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Don Lemon: Proud to be out

CNN’s Don Lemon challenging norms about masculinity in black community; sits down for exclusive Q&A with the Blade.

Published

15 years ago

on

Don Lemon
Don Lemon

Don Lemon, the CNN anchor who came out last week, feels like he's won the lottery. (Photo courtesy Reggie Anderson of Reggie Anderson photography, Atlanta)

Two weeks ago, Don Lemon was merely reporting the news, not making it. As CNN’s weekend prime time anchor, Lemon brings a decade of experience breaking news and filing moving special reports. Now, however, Lemon is embarking on an ambitious mission to move America once again, this time to accept and embrace an openly gay African-American news anchor.

It’s a tall order, and Lemon is risking his livelihood, his career and his reputation to come out of the closet as gay. This week, the Washington Blade sat down with the man who has spent so much time covering public figures, and has now become one of those newsmakers himself.

Washington Blade: First of all, congratulations on the new book and coming out. It’s a big month for you.
Don Lemon: Oh thank you!

Blade: Just a few months ago, you made headlines coming out as a victim of sexual abuse in your youth, which was a very surprising moment, and now in your new book, “Transparent,” you were a bit more deliberate and more measured as you come out as an openly gay prime time anchorman at a major cable news channel. Now, you hinted to Gawker last week that coming out feels good, but you weren’t real specific. On a scale of one to incredible, can you rate how the coming out experience has been so far?

Lemon: [laughs] On one to incredible? Are you serious?

Blade: Yeah.

Lemon: OK. [laughs] What if I said ‘one?’ You’d say, ‘uh oh! Goodbye!’ [laughs] I have to tell you I can’t even put it in those terms. I mean, it goes way over a scale of one to 10, honestly. And it goes way over incredible.
I mean I just feel like a new person. And it’s funny because someone from CNN sent me the write up on the ESPN radio guy who came out — and he thanked me and Rick Welts and whoever. And he says that he feels like he won the lottery. And it’s funny because he’s been out for like three days or two days, and I’ve been out three days longer than him, but I know how he feels. It’s like you have this rush of ‘You know what? This is who I am! I don’t have to hide it.’

And even if you’re out in your personal life, and you may have been dating people, and you have gay friends, I think what most people don’t understand for people in the public eye or high profile people, it’s something that you carry around, and you don’t even know and you become so adept at navigating it and avoiding questions and making sure you’re not in situations where you might be outed. Even though you may not be ashamed of what it is outwardly, but there’s something inside of you that’s afraid of someone finding out and using it against you and that it will hurt you in some way.

So it feels … I need to come up with a new word. Fancredible! Or Intastic! There’s not just one word. I feel Extastic!

Blade: I hope both of those words catch on after this interview.

Lemon: What did I say, ‘fancredible?’ that’s actually pretty cool, right?

Blade: I like it, I’m going to start using it this afternoon. Being someone of high visibility — and you were honored as one of the most influential African Americans in Ebony last year and Essence this year — do you think that when public figures in the black community, like yourself, come out as gay, there’s a possibility to change minds?

Lemon: I think if you come out and you’re in a position like mine, or higher, or wherever — even if you’re just in your job, and you feel comfortable to do it — I think you have the opportunity to change minds. …

But I think — I have to be honest — I don’t know any high-profile African Americans who are out. And I always say, ‘name five who have come out in the last five years,’ and they look at me and say ‘well, I dunno,’ and I ask, ‘OK, the last 10 years,’ and they say ‘I dunno,’ and then I just say ‘one, and I’ll give you one,’ and I say Wanda Sykes, and beyond that, most people can’t really name any. And I think it’s different being a woman — she’s very brave. It’s a whole different nuance being a woman and an entertainer.

I’m not an entertainer, I’m not a woman, I work for a very credible and influential news organization. And there, frankly, aren’t many people like me ‘out’ in general, and when you break it down into subcategories like African American or whatever, then there really aren’t any people. So do I think I can change minds? Absolutely, and that’s why I’m doing it. I hope to change minds.

Blade: Why do you think it’s so difficult for public figures in the black community to come out?

Lemon: Well I think it’s difficult for public figures to come out in general. And then if you belong to a group that’s already been discriminated against, then of course it’s harder. When you ask ‘why is it so hard for public figures in the black community,’ I ask, how many public figures in the white community do you know are out? How many public figures in the news are out? You know?

I mean, I know of two, other than me — two journalists who are white — but as far as being black journalists who are out, I don’t know any! I don’t know any professional black athletes who are working now who are out, I don’t know any black singers or performers or actors who are out, and I don’t know many whites who are.

And so, it’s hard to come out anyway — as much as we’d like to think the world has changed. And yes, it has; people’s attitudes in general in America are changing about gay people. But still it’s deemed as something you want to keep secret, and you don’t want to talk about it. So, when you get the black community — a community that has a history of discrimination —that’s one more category, one more name for them. It’s like, ‘OK, so he’s a black guy, now he’s a black gay guy,’ and that’s another label I’m adding to myself. And that would be another label that some black person could be adding to themselves: gay. That’s a frightening prospect, especially when you don’t know what the outcome will be on the other side.

Don Lemon

CNN anchor Don Lemon comes out in his new book, 'Transparent,' due out June 16. (Photo courtesy Reggie Anderson of Reggie Anderson photography, Atlanta)

And let’s not forget — very important — it’s different in the black community. In the black community, for the most part, not all black people, the church has been the backbone of the community for so long, and the church preaches against homosexuality. So when you’re growing up, from the day you go into church, it is instilled in you that being gay is going against God. And that happens in any church. But when the backbone, the structure of the community has been so associated with the church, it’s even doubly more imprinted on your being and on your psyche.

And so it’s tough. In that community you’re supposed to be masculine. You’re supposed to be a man. You’re supposed to be strong. And people equate gay with being weak. And so men aren’t supposed to be weak. Men are supposed to provide for the family, and take care of their women. And so that’s how it’s deemed to be, for the most part, in the African-American community.

And people can say I’m throwing black people under the bus: I am black, I’m not doing it, I’m speaking for myself as well, because I lived in that whole environment forever. And it is true, I speak from experience.

Blade: Speaking of experience, as a gay newsman, your orientation informs your reporting. Do we need more openly gay journalists to help our community tell our stories properly?

Lemon: Let me preface that by saying: I have been doing these interviews a lot, and people have been trying to compare me to other people and pit me against other journalists. That’s not my role here. My role here is to talk about me.

I think it would be helpful in any profession if people would come out. If more people could feel comfortable in any profession, from being an attorney, to being an athlete, to being an actor, to being a garbage worker, to being a cleaning lady, to being a journalist. It would be more than helpful — the more people that come out, the better it will be for the Tyler Clementis of the world.

That being said, people should feel comfortable doing it whenever they want to do it. I don’t know other people’s journeys or stories, and why they may not be choosing to come out. That’s up to them. And you’ll have to ask those people why they don’t feel comfortable coming out.

But do I think there should be more openly gay journalists? I think it would help in any profession, like I said, if more people could feel comfortable coming out. And I don’t think that’s any different in the profession that I’m in. Does that make sense?

Blade: Definitely. Speaking of Tyler, you mentioned to Joy Behar that Tyler’s suicide influenced your decision to tell the story of being a gay man in the media, through the book you were writing at the time of his suicide. Why was this such a turning point for you?

Lemon: Because it just speaks to the whole reason why I’m doing it. And to your last question, which I will add to, I will give you more than you asked me for on the last question.

Because, last week before this happened, I may have felt differently. Since this has happened, I’ve gotten so many people who have written to me, who have contacted me, and who have stopped me on the street, in airports, in the grocery store, in parking lots, on the sidewalks and wherever and said ‘thank you for standing up. Thank you for walking in truth. Thank you, because of what you’ve done, you’ve allowed me to feel comfortable coming out.’ And, ‘thank you — I felt that I was bad. I’m a teenager, and now I see that I can be successful, and maybe someday I can be on television. I’d like to be like you Mr. Lemon.’

Do you know what that’s like coming from a teenager?

So if someone like Tyler Clementi could have reached out, or had seen someone that he could have related to, or felt comfortable enough to even call, or e-mailed, or send a text or a Tweet, or reach out in some way, then I have made a difference.

So, that being said, I think there is power in being able to be who you are, and being able to help other people, and being able to be — in some way — an example, or at least someone that teens can look up to, on the television, and go ‘hmm. I’m gay, he’s gay. He’s doing alright for himself.’

So, when you ask me ‘do we need more out gay journalists?’ That’s the answer to your question.

Because, people like me, and other journalists, who are in this profession are more attainable. You see an actor? You don’t feel like that’s attainable. You see someone who is in that sort of position, which is a fantasy anyway, where they’re acting on a role on a movie screen, even if they do come out, they’re an entertainer, and most people cannot ascend to that sort of thing. It’s not going to happen for everyone.

But pretty much, being a journalist is not unattainable for the average American. So it’s a position where someone can actually feel that you can reach out and touch them, that it speaks a truth. It’s not a fantasy.

So, when that happened to Tyler Clementi, something clicked in me, and I said, ‘you know what? This is ridiculous.’ By sitting here, just being silent about it, then what I’m doing is telling other people to be silent about it. Even if I’m not saying it, I am showing them by example that they should be silent.

Like I said, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like this a week ago — the day before I came out, I probably would have been, ‘Oh gosh, I don’t want that!’ But just by the silence there’s some deception in that. I truly feel that. And I don’t mean that for anyone else, I’m talking about for me. I’m not pointing fingers at anybody, I’m not talking about other journalists, I’m talking about me, and the epiphany that I reached, and then having gone to the other side, and gone to ‘the dark side,’ so to speak, now I feel more empowered, and I think people should feel comfortable coming out in their own time.

Blade: We’ve talked about all the good, but what is the risk for you in coming out now?

Lemon: Well the risk… at first there was a perceived risk. That, you know, my livelihood would be taken away, that people would shun me, that people would ostracize me, that people would turn off the television and not watch me.

Sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than actually knowing, right?

Now that I’ve come out, and I’m on this side, then now I’m living in that risk and that fear. Maybe there are people that won’t watch me. Meh! I’ll have to deal with it. Maybe there are people who are going to write bad, dirty things about me. Meh! I’ll have to deal with it. Before I was dealing with the possibility, which isn’t real. So now I’m living it. So now I’m walking, and taking those steps, and every single day, if it does indeed happen, then I’ll just have to deal with it. And I’ll have to discuss it.

If it doesn’t happen? Then all of that fear was for naught.

So the actual fear was losing my livelihood. Who knows? That could still happen. But you know what? I don’t think so. I tend to believe in the goodness of people. And since this has happened, I’ve had so much support, and I thought that I wouldn’t — quite honestly, I have to be honest. I didn’t think I’d have any support in the gay community, or not much at all. And I think that — and not just in the gay community, but in the country overall — I’ve had so much support that if it doesn’t work out, I’ll go on to do something else, and I’ll thrive. And I’ll prosper. Just for the step that I’ve taken, which they think is very brave. I happen to think that, you know, I just walked in my truth.

I think Ellen was brave, doing it, what, almost 20 years ago? Coming up on 15 years? So I think Ellen was brave. That took a lot of guts to do it back then. There were so many people like ‘Oh is Ellen gay? Is Ellen gay? Oh my gosh!’ And she said, ‘Yeah I am!’ And look what happened. And that’s how I feel. Maybe I’m crazy, but I think that in order to move and get beyond something, you just have to do it.

So I don’t know if people are going to want to watch me, I don’t know if people are going to want to hire me — I write about it in the book — I don’t know. But I do know that at a certain point, you just have to own up to it, walk in it, be truthful, and keep living your life.

Blade: How supportive have your colleagues been?

Lemon: My colleagues have been really supportive. I think it’s funny because I think they sort of look at me differently, because even though they work with me every day, they don’t really know my story, and now they feel like they know me a lot better.

Blade: Any last words you want to leave our readers? Anything you’ve learned through this process that you really haven’t been able to talk about yet?

Lemon: I have to say that, when you’re wrong about something, you have to own up to it. Don’t you think you have to admit your mistakes? Especially when one of the reasons that I’m doing it, is to change attitudes about gay people, and ‘let’s just get over it and move on,’ and this whole process. One reason it took me so long to come out is because I thought that I wouldn’t have the support from the gay community because I don’t look like, you know, a Ken doll. You know what I mean. I’m not like the Clark Kent; the gay prototype muscle boy or whatever. You know, at events, I would always be typically the only African American there, you know, either of a handful or the only. So I didn’t think that there was this sort of support system for someone like me in the gay community. And boy have I been proven wrong. And thankfully so.

You know I’ve had friends who were a part of gay organizations, and they would say, ‘Oh Don, you’re wrong.’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah, but Neal, look at me, I’m the only one, I’m the only African American in the room, and it’s filled with a bunch of wealthy white guys, or a bunch of middle class white men. Why would someone care about me? Why would these people be supportive of me?’

And I have just been proven wrong. I think that — white, black, Asian, Hispanic, whatever — as gay people, I think we’re yearning for our stories to be told, and for inclusion, and when someone steps up to make a stand, I think we should get behind them, and I think we should do that with all of our gay brothers and sisters, and not just the ones who look like us.

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Real Estate

Ensuring safer drinking water

A 2026 update on lead-free D.C.

Published

5 days ago

on

March 15, 2026

By

A D.C. initiative to remove lead pipes and make drinking water safer has been underway for more than a year. (Photo by Jin Odin/Bigstock)

In September 2024, I wrote about the District’s Lead-Free D.C. initiative, an ambitious effort to remove lead pipes and make drinking water safer for every resident in our city. Since that original article, a number of important developments have taken shape that affect everyone living in the District. Key drivers in the legal landscape surrounding this issue such as disclosure, testing, and infrastructure planning have been sharpened. The city’s sweeping pipe replacement efforts are continuing to evolve against the backdrop of broader federal drinking-water rules and funding changes.

What was once largely public health conversation for the future is now a practical reality for many property owners and renters. The water service line replacement project has moved from planning and is presently underway throughout the city.

Elevated levels of lead in drinking water is a perplexing challenge in many U.S cities. Researchers documented elevated lead levels in D.C.’s water system more than two decades ago, spotlighting how old infrastructure can pose a hidden health risk even in one of America’s wealthiest cities. Local leaders responded with pipe replacement plans that have continued in the years since.

The Lead-Free D.C. initiative remains the central effort to reduce that risk by replacing water supply lines. These are the pipes that carry water to your home or rental property from the street. D.C. Water estimates that tens of thousands of lead or galvanized service lines still exist in the city and must be systematically replaced to eliminate this exposure.

What Has Changed Since September 2024

Over the past 18 months, several shifts have rippled through policy, practice, and the daily experience of both landlords and tenants:

  • Local Disclosure and Tenant Rights: The city has strengthened disclosure requirements. Today, property owners are expected to provide clear written disclosures about known lead service lines, any testing that has been done, and records of past replacements. Tenants also have the right to request lead testing of their tap water, and landlords are responsible for ordering and passing along the test kit, and are required by law to share results with tenants when requested.This reflects an ongoing push toward transparency and an informed occupancy.
  • Pipeline Replacement Planning: D.C. Water and the District Government are continuing to roll out their block-by-block lead service line replacement work, with construction schedules publicly available through a Lead-Free D.C. construction dashboard. The goal is to remove by 2030 all lead service lines on both the public and private side, though timelines and funding mechanisms are still being refined as the work continues. D.C.’s Lead-Free DC initiative stipulates that DC Water is responsible to replace the public portion of a lead service line at no cost to the property owners. This is the section running from the water main under the street to the property owner’s lot line. When DC Water is already replacing the public side as part of a scheduled infrastructure project, it will also offer to replace the private-side service line (into the building) at no cost to the owner, as long as the owner grants access and signs a right-of-entry agreement. In these cases, DC Water pays the contractor directly, and the entire lead service line is removed in one coordinated effort.

When no public-side project is scheduled, owners may still qualify for full private-side replacement coverage through the District’s Lead Pipe Replacement Assistance Program (LPRAP). If approved, the program covers the cost of replacing the private-side lead pipe, with funds paid directly to the contractor. Property owners are typically responsible for selecting the contractor, coordinating the work, and covering any costs outside the approved scope of work. Funding is subject to availability, and eligible applicants may be placed on a waiting list depending on annual program budgets.

  • Implementation Best Practices: To avoid challenges and misunderstandings regarding the responsibilities during such a significant undertaking, fully investigating the program and how it works is a good first start as is regular and clear communications.

It’s helpful for both property owners and residents to have a clear understanding of what D.C. Water and construction crews will be doing during a lead service line replacement and what follow-up work may remain once the project is complete. Like any major infrastructure upgrade, the process can involve temporary water shutoffs, excavation around the building, and some restoration afterward, such as repairing landscaping or sections of sidewalk. While these short-term disruptions can be inconvenient, they’re a normal and necessary part of modernizing the city’s water system and ensuring safer drinking water for the long term.

  • Federal Drinking Water Rules: On the national stage, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) finalized in October 2024 the Lead and Copper Rule Improvements (LCRI). The LCRI requires public water systems across the country to inventory and plan to replace lead service lines, and to remove all lead pipes within about a decade. It also strengthens testing, monitoring, and public notification requirements and lowers the action level for lead exposure, building on earlier revisions to the Lead and Copper Rule.

While these federal changes do not rewrite Washington, D.C.’s specific legal requirements for landlords and tenants, they do help shape funding opportunities, compliance expectations, and the broader national push to eliminate lead plumbing, which can affect utilities, state programs, and local infrastructure planning.

Federal drinking water regulations are subject to administrative review, litigation, and potential revisions as presidential administrations change. While the EPA’s 2024 Lead and Copper Rule Improvements remain in effect as of this writing, aspects of implementation, enforcement timelines, or funding mechanisms may evolve through future rulemaking, court decisions, or congressional action. These federal rules do not override Washington, D.C.’s independent authority to adopt and enforce its own public health, housing, and water safety requirements, which continue to govern landlord and tenant obligations within the District regardless of federal regulatory shifts.

What Landlords Should Know

For landlords in D.C., these evolving expectations matter in 3 key ways:

  1. Disclosure Is Now a Must: You are expected to provide prospective tenants with upfront information about lead service lines, known test results, and replacement history before lease signing. Existing tenants must also be informed if you learn anything new about the plumbing system.
  1. Testing Should Be Welcomed, Not Avoided: When tenants request a lead water test, you’re now required to provide D.C. Water’s approved kit and cooperate with the process. The test results give both sides clear information about water quality and whether additional remediation is advisable.
  1. Capital Investment May Be Unavoidable: Even if much of the public-side work is funded by D.C. Water, private-side service line replacement costs and restoration work may still fall to the property owner if the home still has lead service lines. Planning for both the expense and the logistics is key to be able to take advantage of this program being offered to D.C. homeowners. 

What This Means for Tenants

For renters, the changes bring clearer rights and fewer unknowns. Tenants no longer have to guess whether lead pipes serve their home; they can request testing, receive timely results, and rely on official disclosures when deciding where to live and how to protect their health.

Transparent communication with the landlord, responsiveness to testing requests, and participation in replacement programs turn regulatory requirements into real-world safeguards. In that way, landlord action directly shapes tenant trust, housing stability, and long-term public health outcomes.

At a moment when the District is investing heavily in its infrastructure, landlords who plan ahead and participate help to ensure that these public resources translate into safer housing, stronger neighborhoods, and a city better equipped for the future.

Why This Still Matters

Lead-free water shouldn’t be a luxury. Continued investment by federal and local governments in Washington, D.C.’s water infrastructure reflects a shared commitment to the city’s long-term health and livability. Modernizing service lines helps ensure that people can raise families here, age in place, and remain part of their communities without the added health concerns associated with lead exposure. 

Landlords who take the time now to understand, disclose, and plan for lead service line replacement not only comply with evolving expectations, but they also strengthen the long-term value and marketability of their properties.


Scott Bloom is owner and senior property manager of Columbia Property Management.

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Real Estate

Spring into sold

Budget-friendly ways to prepare your home for hottest selling season

Published

3 weeks ago

on

February 27, 2026

By

Painting your home is the cheapest, easiest way to improve its appearance when selling.

As the days grow longer and buyers re-emerge from winter hibernation, the spring market consistently proves to be one of the strongest times of year to sell a home. Increased inventory, motivated buyers, and picture-perfect curb appeal make it a prime window for homeowners ready to list.

The good news? Preparing your home for spring doesn’t require a full renovation or a contractor on speed dial. A few thoughtful, cost-effective updates can dramatically elevate your home’s appeal and market value.

Here are smart, inexpensive ways to get your property market-ready:

Fresh Paint: The Highest Return on a Small Investment

Few improvements transform a home as quickly and affordably as paint. Neutral tones remain the gold standard, but today’s buyers are gravitating toward warmer tan hues that create an inviting, elevated feel without overwhelming a space. Soft sandy beiges and warm greige-leaning tans provide a clean backdrop that photographs beautifully and allows buyers to envision their own furnishings in the home.

Freshly painted walls signal care and maintenance — two qualities buyers subconsciously look for when touring properties.

Removable Wallpaper: Style Without Commitment

For homeowners wanting to introduce personality without permanence, removable wallpaper offers a stylish solution. A subtle textured pattern in a powder room, a soft botanical print in a bedroom, or a modern geometric accent wall can add depth and character. Because it’s easily removed, it appeals to both sellers and buyers — creating visual interest without long-term risk.

Upgrade Light Fixtures for Instant Modernization

Outdated lighting can age a home instantly. Swapping builder-grade fixtures for modern, streamlined options is one of the simplest ways to refresh a space. Consider warm metallic finishes or matte black accents to create a cohesive, updated look. Proper lighting not only enhances aesthetics but also ensures your home feels bright and welcoming during showings.

Elevate Curb Appeal: First Impressions Matter Most

Spring buyers often decide how they feel about a home before they ever step inside. Refreshing curb appeal doesn’t require major landscaping. Simple updates such as fresh mulch, trimmed shrubs, seasonal flowers, a newly painted front door, and updated house numbers can dramatically improve first impressions. Power washing the driveway and walkways also delivers a clean, well-maintained appearance for minimal cost. Even if you don’t have a curb to appeal- think potted plants on your patio, balcony and change out your door mat.

Deep Clean & Declutter (Seriously, It Matters)

A deep, top-to-bottom cleaning is basically free and one of the most impactful things you can do. Scrub floors, windows, grout, baseboards, appliances, bathrooms, and everything in between. Don’t forget to clean windows inside and out — natural light is a huge selling point. Declutter by packing up excess stuff, clearing off countertops, and minimizing personal items so buyers can see the space, not your life.  

Let the Light Shine

Make your home feel bright and inviting by cleaning windows, opening blinds, and replacing dark or dated light fixtures with contemporary, budget-friendly options. Swapping in LED bulbs offers brighter light and lower utility costs — a small change that buyers appreciate.  Pro tip: I always recommend removing widow screens to allow as much light in as possible 

Neutralize Scents

Make sure the home smells fresh. Neutralizing odors — whether from pets, cooking, or moisture — creates a clean, welcoming atmosphere. Light natural scents like citrus or subtle florals can be inviting during showings. Think of how your favorite hotel smells and go for that. 

Spring market rewards preparation. By focusing on high-impact, low-cost improvements, sellers can position their homes to stand out in a competitive environment. With thoughtful updates and strategic presentation, homeowners can maximize both buyer interest and potential sale price — all without overextending their renovation budget.

As activity increases and inventory begins to rise, now is the time to prepare. A little polish today can translate into significant results tomorrow.


Justin Noble is a Real Estate professional with Sotheby’s International Realty Servicing Washington D.C., Maryland, and the beaches of Delaware.

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Advice

Dry January has isolated me from my friends

Is it possible to have social life without alcohol?

Published

3 weeks ago

on

February 27, 2026

By

Dry January has isolated me from my friends. (Photo by tilialucida/Bigstock)

Dear Michael,

Some of my friends and I decided to do Dry January.

The six of us are a posse, we’ve been friends for years. Many boyfriends and even a husband or two have come and gone but we get together all the time and travel together. 

I think we all agreed that drinking is too big a part of our social lives and thought we’d give Dry January a shot.

So … I am feeling better and it’s only been three weeks. 

I’ve actually lost a little weight, and it’s nice not to wake up with a hangover four mornings a week. I’m pushing 40 and no surprise, my body feels relieved.

But, I’m also the only one of us who is still doing it.

Which means they are all going out and I am not. So I am feeling lonely.

I could join them in going out but first of all, I don’t really want to hang out with them when they’re drunk and I’m trying to be alcohol free; and also, there’s a part of me that is afraid I will give in to temptation and have a drink. And then it will be back to business as usual.

But, I spent this past weekend, and every night this week, alone.

All of this has me thinking: what do I do in February? I really don’t want to start drinking again.

But, if I don’t, how do I stay part of my friend group? If they’re buzzed (or drunk) and I’m not, am I still going to fit in?

I’m disappointed in my friends. We were all in this together, I thought, but one thing after another came up for them. 

Some special event where “everyone was drinking,” a work dinner where “I didn’t want to deal with everyone’s questions about why I wasn’t drinking,” “too much work stress not to have a martini,” etc. In the end they were all laughing about it and now they’re basically poking fun at me and essentially betting how long I will last. That doesn’t feel good. It’s like the whole thing was a whim or a joke to them.

Also, heavy alcohol use is pretty typical of our community. If I’m not drinking then how do I have a social life?

Appreciate your thoughts.

Michael replies:

It can be hard to be different. For example, to be gay in a straight world, or not to drink in a world where alcohol plays such a big part.

I’m a believer in living in a way that respects whom you actually are. This means doing what you think is important to do, even when there are consequences you don’t like. Only you can decide the boundary where the consequences of your living with integrity become intolerable.

Yes, many gay men drink a lot. So if you decide you don’t want to hang out where alcohol is involved, you will be reducing your options for socializing.

Some possibilities:

  • Discuss this situation with your friends. Ask them if they’re willing to spend some time with you and without alcohol. (Not all the time — that would be way too much to ask, given that they clearly enjoy drinking.) Perhaps if you explain why your request is important to you, they’ll be willing to lean in your direction at least some of the time. That they’re now mocking you for not drinking suggests I am a bit too optimistic about this possibility. But who knows? And, what have you to lose by asking? 
  • See if you can tolerate hanging out with people who are drinking without picking up a drink yourself, and if you can actually enjoy such interactions. 
  • Start looking for some new friends. There are, in fact, lots of gay men in this world whose social lives don’t revolve around alcohol (or other substances.) 

On a separate but related note: given your fear that you will start drinking again, and your concerns about navigating life without alcohol, might you consider Alcoholics Anonymous to get some support?

I’ve seen AA and other 12-step groups help many friends and clients, and I think they work in two main ways.

First, attending meetings gives you support and a feeling of community. You’ll meet others who are working to be sober, hear their stories and share your own struggles with them. You’re likely to feel less alone in your effort to stop drinking, learn tools for staying sober, and make friends you can reach out to when you’re feeling vulnerable. You’ll also have a sponsor, your guide and advocate in the program, whom you talk with regularly.

Second, the program lays out “12 steps” of recovery that are a path to greater self-awareness and personal growth. Like good psychotherapy, the steps give you a framework for looking at your behavior patterns and taking responsibility for yourself. 

If you are intrigued, the best way to learn more is to attend several 12-step meetings. There are many in our area, including gay groups (for example, the Triangle Club.) As I mentioned, if you do get involved in AA, a side benefit is that you’re likely to make some new friends who share your desire to build a life without alcohol.      

Of course, making new friends does not have to mean cutting off your posse. But if you’re changing in ways that make them less of a great fit, it would be great to find some new folks who might be more on your wavelength to connect with.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C., Maryland, Virginia, and New York. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected]

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