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Queery: Tim Woody

20 questions for the Brother Help Thyself supporter

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Tim Woody remembers his early years in Washington fondly. He’d been through the HIV-related death of his partner in 2000 and emerged from the tragedy as a gay social butterfly.

“Monday was JR.’s, Tuesday was drag bingo, Thursday was shirtless night at Green Lantern, Friday was bear happy hour at Ramrod, Saturday was the Eagle,” he says. “I was out all the time.”

Working in various retail management jobs by day and partying with the bear and leather communities many nights, Woody was never at a loss for activities. He was also active with Brother Help Thyself, a local gay HIV/AIDS charity. The socializing paid off. He met his current partner, HRC’s Jim Rinefierd, one night at Titan Ramrod.

“I said, ‘What would it take to get you to take your shirt off,'” Woody recalls. “He said, ‘Not much.’ I went home with him that night and basically haven’t gone home since. That was three-and-a-half years ago.”

The 37-year-old Oceanside, Calif., native, who was discharged from the Navy under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in 1993, has had a lot of change in his life. Just a year ago, he switched careers and started selling real estate for Coldwell Banker in Dupont Circle. For a rookie Realtor, it’s going surprisingly well he says. Woody and Rinefierd live together in D.C.’s Brookland neighborhood with their 7-year-old Border Collie, Seamus. Woody enjoys shopping, cooking and community efforts. For information on Brother Help Thyself’s annual fundraiser Night Out at Kings Dominion, slated for Sept. 11, visit brotherhelpthyself.org.

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
I’ve been out for almost 20 years. The hardest person to tell would have been my mom. Primarily because of those fears most of us face when deciding to come out. Will I be rejected and ousted or accepted and loved all the more. Fortunately it was the strong emphasis on the latter with all the love my mom could have given me. Being on “The Sally Jesse Raphael Show” helped too.

Who’s your gay hero?
People who took a stand to make things right or fought doing so that others would enjoy life’s offering more. People like the late Neil Alexander and the late Cheryl Spector.

What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
It all depends on what day of the week you’re going out. Our community has a lot to offer and there is definitely something for everyone.

Describe your dream gay wedding.
If money was not an issue, for me it wouldn’t be about the gifts but more about the moments, and the party of the century. Hosted and featured with the best of food, music and drinks. It would be friends and family coming out to celebrate that moment in my life. To celebrate not only what has become but what will be in the future, a bonding of lives.

What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
Helping those in what way I can who are less fortunate than I. I’ve been given a great number of blessings and sometimes others aren’t as lucky who deserve to be.

What historical outcome would you change?
In my own personal history, it would happen to be the loss of my father when I was only 5-and-a-half years old to a Tractor Trailer accident in Oregon. I’ve always wondered what my dad would have been like as I grew from a kid to my teens into the man I am today.

What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
Going to the “Wildest Dreams” Tina Turner concert with my late partner, Jon. Feeling alive with the energy, which radiated from the stage. Wow, what a woman.

On what do you insist?
Good hygiene, well addressed manners and people who give a shit about what is going on around them.

What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
Silly nonsense about a good laugh I had with the new Geico commercial about the little piggy who cried, “We we we all the way home.”

If your life were a book, what would the title be?
“The greatest thing I’ve learned was just to love and be loved in return.” (Yes, a “Moulin Rouge” quote).

If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
I would stay exactly who I am. I believe I have been made for God wants me to be, not what society wants of me.

What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
Be it heaven, nirvana or wherever you may end up, I do believe there is a place to where the spirit from our body takes flight. Being receptive to spirits and their presence (loved ones passed are always around me).

What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
We’ve made great strides for our community since knowing I was gay almost 25 plus years ago. Keep up with the momentum, persevere and endure. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

What would you walk across hot coals for?
Being brought up by a mother who has lived with polio all of her life, there is nothing more that moves me than the thought for her to know what it is like to walk without her brace, crutches or the aid of her wheelchair/scooter.

What gay stereotype annoys you most?
All gay men are just pedophiles in hiding or we’re out to recruit for our cause or hidden agenda. Where’s my toaster?

What’s your favorite gay movie?
A true toss up between “Sordid Lives” and “Girls will be Girls.” I love do me some Varla Jean. Who doesn’t?

What’s the most overrated social custom?
Boys should be raised as boys and girls as girls. Let kids express and find themselves as they will.

What trophy or prize do you most covet?
Holding the title as Mr. D.C. Bear for 2005 through 2007. As well as being awarded Brother Help Thyself’s Anthony J. Bachrach Award for 2010 in recognition for “Outstanding Volunteer Services to the Gay and Lesbian Community” here in D.C.

What do you wish you’d known at 18?
That my life was going to be touched by a lot of different people. Never be afraid to embrace them and always let them know what they mean to you before it’s too late.

Why Washington?
After my partner of four years passed in December 2000, I started getting involved more with the leather and bear community. Doing more fund raising, meeting new people and instead of constantly commuting, I was told by a good friend, a mentor of sorts, that there’s no better time to just jump into a new life. And so I jumped. I just didn’t know it was going to be one as great as this life has turned out to be.

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Real Estate

Don’t procrastinate buying your home

Some experts predict rates will fall in June

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Spring is in the air and it’s a great time to buy a new home.

As springtime fills the air, cherry blossoms are blooming, much of the year still lies ahead and many have started to think about how they are progressing with their 2024 goals. If the dream of buying a house was put on hold when the interest rates went from 3% to almost 8%, and life got in the way of an idea that had gotten onto your to-do list, maybe now is the time to dust it off. 

Mortgage lender Tina Del Casale from Sandy Spring Bank says, “There is still hope the Fed will be happy with inflation numbers by June to finally pull the trigger on lowering interest rates.”  

The rates might not be as low as they were in 2021, but historically, they are still not as high as they were 20 years ago. Some people’s parents remember getting interest rates that were 12%, 14% or even higher.   

One of the biggest questions I get at homebuyer seminars is about is the process. What is buying a house ACTUALLY like?  I usually tell them that it’s like anything else. One step at a time. One form at a time. One bank transfer at a time. One house showing at a time. One home inspection at a time. If you have the wherewithal to plan a vacation, you can buy a house. 

  • Finding a Realtor
  • Finding a lender to get pre-approved (how much is your budget and what is a comfortable monthly payment)
  • Are there any first-time buyer programs that could be used? Is there down payment assistance?
  • Looking at the houses.
  • Finding one you like, and putting an offer together:
    • An offer usually involves a sales contract, any special forms that the jurisdictions require (lead-based paint acknowledgements, what appliances and systems in the house are included/excluded, if the home is part of a homeowners association, or a condo association, etc.)
    • Any forms related to getting an inspection done.
    • Who is selling the house, who is buying the house, how much is it being sold for, where it is exactly, and who are the others involved in the transaction (title company, agents, etc.)?
  • Getting any inspections done.
  • Negotiating any changes in the sales price or terms, or credits for inspection items.
  • Getting the final approval for the loan and then going to settlement.

Many people get interested in buying a house, but the “unknown” of it all can be daunting. It could be that the best way to think about it, is that like most things in life, you can’t cross every bridge BEFORE you get there. You just take it one day at a time. Some things will be surprisingly easy. Some things will require the advice of experienced lenders, Realtors, home inspectors and title attorneys.  

But if the process doesn’t begin somewhere, somehow, the idea just stays in one’s head in the “to do list” file.  And then 3 years go by, 5 years go by, 7 years go by. And your friends that DID buy a house laugh themselves to the bank when they go to sell the house they bought 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or 7 years ago.

If you need any recommendations for a local lender or Realtor, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. Reach him at [email protected] or 703-587-0597.

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Advice

Giving up drinking is killing our relationship

What happens when one partner is sober and the other isn’t

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I’m a 38-year-old guy, was single for most of my 30s, which I didn’t like at all, and I finally met a great guy last Memorial Day Weekend. 

Until New Year’s I would have said that everything was going great. I was on Cloud Nine. Eric is kind, handsome, smart, and a great catch.

But in December he decided to do “Dry January.” It was kind of on a whim I think. We were out with some friends and one of them said he was not going to drink at all for the month of January. He thought alcohol was playing too big a role in his life so he wanted to see what life would be like without it. Another friend said he would do it too, and then Eric said he would.

I wish we hadn’t gone out that night and then this whole thing wouldn’t have happened.

So, as the month progressed, Eric started talking more and more about how much better he was feeling without alcohol in his body or his life.

I don’t think we drank that much pre-January. Yes, we’d have something to drink every time we went out, with friends or just together, but not to excess.

At some point, Eric started saying that he wasn’t really enjoying going out with our friends, as he wasn’t drinking and they were (except the two friends who were also doing the Dry January thing). This meant I’d either go out without him (which I didn’t like) or we’d stay home, or go out just the two of us. But then if I’m drinking and he’s not, it just feels awkward. He hasn’t said anything but I feel like he’s judging me whenever I have a drink.

I was hoping he’d relax about the whole thing at the end of the month but now he’s decided he doesn’t want to drink anymore at all.

To make matters worse, he says that the month made him think more about the big role alcohol plays in his life (his words) and he has started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

So where does this leave me? I do want to keep drinking. I’m just a social drinker and I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I think it adds a fair amount of fun to my life. Plus, all my friends drink (including the two who did Dry January) and it’s a big part of our socializing. If you don’t drink when everyone else is drinking, it’s really not fun and it feels weird.

At this point Eric doesn’t go out with the friend group we were going out with because he doesn’t have a good time as the only non-drinker. (I get it, that’s one of the reasons I drink when my friends are drinking.) So I go out sometimes without him, which as I mentioned doesn’t feel so good, and which I don’t think is great for our relationship; or I don’t go out with my friends, which I don’t like.

I love Eric and I could see us having a great life together but his not drinking has opened what feels like a chasm between us.

How do couples handle this situation, where one person wants to stop drinking and the other does not? The impact is seeming increasingly huge to me and I don’t see how to make it stop being a divisive problem.

Michael replies:

I don’t think that Eric’s sobriety needs to be a divisive problem, if you can tolerate that you don’t get to have your life with Eric be exactly as you would like. 

This is the same dilemma that everyone in a serious relationship must face. Our partners are always different from us in some important ways, even if it doesn’t seem that way at first. And we have to figure out how to live with these differences, contentedly for the most part.  Our partners face the same challenge. 

Of course, not every difference can be (or should be) resolvable. For example, if one person is determined to parent and the other person is determined to be child-free, it makes great sense to part ways — unless one person decides they’d rather stay with their partner than have it their way.  

You and Eric have to figure out if your differences around alcohol are a deal-breaker, or if you can find a way to build a solid relationship, even as you drink socially and he is sober.

Whether and how you do this are for the two of you to figure out.  That said, here are some ideas for your consideration: 

  • Can you accept Eric’s not joining you for some or even many of your social activities?
  • Can you and Eric talk about what might help him be more comfortable joining your friends now and then?
  • Can you ask Eric what it’s like for him when you are drinking, rather than assuming that he is judging you? (Important question for your consideration: What led you to make that assumption rather than asking him?)
  • If Eric is making friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, would you want to join him at times when he socializes with them? 

The main ingredients here are generosity, flexibility, collaboration, and curiosity.

Speaking of curiosity, rather than wishing that the two of you had missed that invitation to participate in Dry January, how about being curious about Eric’s decision to stop drinking? I suspect that your dismissiveness has a negative impact on his desire to be close to or confide in you. If you are curious about this important life change that Eric is undertaking, you will certainly learn a lot about your boyfriend, and likely deepen your connection.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Real Estate

Down payment strategies: Financing your home purchase 

Understanding the options key to unlocking the door to a dream home

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Looking for your dream home? First, you need to understand how to make the down payment.

Navigating the path to homeownership can be a complex journey, especially when it comes to accumulating the necessary down payment. For members of our LGBTQ community, understanding the available options for saving and financing this crucial aspect of home buying is key to unlocking the door to their dream home. Let’s explore effective methods and resources specifically designed to support LGBTQ individuals on their path to homeownership.

Traditional Savings Strategies

Saving for a down payment often begins with traditional methods such as setting aside a portion of your income into a dedicated savings account. High-yield savings accounts and automated savings plans, some offering up to 5% interest in today’s market, can expedite the process, providing a disciplined approach to accumulate funds over time. Additionally, exploring investment opportunities that match your risk tolerance can offer potential growth for your down payment savings.

Down Payment Assistance Programs

A variety of down payment assistance programs exist to help homebuyers with their initial costs. These programs often offer grants or low-interest loans to first-time homebuyers or those who haven’t owned a home in the past three years. 

It’s essential to speak with a GayRealEstate.com agent to determine what programs may be available, plus online research into local and state assistance programs, as many are designed to support individuals in specific communities, including the LGBTQ+ community.

For medical professionals, police, teachers, firefighters, and other community heroes, there are several special loan and assistance programs designed to help with home purchases, often offering benefits like down payment assistance, reduced closing costs, and more favorable loan terms.

The Hero Home Loan Program provides first responders, including police officers, firefighters, and paramedics, with benefits such as lower interest rates and reduced closing costs. This program aims to make homeownership more accessible by offering more flexible credit score requirements and down payment assistance .

For educators, firefighters, law enforcement officers, and medical professionals, the Everyday Hero Housing Assistance Fund (EHHAF) offers closing cost assistance through gift funds. This program is designed to support those who serve their communities by making homeownership more affordable, with no repayment required for the grant funds​​.

The HUD Good Neighbor Next Door Program offers up to 50% off the list price of homes for law enforcement officers, pre-Kindergarten through 12th-grade teachers, firefighters, and emergency medical technicians. This initiative aims to encourage community revitalization by assisting these professionals in homeownership within the communities they serve​​.

Homes for Heroes provides assistance specifically to first responders and offers significant savings through Hero Rewards when buying, selling, or refinancing a home. On average, participants save $3,000, with the program offering real estate and mortgage specialist connections tailored to the needs of first responders​​.

LGBTQ-Friendly Lending Options

Finding a lender that understands and supports the unique needs of our LGBTQ community can make a significant difference. Some lenders and organizations specialize in offering inclusive financial products and resources to assist LGBTQ+ homebuyers. These may include specialized mortgage products, financial planning services, and guidance through the home buying process.

The journey to homeownership is a milestone that requires careful planning and support. Remember, every step taken towards saving and financing your home purchase brings you closer to the dream of homeownership.

(GayRealEstate.com offers valuable resources and advice tailored to meet the unique needs of our LGBTQ+ community in their journey towards homeownership. For more comprehensive guidance and support in navigating the home buying process, visit GayRealEstate.com choose an agent and start a no-obligation conversation today.)

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at [email protected].

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