Living
Queery: Bill Gray
20 questions with the D.C. gay bar mainstay
Bill Gray is in a period of transition. He left EFN Lounge/Motley Bar shortly before it closed abruptly last week and is formulating a potential new business plan he calls Grind Espresso Bar. But he wants to find co-partners before proceeding. The 34-year-old Philadelphia native earned a business degree in Pittsburgh but returned to Philly where he opened seven Jazz & Java coffee shops in the region between 1997 and 2005. The chain was eventually sold to Saxbys.
Gray moved to D.C. in the summer of 2005 but then moved to Tuscon, Ariz., for about a year (2006 mostly) before settling in Washington in early 2007, where he became a staple bartender of the local gay scene having mixed drinks at several bars and clubs before taking the reins at EFN Lounge/Motley about 18 months ago. Several of his relocation decisions have been motivated by love, which led him to relocate both to Arizona and D.C. “I think I was raised to be an Italian housewife,” he says. “Just kidding, though that is why I moved to Arizona for my boyfriend at the time who was an engineer. I did what I felt was right for my family at the time.”
He admits to being a hopeless romantic and is in a new relationship now but doesn’t want to talk details. He says hardcore chiseled abs ā Gray’s are displayed in all their glory on his Facebook page ā are “not that difficult to get; I learned a long time ago that abs are mainly hidden because of diet, not how many crunches I can do. I try to eat a balanced diet and stay away from overeating, but I definitely have a weakness for chocolate and ice cream. I inhale the stuff.”
Gray says being a successful bartender is more about personality, being genuine and making good drinks than being a pretty face. He went through a few bumpy years with his family after coming out but says they came around after a few years of missed holidays. Gray lives in Thomas Circle and loves working out at Vida, spending long hours with his boyfriend watching old movies, window shopping, coffee tasting and going to spots outside the gayborhood. He’s ready to start the next chapter of his professional life and says, “the sky is the limit.”
How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
I have been out for 17 years. The hardest person to tell was definitely my mother. I went away to college in ’93 and wrote her a letter apologizing for being gay and I understood if she and Dad didn’t want me around. I had multiple suicide attempts before writing that letter to the point where I had to come out for my sanity. I was rejected at first and welcomed eventually.
Who’s your gay hero?
I have a few gay heroes. Professionally, I admire anybody who steps out in business and makes it; most notably David von Storch of Vida Fitness and Thomas McGuire of WorkSpaces. I also admire everyone who has served in our military under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” They have more strength and courage than anyone I know.
What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
Good question. I am just going to personalize this. I have the best time when I go to event-driven parties. I’ve been a bartender and have worked at most of the nightspots in this city. I loved working at Cobalt when I first arrived in D.C., I loved the family feel of working at Nellie’s, I loved the energy at Town. I loved the sense of accomplishment at EFN/Motley. In my opinion, there is no “best” nightspot. I do enjoy all of the spots but tend to make my choice based on what event is going on, which seems to be the trend in D.C.
Describe your dream gay wedding.
I think what most people don’t know about me is that I am a hopeless romantic. My dream wedding would take place in a locale that is conservative with friends and family. I think I will be the one proposing because I am the type to set up the romantic proposal setting.
What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
The medical reform that our president pushed through Congress.
What historical outcome would you change?
The assassination of JFK.
What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
MTV!
On what do you insist?
Expressing an informed opinion before making assertions.
What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
“Saying Goodbye for Now ā¦”
If your life were a book, what would the title be?
“Gray’s EFN Anatomy”
If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
I am very happy with the way God has created me. I would choose God over science in this instance.
What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
My heart/soul/spirit will be all I have for eternity. I have to live everyday with those three things in mind.
What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
My advice is simple and seems to work for most: “You attract more flies with honey rather than vinegar.”
What would you walk across hot coals for?
My family.
What gay stereotype annoys you most?
I have embraced all facets of our community. Stereotypes certainly apply to some. I would say the inability to be monogamous.
What’s your favorite gay movie?
I used to volunteer with the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival in Philly so I have seen a bunch. I would have to say “Touch of Pink” is one of my favorites. I also liked “It’s My Party,” but it makes me cry too much.
What’s the most overrated social custom?
I remember being a child and my mother would scold me if I didn’t remove my hat when I entered a home. I think that is pretty overrated.
What trophy or prize do you most covet?
Two off the top of my head. I was voted Best Bartender in D.C. in 2008 by City Paper. That meant a lot to me as it wasn’t just the gay community. I was recently named the Community Partner of the Year by the Non-Profit Al Sura.
What do you wish you’d known at 18?
That everything I did at that age would impact my future as significantly as it has.
Why Washington?
I moved here for love. I always follow my heart above all else. My next career will hopefully keep me here as I have grown attached to the city.
Real Estate
What LGBTQ buyers, sellers need to know about new real estate rules
Regulations are reshaping how transactions are conducted
In recent months, the real estate landscape has undergone significant changes, with new rules and regulations reshaping how transactions are conducted. These changes affect buyers and sellers across the board, but LGBTQ individuals and couples navigating the housing market should be particularly aware of how these updates might impact their decisions and opportunities. At GayRealEstate.com, weāre here to keep you informed and empowered.
1. Transparency in Agent Compensation
One of the most notable changes involves how real estate agents are compensated. New rules aim to increase transparency, requiring agents to clearly disclose their commissions and how they are paid. For LGBTQ buyers and sellers, this means youāll have a better understanding of the financial side of your transaction, making it easier to avoid hidden fees or misunderstandings.
Tip: Make sure your agent explains their compensation structure up front. Working with an LGBTQ-friendly real estate agent through GayRealEstate.com ensures youāre connected with professionals who prioritize clarity and fairness.
2. Contracts Before Home Tours
In some areas, buyers are now required to sign a representation agreement before touring homes. While this adds a layer of formality, it can also help you establish a stronger relationship with your agent and ensure theyāre working in your best interest.
What It Means for LGBTQ Buyers: Choosing an agent who understands your unique needs is critical. Signing a contract ensures that your agent is committed to helping you find a home in a community where youāll feel safe and welcome.
3. New Protections Against Discrimination
Recent policy changes reinforce anti-discrimination measures in housing, which is particularly relevant for LGBTQ individuals. While federal laws like the Fair Housing Act prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, some states have gone further by implementing additional protections.
How to Navigate: Familiarize yourself with your stateās specific laws, and rely on LGBTQ-friendly agents who are committed to advocating for your rights throughout the transaction process.
4. Market Conditions: Buyers vs. Sellers
The current housing market is in flux, with inventory levels, interest rates, and demand varying widely by region. Sellers may face longer listing times, while buyers could encounter more competitive environments in desirable areas.
5. Mortgage Updates for LGBTQ Couples
Lenders are becoming more inclusive in recognizing diverse family structures, but disparities still exist. Itās essential to work with lenders who understand your unique situation and ensure fair treatment during the mortgage process.
Advice: An LGBTQ-friendly agent can connect you with lenders who are sensitive to your needs and knowledgeable about programs that support equal access to home financing.
Why These Changes Matter
The new rules emphasize fairness, transparency, and accountability ā values that align closely with the mission of GayRealEstate.com. However, navigating these changes requires expert guidance, especially for LGBTQ buyers and sellers who may face additional challenges in the market.
Take Action Today
Buying or selling a home is one of the most significant decisions youāll make, and having the right support can make all the difference. At GayRealEstate.com, we connect LGBTQ buyers and sellers with experienced, LGBTQ-friendly agents who are committed to protecting your rights and helping you achieve your goals.
Whether youāre just starting your real estate journey or ready to make your next move, weāre here to help. Visit GayRealEstate.com to find your perfect agent and get started today.
This article is brought to you by GayRealEstate.com, the nationās largest network of LGBTQ-friendly real estate agents.
Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at 303-378-5526.
Real Estate
Your holiday home journey
Real estate decisions often tap into our deeper desires for connection
Thanksgiving and real estate share an essential theme: the importance of home. It is traditionally a time of gratitude, togetherness, and reflection. While its hallmark symbols may include turkey dinners, family gatherings, and autumnal dƩcor, it also invites us to think deeply about our values and who and what we hold dear.
For some people, the family home connotes a place of safety, comfort, and community. For others, visiting with family over the holiday can be a contentious and stressful ordeal best avoided. Countless of my friends have severed toxic relationships that can rival an exploding, deep-fried turkey. They have opted instead for dining out or hosting a gathering of food and football with like-minded people.
During Thanksgiving, the idea of āhomeā becomes particularly poignant. It is more than just a physical structure; itās where people gather, memories are made, and traditions are passed down. For those involved in real estate ā whether as professionals or as individuals embroiled in the market ā this emotional dimension of home is a driving force.
When buying a house, itās not just about square footage or the number of bedrooms. It’s about envisioning a Thanksgiving dinner in the dining room, imagining children playing in the backyard, or hosting friends in the cozy living space. Real estate decisions often tap into our deeper desires for connection, stability, and legacy ā values closely tied to the spirit of Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving falls in the quieter part of the real estate calendar, with spring and summer being the traditionally hot seasons for buying and selling. Yet, for those who choose to list their homes in November, the holiday offers unique opportunities. Sellers can use Thanksgivingās warm, inviting atmosphere to their advantage, staging homes with seasonal touches like autumn wreaths, a cornucopia of fruits and nuts, the sparkle of a dining room chandelier, and the scent of freshly baked pies.
A well-decorated home during this time can evoke an emotional connection with potential buyers. A cozy environment can help them imagine spending their future holidays in that very space. Additionally, homes listed during the Thanksgiving season often face less competition, as fewer properties are on the market. This can lead to more serious offers from motivated buyers.
For buyers, Thanksgiving can function as a reminder of why they are on the hunt for a new home in the first place. Perhaps they are looking for a bigger space for a growing family. They may be downsizing to retire or to simplify life. They might be looking for home to accommodate both children and aging parents simultaneously. The holiday season underscores the importance of finding a home that aligns with lifestyle needs and future goals.
In our tight real estate market, buyers still face challenges such as limited inventory and higher interest rates; however, Thanksgiving encourages a shift in perspective. Itās a time to focus on gratitude for what is within reach ā whether itās finding a starter home, securing a dream property, or taking incremental steps toward long-term, financial goals.
Interestingly, Thanksgiving weekend has become an increasingly popular time for real estate research. Families can gather around the table and begin discussing the future, including moving to a new city, upgrading their home, or purchasing an investment property. Digital tools like web searches and virtual tours can help buyers and sellers stay connected to the real estate market without disrupting their Thanksgiving traditions.
Whether you are buying or selling, Thanksgiving offers an opportunity to reflect on the role of gratitude in real estate. For buyers, itās about being thankful for the chance to find a home that meets their needs, even if the journey is challenging. For sellers, itās a moment to appreciate the memories made in a home while looking forward to new opportunities.
For real estate agents and other industry professionals, Thanksgiving is a time to express gratitude to clients and colleagues, build stronger relationships, and highlight the human aspect of a business often driven by transactions alone.
If you are staying put this Thanksgiving, you have a chance to celebrate your current home, no matter its size or condition. Simple gestures like decorating with fall colors, rearranging furniture for a cozy feel, or preparing a special meal can deepen your connection to your space. Inviting neighbors, friends, or family to share in the festivities can reinforce the sense of community that makes a house a home.
Whether itās the home you currently have, the one youāre searching for, or the one you are leaving behind, each holds a unique place in your life story. Take stock of the journey so far, recognize the progress made, and look forward to the possibilities ahead.
Digital Media
LGBTQ youth love TikTok. Does TikTok love them back?
Platformās algorithm found to promote homophobia, violence
When Jocelyn was stuck inside during most of 2020, they did what any high school senior would do: scrolled through TikTok. They found themself on the hashtag #tiktokmademegay a lot. (To protect privacy,Ā the BladeĀ is opting to only use Jocelynās first name).
āAt the time, I didn’t give it a lot of thought,ā they say, acknowledging that most users viewed it as āmore of a joke.ā
Now a senior in college, where Jocelyn will graduate with a degree in Womenās, Gender, and Sexuality Studies and Computer Science this spring, they have a more nuanced perspective. Nuanced enough to embark on a year-long independent thesis on the topic.
They still get that the hashtag is a joke, but probe into what lies behind it, noting a tension between the āthe born-this-way narrative of sexuality essentialismā to the idea that āsexuality is socially constructed.ā They also question the power this narrative gives to TikTok in its ability to surveil user data and identity.
What got Jocelyn so interested in it in the first place was the fact it was a conservative talking point being replicated by the queer community. Because, what amounts to a joke or an intellectual query for some, is a point of anxiety and fear-mongering for others.
The conservative think tank known for writingĀ Project 2025, the Heritage Foundation wroteĀ āHow Big Tech Turns Kids TransāĀ arguing that āDigital spaces are ever more designed to promote sexual and transgender content.ā This argument has incredible staying power and has been echoed by numerous far-right pundits likeĀ Oli LondonĀ andĀ Charlie Kirk.
It has also been referenced by lawmakers. Tennessee Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R) stated theĀ Kids Online Safety ActĀ (KOSA), bi-partisan legislation she co-sponsored restricting youth access to social media, was meant to “protect minor children from the transgender [sic] in our culture.”
TikTok has faced numerous challenges over the years. From MontanaāsĀ currently unsuccessfulĀ ban on use in its state to theĀ ādivest-or-ban billāĀ signed by President Joe Biden in April or theĀ lawsuitĀ brought by more than a dozen attorneys general in Octoberāit is clear there is a broad coalition of U.S. lawmakers concerned about the app.Ā
These actsāwhich cite both national security and youth mental healthācome in conjunction with a larger movement to limit youth access to social mediaālocally, nationally, and internationally.
Data security experts and some legislators state that the national security risk of the app is onlyĀ hypothetical due to the fact TikTok houses U.S. user data in the states. There are pressing concerns about the safety of user data, explains Shae Gardner, the policy director at LGBT Tech. Focusing those concerns entirely on one platform due to a hypothetical risk rather than the widespread, real risks across multiple platforms is disingenuous.
āProponents [of this ban] have been saying that this is urgent and necessary to protect the data of Americans,ā says Gardner, āBut we have been asking for years for nationwide data privacy protections, and watching the efforts die over and over again on the legislative vine.ā
In fact, Gardner argues, āRegulating one application is both legally dubious and will ultimately be ineffective in doing so.ā Gardner explains that though LGBT Tech is not involved in any legislation against the ban, which other tech policy groups are, they hold the shared belief that it is unconstitutional to target a single platform rather than the wider ecosystem.
The risk to youth mental health, which has also been cited as a major concern, is more complicated. Best sellers like theĀ highly critiquedĀ āThe Anxious Generationā argue that all youth mental illness is linked to social media. The data doesnāt back this up,Ā argueĀ numerous experts.
Amid the panic,Ā LGBTQ advocatesĀ have passionately argued that queer youthās access to technology is uniquely beneficial due to a lack of education and community in the physical world. The Trevor Project identified TikTok as the platform whereĀ LGBTQ youthĀ felt most āsafe and understood.āĀ
Data largely backs this up. A systematic review from 2022 found that āsocial media may support the mental health and well-being of LGBTQ youths through peer connection, identity management, and social support.ā The review noted that more research is needed, noting that their results may be limited by weak evidence due to factors like small sample sizes.
Celia B. Fisher, the Marie Ward Doty University Chair in Ethics at Fordham University, was able to gather a larger sample by conducting a national survey of more than 500 on Instagram. With that reach, explains Fisher, āyou’re more likely to get a fuller view of what’s going on nationally.ā
āThere’s an anonymity with national surveys,ā adds Fisher, ā[It] brings different people to answer questions that they may not want to talk about to somebody in person.ā
In March 2024, she published the peer-reviewed article āSocial media: A double-edged sword for LGBTQ+ youthā in the Journal āComputers in Human Behavior.ā Many results agreed with the larger narrative of online spaces as refuges and community-building spaces. āIt’s a wonderful place when they can find the appropriate sites,ā says Fisher.
Jocelyn, the student researcher, echoes this. āMany of the videos I have come across discuss how the comfortability of the queer spaces on TikTok was part of the reason they felt comfortable enough to come out and explore their sexuality.ā
When youth drift into non-welcoming territory, the story is different.
Fisherās research finds that more than 80% of youth are exposed to discrimination either directly or vicariously (watching others being discriminated against) in the last month. Fisher wrote, ābetween 40% and 63% of all youth met the criteria for moderate levels of depression, anxiety, and substance use disorder (SUD).ā Youth who described high exposure to discrimination had higher levels of depression, anxiety, and SUD.
The hate does not simply come from the run-of-the-mill bully finding a classmate online. āAlgorithms expose them to these things,ā says Fisher.
āIf an algorithm sees that you’re interested in RuPaulā¦ Then it begins its work on figuring out other sites that may be attached to similar interests. But as it moves on, it begins to add the heterosexist and transphobic types of posts.ā
The fact that the algorithms that govern our tech can be sexist, racist, and homophobic is old news and highly studied, but it continues to have compounding impacts. Media Matters for America found in 2021 that TikTokās algorithm specifically promotes homophobia and anti-trans violence.
Jocelyn also worries about handing over the power of identification and community to an algorithm. In addition to the #tiktokmademegay, other users promote the idea that āTikTok knows things about themself before they know it.ā This rhetoric is āscaryā says Jocelyn, because āhanding over the keys of self-identification to an algorithm that we have no idea how it works is not something that feels right.ā
Gardner echoes the complex views on the state of social media. Outside of her day job as a policy maven, Gardner is a TikToker under the handle @shaeitaintsoo, where she shares educational content about LGBTQ issues.
āThese spaces also allow for a lot of queer joy and a lot of authenticity in a way that makes me proud to be a part of this community,ā she says. At the same time, backlash is part of the job. The success of TikTokās moderation has ebbed and flowed during her four years as a public figure on the app.
Gardner emphasizes that āhatred and harassment do not live in algorithms.ā The discrimination faced online is replicated bigotry from offline spaces. Social media can amplify and distribute the bigotry in new ways. āIt is the responsibility of the platforms to be making significant efforts to ensure that the replication is not then also multiplied and made ten times worse.ā
Gardner sees the backlash as a ātale as old as timeā that has been replicated without much evidence onto emerging technology. āI’m not saying that tale is not rooted in some element of truth. But this, this didn’t start with TikTok, I would push back against language that seems to think it will end with TikTok.ā
In the meantime, Gardner implores those worried to not lose sight of the most important concerns.
āIf your concern is that [kids and teens] are spending too much time in online spaces. What are you doing to create safe, physical ones for them?ā Gardner asks.
(This story is part of the Digital Equity Local Voices Fellowship Lab through News is Out. The lab initiative is made possible with support from Comcast NBCUniversal.)