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Queery: EJ Dean

The new D.C. Center HIV program assistant answers 20 gay questions

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Blade photo by Michael Key

The D.C. Center, the District’s LGBT community center, is expanding slightly.

EJ Dean, an AIDS activist originally from Empire, Mich., moved here three weeks ago to accept a part-time position as HIV program associate, a continuation of the work Dean was doing at the Kallen-Lorde Community Health Center in New York. The 31-year-old Dean, who’s gender non-conforming and identifies as queer, is also going to school full-time to finish a degree in human relations at Trinity Washington University. Dean got involved in in activist work as soon as it became possible.

“Being a queer person and since I have never been someone who dealt with inequity quietly, I’m not sure if I really stumbled into it or just started doing it as soon as I could. Then each time I found out about another opportunity where I’d be able to help, I’d move toward that. When I was younger, a lot of it was just making queer safe spaces and open mic nights and places where people could be themselves and know it was alright.”

Dean, who went to college in Pittsburgh and has also lived in Kalamazoo, Mich., and Montclair, N.J., enjoyed the last year in New York but never thought of it as home. The Center position appealed to Dean because of the opportunity it provides to educate.

“I’ll be building, growing and expanding the HIV programs,” Dean says. “Education is often the piece that gets left out and it’s the most important piece. People need to be able to access information and make change themselves. That’s what drew me to the Center. Making sure people have equal access to knowledge.”

Dean and partner Trina live in Adams Morgan and enjoy writing, music and cooking. Dean also enjoys making minimalist tables in reclaimed wood.

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?

I came out to my parents when I was 15. Let’s just say they did notĀ throw me a party.

Who’s your gay hero?

I am currently learning everything I can about Larry Kramer, theĀ founder of ACT UP.

What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?

So far, my favorites are Busboys & Poets and Red Derby.

What’s your dream gay wedding?

A legally recognized celebration of our commitment to one anotherĀ shared with everyone we love ā€” currently unavailable in 45 states.

What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?

I am passionate about all people having equal access to health care,Ā education, jobs and housing. But considering a high percentage ofĀ queer people are under-employed, uneducated, homeless or do not haveĀ access to queer friendly (if any) health care, I consider theseĀ gay issues.

What historical outcome would you change?

An emergency evacuation of New Orleans would have been systematicallyĀ organized before Hurricane Katrina devastated the city.

What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?

9-11

On what do you insist?

The truth.

What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?

“Checking out ‘Hide/Seek’ at the National Portrait Gallery.”

If your life were a book, what would the title be?

“Work in Progress”

If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?

Fight to the death to pass a law that would make the use of thatĀ discovery illegal.

What do you believe in beyond the physical world?

Liberation: a place where power and scarcity do not exist.

What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?

Share your power. Susan B Anthony said, “Organize agitate, educate,Ā this must be our war cry.” Why do so many neglect to educate?

What would you walk across hot coals for?

Today: ENDA and an HIV Vaccine.

What gay stereotype annoys you most?

That gender identity somehow reveals sexuality.

What’s your favorite gay movie?

“Fingersmith”

What’s the most overrated social custom?

Gendered bathrooms

What trophy or prize do you most covet?

My tattoo of 1856, the bill number of One Kalamazoo CampaignĀ non-discrimination ordinance I worked on and helped to pass in 2009.

What do you wish you’d known at 18?

Social constructs are imaginary.

Why Washington?

Trina and I find D.C. to be the place that we want to establish roots. The opportunity to be out and queer and make change happen exists forĀ me here. I am honored to be doing so along side David Mariner and theĀ many volunteers of the D.C. Center.

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Real Estate

D.C.ā€™s canvases of artistic expression

Murals offer a unique way to experience the city through art

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The Black Lives Matter mural on 16th Street, N.W., became a symbol of the global movement for racial justice. (Washington Blade file photo by Michael Key)

If you are looking for art for your home or to just explore your creative side, Art All Night is a wonderful event to explore. It is one of D.C.’s most vibrant and inclusive cultural celebrations of the city’s rich artistic community. Held annually in multiple neighborhoods, this free, overnight festival transforms the city into a massive gallery of visual art, live performances, and interactive experiences.

From photography to dance and music to murals, Art All Night highlights the diverse talents of D.C.’s artists, offering residents and visitors a unique opportunity to engage with art in unconventional spaces. This year, it takes place from dusk until dawn on Sept. 27-28, allowing participants to explore the cityā€™s creative energy in a festive atmosphere.

Art All Night plays a significant role in fostering community connections and revitalizing public spaces. The festival often takes place in unexpected locations, such as vacant lots, alleyways, and storefronts, transforming these areas into lively cultural hubs. It is well worth driving into the city for this event.

Among the many forms of artistic expression found in the nation’s capital, wall murals on buildings stand out as a dynamic and powerful medium. While you canā€™t hang them on the wall in your living room, these large-scale artworks transform public spaces into open-air galleries, each mural telling a story that reflects the city’s diverse population and its history. 

The city’s mural scene gained prominence in the late 20th century. Murals became a way for artists to express political messages, celebrate cultural identities, and address social issues. This tradition continues today, with murals serving as both a reflection of the cityā€™s past and a commentary on its present.

One of the most famous murals in the city is the “Duke Ellington” mural, located in the U Street Corridor. Painted by G. Byron Peck in 1997, this mural pays homage to the legendary jazz musician Duke Ellington, who was born and raised in D.C. The mural is not just a tribute to Ellington’s musical genius; it also serves as a reminder of the U Street Corridor’s history as a cultural hub for African Americans during the early 20th century, often referred to as “Black Broadway.” 

Within different neighborhoods, you can see murals that celebrate the city’s African American, Latino, and immigrant communities. For example, in Columbia Heights, the “Un Pueblo Sin Murales Es Un Pueblo Desmuralizado” (A People Without Murals is a Demuralized People), a play on words between demoralized and demuralized, stands as a vibrant celebration of Latino culture. Created by a group of artists led by Carlos Salazar and Alfredo Ratinoff, this mural is a colorful depiction of Latin American history, culture, and struggles. It is not just a piece of art, but a statement of identity for the Latino community in D.C.

Similarly, the “Ben’s Chili Bowl” mural on U Street celebrates African-American culture and history. This iconic mural features portraits of notable African-American figures, including Barack and Michelle Obama, Prince, and Harriet Tubman. 

You may enjoy a 2.5-hour walking tour of 25 local murals. Book online and check times at www.dcmuraltour.com. Your guide will meet you in front of the CitizenM NoMa Hotel Thursdays through Saturdays. You can also schedule a private tour with a five-person minimum.

The “Black Lives Matter” mural on 16th Street, N.W., near the White House, became a symbol of the global movement for racial justice. Painted in bold yellow letters, this mural was commissioned by D.C.ā€™s mayor in 2020 amid protests against police brutality and systemic racism. The creation of this mural is both a declaration and a demand for justice, making a powerful statement in a city that is at the center of national politics.

The “LOVE” mural in the H Street Corridor is a collaborative effort involving local artists and residents. The mural, which spells out the word “LOVE” in large, colorful letters, is a symbol of unity and inclusivity. It serves as a reminder of the power of love and community in a rapidly changing city. 

Murals on buildings in D.C. are more than just decorative art; they are powerful expressions of culture, history, and social consciousness. Each mural tells a story that is deeply connected to the community it represents, making the cityā€™s streets vibrant canvases of expression. 

So, as you walk through D.C., let these murals invite you to explore the city’s diverse neighborhoods, learn about its history, and engage in conversations about its future. Whether you are a resident or a visitor, the murals of D.C. offer a unique, creative, and enriching way to experience the nation’s capital through art.

Valerie M. Blake is a licensed Associate Broker in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia with RLAH Real Estate / @properties. Call or text her at 202-246-8602, email her via DCHomeQuest.com, or follow her on Facebook at TheRealst8ofAffairs.Ā 

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Real Estate

Sustainability and smart home technology

The future of modern living is now

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Sustainable homes often feature solar panels.

In the rapidly evolving world of real estate, two major trends are converging to shape the homes of the future: sustainability and smart home technology. As more people become aware of the environmental impact of their choices, and as technology continues to advance at a breakneck pace, these two trends are increasingly influencing buying decisions in the residential real estate market. For those looking to buy or sell a home, particularly within the LGBTQ community, understanding these trends is essential. At GayRealEstate.com, we recognize the importance of these developments and how they contribute to a better, more sustainable future for all.

Demand for Sustainable Living

Sustainability is no longer just a buzzword ā€” itā€™s a key factor in the decision-making process for many homebuyers. The modern consumer is increasingly conscious of their carbon footprint and is seeking homes that align with their values. Sustainable homes, also known as green homes, are designed to be energy-efficient and environmentally friendly. They often feature solar panels, energy-efficient windows, and advanced insulation systems, all of which contribute to reducing the homeā€™s overall energy consumption.

One of the primary benefits of sustainable homes is the long-term cost savings they offer. By utilizing renewable energy sources like solar power, homeowners can significantly reduce their utility bills. Additionally, many governments and municipalities offer tax incentives and rebates for homes that incorporate green technology, making the initial investment in sustainability more financially viable.

The Rise of Smart Home Technology

Simultaneously, smart home technology is becoming a must-have feature in modern homes. What was once considered a luxury is now becoming a standard expectation for many buyers. Smart homes are equipped with devices and systems that can be controlled remotely via smartphones, tablets, or voice-activated assistants like Amazon Alexa or Google Home. These technologies include smart thermostats, security systems, lighting, and even kitchen appliances, all designed to make life more convenient, efficient, and secure.

Smart home technology is particularly appealing for its ability to optimize energy use. For example, a smart thermostat can learn a homeownerā€™s schedule and automatically adjust the temperature to reduce energy consumption when the house is empty. Similarly, smart lighting systems can be programmed to turn off when not in use or to dim based on the time of day or natural light levels, further contributing to energy savings.

Intersection of Sustainability, Smart Technology

The most forward-thinking homes are those that successfully integrate sustainability with smart home technology. This intersection is where the real innovation in real estate is happening. Homes that combine these elements offer not only reduced environmental impact but also enhanced living experiences.

Imagine a home where solar panels are not just installed but are also connected to a smart grid that optimizes energy use based on real-time data. Or consider a home with a rainwater collection system that works in tandem with smart irrigation to water the garden efficiently and sustainably. These are not just futuristic ideas ā€” they are already being implemented in new developments across the country.

In fact, this integration is becoming a key selling point in competitive real estate markets. Buyers are increasingly looking for homes that offer both energy efficiency and the convenience of modern technology. For sellers, this means that investing in these features can significantly increase the value of their property and make it more attractive to potential buyers.

Impact on Property Values

As sustainability and smart technology become more ingrained in the real estate market, their impact on property values is becoming increasingly evident. Homes equipped with these features are often valued higher than comparable properties without them. Buyers are willing to pay a premium for homes that offer lower energy bills, reduced environmental impact, and the latest in home technology.

For LGBTQ real estate buyers and sellers, particularly those who value innovation and environmental responsibility, these trends represent an exciting opportunity. By focusing on sustainability and smart home technology, you can find or create a home that not only meets your needs but also contributes to a better, greener future.

(At GayRealEstate.com, we are committed to helping our clients navigate these emerging trends. Whether you are looking to buy, sell, or simply explore the possibilities, our network of knowledgeable and LGBTQ-friendly real estate professionals is here to guide you every step of the way. Together, we can make sustainable, smart living a reality for everyone.)

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at 303-378-5526 or [email protected].

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Advice

My boyfriend has gained 50 pounds and wonā€™t change

Should I stay with someone who refuses to get off of the couch?

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A partnerā€™s weight gain could be due to undiagnosed depression.

Dear Michael,Ā 

My boyfriend of five years has been steadily putting on weight and now I would say he is about 50 pounds heavier than when we met, which was the summer of 2019.

First he blamed the weight gain on COVID. Like most people we were stuck at home, anxious, and overindulging in comfort food; and the gym wasnā€™t an option. So I didnā€™t say anything and figured things would return to ā€œnormalā€ once we got through the pandemic.

I will say, though, that I managed to not gain much weight during that time because I found ways to exercise. He didnā€™t want to join me and I didnā€™t push.

Although weā€™re long past COVID, Tim hasnā€™t changed his ways. He never went back to the gym and continues to eat whatever he wants. Iā€™d say his main hobby is sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food.

To make matters worse, his sister recently told me that historically Tim has been a heavy guy. Heā€™d never bothered to share this with me, so I had no idea.

Evidently I met him on the tail-end of an intense push to get in shape. So he looked really good at the time, but that was temporary.

When I confronted him about this, he was mad at his sister for telling me and said I had no right to talk about him behind his back. Well, I didnā€™t ask herā€”she just brought it up, and was surprised that I was surprised.

Tim is annoyed that I keep voicing my unhappiness about his being out of shape. He says he is the same sweet and loving person I fell in love with and Iā€™m shallow to be so upset by surface appearances.

I told him he was trying to gaslight me: If he feels that love should have nothing to do with how you look, then why did he go to all the trouble to lose weight and get in shape before we met? I feel like he did it to get a boyfriend and then thought he could just go back to being fat once he was in a relationship.

So now heā€™s mad at me for saying heā€™s basically a devious schemer. I didnā€™t use those words but itā€™s true I donā€™t trust him and feel taken advantage of.

Besides the weight, itā€™s not attractive to see him just basically lie around all the time and not take care of his body.

I asked if heā€™d consider some drug like Ozempic and he got really angry and said Iā€™m awful to suggest something that might have all sorts of side effects just so that I will be happier with his looks.

The upshot is, I feel stuck with a guy who turns me off and doesnā€™t want to do anything about it and tells me Iā€™m shallow for not being in love with him no matter what he looks like.

My friends tell me to dump him, but does he have a point?

Michael replies:

You get to decide whom you want to date. You are very far from alone in wanting an energetic and physically attractive partner.

Itā€™s true that no one stays gorgeous, and has an amazing body, forever. We all have to accept the changes that time brings to our partners and to ourselves. But that is different from accepting a partner who isnā€™t making any effort to take care of himself. 

Aside from the lack of self-care, Timā€™s refusal to share significant details about his life, or his thoughts and motives around big issues, is both a trust-destroyer and a huge roadblock to your having a close or intimate relationship. And the way that Tim blows off your questions, and attacks you for being curious or confused, is a recipe for distance and resentment. It is also unkind.

Now letā€™s look at your part in this. Iā€™m curious about what has been keeping you in this relationship. You havenā€™t said anything about what you like (or love) about Tim. All I know is that he describes himself as sweet and loving.

Maybe he has some wonderful qualities you havenā€™t mentioned. Or maybe itā€™s hard for you to stand up for yourself? To let someone down? To have a boundary when itā€™s important? 

My biggest questions: Do you have a history of picking partners who underperform in some major ways? Or is the first time youā€™ve found yourself constantly disappointed by your partner, and constantly pushing him to do better?

Somehow youā€™ve created a life where you are hitting your head against a brick wall, getting nowhere, continuing to do it, and complaining about the pain. Timā€™s made clear that he doesnā€™t want to do anything different, and yet you continue to push him to change. Your behavior might be leading him to dig in. In any case, itā€™s leaving you miserable.

In any relationship, you can certainly ask for what you would like from your partner. But you have to let go of the result. And if the answer is ā€œno,ā€ you can either accept it, or drive the two of you crazy.  

If you do care about this relationship, and Tim, and yourself, you could propose to Tim that the two of you meet with a couples therapist. Perhaps this would help Tim to open up and to get a grip on his behaviors. It might also help you to understand why you might be keeping yourself stuck in a miserable position, so that you can raise your level of functioning in this relationship. 

One more important thought: Timā€™s lack of self-care and energy make me think that he is depressed. I wonder if Timā€”before you met him, at leastā€”was one of the many gay men who feel intense pressure to have a certain kind of body. It isnā€™t always easy, or even possible, to sustain this kind of appearance. And I wonder if he may be ashamed of where he is, which might be one big reason for his defensiveness.  

Again, couples therapyā€”or individual therapyā€”might help him address whatever is keeping him down.  But Tim would have to be willing to go. You can make the suggestion, but you cannot force him to change.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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