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An interview with Vincent Gray

Gray promises to fight hate crimes, AIDS

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D.C. City Council Chairman Vincent Gray said that as mayor, he would work aggressively to fight hate crimes in D.C. that target LGBT people. (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

Editor’s note: This is the second of a two-part series featuring exclusive interviews with the two leading Democratic candidates for mayor. An interview with Mayor Adrian Fenty was published last week and is available here.

D.C. City Council Chairman Vincent Gray said that, if elected mayor, he would take a more aggressive approach to fighting hate crimes targeting LGBT people and would make HIV/AIDS prevention efforts one of his highest priorities.

In an Aug. 20 interview with the Washington Blade, Gray also said he would take strong steps to address a wide range of issues of concern to local LGBT residents, including speaking out against efforts to overturn the city’s same-sex marriage law through a ballot initiative.

Gray, the main rival to Mayor Adrian Fenty in the Sept. 14 Democratic primary, challenged a position Fenty disclosed in a separate interview with the Blade — that he has deferred to Police Chief Cathy Lanier on her approach to decentralizing the department’s Gay & Lesbian Liaison Unit.

Some LGBT activists have expressed support for the decentralization plan, which includes the creation of affiliate GLLU officers stationed throughout the city. But they have objected to Lanier’s decision to reduce the number of full-time GLLU officers assigned to its headquarters and to end the practice of assigning a police sergeant to head the unit as his or her sole responsibility.

At a time when a disproportionate number of the hate crimes in the city are being committed against LGBT people, officials with Gays & Lesbians Opposing Violence and other activists have said the GLLU’s headquarters staff of full-time, highly trained officers should not be reduced.

“I don’t think it should be an either-or proposition,” Gray told the Blade, saying a decentralized GLLU with trained affiliate officers should compliment a fully staffed headquarters office.

“I think it’s been very effective in establishing relationships and addressing issues, especially looking at hate crimes and [the] underlying reasons for those hate crimes,” he said.

“And I think this is a policy position on how we propose to address the issues that affect a very important part of our community. So it’s not something that I would defer on,” he said. “It’s something I certainly would work with the chief on obviously because the chief is the person who has to implement it.

“But I think people expect people in the mayoral position, the Council chair position, to have positions on issues and then work to see that they’re implemented.”

Gray has declined to say whether he would replace Lanier or other high-level Fenty appointees, noting it would not be appropriate to make those decisions until after the election.

Fenty acknowledged in his interview with the Blade that he hadn’t been as visible as he should have been in the LGBT community, including attending LGBT events and speaking out more on issues such as hate crimes. Fenty vowed to be much more visible in the community if elected to another term.

But some of Fenty’s LGBT supporters, including former Lambda Rising Bookstore owner Deacon Maccubbin, have leveled the same criticism against Gray, saying that up until the time Gray decided to run for mayor, he also had not been visible or attended many events in the LGBT community.

“I’m sure they would say that because they’re his supporters,” Gray said. “I can’t remember the last time I missed participating in the Pride parade. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t involved in Black Pride activities. So it’s understandable that his supporters would make a statement like that, but they’re wrong.”

Following are excerpts of the Blade’s interview with Gray.

Washington Blade: You and Mayor Fenty have a record of support on LGBT issues and you voted for and the mayor signed the same-sex marriage equality bill. What, if anything, would you do differently from Mayor Fenty and the Fenty administration relating to LGBT issues?

Vincent Gray: Well, I certainly want to make sure that I continue my aggressive support that has been there as a Ward 7 Council member and as Council Chairman. Certainly, you can be absolutely sure that we won’t be extending proclamations or any kind of resolutions or proclamations that are anti-LGBT on issues that are important to the LGBT community. I spoke out on that when it occurred. Also, I’m supportive of stepped up efforts on hate crimes. I think it’s fairly clear now that a disproportionately large number of hate crimes in the city have been focused on members of the LGBT community. And I think a related matter is what we do with the Gay & Lesbian Liaison Unit. The mayor and his administration have moved to deploy those members out to other areas of the police force. And they’ve talked about doing more sensitivity training with the officers on our police force. I don’t think it should be an either-or proposition. I think the GLLU has demonstrated its effectiveness in, one, getting to know the issues affecting the GLBT community. I think it’s been very effective in establishing relationships and addressing issues, especially looking at hate crimes and [the] underlying reasons for those hate crimes.

So not only will I retain the Gay & Lesbian Liaison Unit, I want to hire a sergeant who will really be responsible for managing that unit or have one deployed there. In addition to that, I do support sensitivity training, but I don’t think it should be one or the other. I think it should be both. In fact, I think the Gay & Lesbian Liaison Unit really ought to be the place where we develop the expertise, retain the expertise and see that they spearhead the training of other officers in conjunction with the [Mayor’s] Office of GLBT Affairs.

Blade: When we asked the mayor about the GLLU earlier this week, he said he wants to defer to Chief Cathy Lanier on this because she’s the expert on policing strategy and politicians shouldn’t be intruding on these matters. He said the chief has done an excellent job on all police matters and if she wants to make these changes with the GLLU, he supports her decision to do so.

Gray: I think people expect leadership. And certainly you don’t want to get down and start micromanaging agencies. I would never do that and I’ve never done that in my life. But people come to these positions as the mayor as the leader of the city. And we are expected to and it’s appropriate that we have policy positions. And I think this is a policy position on how we propose to address the issues that affect a very important part of our community. So it’s not something that I would defer on. It’s something I certainly would work with the chief on, obviously, because the chief is the person who has to implement it. But I think people expect people in the mayoral position, the Council chair position to have positions on issues and then work to see that they’re implemented.

Blade: One of the things we asked the mayor about is that there have been complaints by some in the LGBT community that he hasn’t been visible enough in the community. He told us, as he’s been saying on the campaign trail, that he acknowledges he hasn’t been visible enough in the community and he promises he’ll be much more visible in his second term. But on the other hand, some of his supporters have told us that until you decided to run for mayor, they don’t recall having seen you at many LGBT meetings and events, either.

Gray: I’m sure they would say that because they’re his supporters. I have been a consistent supporter of the GLBT community. I’ve been a consistent supporter focusing on an issue, which we know affects the GLBT community, and that is HIV/AIDS. I can’t remember the last time I missed participating in the Pride parade. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t involved in Black Pride activities. I’ve been a consistent supporter. So it’s understandable that his supporters would make a statement like that, but they’re wrong.

Blade: On the marriage question, if opponents of same-sex marriage succeed through a court order to force a ballot measure allowing voters to decide whether to overturn the same-sex marriage law, what would you say to the voters on that? Would you campaign to keep the law on the books?

Gray: I’ve been very clear about my unequivocal support for marriage equality. I have stood strong, I have stood fast and I will continue to do that in the belief that the Council clearly had the authority as elective representatives of the people — that we have a very strong human rights law in the District of Columbia that makes it clear that we shouldn’t put anything out before the people that would actually take rights away from folks … and that’s been corroborated by the courts. So I would continue to be as strong as I have been in the past in supporting marriage equality.

Blade: Do you think it would be a very acrimonious campaign?

Gray: Oh, I think it could well be. This is an acrimonious issue. I think we’re fortunate that it hasn’t been more acrimonious than it probably could be. It’s clear that all along the way, every step of the way, that the support has been there for moving forward with this issue. But I don’t think that that will stop those who are opposed to it. Certainly, the victory in California where the proposition there was not supported by the courts — I think we’re in the forefront of change. And what’s going on here eventually will move across the country and I think there will come a day in this nation where people will raise questions about what was this all about.

Blade: On the issue of AIDS, what would you do differently to fight the AIDS epidemic in the city than the current administration?

Gray: Well, first of all, I’ve been a very strong — as the director of Human Services, I was the director that created the first agency on HIV/AIDS. I was also the director of Human Services when we created the first five-year strategic plan. So I have a track record that long pre-dates this administration in support of this issue. As the Council member of Ward 7, I was responsible for developing what initially was called the Ward 7 Initiative. Then it became East of the River Initiative and now it’s the Effi-Barry Initiative, which focuses on putting more resources into East of the River communities where the epidemic is growing — or pandemic — is growing the fastest. One of the ideas behind this was to build the capacity of organizations that are not traditionally known as HIV/AIDS agencies so that we increase the arsenal of organizations that are focusing on this. So frankly, [I] would build on the initiative that I have been a proponent, architect of, advocate for long pre-dating this administration.

We don’t have a permanent AIDS, HAHSTA [HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis, Sexually Transmitted Disease & Tuberculosis Administration] director at this stage. I’d get the best person we possibly can get into that job and make it clear that it is a priority of the Gray administration.

I’d work more with our traditional institutions. We need to do more in our schools to educate our kids. As we talk about health issues in the schools, we need to help kids understand what the virus is, how it’s transmitted and the reality that it’s beyond — way beyond at this stage — the old saw of men having sex with men. It’s well beyond that. It’s heterosexual transmission at this stage. We’ve got people coming out of correctional institutions who return to relationships and transmit the virus, IV drug use. I was a huge proponent of condom distribution as well as needle distribution. As director of the Department of Human Services, we were foreclosed for many years from funding a needle distribution program in the city with public dollars because of congressional interference in our efforts here in the city. We’ve now gotten past that. We need to have the most aggressive needle exchange, needle distribution program. It’s been proven to work in cities across America. I think we may have as much as 250 cities now that have needle exchange programs. We were one of the early ones. We had to do it through Prevention Works, which is a privately supported effort.

So much of what I would support, frankly, represents those things that I’ve been doing for years and have been in the forefront of and long pre-date this administration’s efforts. Some of what this administration is doing is building upon things that I started.

Blade: You mentioned that we don’t have a permanent director of the AIDS office at the moment. Dr. Shannon Hader, who was the director of that agency, resigned abruptly earlier this year. Some are speculating that she left over an irreconcilable disagreement with the director of the Department of Health, Dr. Pierre Vigilance, and the mayor sided with him. Council member David Catania has said her departure will adversely impact the AIDS office in the short term. Do you have any thoughts on this or any idea why she left?

Gray: I really don’t. I’ve heard the same things that you cited. I don’t have first-hand knowledge of that. I do know that Dr. Hader is an internationally respected professional who certainly has some demonstrable contributions to the fight against this condition and the development of our capacity to fight this condition. But, again, I don’t know first-hand the reason why she left.

Blade: With all the controversy over the mayor’s policies and actions with the public schools, would you consider putting in place more LGBT-related sensitivity and diversity awareness programs for students at the appropriate age? Some in the community feel that better diversity programs in the schools could reduce hate crimes since many hate crimes are committed by teenagers.

Gray: Well, absolutely. And we’ve seen this around racial diversity, where we know hate crimes many years ago were routinely perpetrated against people who were African American in this country. And frankly, by bringing people together, helping people to understand each other by creating racial tolerance and racial understanding, ethnic understanding, while we still have a long ways to go, I think we’ve improved those relationships. And a lot of it is because of opening the doors for people to be in the same places with one another and created equal opportunities. So I would certainly support any training, any efforts that would help our young people understand LGBT issues and people who are part of the community, the GLBT community.

Blade: In terms of the city’s budget, there have been cuts due to a decrease in revenue. The LGBT community is most concerned with the AIDS programs as well as the Office of Human Rights and the Commission on Human Rights, which enforce the city’s non-discrimination laws. Will the budget you helped pass in the City Council have any adverse impact on those agencies?

Gray: Well, I think if you look at my track record and my colleagues on the Council, we’ve done everything we could to preserve support for HAHSTA, for the Office of Human Rights, recognizing the importance. To the extent that this is good news, Dr. [Natwar] Gandhi in his last communiqué on revenue estimates said there was no projected increase but there was no projected reduction. We’ll have to see, first of all, what the revenue projections look like. But certainly the issues you cite are a high priority to me and it should be for everybody in the District of Columbia. The HIV/AIDS spread in the city has been of epidemic, pandemic levels. By withdrawing support from efforts to, one, educate people, two, to provide counseling and testing and treatment, we really wind up paying on the other end of this because there are people who increasingly get sick, more people getting sick and the public winds up paying because many of the people are part of publicly supported insurance. So as a financial matter, I don’t see where we gain. And clearly as a human matter, it doesn’t make any sense.

Blade: There were concerns expressed a few years ago when the City Council ended financial support of non-profit organizations through earmarks. And through that action three LGBT organizations lost out on funding. The LGBT community center was one; another organization that lost funds, Transgender Health Empowerment, provides services to the transgender community; and the third was the Wanda Alston House, which assists LGBT youth. Was that action absolutely necessary and might there be other ways that this funding could be restored?

Gray: It was necessary. We were facing horrific budget challenges at that point. This was just about a year ago when the Council re-did the budget for fiscal year ‘10. And interestingly enough, there had been about $21 million in earmarks in the budget. When the mayor sent the budget over, back to us, in the wake of a new, reduced revenue estimate from the chief financial officer, he cut 60 percent of all the earmarks out before it even got to us. So $21 million was cut down to $8.8 million by the time it got back to us.

The Council looked at this as that we’ve got to be able to find money to balance this budget. So, one, it was a budget issue and, secondly, just increasing concern about the non-competitive nature of these grants. And that it’s not a statement about the worthiness of the organizations or the purposes for which they existed. It’s more of a statement about the need to balance our budget. And then, as a related matter, trying to find a way to make sure that there’s a level playing field so that organizations that do similar work have similar opportunities.

As Council chair, I put in place a number of rules governing earmarks, even if we continued them. Those rules continue to exist. We haven’t rescinded those. But they continue to exist to make sure that an organization can’t get an earmark year after year. What we need to do, in my opinion, is to recognize that organizations need these funds and some of them do every year. We should create categorical programs in the relevant agencies where you say, for the sake of argument, we want to focus on arts or arts and humanities this particular year. And we’ll set aside $10 million for competitive grants. So they’re not earmarks, but they are focused on a specific issue area, and then organizations can compete to do that work in that particular area — what arts grant, or if it’s a GLBT issue, whatever the case may be. That way I think you continue the focus, where we want to have the focus. But then people feel like there’s an opportunity for every organization to compete for those dollars.

Blade: The new Washington Nationals baseball stadium displaced about a half dozen or more LGBT-related entertainment businesses. Many were adult-related businesses. Only one or two have been allowed to reopen, and most say they are facing zoning- and liquor law-related restrictions and regulations that make it hard for them to open or stay open. Would you consider as mayor pushing for regulatory changes that would not be so restrictive for nightlife entertainment venues like these?

Gray: Well, I think we have a Byzantine regulatory scheme when it comes to small businesses, no matter what small business they may be in. I’ve done a couple of things to try to help small businesses. One is to — about a year and a half ago I did legislation that raised the threshold on the exemption from a small business personal property tax. It was at the time $50,000 — first $50,000 exempted in tax. I raised it to $225,000, which certainly has benefited small businesses. I also spearheaded legislation that reduced the rate of personal property taxes on the first $3 million of an assessed building, which again was designed to help small businesses.

One of the things I want to do during the transition is to really focus on the regulatory scheme, which is really complex almost beyond comprehension for a lot of people in the city at this stage — to try to make clear what it is we’re to accomplish in terms of regulating small businesses, no matter what business they may be in. And I’d like to try to find a way to assist small businesses through tax credits or other approaches to the cost of doing small business. And frankly, one of the things we can do is look at this whole parking meter rate issue, which is really having a deleterious effect on small businesses. The Council stopped another increase that was proposed by the mayor during this past budget that would have had the parking meter rates go up to $3 an hour. That’s a quarter every five minutes. We stopped that one. We found the money somewhere else. But it’s still a quarter for every seven and a half minutes. And that is really having a negative impact on small businesses in this city.

So for my part, I support small businesses. They are the lifeblood of the District of Columbia, no matter what their business may be. And I want to work with the small business community to create a more business-friendly environment.

Blade: To go back to hate crimes, in the last few months, there have been at least five hate crimes targeting LGBT people, mostly in the Dupont Circle area. Last week, a gay man was murdered in his apartment by someone who may have targeted him for a robbery. Although the police say the crime rate is going down and hate crimes are decreasing, leaders of the group Gays & Lesbians Opposing Violence say it doesn’t seem like a decrease to them in light of these recent incidents. Do have any thoughts on what the city can do to address this?

Gray: First of all, I’m really focused on hate crimes. I did legislation there about a year and a half ago that tried to elevate the focus on hate crimes in the city. I worked with Council member [Phil] Mendelson to have the Council — his committee did a very thorough oversight hearing on hate crimes. So I’m going to work with the Council, first of all, to ensure that we continue to have that kind of oversight. And I’m going to work with our Metropolitan Police Department with the chief so that any crime that appears to be a hate crime is thoroughly investigated to establish, one, that we bring to justice the person who did it, or persons, but secondly, to try to establish the basis for it so we once and for all have accurate data on what’s driving these crimes.

But secondly, I think it goes back to the question you raised earlier. And that is being able to do more around sensitivity training so that people stop engaging in this kind of heinous activity against people because they may have a particular orientation.

Blade: As mayor, would you speak out on this?

Gray: Absolutely. As Council chair, I’ve done this already and will continue to do that.

Blade: On a personal level, do you know any LGBT people as friends or relatives that may have had an impact on you and your public policy positions through the years on LGBT issues?

Gray: Yeah, actually I do. It goes back over the years. And I think I’m probably a good example of sensitivity training.

I go all the way back to high school. I watched what one — a couple of my classmates endured during that era in terms of them not being able to be open about who they were and having every right to be who they were. And it certainly helped to shape my own views, my own attitudes about wanting to do as much as I can to help people understand that folks ought to have the opportunity in a democratic society to be who they are. And I’ve never deviated from that. And I’ve been pretty much in the same place for many years. I’ve had people work for me in various agencies I’ve been in who may be gay, may be lesbian. And I’ve been very clear about it, that this was an open door in working with me, working for me. As mayor, I’ll continue the same approach to life, and I’m proud of it.

Blade: What final message do you have for LGBT voters who may not have made up their mind on who to vote for mayor?

Gray: Well, I would invite them to look at my record, look at my track record that long pre-dates even my service as a Council member. Look at my record as a Council member. It’s one of the issues that has been a high-level priority for me focusing specifically, for example, on HIV/AIDS issues, which we know disproportionately for many years impacted the GLBT community, and working to make sure that we put dollars, that we organize an agency to focus on this, that we had a five-year strategic plan, that we had leadership that was really focused on this issue and that we went after federal resources in order to augment what we were investing here in the District of Columbia.

I’ve been a huge supporter of stamping out hate crimes in the city. And I’ve been at many events and many activities involving the GLBT community and I will continue to do that. So in me, people have a supporter. They have somebody that has a track record of being good on these issues. And I don’t intend to deviate from that.

I’m absolutely hugely uplifted to have gotten the endorsement of the Gertrude Stein Club. I’ve been very active in the Gertrude Stein Club. I was actually the guest speaker in January. I talked about what we had done on marriage equality, how we were going to work to preserve the work on marriage equality. I’ve been very active on GLBT issues. One of the most important things for me was that vote because it was a secret ballot and it was a way of people demonstrating whether they, in fact, believe in me and what I’ve stood for. And I think people were saying, yes, we believe you, we appreciate what you’ve done and we want to give you an opportunity to do more. It was inspirational and uplifting for me to get that support.

Thank you very much.

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District of Columbia

Weekend brings two shootings in U Street, Dupont Circle areas

Man dies after incident at Desperados

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Two shooting incidents marred the weekend.

A man was shot to death shortly after 1 a.m. on Saturday, April 27, inside the Desperados Burgers & Bar at 1342 U St., N.W., which is located on the same block a short distance away from the LGBTQ nightclub Bunker D.C. and around the corner less than a block away from the recently opened LGBTQ bar Crush on 14th Street, N.W.

The incident prompted Bunker to post on its Facebook page a message saying its security team quickly ushered patrons standing outside to enter the club and as a precautionary measure prevented patrons from leaving until it was deemed safe to do so.

A D.C. police statement identifies the shooting victim as Kenneth Goins, 43, of Salisbury, Md. The statement says officers on patrol in the 1300 block of U Street, N.W. heard gunshots at about 1:12 a.m. and immediately arrived at Desperados to investigate the incident.

“Officers located a man inside with multiple gunshot wounds,” the statement says. “Despite all life saving efforts, the victim was pronounced dead on the scene,” it says. Neither the statement nor a police incident report pertaining to the shooting provides a description of the person who committed the shooting nor discloses whether any of the customers inside the restaurant and bar witnessed the shooting.

The statement says the police Homicide Branch is investigating the shooting and urges anyone with knowledge of the incident to call police at 202-272-9099. Like all homicide cases, it says the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department offers a reward of up to $25,000 to anyone who provides information that leads to the arrest and conviction of the person or persons responsible for a homicide committed in the District.  

 “There was a shooting incident on U ST. N.W., just 4 doors down from BUNKER,” the Bunker Facebook post says. “Our security team promptly responded, ensuring the safety of everyone by ushering them inside for cover,” it says. “Currently, the courageous police officers are outside, handling the situation and working diligently to maintain a secure environment for our guests,” the message continues.

“As a responsible establishment, we strongly prioritize your safety, and as a precautionary measure, we will not permit anyone to exit the building until we deem it safe to do so,” the posting says. “Rest assured, we, as the owners, take this matter very seriously, and your safety remains our highest priority.” 

The U Street shooting at Desperados Burgers & Bar took place a little over two hours after six people were shot and wounded outside the Decades nightclub at 1219 Connecticut Ave., N.W. near Dupont Circle and near several gay bars on P Street and 17th Street in the Dupont Circle area. Police said none of those who were shot suffered life-threatening injuries

A separate police statement says with the help of several witnesses, police identified and arrested Rennwel Mantock, 29, of Hyattsville, Md., in connection with the shooting on charges of Assault with Intent to Kill, Possession of Unregistered Ammunition, and Possession of an Unregistered Firearm. The statement says a gun belonging to Mantock was recovered on the scene. Court records show a judge has ordered him to be held without bond until a May 7 preliminary hearing.

“The detectives’ investigation determined Mantock opened fire after employees removed him from a nightclub following a dispute,” according to the statement.

A police arrest affidavit filed in D.C. Superior Court says Mantock told police at the time he was apprehended on the scene that he was dancing with a woman at the club when a security guard ordered him to leave and then “grabbed him by the neck and punched him in the face right before dragging him down the steps.” The Decades club states on its website that it has several floors with multiple bars.

According to the arrest affidavit, Mantock told police that one of the security officials punched him in the face again and threw him to the ground after dragging him out the door. It says Mantock “stated that he then pulled out his gun and started shooting” because “he was very upset about the security punching him in the face,” adding that he “began firing at the Decades’ security.”

The affidavit says five of the six people shot were Decades employees.

Gay former Dupont Circle Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner Mike Silverstein, who lives near where the shooting took place, said Decades is not known as a place that LGBTQ people patronize but said the surrounding neighborhood is home to many LGBTQ residents and draws many LGBTQ visitors. 

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Maryland

Md. governor signs Freedom to Read Act

Law seeks to combat book bans

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Maryland Gov. Wes Moore (Public domain photo/Twitter)

Maryland Gov. Wes Moore on Thursday signed a bill that seeks to combat efforts to ban books from state libraries.

House Bill 785, also known as the Freedom to Read Act, would establish a state policy “that local school systems operate their school library media programs consistent with certain standards; requiring each local school system to develop a policy and procedures to review objections to materials in a school library media program; prohibiting a county board of education from dismissing, demoting, suspending, disciplining, reassigning, transferring, or otherwise retaliating against certain school library media program personnel for performing their job duties consistent with certain standards.”

Moore on Thursday also signed House Bill 1386, which GLSEN notes will “develop guidelines for an anti-bias training program for school employees.”

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District of Columbia

Catching up with the asexuals and aromantics of D.C.

Exploring identity and finding community

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Local asexuals and aromantics met recently on the National Mall.

There was enough commotion in the sky at the Blossom Kite Festival that bees might have been pollinating the Washington Monument. I despaired of quickly finding the Asexuals and Aromantics of the Mid-Atlantic—I couldn’t make out a single asexual flag among the kites up above. I thought to myself that if it had been the Homosexuals of the Mid-Atlantic I would’ve had my gaydar to rely on. Was there even such a thing as ace-dar?

As it turned out, the asexual kite the group had meant to fly was a little too pesky to pilot. “Have you ever used a stunt kite?” Bonnie, the event organizer asked me. “I bought one. It looked really cool. But I can’t make it work.” She sighed. “I can’t get the thing six feet off the ground.” The group hardly seemed to care. There was caramel popcorn and cookies, board games and head massages, a game of charades with more than its fair share of Pokémon. The kites up above might as well have been a coincidental sideshow. Nearly two dozen folks filtered in and out of the picnic throughout the course of the day.

But I counted myself lucky that Bonnie picked me out of the crowd. If there’s such a thing as ace-dar, it eludes asexuals too. The online forum for all matters asexual, AVEN, or the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, is filled with laments: “I don’t think it’s possible.” “Dude, I wish I had an ace-dar.” “If it exists, I don’t have it.” “I think this is just like a broken clock is right twice a day type thing.” What seems to be a more common experience is meeting someone you just click with—only to find out later that they’re asexual. A few of the folks I met described how close childhood friends of theirs likewise came out in adulthood, a phenomenon that will be familiar to many queer people. But it is all the more astounding for asexuals to find each other this way, given that asexual people constitute 1.7% of sexual minorities in America, and so merely .1% of the population at large. 

To help other asexuals identify you out in the world, some folks wear a black ring on their middle finger, much as an earring on the right ear used to signify homosexuality in a less welcoming era. The only problem? The swinger community—with its definite non-asexuality—has also adopted the signal. “It’s still a thing,” said Emily Karp. “So some people wear their ace rings just to the ace meet-ups.” Karp has been the primary coordinator for the Asexuals and Aromantics of the Mid-Atlantic (AAMA) since 2021, and a member of the meet-up for a decade. She clicked with the group immediately. After showing up for a Fourth of July potluck in the mid-afternoon, she ended up staying past midnight. “We played Cards against Humanity, which was a very, very fun thing to do. It’s funny in a way that’s different than if we were playing with people that weren’t ace. Some of the cards are implying, like, the person would be motivated by sex in a way that’s absurd, because we know they aren’t.” 

Where so many social organizations withered during the pandemic, the AAMA flourished. Today, it boasts almost 2,000 members on meetup.com. Karp hypothesized that all the social isolation gave people copious time to reflect on themselves, and that the ease of meeting up online made it convenient as a way for people to explore their sexual identity and find community. Online events continue to make up about a third of the group’s meet-ups. The format allows people to participate who live farther out from D.C. And it allows people to participate at their preferred level of comfort: while many people participate much as they would at an in-person event, some prefer to watch anonymously, video feed off. Others prefer to participate in the chat box, though not in spoken conversation.

A recent online event was organized for a discussion of Rhaina Cohen’s book, “The Other Significant Others,” published in February. Cohen’s book discusses friendship as an alternative model for “significant others,” apart from the romantic model that is presupposed to be both the center and goal of people’s lives. The AAMA group received the book with enthusiasm. “It literally re-wired my brain,” as one person put it. People discussed the importance of friendship to their lives, and their difficulties in a world that de-prioritized friendship. “I can break up with a friend over text, and we don’t owe each other a conversation,” one said. But there was some disagreement when it came to the book’s discussion of romantic relationships. “It relegates ace relationships to the ‘friend’ or ‘platonic’ category, to the normie-reader,” one person wrote in the chat. “Our whole ace point is that we can have equivalent life relationships to allo people, simply without sex.” (“Allo” is shorthand for allosexual or alloromantic, people who do experience sexual or romantic attraction.)

The folks of the AAMA do not share a consensus on the importance of romantic relationships to their lives. Some asexuals identify as aromantic, some don’t. And some aromantics don’t identify as asexual, either. The “Aromantic” in the title of the group is a relatively recent addition. In 2017, the group underwent a number of big changes. The group was marching for the first time in D.C. Pride, participating in the LGBTQ Creating Change conference, and developing a separate advocacy and activism arm. Moreover, the group had become large enough that discussions were opened up into forming separate chapters for D.C., Central Virginia, and Baltimore. During those discussions, the group leadership realized that aromantic people who also identified as allosexual didn’t really have a space to call their own. “We were thinking it would be good to probably change the name of the Meetup group,” Emily said. “But we were not 100% sure. Because [there were] like 1,000 people in the group, and they’re all aces, and it’s like, ‘Do you really want to add a non-ace person?’” The group leadership decided to err on the side of inclusion. “You know, being less gatekeep-y was better. It gave them a place to go — because there was nowhere else to go.”

The DC LGBT Center now sponsors a support group for both asexuals and aromantics, but it was formed just a short while ago, in 2022. The founder of the group originally sought out the center’s bisexual support group, since they didn’t have any resources for ace folks. “The organizer said, you know what, why don’t we just start an ace/aro group? Like, why don’t we just do it?” He laughed. “I was impressed with the turnout, the first call. It’s almost like we tapped into, like, a dam. You poke a hole in the dam, and the water just rushes out.” The group has a great deal of overlap with the AAMA, but it is often a person’s first point of contact with the asexual and aromantic community in D.C., especially since the group focuses on exploring what it means to be asexual. Someone new shows up at almost every meeting. “And I’m so grateful that I did,” one member said. “I kind of showed up and just trauma dumped, and everyone was really supportive.”

Since the ace and aro community is so small, even within the broader queer community, ace and aro folks often go unrecognized. To the chagrin of many, the White House will write up fact sheets about the LGBTQI+ community, which is odd, given that when the “I” is added to the acronym, the “A” is usually added too. OKCupid has 22 genders and 12 orientations on its dating website, but “aromantic” is not one of them — presumably because aromantic people don’t want anything out of dating. And since asexuality and aromanticism are defined by the absence of things, it can seem to others like ace and aro people are ‘missing something.’ One member of the LGBT center support group had an interesting response. “The space is filled by… whatever else!” they said.  “We’re not doing a relationship ‘without that thing.’ We’re doing a full scale relationship — as it makes sense to us.”

CJ Higgins is a postdoctoral fellow with the Alexander Grass Humanities Institute at Johns Hopkins University.

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