nice space, light, amenities and a certain je ne sais quois. And, as long as we have a democracy in a few years, my experience says our market will be back, stronger than ever, really soon.
David Bediz is a Realtor and mortgage loan broker for the Bediz Group LLC and Home Starts Here, LLC. Reach him at [email protected].
In this corner, there’s the Genesis QV70, newly updated and full of glitzy gizmos. And in the opposing corner, there’s the Lexus NX, a fan fave known for comfort and reliability.
Both are strong contenders. Both have proven to be equally adept at bobbing and weaving through traffic. And both can go toe to toe with pricier competitors.
And yet, what would happen when they sparred against each other? Here’s your ringside seat to find out.
GENESIS QV70
$50,000
MPG: 22 city/28 highway
0 to 60 mph: 5.9 seconds
Cargo space: 28.9 cu. ft.
PROS: Stylish. Good value. Lots of standard amenities.
CONS: So-so fuel economy. Quirky dash controls.
IN A NUTSHELL: When it comes to speed, the Genesis QV70 is faster on its feet than the Lexus NX. Neither of these crossover SUVs is a lightweight, but the QV70 offers more potent powerplants—including an all-electric version that zips from 0 to 60 mph in just 3.8 seconds. In other words, Porsche Macan S territory.
The two gas-powered options—a four-cylinder turbo and twin-turbo V6—also got my blood pumping. So did the velvetlike suspension mixed with deft handling and stop-on-a-dime braking. But this adrenaline rush comes at a cost: sacrificing fuel economy.
As for the automaker’s design philosophy—“athletic elegance”—it’s on full display here: an oversized grille inspired by the Genesis emblem, the dramatically arcing silhouette, and those distinct quad headlights and taillights. It’s not easy to stand out when 25% of all vehicles sold in the U.S. are compact crossovers, so kudos to the QV70 for being such a head-turner.
The mod-yet-minimalist styling carries over to the cabin, with its high-quality materials: real-wood accents, soft-touch plastics and a tasteful glass shift knob. New this year is a sweeping 27-inch dashboard monitor, which houses the gauge cluster and infotainment touchscreen. Alas, this display is positioned a bit far from the driver (though I must admit reaching for it did help stretch a few tight back muscles).
Instead of being a costly extra, this gigantic monitor comes standard. So do synthetic leathers seats, nine-speaker stereo, smartphone/wireless connectivity, hands-free liftgate, tons of safety gear and more. Options include a panoramic sunroof, three-zone climate control, 16-speaker Bang & Olufsen audio, synthetic suede headliner, sound-reducing rear windows, automated parking and other goodies.
What’s the score so far? Despite some minor quibbles, the Genesis QV70 is a worthy challenger that pulls no punches.
LEXUS NX
$43,000
MPG: 26 city/33 highway
0 to 60 mph: 8.2 seconds
Cargo space: 22.7 cu. ft.
PROS: Fuel efficient. Comfy seats. Rock-solid reliability.
CONS: Pokey base model. Limited rear storage.
IN A NUTSHELL: Sure, the Lexus NX isn’t as speedy as the Genesis QV70. But, as with the tortoise and the hare, sometimes slow and steady wins the race. And really, it’s only the entry-level NX that feels sluggish, such as when trying to quickly merge into freeway traffic.
Other trim levels, including two hybrid options, are just fine. And no matter the engine choice, the counterpunch here is that these vehicles get better gas mileage: 20% higher fuel economy than in either the four-cylinder or V6 in the Genesis. The two NX hybrids are even more green, with the high-end plug-in version able to travel up to 37 miles on electric power alone. One downside: There is no all-electric NX—well, at least not yet.
As with parent-company Toyota, Lexus offers stellar vehicle reliability—often ranked No. 1 in dependability and crash-test surveys year after year. Lexus vehicles generally hold their value better than Genesis, because this newer brand has a shorter history. Lexus also has a larger dealer network, though the number of Genesis dealerships is growing.
But when it comes to cargo space, the NX is about two inches shorter and narrower than the QV70, which has more stowage area. And Genesis handling is sportier, though the Lexus feels sure and well-grounded.
Luxe interior amenities are basically the same in both vehicles. But interior styling in the QV70 is trendy, while the NX is more understated. In other words, a choice between sassy and classy.
This is a very competitive vehicle segment, with Euro models like the Audi Q5, BMW X3 and Mercedes GLC also duking it out in what seems like a clash of the titans.
But as for the Genesis QX70 or Lexus NX, which is the winner? For me, both are real knockouts—so I’d call it a draw.
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