Advice
How much fighting is OK in a relationship?
I love my boyfriend but we can’t agree on anything

Dear Michael,
How much arguing is OK in a relationship?
Sometimes I think I’d like to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend Adam but other times he drives me absolutely crazy.
We get into these fights where he just refuses to see it my way. He insists he’s right and digs in until I agree he has a point. He can never just agree with me or let it go.
The thing is, he doesn’t always have a point and if I won’t concede that he does, he says I don’t respect his intelligence.
Our fights range from Madonna’s talent (or lack thereof) to what is or isn’t OK to eat for breakfast, to whose job it is to take out the garbage, to what the best abs exercises are, to where we should go on vacation this summer, to whether recycling plastics accomplishes anything, to whether we should have sex in the morning or at night. I’m sick of it!
On the other hand, Adam is smart, funny, and super-hot.
Is it normal for couples to fight so much? I don’t know why it’s so hard for him to see it my way sometimes.
Michael replies:
Sounds to me like you guys are in an ongoing power-control struggle where one of you is continuously trying to influence the other (power move), and the other one is continuously refusing to be influenced (control move).
There’s nothing “wrong” with making power and control moves. We all do them, all the time. They’re part of every relationship: Writing this reply, I’m making a power move, in that I’m wanting to influence the way you think about your relationship. If you disagree with me, you’re making a control move by not accepting my influence. No problem at all: You don’t have to let me (or anyone) influence you.
The problems arise when these moves become the ongoing operating system of your relationship. One of you keeps telling the other person how to behave or think, or what is “correct”; and the other won’t agree, no matter what the issue. You each dig in. Warmth and collaboration go out the window. You can’t have a loving relationship when you’re mired in a power-control struggle.
The problem is not that you two see things differently. That’s an unavoidable part of life. In any relationship, partners will at times have very different opinions, even about very important matters. The problem is that you’re choosing to argue about it, to try to prove that you are right and the other person is wrong. He won’t see it your way and you won’t see it his way.
Notice that I’m putting you in the same boat as Adam. That’s because you’re joining him in this dynamic.
One thing you two can do to get out of this dynamic is to stop arguing about things that are a matter of opinion. It’s not possible to prove you’re right. Doing so just gets you dug in against each other.
In general, it’s a waste of time to argue about why you are right and your partner is wrong. If you win the argument, your partner loses. And if one of you is the loser, you both lose because you wind up with a bitter relationship.
Instead, you could have fun enjoying the reality that each of you has very different opinions, even about very important things, and each of you has the job of figuring out how to live and generally be happy with someone who is different in some big ways from you.
If you each start letting yourself be influenced by your partner, even if you don’t always agree on what’s “best” or “right,” you’re going to open yourself up to all sorts of experiences, possibilities, and ways of looking at things that you hadn’t considered. That’s one of the great ways that relationships push us to grow.
If you think I have a point, I’m glad. You may decide you’d like to make some changes in your relationship. Remember, though, that Adam is his own person. Perhaps you’ll be able to influence him to consider a new way of approaching your differences, perhaps not.
That said, you have a lot of power over yourself. And if you decide you don’t want to keep getting stuck in power-control struggles, you can change this dynamic on your own simply by not participating. Not in a game-playing, “I’m right and you’re wrong” way, but by taking the position, over and over, that you two are different and sometimes see things differently, and you aren’t going to fight about who is right and who is wrong, because that isn’t going to get you anywhere good.
(Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].)

Hi Michael,
I’m in a relationship I think I don’t want to be in.
Ed is very sweet and that’s part of the problem. He is always solicitous of me, caring, kind, agreeable. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, which I certainly would do if I dump him.
We’ve gotten into what is now a serious relationship because of him, not me. He kept asking me out on one date after another, and I kept saying yes. He proposed being exclusive, and I said yes.
I was lonely, Ed’s cute and a nice guy, and it felt good to be cared about.
Ed is great at planning a fun life. Dinners, vacations, socializing. My life is way more exciting than it used to be. Ed takes the initiative on everything and he’s very good at it.
But I feel smothered, like I don’t have a say in how I live and what I do. We spend all our time together. And my friends are now “our” friends because he always joins me when I get together with them.
I can’t talk about this with him because I don’t think he can handle it. If he sees the least sign of me being upset, he says, “What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” with this vulnerable tone in his voice. He’s told me he’s afraid of losing me when I’ve shown any unhappiness.
I’m no longer attracted to him. I don’t know why, he’s as cute as ever.
Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. I have a good-looking, caring boyfriend. So many guys want this. I should be happy. But I’m not.
On the other hand, I’m afraid that if I break up with Ed I will be lonely all over again and maybe never find such a caring person.
Any guidance you have would be appreciated in how to think about this and sort it out.
Michael replies:
This relationship is giving you all sorts of opportunities to become a more solid person.
First point to consider: If you can’t set boundaries, you will spend your life twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate others. That’s what is happening now with Ed.
When we are struggling to succeed at an important life skill, as you are here, it’s helpful to think how our personal history may be contributing to our being stuck.
Some possibilities for you to consider: What example did your parents model? Perhaps they had trouble setting boundaries in their relationships, so you didn’t learn how to do so. Or perhaps when you were growing up, you didn’t have much say about what you could or couldn’t do, so you didn’t learn you could speak up about what is important to you.
I’m painting with a broad brush here, just to inspire your own thinking. While our lives aren’t rigidly determined by our pasts, the ways that we learned to relate as we grew up do have a powerful influence on how we live in the present. Having some sense of what has shaped our operating system can help us loosen up and try new ways of behaving.
Second (and related) point: You cannot go through life without ever disappointing anyone or you will (as noted above) start to resemble a pretzel. Yes, you’ll likely upset Ed when you tell him that you’re unhappy in the relationship. But if Ed is going to address his clingy and needy behavior, he needs to hear this.
At their best, relationships challenge us to grow. This relationship is pushing you to tolerate disappointing someone you care about, in the service of saying what you need to say. And guess what? Your letting Ed know where you stand will challenge him to work on his own relational wobbliness. Very cool.
Third point: Why are you not stepping forward with your own ideas about what you want to do and how you want to live? You are letting Ed do all the work. What is up with that?
One obvious explanation: Your difficulty setting a boundary is stopping you from asserting what you want. In other words, your inability to say “no” is leading you to feel stifled in this relationship. Good news: you have the power to change this.
Another possibility: Maybe you don’t actually have much in the way of interests or ideas for what you would like to do, and Ed is merely filling the void so that the two of you have some kind of life together.
If so, I encourage you to start thinking about what is meaningful to you. Developing a self—figuring out what is important to you, what you care about—is one of the great tasks and great joys of being alive. If you just keep doing what others around you want—boyfriends, friends, family—you may keep feeling resentful and will squander your life.
I don’t know if you would actually enjoy being with Ed if you do the work to become a solid person who speaks up about what is important and brings his own agenda to the relationship. While it’s your decision to do so or not, I urge you not to decide based on fear of stepping outside your comfort zone.
And please consider that this work would help you in any future relationship, if you end things with Ed.
One more point: It’s no surprise that you’ve lost interest in having sex with Ed. Being enmeshed with someone as tightly as you describe your fusion with Ed is a desire-killer. Perhaps this would change if you give yourself some room to breathe.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
Navigating these uncertain times
You have no power over others, but you have a lot of power over yourself

For Valentine’s Day, I was planning to write a column about shifts we can make in our attitudes and behaviors to strengthen our love relationships and deepen our connection with our partners.
Then, over the past few weeks, as I’ve been listening to many of my clients express their concerns about the state of our country and our world, I realized that much of what is required to have a great relationship can also help us get through the difficult times we live in.
So here are some principles that I hope will help you to navigate both the challenges of being in a close relationship and the challenges of uncertain times.
These principles overlap because they are all components of an approach to living that focuses on developing and maintaining agency over your life, and working to strengthen your resilience. The more solid you are, the better you can get through the hard stuff.
Strive to behave with integrity, in a way that you respect. You are likely to feel a lot better about yourself if you do what you believe is right, rather than betraying your values out of fear or to please others. The playwright Lillian Hellman, pressed to appear before the House Committee on Un-American Activities in 1952 and “name names,” said it well: “I cannot and will not cut my conscience to suit this year’s fashions.” (Of course, only you can decide how to balance possible consequences with the importance of honoring your principles.)
Stand up for what you believe in. Being quiet out of fear or concern for what others will think leaves us feeling like helpless victims. And you cannot have an intimate relationship when you don’t let your partner know important parts of who you are.
Strive to be non-reactive. Do your best to not let others (or circumstances) press your buttons so that you lash out, rather than responding thoughtfully and with deliberation, based on your values.
Strive to always soothe your anxiety. The philosopher Viktor Frankl wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” When someone or something is starting to make us crazy, the best first move we can make is to quiet ourselves. Doing so allows us to think how to best respond.
There’s a great saying from Twelve Step programs: “If you want to have self-esteem, behave in esteemable ways.” You are more likely to do so when you first calm yourself, rather than exploding with anxiety or rage.
Strive to tolerate discomfort: Sometimes we can’t do much about what is making us uncomfortable or causing us distress. Our partner may not change in ways we would like; our job situation may be rough; we may face hostility in the outside world. Identifying how we can deal with challenges and difficult circumstances in a way that helps us become stronger and more resilient can often help us to weather them a bit more easily.
Strive to tolerate uncertainty: There really are no guarantees about anything important in life. That’s the way it goes. We can’t know how things will turn out —neither our relationships nor our lives nor the fate of humanity. So if we are to construct a meaningful life, we have no choice other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing our best to respond thoughtfully and to have an impact when and where we can, without knowing the outcome.
Strive to stay anchored in reality, not lost in feelings. When we let our feelings run the show, it’s easy to get spun up and reactive. While our feelings are a source of information, they are not reality. All sorts of things—our pasts, the distortions of social media, what people around us are doing and saying—can contribute to how we feel about a situation.
Yes, it’s always a good idea to be aware of our feelings. But before acting on them, calm yourself, get some clarity about why you may be feeling what you’re feeling, and think about how reality lines up (or doesn’t line up) with what you’re feeling. In other words, aim to keep the big picture in mind.
Remember that you cannot change others, but you may at times be able to influence them. For example, when I first became vegetarian, I wanted to push my friends to adopt a vegetarian diet by “enlightening” them about the misery of factory farms and the environmental cost of raising animals for food. I soon realized that lectures and judgment are not a great way to change minds. Serving delicious vegetarian food for a dinner is more helpful. So think about how you can reach out to someone or to others with different views, in a way that they are more likely to hear you.
Obviously, there are limits to this approach. There may be times when you aren’t going to be heard, no matter how you say what you have to say. The point at which we shift from reaching out to someone to taking a “don’t tread on me” stance can be tricky to discern, and the decision to make that shift should be taken thoughtfully and with appreciation of possible consequences.
Keep your focus mainly on what you can do about a situation. Focus less on what the other person is doing wrong, or not doing. While you have little or no power over others, you have a lot of power over yourself. Thinking about what you can do to effect at least some of the change you would like, in your relationship or your community or our world, is an antidote to feeling powerless.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].)

Dear Michael:
I’m having a terrible communication problem with my girlfriend. She just isn’t hearing me on some issues that mean a lot.
Nicki doesn’t get why it’s important for me that we be out to her parents as a couple. I’ve explained my position over and over. I’m not willing to hide or pretend, and doing so makes things way more complicated down the road, if we stay together. Eventually we’d have to explain our lies. It’s crazy to imagine hiding our marriage, or hiding children. More than crazy!
How can you be believable about anything if you aren’t honest about who you are and the nature of your relationship?
Nicki’s whole response boils down to her being afraid that her parents will reject her (they’re deeply religious, conservative). Me trying to explain to her that you can’t let fear run your life just doesn’t penetrate her brain.
As a result I haven’t met her parents yet, and our relationship is a lot more tentative than I would like it to be at this point.
Besides this “biggie,” there is one other issue that she just doesn’t get, no matter how much I explain my position: She makes fun of me a lot — especially when we’re out with friends. About all sorts of things. How I dress (too stereotypically lesbian in her view); my interests (same criticism); my supposed inability to cook; my bad driving; my loving my dog too much. And more.
Nicki either says she’s not making fun of me, or says that she’s just kidding around and I am too serious. The more I ask her to stop, the more she tells me to “lighten up.” She just isn’t hearing me.
Aside from communication issues around these big topics, we have an otherwise great relationship that I would like to last. However, this stuff isn’t acceptable.
What more can I do to communicate more clearly in a way that she will hear me?
Michael replies:
It sounds like you’re both making your points loud and clear. You criticize Nicki, and Nicki criticizes you.
Communication means that you say what you want to say to your partner, and you listen when she wants to share something. It does not mean that you get your partner to agree with you or behave as you want her to.
Even if you think that Nicki’s not being out to her parents is crazy, she doesn’t have to come out to them.
Is Nicki open to the idea of eventually coming out to her parents? Mustering the courage to do so can be a slow process. If Nicki would like to work on this, and you are willing to wait, then stay in the relationship and work on being patient and accepting. But if this is a deal breaker issue now, Nicki is not for you.
While you can continue to try to change Nicki, this tactic doesn’t seem to be getting you anywhere, except annoyed. You have a lot of power over your own behavior, but little power over how your partner behaves. In other words, you get to be with the person you are with; not a hypothetical “improved” version that better suits you.
With regard to the teasing issue: I believe that if someone you care about tells you that you are hurting them, it’s a good idea to listen. I don’t get why Nicki wants to keep behaving toward you in ways that you find painful. Could it be that all of this is linked?
Perhaps Nicki is hurt or annoyed or angry that you won’t accept her not being out to her parents; and is getting back at you for your ongoing pestering by torturing you with criticisms and insults. Or, perhaps your hurt, annoyance, and anger over Nicki’s ongoing teasing is leading you to retaliate by continually criticizing her closeted status.
Think of your relationship as a system: When one part of a system changes, it impacts the entire system. If either one of you changes your behavior for the better, you will likely have a positive impact on your relationship. Do you want to make the first move, and see what happens?
You might also begin an ongoing discussion with Nicki about the benefits of being respectful toward each other, listening to each other, striving to understand each other’s points of view, and tolerating that you sometimes see both minor and important issues differently.
But only start that discussion if it makes sense to you that having a decent relationship depends on your continually striving to do these things.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
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