Living

‘This is my family’

Partners of 39 years turn new page after surviving homelessness, alcoholism

Published

14 years ago

February 10, 2011

Terry Ward, 66, seated, and Bob Cyrus, 60, are celebrating this Valentine’s Day in a new home after an adventurous 39 years together. (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

Terry Ward, 66, and Bob Cyrus, 60, have been a couple for 39 years and like a comedy team from old-style vaudeville, each is a straight man to the other, setting each other up for one-liners, often in politically incorrect terms.

They nudge each other with constant ribbing, affectionately but sometimes there’s also a dab of vinegar with the sugar, as when Ward calls Cyrus “a whore,” even as they each tumble into well-practiced personality pratfalls.

Each can finish the other’s sentences and their patter can be hard to follow, unless you hear the inner nuance, which always seems to turn on being each other’s eternal best friend.

Until two weeks ago, they were homeless and living in a shelter. And for years they were hopelessly alcoholic, yet still they clung to each other for love and support.

One is largely deaf, the other is blind in one eye. They are real characters, scarred by life’s twists and turns yet they’re still able to find the fun in their life together even if they have to create it themselves. Ward, blind in his right eye since a stroke last year, says, “We’re never bored — he can’t hear and I’m blind and I’ll hide his hearing aid and he’ll hide my teeth.”

And on April 1 — yes, on April Fools, for they seem to delight in having fun with every part of life — they plan to be married. But that’s only if, says Ward, Cyrus will spring for an engagement ring.

They live in a rent-subsidized apartment in Washington obtained for them by a non-profit social service agency, the U.S. Veterans Initiative (USVI), when it was discovered one of them had been a veteran — Ward served two years in the U.S. Navy mostly on a destroyer in the Mediterranean — and they had been homeless, but had shaken off alcohol and now were ready to start their lives anew.

Speaking of Emily Button, who acts as their case worker in her capacity as the Initiative’s housing director, Ward says, “She’s more than a sweetheart, she’s a jewel.”

Button stepped in and pushed through all the paperwork to make sure in late January that Ward and Cyrus could move out of Clean and Sober, a shelter and alcohol rehabilitation center located at 2nd and E Streets, N.W., where Ward had been living for 22 months and Cyrus for 17 months, and into their own, neat-as-a-pin one-bedroom apartment where their lives are now all about starting over.

Ward can reminisce with a touch of sarcasm about how they met, in 1972, when Cyrus was only 21, and fresh out of Huntington, W.Va. He’d left there after finishing high school and came to Washington to take a clerk’s job in a city post office. Cyrus was already an alcoholic — he says he began to drink, mostly screwdrivers, as young as 13, at about the time he also realized he was gay. By 15 he knew he was hooked on booze because, he says, “It made me feel good.” By 21, he says the pattern was fixed in place — binge drinking followed by frequent blackouts and memory loss.

Ward remembers the rainy Friday night he met Cyrus. Ward was coming home from his job at the Market Inn restaurant. He stopped the cab he was in when he saw Cyrus incoherent and sprawled on his bicycle tilted into a gutter near 9th and Pennsylvania Avenue where water from a rainstorm was coursing all around him. Out of concern, Ward went to offer help, but Cyrus responded only to say, “Fuck you.”

“I was mean and nasty then,” Cyrus says. He admits he sometimes still is. Ward agrees: “He’s selfish because he was the only boy in the family.”

A year later they met again when both were working at the Channel Inn restaurant. They’d remembered their earlier meeting. Cyrus says they didn’t get along. Ward was out but says, “Cyrus wouldn’t admit for years that he was a homosexual,” even though he was having sex in West Virginia when he was 13.

Born in Portsmouth, Va., in 1944, Ward never saw his mother, because she “walked out of the hospital,” he says, the day he and his twin sister were born, and she never came back. Raised by an aunt he called mom he remembers being 8 and wearing his sister’s Brownie uniform to sell cookies door to door. He’d come home and be Jane in their childhood recreations of the “Tarzan” adventures they saw at the movies.

Sexually, the two always led different lives. They were sexually adventurous and are candid with tales from their glory days.

Somehow, though, the two stuck together through many ups and maybe many more downs. Despite their hedonism and alcohol abuse, they escaped HIV.

“Almost all our friends from then are dead now,” Cyrus says.

So what made it last?

“We’re the best of friends,” Ward says. “This is family and I love him. Can’t you love someone without sex? It’s probably why we’re still together because we don’t have sex. He does his thing and I do mine.”

The couple says they were never each other’s types sexually so they never consummated their relationship. It’s common, experts say, for long-term couples to no longer have sex after many years together but is it unusual for couples to have never had sex?

“I would kind of think so myself, but they may be affectionate in other ways,” says Michael Radkowsky, a local gay psychologist who counsels gay couples. He mentions singer Margaret Whiting who married gay porn star Jack Wrangler and had a non-sexual union.

“They just said they were great companions in every other way and wanted to spend their lives together,” Radkowsky says. “So it does happen and there’s no reason to pathologize it. If they’re happy, they’re happy and it works for them.”

As for their alcoholism, Ward had more control over the addiction, always able to keep a job, while Cyrus frequently would lose his. They hit bottom, respectively, especially when they fell on hard times after Ward sold his home and then gave the money to a son he’d fathered during a two-year marriage in the mid-‘60s. It became increasingly obvious that alcohol was a problem — they sometimes spent as much as $300 a week on liquor and bought it by the case.

Now Ward says, “I’m 66 and I’ve got a new life ahead of me,” saying that they have each dropped all their old drinking friends who typically would mostly spend their time together drinking.

“When you sober up, you learn to love yourself,” Ward says.

They continue to help each other. Cyrus, who was hearing impaired at birth and heard at “about 30 percent” now, relies on his partner’s ears. In addition to his vision problems, Ward uses a cane since a fall several years ago.

“Life itself, you just have to work at it,” Ward says. He looks over fondly at Cyrus and says, “At least with this one, I know what I’ve got, he’s my caretaker now – I’ve always been his caretaker, and now it’s my turn.”

“I love him from the bottom of my heart,” Ward says. “This is my family.”

Real Estate

Hidden hazards at home

Professional inspections can help catch safety issues early

Published

8 hours ago

May 4, 2025

Valerie Blake

Test smoke detectors monthly and change batteries at least once a year. (Photo by Phonlamaiphoto/Bigstock)

As the spring market hits its stride, we are beginning to see more inventory and an increase in days on the market in parts of the DMV. This may result in professional home inspections becoming routine parts of contract offers again. A thorough home inspection can help catch safety issues early and is an opportunity to learn about the operation and maintenance of items in your home.

Pay attention to flickering lights, frequently tripped breakers, and discolored outlets—these are signs of potential electrical hazards. Outdated wiring, overloaded outlets, and faulty appliances can lead to electrical fires.

Structural issues are often overlooked until it’s too late. Crumbling foundations, weak or damaged stairs, loose railings, and uneven flooring can cause trips and falls. Water damage from leaks or flooding can weaken the integrity of floors and walls, creating a risk of collapse.

Toxic chemicals can pose serious threats to health and safety, often without obvious warning signs. Understanding and addressing these risks is crucial for maintaining a safe living environment for you and your loved ones.

Household products such as cleaners, pesticides, air fresheners, and even cosmetics can emit volatile organic compounds (VOCs). These compounds, when inhaled regularly, can cause a range of health issues including headaches, respiratory problems, hormonal disruptions, and in some cases, even cancer. To minimize these risks, homeowners should opt for low-VOC or VOC-free products, ventilate regularly, and consider investing in an air purifier.

Formaldehyde is another common toxin found in pressed wood products, insulation, and certain paints. Long-term exposure can lead to chronic respiratory problems and has been linked to cancer.

Radon gas, another possible carcinogen, is prevalent in the DMV. Your home inspector can do a radon test or there are DIY kits available at many hardware stores. If levels are above EPA standards, a professional remediation firm can install a system that extracts the radon and vents it safely outdoors.

Carbon monoxide (CO), a colorless, odorless gas, is produced by gas stoves, heaters, and fireplaces. Exposure can lead to headaches, dizziness, nausea, and even death. Install CO detectors near bedrooms and ensure that all fuel-burning appliances are properly maintained and ventilated.

Additionally, older homes may still contain asbestos in insulation, floor tiles, or roofing materials. If disturbed, asbestos fibers can become airborne and are highly dangerous when inhaled, leading to serious diseases such as mesothelioma, so when renovating an older home, it’s critical to have materials tested for asbestos before beginning work.

Mold and mildew thrive in damp, poorly ventilated areas such as bathrooms, basements, and around leaky pipes. While some molds are harmless, others can cause allergic reactions or respiratory problems and aggravate conditions such as asthma. Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is notorious for producing mycotoxins that may lead to severe health issues.

Signs of mold include musty odors, visible growth on walls or ceilings, and excessive humidity. Preventing mold growth requires controlling moisture levels—using dehumidifiers and vapor barriers, fixing leaks promptly, and ensuring adequate ventilation. Professional mold remediation may be necessary for severe infestations.

Though banned in residential paints in 1978, lead-based paint still exists in millions of older homes. Lead exposure is especially dangerous for children, causing developmental delays, learning difficulties, and behavioral issues. Adults are not immune – lead can lead to high blood pressure, kidney damage, and reproductive problems.

Even dust from deteriorating lead-based paint can be hazardous. The EPA recommends professional lead testing for any home built before 1978, especially if renovations are planned. Certified abatement professionals can safely remove or encapsulate lead paint.

Improper use of heating equipment, fireplaces, unattended candles, and cooking accidents are common sources of home fires. Smoke alarms and fire extinguishers are essential for early detection and response. Test smoke detectors monthly and change batteries at least once a year.

Homes that are safe for adults may not be safe for children or pets. Small objects, unsecured cabinets, toxic plants, and open staircases can pose significant risks. Childproofing measures such as outlet covers, safety gates, and cabinet locks, along with safe storage of chemicals and medications, are essential precautions.

The good news is that many of these risks can be mitigated with awareness and action. Here are a few simple steps to enhance home safety:

• Conduct a thorough safety audit using checklists available online.

• Ensure proper ventilation to reduce indoor air pollutants.

• Regularly check for leaks and signs of water damage.

• Keep cleaning and chemical products out of reach of children.

• Educate all household members about emergency procedures, including fire escapes and first aid.

Our homes should protect us, not pose threats to our well-being. By identifying and addressing these toxic and unsafe issues, we can transform our living spaces into truly safe havens.

Valerie M. Blake is a licensed Associate Broker in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia with RLAH @properties. Call or text her at 202-246-8602, email her via DCHomeQuest.com, or follow her on Facebook at TheRealst8ofAffairs.

Advice

I make more money than my partner and getting resentful

She’s taking advantage of a joint credit card

Published

2 days ago

May 3, 2025

Michael Radkowsky

(Photo by Nik_Sorokin/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

I make a fair amount more money than my girlfriend does and I’m happy to contribute more to our life (we are both in our 20s and living together).

But Meg doesn’t seem to care how much money she spends and then asks me to front her when she’s running low. She seldom pays me back.

Last week she had a big night on the town with her best friend (formerly her girlfriend) for the friend’s 30th birthday. She hired a limo and spent a lot on drinks and dinner. She put the entire night on our joint card which we are only supposed to use for shared household expenses, because she had maxed out her own card. Of course I will wind up paying for it. (And I am slightly jealous. Why am I paying for her evening out with her former GF?)

I pay for all sorts of stuff all the time because her credit card gets too big for her budget.

And somehow I almost never end up getting her share of the rent, which is already prorated according to our incomes.

She always tells me she’ll pay me back but her tab pretty much just keeps getting bigger.

If I bring this up with her, she tells me I am cheap because I make a lot and we’re a couple; and if she made more, she’d have no problem sharing everything with me.

Am I just being ungenerous? I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s an ingrate, but then I think if you’re in love, you shouldn’t be thinking of money, just taking care of the person you love.

Also, although I make more than she does, I’m by no means rich. I have my own student loans, and paying for the bulk of our lifestyle stretches me thin some months.

Michael replies:

For starters: Most couples must contend with some version of your struggle with Meg, because most couples have some income disparity.

Do you maintain a lifestyle that both of you can afford? That works for some relationships where the lower earner may not want to feel indebted to the partner who makes more. Other couples work out a system where they pay for expenses in proportion to their income. And in some instances, the higher earner may have a “what’s mine is yours” philosophy and the lower earner is OK with that.

What matters is that both partners come to a mutual agreement and are comfortable with the arrangement. In other words, they collaborate.

That’s not the case with you and Meg. You sound resentful, angry, and feeling like Meg is taking advantage of you.

It’s great to be generous in your relationship, but it’s also important to have a boundary when you think it’s important to have a boundary. Yet you’re continuing to subsidize Meg even when you have trouble making your own ends meet.

Important question: Have you told Meg that you’re stretched thin some months? If not, I’d be curious as to how you’ve made that decision. If so, I’d be curious as to Meg’s response.

If you don’t want to keep serving as Meg’s piggy bank, what is stopping you?

There’s a great saying in psychotherapy: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Meaning, our “big” actions and reactions have their roots in our history.

Think about your life history: How does it make sense that you are acting like a powerless victim?

Is not having a boundary an old and familiar dynamic for you? Were there important players in your life—for example, your parents—who insisted it was their way or the highway? Or perhaps you learned as a kid that if you ever said “no” to your friends, there’d be negative consequences?

Now ask yourself what might be keeping you stuck in a relationship of resentment. Are you re-creating an old and familiar dynamic? Sometimes we keep putting ourselves in the same miserable situation, over and over again. What’s familiar can be comfortable, even if it’s miserable; and we may be trying to get some understanding of the dynamic and some power over it, to finally get it right.

I’m just speculating here, to encourage you to think for yourself why you are staying in the dynamic you describe. You haven’t mentioned anything positive about your relationship, or about Meg.

Another possibility: I wonder if you might be so fearful of being alone that you’re willing to tolerate all sorts of treatment in order to stay in your relationship. Or perhaps you don’t think you deserve to be treated any better than this.

Again, if this is the case, where might this belief be coming from? Understanding why we are stuck in behaviors that keep us miserable can help us to get unstuck.

You have an opportunity to do something different here: Set a boundary and take power over your life. Perhaps if you did so, Meg would surprise you by shifting her stance, which would be good news if you have some good reasons to stay. Or perhaps she would not. Your challenge now is to get some sense of what’s holding you back, if you want something different for yourself. And unless you act on your own behalf, you will stay in this position.

One more point to consider, regarding Meg’s dinner date with her ex: Whether or not anything is going on, I take your jealousy as a sign that you don’t trust Meg. And without trust, you can’t have a decent relationship.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Real Estate

April showers bring May flowers in life — and in real estate

Third time’s the charm for buyer plagued with problems

Published

1 week ago

April 26, 2025

Joseph Hudson

As Dolly Parton says, ‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain’ (Photo by Rangizzz/Bigstock)

Working in the real estate sector in D.C. can be as uniquely “D.C.” as the residents feel about their own city. On any given day, someone could be selling a home that their grandmother bought, passed on to the relatives, and the transfer of generational wealth continues. In that same transaction, the beginning steps of building of generational wealth could be taking place.

Across town, an international buyer could be looking for a condo with very specific characteristics that remind them of the way things are “back home.” Maybe they want to live in a building with a pool because they grew up by the sea. Maybe they want a large kitchen so they can cook grandma’s recipes. Maybe they will be on MSNBC once a month and need to have a home office fit for those Zoom sessions where they will be live on air, or recording their podcast. Perhaps they play the saxophone and want a building with thick walls so they can make a joyful noise without causing their neighbors to file a cease-and-desist order.

What I found fascinating was getting to know my buyers. Why were they purchasing their property? What did they want to do with it? Was this their grandmother’s dream that they would have a place of their own someday? Did they finally think they would write that award-winning play in the home office? What dreams were going to be fulfilled while taking part in this transaction?

Somedays, the muck and paperwork slog of navigating home inspection items and financing checklists could get to be distracting at best, and almost downright disheartening at worst.

One of my clients was under contract on THREE places before we finally closed on a home. One building was discovered to have financing issues, and the residents were not keeping up with their condo fees. Another building had an issue with the title to the unit, which meant the seller could not sell the home for at least another year until that legal snag was resolved. As the months rolled by, she was losing heart and feeling defeated. When we finally found the third home, everything seemed great – and then about two weeks before the settlement, the rains came down and the windows leaked into the bedrooms.

Another delay. (Our THIRD). This time, for several more weeks.

I think she wanted to pack a suitcase, go to the airport, get on a plane somewhere and never come back. What ultimately happened? The building repaired the windows, the seller’s insurance replaced the hardwood floors, and she bought her first condo, which she still enjoys to this day.

As Dolly Parton says, “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain.” And finally, after months of looking, waiting, and overcoming obstacles, the rainbow peeked out from behind the clouds.

Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. He can be reached at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].