Living

Better living through yoga

Local instructor finds body image salvation in eastern discipline

Published

15 years ago

July 28, 2011

By KEVIN NORRIS AND PAULA ATKINSON

For as long as I have known Paula Atkinson, she has lived and breathed the epitome of good health and body awareness. And as a very talented yoga instructor, she has been an inspiration to me since we first met. Here Atkinson shares her story of transformation and personal growth through a storm of body image issues.

My mother now declares she could see the switch in my consciousness around age 10. I had always been a swimmer and a diver. I had always been a girly-girl, reaching for the frilliest of dresses and wearing makeup to kindergarten. I had always been in the front row at tap dance class, climbing trees, making up dance routines in my bedroom to Janet Jackson’s “Control” album in its entirety.

Then suddenly, at age 10 I began wearing baggy T-shirts and an oversized jean jacket that I wore until it disintegrated. At age 10 I quit all water activities because I didn’t want to be seen in a bathing suit. At age 10, body shame had gotten hold of me. I was done with fancy dresses and dance classes. I was done swimming and I was done being a blithe little girl. I at once became an uncomfortable and embarrassed young person, constantly aware of the fact that I should be ashamed of myself. My body was now my enemy.

I found my only escape in food. The anxiety and humiliation I felt about my body needed soothing, so I ate. I overate. The shame of overeating made me eat. The shame I felt about my increasingly larger body made me eat. By age 16 I weighed 300 pounds and hated myself for being fat, pathetic and different. From the moment I awoke until I closed my eyes at night, I thought about nothing but my disgusting body and how I might get the kids at school to like me despite my glaring inferiority. I’d do anything to make them forget I was fat.

In 1997 I entered intensive treatment for bulimia, compulsive exercise and severe anorexia. I weighed roughly 80 pounds and could not walk up the stairs of the treatment center in less than 20 minutes. My body had eaten my muscles for fuel. The circles under my eyes were black and blue like bruises. My skin was grayish green and from my face it hung like wet laundry.

My fingers extended out from palms bony and wicked like a nightmare. My hair had almost completely fallen out, I kept it pulled back from the angled boniness of my face to hide bald spots. My mouth was so dry due to my dehydration that I had gaping sores at the corners of my pasty gray lips. I just ached.

Throughout my struggles with my body and food and exercise my mother practiced and then taught yoga in the quiet suburban California town where I was raised. Toward the end of treatment I began my own yoga practice. In order for an eating disorder to take hold, the sufferer must cut all communication with her body. From binging to vomiting to starving, I became more of just a busy, deluded, obsessive mind. I divorced my mind from my body very young.

What I discovered in yoga classes was mental stillness and actual compassion for my body. I relearned how to listen to its signals and act accordingly. What was revealed to me after a yoga class was a desire to stop hating my body. I saw that I’d blamed my body for everything that was wrong in my life and I wanted to stop.

And most impressive, the more I practiced the more often I was able to witness a sensation of enjoying being in my body. At first these experiences were fleeting and only during practice. But as I sought out various teachers, investigated different styles and eventually commenced my own teacher training, these magical moments began seeping into my everyday life.

For a gal like me, who had thought of her body as her betrayer and something that deserved only punishment, to have found a confirmed technique by which I might trust, care for, and enjoy my body is nothing short of a miracle. Yoga helps me love my body. It relieves me of the obsession of its size, focuses my attention on how it feels. Practicing and teaching yoga for a decade now, I am still regularly amazed that I can be freed from the oppression of neurotic thinking about my appearance. I can be present and at peace. I can know and trust that my body is not an adversary for me to control, but an extremely loyal partner that has gracefully forgiven me for a painful past.

As our culture manifests more body obsession, as our world witnesses more disordered eating in various ages, races, cultures, I find myself increasingly inspired to spread the magic. Now, I recognize that there are yoga styles that contribute to the problem. I’ve been in those classes and I’ve seen the sick people who are there to penalize themselves with exercise. But I trust that if yoga is practiced and instructed as it was intended: with compassion for oneself and one’s body, with openness and respect for an ancient art that is meant to bring about awakening, anyone can experience a miracle. Anyone can stop hating and fighting one’s body. Anyone.

Atkinson teaches yoga at Results Gym and Mint Fitness and can be reached through Kevin Norris.

Related Topics:gay health news Results Gym Yoga

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Autos

A magical Mercedes

S-Class continues to define what luxury really means

Published

2 weeks ago

May 23, 2026

Joe Phillips

Mercedes S-Class

At my stage of life — “somewhere between 40 and death,” as the iconic line goes in the musical “Mame” — I want some pampering. A lot of pampering.

Luckily, for anyone who constantly craves a soothing spa, steam room or sauna, there’s the completely updated Mercedes S-Class. This flagship sedan is now so full of glitz, glamour, and gee-whiz gadgetry, it gives new meaning to the term “auto erotica.”

Does this make the S-Class a “gay” ride? For me, any vehicle that pushes my buttons like this one is a Kinsey 6.

MERCEDES S-CLASS

$122,000 (est.)

MPG: 21 city/31 highway

0 to 60 mph: 4.3 seconds

Trunk space: 19 cu. ft.

PROS: Exceptional comfort. Ultra-quiet cabin. Cutting-edge safety.

CONS: Price climbs fast. Tech learning curve. Sportier competitors.

The S-Class continues to define what luxury really means, with a bolder silhouette, larger grille, and striking, next-gen LED headlights. There’s also an optional illuminated Mercedes star on the hood. Overall, nearly 2,700 parts are new or improved, so more than 50 percent of this vehicle has been updated. An extreme makeover, to be sure.

At the same time, this latest S-Class leans harder into intelligence and electrification than ever before. Under the hood, a range of turbocharged inline-six and V8 engines — paired with mild-hybrid systems — deliver power in a way that seems almost edited for smoothness. Braking is solid and strong, too, but never abrupt. All the engineering is fine-tuned and intentional.

Yes, the top-of-the line S580 version is more expensive, almost $140,000. But it’s also blisteringly fast, zipping from 0 to 60 mph in just 3.9 seconds. That’s as lickety-split swift as a Lamborghini Revuelto supercar, which has a starting MSRP of $610,000 and can easily exceed — yowza! — $800,000.

Colors? There are 150 to choose from for the exterior and 400 for the interior. You can even customize the illuminated door sills, interior stitching and wheel accents.

And the ride quality? Sublime. Adaptive air suspension reads the road constantly, leveling out imperfections before they even register. Rear-axle steering enhances maneuverability, making this full-sized sedan feel surprisingly nimble in tight spaces. On the highway, the S-Class simply glides like a private yacht on the calmest of seas — extremely quiet, composed and completely unbothered.

Whenever you slide inside, the cabin immediately sets the tone. A massive OLED digital display — the same high-def technology used for cinematic viewing and gaming monitors — anchors the dashboard, running the latest MBUX infotainment interface. Highly customizable, this software allows for advanced voice commands that feel natural, not forced. And an augmented-reality navigation system takes your route and overlays it onto live camera feeds. It’s intuitive — mostly, as there is a learning curve for all this cutting-edge gear. Overall, though, such amenities make older setups feel like dial-up internet.

A Burmester surround-sound stereo is available in 3D or 4D, with up to 31 speakers, 1,690 watts and tactile transducers in the seats that vibrate and pulse with the music. Those seats are, of course, extremely comfortable. And the seatbelts? These are now heated.

Let’s not forget the latest cabin air-filtration system, which can remove ultra-fine particles to deliver air quality that rivals medical environments. Clean air, yes, but even this seems like a special treat. It’s like being swaddled in couture, not ready-to-wear.

And lastly, there’s the rear-seat area, which — to be honest — is where the S-Class really shines. Executive packages offer multi-contour reclining seats with rapid heating and ventilating, heated armrests and massage functions. You can opt for a footrest, which ups the glam factor to give you a calf massage. Dual 13.1-inch display screens come with their own remote controls. There’s also a video-conferencing feature, to help transform the rear cabin into a fully connected mobile office. For me, it feels less “back seat” and more “private lounge.”

Even in fiction, high-tech luxury carries weight. Tony Stark helped cement the idea that state-of-the art vehicles can be aspirational, not just practical. The magical S-Class fits right into that narrative — minus the flying suit (for now).

Advice

I’m a 64-year-old single gay man and I hate my life

How can I turn things around before it’s too late?

Published

2 weeks ago

May 22, 2026

Michael Radkowsky

I’m officially old, maybe even nearing the finish line and I’m getting bitter.

Dear Michael,

I’m a 64-year-old single gay man and I hate my life.

I’ve never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months. I can’t say why. I don’t think I’m defective. I wasn’t unattractive when I was younger (still not bad looking), I think I’m an interesting person to spend time with, but everything always seemed to fizzle out.

Thankfully, I missed AIDS because I came out after people knew what to do. Sometimes I wonder if fear of contracting the virus metastasized into a fear of getting close. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve consciously kept people away. Consciously I have wanted someone to share my life with, very much.

With my 65th birthday and official senior citizen status approaching, I’ve been taking stock of my life and am coming to the hard realization that I’m never going to find that elusive partner.

I don’t go out anymore because people look right through me, except the ones who have a fetish for older guys. No one’s actually interested in me as me, a unique person rather than what they see on the surface.

I’m tired of my coupled friends. They’re always talking about “we.” Yes, I have become resentful that they have what I want and will never get. I know that’s not admirable but it’s how I feel, secretly, and I am sick of feeling like this when I am around them. So why be around them?

And I’m tired of my friends who are focused on sex all the time. It just all feels like a waste of time. I don’t get anything from a hookup anymore, they’ve been feeling increasingly meaningless. I feel like I’m someone’s momentary opportunity to get off, rather than any kind of real connection.

I’m just sick of the whole chase I’ve been doing for the last 40+ years.

I’m realizing that the whole thing has been pointless, a quest for a partner who is never going to materialize and a lot of diversions along the way that have added up to a despairing feeling that I’ve wasted my life trying to get something that will never happen.

Gay life hasn’t been so gay for me. And I’m officially old, maybe even nearing the finish line. Yes, if you haven’t noticed, I’m getting bitter.

What do I do with this dead end?

Michael replies:

How about looking for a different road to go down?

I’m not going to challenge your belief that you aren’t going to find a partner. I think it’s possible that you could, because there are other guys out there, in your age range, who are looking. But you have no guarantee, especially if you have decided to take it off the table.

So what else can you do with your life? How can you make your remaining time on this earth well-lived?

From your letter, it’s clear what you don’t want to do: Look for a boyfriend, hook up, or spend time with your current friends. Surely there must be more possibilities for your life than those options.

So my advice is to figure out some things you care about and start doing them. Travel? Volunteering? Getting a companion animal? Taking classes? Finding a new career? Those are just a few of the ideas I can come up with, but I don’t know you. What ideas can you generate, that you suspect you’d like to pursue?

In other words, start putting one foot in front of the other and go in some new directions that intrigue you enough to explore.

Sitting around feeling miserable does not help you to get anywhere. It keeps you feeling miserable. Sitting around waiting to feel better does not lead you to feel better. What would help you get to a better place would be to start taking action on your own behalf. Always keep in mind that while you are alive, with your faculties intact, you do have the choice to take this step, over and over and over again.

If you give yourself something (or some things) worthwhile to put your focus on, and do your best to shift your focus there whenever you notice that you are lamenting, I’m hopeful you will create a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

I’m also hopeful that if you are spending time doing things that you actually enjoy and that enrich your life, you may find more satisfying companionship than you are experiencing with your current friend group. (And yes, this could include a romantic relationship if you decide to be open to this possibility.)

A brief reply in an advice column can point you in the right direction, but it is likely not enough to sustain and motivate you through a major life overhaul.

Therefore, I suggest that you find a therapist to help you figure out how to move forward and what to move toward; and also to grieve, and put to rest as best you can, the loss of the life you hoped you would have.

I know that transcending the loss of a huge lifelong dream may seem impossible. But working toward this, as best you are able, would help you.

Relatedly, one more thing that I hope you can address with a therapist is your bitterness. I do understand why you feel so bitter, and I also think that it is torquing your life in a downhill direction.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C., Maryland, Virginia, and New York. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].