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New York rabbi celebrates 20 years at LGBT synagogue

Rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum worked at Religious Action Center in D.C. before arriving at Congregation Beit Simchat Torah in 1992

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Gay News, Washington Blade, Gay Judaism, Gay New York

Rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum and then-National Gay and Lesbian Task Force executive director Matt Foreman protest “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in Times Square in 2007 (Photo courtesy of Congregation Beit Simchat Torah)

NEW YORK ā€“ Rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum of New York Cityā€™s Congregation Beit Simchat Torah had been in rabbinical school for less than a year when she attended a secret conference of gay and lesbian rabbinical and cantorial students and rabbis in Los Angeles in 1986 where attendees had to call a phone number once they landed to find out where the gathering was taking place. The Reconstructionist Jewish movement adopted a non-discrimination policy two years earlier, but the Reform and Conservative traditions still prohibited gay rabbinical students.

They faced potential expulsion over their sexual orientation.

ā€œI was in the first class that was admitted under that [1984] policy,ā€ Kleinbaum told the Washington Blade in a recent interview, noting her own tradition remained hostile to openly LGBT rabbinical students and gay issues in general. ā€œIt was all pretty cutting edge. We were all testing the waters. It was a very different time, so we were all figuring out how to both transform the Jewish community internally and the liberal Jewish community was no different.ā€

Kleinbaum spoke to the Blade shortly after she celebrated her 20th anniversary at Congregation Beit Simchat Torah, the countryā€™s largest LGBT synagogue with 1,100 members that first held services at the Church of the Holy Apostles in Manhattanā€™s Chelsea neighborhood in 1973. The congregation has since returned to the same Episcopal parish to conduct their Friday night services because it has outgrown its previous location in the West Village.

AIDS was ravaging Congregation Beit Simchat Torah when she became its first full-time senior rabbi in Aug. 1992.

ā€œWe just had funerals constantly,ā€ said Kleinbaum, who was director of congregational relations at the Religious Action Center in D.C. from 1990 until she arrived at Congregation Beit Simchat Torah. ā€œI came to CBST and it was in the midst of an epidemic that was being largely ignored by the religious community and certainly by the government. So we were really under siege in those days.ā€

Roughly one third of Congregation Beit Simchat Torahā€™s members lost their battle with AIDS, while Kleinbaum said up to 75 percent of her male congregants were living with HIV. She also buried the synagogueā€™s president who had supported the hiring of a full-time rabbi a month after she arrived at Congregation Beit Simchat Torah.

ā€œThe primary motivation for having a rabbi come into the congregation was to respond to this crisis of AIDS. And it was a spiritual crisis that the synagogue was really reeling from the death and the illness and there was no end in sight of course at that time,ā€ said Kleinbaum, who further noted that anti-AIDS stigma at the time only exacerbated the plight of those in the congregation living with the virus. ā€œReligion was used constantly as ammunition, as a weapon against us and against people who were HIV-positive or had AIDS. So my presence to try and project a different image of God and of religion was very important both pastorally and politically.ā€

Activism extends beyond HIV, LGBT rights

In addition to her HIV/AIDS advocacy, Kleinbaum has publicly backed marriage rights for same-sex couples and other LGBT-specific issues. New York police arrested her and then-National Gay and Lesbian Task Force executive director Matt Foreman during a 2007 protest against “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” when they obstructed traffic in Times Square.

Kleinbaum was among the New York Board of Rabbi members taken into custody for civil disobedience during a protest against the 1999 police shooting of unarmed West African immigrant Amadou Diallo in the Bronx. More recently, she has spoken out against the New York Police Departmentā€™s controversial stop and frisk policy that critics maintain unfairly targets black and Latinos and other underrepresented groups.

ā€œIf we want a country to change and a world to change we have to be deeply in partnership and see our fight and struggle for human rights ā€” itā€™s not just about who I am as a person literally. This I take from my Jewish tradition,ā€ said Kleinbaum. ā€œWe are told over and over and over and over again, remember that you were slaves once in Egypt, therefore make sure you do everything you can to prevent the oppression of anyone else. No one else should be a slave.ā€

Kleinbaum remained humble when the Blade asked her about those who have identified her as among New Yorkā€™s most influential Jewish leaders and one of the countryā€™s most important rabbis.

ā€œItā€™s wonderful to be recognized in that way if it helps also continuing our effort to transform the world,ā€ she said. ā€œI have one agenda; and thatā€™s to transform the world. And I feel that only happens when people are really working hard together.ā€

Over the last two decades, the congregationā€™s High Holiday services at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center have grown to include more than 4,000 people each year.Ā  Congregation Beit Simchat Torah also hopes to move into a new building on West 30th Street in Manhattan in 2014.

Judaism itself has changed since Kleinbaum attended rabbinical school in the mid-1980s.

The Reform, Conservative and Reconstructionist movements all admit openly gay rabbinical students and place them in synagogues and other congregational positions. These traditions also recognize same-sex weddings.

ā€œThese years since I started rabbinical school have been totally transformative and so itā€™s been very moving to be part of that,ā€ said Kleinbaum.

As for Congregation Beit Simchat Torah, Kleinbaum said she hopes to further develop its social justice work over the next decade. She would also like to create what she described as an institute that examines the intersection of sexuality and religion.

ā€œThe intersection of sexuality and religion is a source of tremendous oppression in the world,ā€ said Kleinbaum. ā€œIā€™d like to create an institute which focuses on ways that religion can be a voice of liberation in areas of sexuality and religion.ā€

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Real Estate

Donā€™t procrastinate buying your home

Some experts predict rates will fall in June

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Spring is in the air and itā€™s a great time to buy a new home.

As springtime fills the air, cherry blossoms are blooming, much of the year still lies ahead and many have started to think about how they are progressing with their 2024 goals. If the dream of buying a house was put on hold when the interest rates went from 3% to almost 8%, and life got in the way of an idea that had gotten onto your to-do list, maybe now is the time to dust it off. 

Mortgage lender Tina Del Casale from Sandy Spring Bank says, ā€œThere is still hope the Fed will be happy with inflation numbers by June to finally pull the trigger on lowering interest rates.ā€  

The rates might not be as low as they were in 2021, but historically, they are still not as high as they were 20 years ago. Some peopleā€™s parents remember getting interest rates that were 12%, 14% or even higher.   

One of the biggest questions I get at homebuyer seminars is about is the process. What is buying a house ACTUALLY like?  I usually tell them that itā€™s like anything else. One step at a time. One form at a time. One bank transfer at a time. One house showing at a time. One home inspection at a time. If you have the wherewithal to plan a vacation, you can buy a house. 

  • Finding a Realtor
  • Finding a lender to get pre-approved (how much is your budget and what is a comfortable monthly payment)
  • Are there any first-time buyer programs that could be used? Is there down payment assistance?
  • Looking at the houses.
  • Finding one you like, and putting an offer together:
    • An offer usually involves a sales contract, any special forms that the jurisdictions require (lead-based paint acknowledgements, what appliances and systems in the house are included/excluded, if the home is part of a homeowners association, or a condo association, etc.)
    • Any forms related to getting an inspection done.
    • Who is selling the house, who is buying the house, how much is it being sold for, where it is exactly, and who are the others involved in the transaction (title company, agents, etc.)?
  • Getting any inspections done.
  • Negotiating any changes in the sales price or terms, or credits for inspection items.
  • Getting the final approval for the loan and then going to settlement.

Many people get interested in buying a house, but the ā€œunknownā€ of it all can be daunting. It could be that the best way to think about it, is that like most things in life, you canā€™t cross every bridge BEFORE you get there. You just take it one day at a time. Some things will be surprisingly easy. Some things will require the advice of experienced lenders, Realtors, home inspectors and title attorneys.  

But if the process doesnā€™t begin somewhere, somehow, the idea just stays in oneā€™s head in the ā€œto do listā€ file.  And then 3 years go by, 5 years go by, 7 years go by. And your friends that DID buy a house laugh themselves to the bank when they go to sell the house they bought 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or 7 years ago.

If you need any recommendations for a local lender or Realtor, please donā€™t hesitate to ask.

Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. Reach him at [email protected] or 703-587-0597.

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Advice

Giving up drinking is killing our relationship

What happens when one partner is sober and the other isnā€™t

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Iā€™m a 38-year-old guy, was single for most of my 30s, which I didnā€™t like at all, and I finally met a great guy last Memorial Day Weekend. 

Until New Yearā€™s I would have said that everything was going great. I was on Cloud Nine. Eric is kind, handsome, smart, and a great catch.

But in December he decided to do ā€œDry January.ā€ It was kind of on a whim I think. We were out with some friends and one of them said he was not going to drink at all for the month of January.Ā He thought alcohol was playing too big a role in his life so he wanted to see what life would be like without it. Another friend said he would do it too, and then Eric said he would.

I wish we hadnā€™t gone out that night and then this whole thing wouldnā€™t have happened.

So, as the month progressed, Eric started talking more and more about how much better he was feeling without alcohol in his body or his life.

I donā€™t think we drank that much pre-January. Yes, weā€™d have something to drink every time we went out, with friends or just together, but not to excess.

At some point, Eric started saying that he wasnā€™t really enjoying going out with our friends, as he wasnā€™t drinking and they were (except the two friends who were also doing the Dry January thing). This meant Iā€™d either go out without him (which I didnā€™t like) or weā€™d stay home, or go out just the two of us. But then if Iā€™m drinking and heā€™s not, it just feels awkward. He hasnā€™t said anything but I feel like heā€™s judging me whenever I have a drink.

I was hoping heā€™d relax about the whole thing at the end of the month but now heā€™s decided he doesnā€™t want to drink anymore at all.

To make matters worse, he says that the month made him think more about the big role alcohol plays in his life (his words) and he has started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

So where does this leave me? I do want to keep drinking. Iā€™m just a social drinker and I donā€™t have a problem with alcohol. I think it adds a fair amount of fun to my life. Plus, all my friends drink (including the two who did Dry January) and itā€™s a big part of our socializing. If you donā€™t drink when everyone else is drinking, itā€™s really not fun and it feels weird.

At this point Eric doesnā€™t go out with the friend group we were going out with because he doesnā€™t have a good time as the only non-drinker. (I get it, thatā€™s one of the reasons I drink when my friends are drinking.) So I go out sometimes without him, which as I mentioned doesnā€™t feel so good, and which I donā€™t think is great for our relationship; or I donā€™t go out with my friends, which I donā€™t like.

I love Eric and I could see us having a great life together but his not drinking has opened what feels like a chasm between us.

How do couples handle this situation, where one person wants to stop drinking and the other does not? The impact is seeming increasingly huge to me and I donā€™t see how to make it stop being a divisive problem.

Michael replies:

I donā€™t think that Ericā€™s sobriety needs to be a divisive problem, if you can tolerate that you donā€™t get to have your life with Eric be exactly as you would like. 

This is the same dilemma that everyone in a serious relationship must face. Our partners are always different from us in some important ways, even if it doesnā€™t seem that way at first. And we have to figure out how to live with these differences, contentedly for the most part.  Our partners face the same challenge. 

Of course, not every difference can be (or should be) resolvable. For example, if one person is determined to parent and the other person is determined to be child-free, it makes great sense to part ways ā€” unless one person decides theyā€™d rather stay with their partner than have it their way.  

You and Eric have to figure out if your differences around alcohol are a deal-breaker, or if you can find a way to build a solid relationship, even as you drink socially and he is sober.

Whether and how you do this are for the two of you to figure out.  That said, here are some ideas for your consideration: 

  • Can you accept Ericā€™s not joining you for some or even many of your social activities?
  • Can you and Eric talk about what might help him be more comfortable joining your friends now and then?
  • Can you ask Eric what itā€™s like for him when you are drinking, rather than assuming that he is judging you? (Important question for your consideration: What led you to make that assumption rather than asking him?)
  • If Eric is making friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, would you want to join him at times when he socializes with them? 

The main ingredients here are generosity, flexibility, collaboration, and curiosity.

Speaking of curiosity, rather than wishing that the two of you had missed that invitation to participate in Dry January, how about being curious about Ericā€™s decision to stop drinking? I suspect that your dismissiveness has a negative impact on his desire to be close to or confide in you. If you are curious about this important life change that Eric is undertaking, you will certainly learn a lot about your boyfriend, and likely deepen your connection.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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Real Estate

Down payment strategies: Financing your home purchaseĀ 

Understanding the options key to unlocking the door to a dream home

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Looking for your dream home? First, you need to understand how to make the down payment.

Navigating the path to homeownership can be a complex journey, especially when it comes to accumulating the necessary down payment. For members of our LGBTQ community, understanding the available options for saving and financing this crucial aspect of home buying is key to unlocking the door to their dream home. Let’s explore effective methods and resources specifically designed to support LGBTQ individuals on their path to homeownership.

Traditional Savings Strategies

Saving for a down payment often begins with traditional methods such as setting aside a portion of your income into a dedicated savings account. High-yield savings accounts and automated savings plans, some offering up to 5% interest in today’s market, can expedite the process, providing a disciplined approach to accumulate funds over time. Additionally, exploring investment opportunities that match your risk tolerance can offer potential growth for your down payment savings.

Down Payment Assistance Programs

A variety of down payment assistance programs exist to help homebuyers with their initial costs. These programs often offer grants or low-interest loans to first-time homebuyers or those who haven’t owned a home in the past three years. 

It’s essential to speak with a GayRealEstate.com agent to determine what programs may be available, plus online research into local and state assistance programs, as many are designed to support individuals in specific communities, including the LGBTQ+ community.

For medical professionals, police, teachers, firefighters, and other community heroes, there are several special loan and assistance programs designed to help with home purchases, often offering benefits like down payment assistance, reduced closing costs, and more favorable loan terms.

The Hero Home Loan Program provides first responders, including police officers, firefighters, and paramedics, with benefits such as lower interest rates and reduced closing costs. This program aims to make homeownership more accessible by offering more flexible credit score requirements and down payment assistance .

For educators, firefighters, law enforcement officers, and medical professionals, the Everyday Hero Housing Assistance Fund (EHHAF) offers closing cost assistance through gift funds. This program is designed to support those who serve their communities by making homeownership more affordable, with no repayment required for the grant fundsā€‹ā€‹.

The HUD Good Neighbor Next Door Program offers up to 50% off the list price of homes for law enforcement officers, pre-Kindergarten through 12th-grade teachers, firefighters, and emergency medical technicians. This initiative aims to encourage community revitalization by assisting these professionals in homeownership within the communities they serveā€‹ā€‹.

Homes for Heroes provides assistance specifically to first responders and offers significant savings through Hero Rewards when buying, selling, or refinancing a home. On average, participants save $3,000, with the program offering real estate and mortgage specialist connections tailored to the needs of first respondersā€‹ā€‹.

LGBTQ-Friendly Lending Options

Finding a lender that understands and supports the unique needs of our LGBTQ community can make a significant difference. Some lenders and organizations specialize in offering inclusive financial products and resources to assist LGBTQ+ homebuyers. These may include specialized mortgage products, financial planning services, and guidance through the home buying process.

The journey to homeownership is a milestone that requires careful planning and support. Remember, every step taken towards saving and financing your home purchase brings you closer to the dream of homeownership.

(GayRealEstate.com offers valuable resources and advice tailored to meet the unique needs of our LGBTQ+ community in their journey towards homeownership. For more comprehensive guidance and support in navigating the home buying process, visit GayRealEstate.com choose an agent and start a no-obligation conversation today.)

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at [email protected].

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