Arts & Entertainment
Breach of manners
New book explores why some things drive us crazy
‘Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That? A Modern Guide to Manners’
By Henry Alford
Twelve
$24.99
243 pages
Stop it.
Just cut it out. Quit snuffling, chomping your gum and snapping your fingers in people’s faces. Don’t be rude and don’t do that thing with your foot, OK? Stop with those annoyingly intrusive questions, and by the way, no one appreciates your disgusting bodily noises.
Why is it that manners are something we possess but no one else does? Why do some things bother us, while others don’t? And, as author Henry Alford asks with his new book, “Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?”
Why do we bother with manners? Henry Alford wondered that while he was in Tokyo. Japan, he says, is the “Fort Knox of the World Manners Reserve,” but we here in North America know a few things about that subject, too.
Scientists know, for instance, that we’re nicer to people we know. We define manners, not as protocol (a subset of mannerly behavior), but as sensitivity to others. Experts have hypothesized from where “Southern Charm” sprang. And when it comes to manners, we unequivocally say that we present good manners, while bad manners are what others have.
Of course, though, in our zeal to be polite, we do boneheaded things. We don’t think. We don’t listen. We say “no problem” instead of “thank you,” or we apologize insincerely or not at all. We bum-pat, hug (or are horrified by huggers), and we often eschew email etiquette.
So why are we this way? One of the reasons might be what doctors call “inattentional blindness,” which means that we’re too focused on other things, to the detriment of being nice. We might not be adept at small talk. We hide behind a group, an email alias or a Facebook page because we can.
There are things we can do about widespread rudeness, however. Summon your inner chat-ability at parties, but know that there are limits. Teach manners to your children. Pay attention to cultural differences. Cultivate the art of the smart (but ohhh-so-genteel) comeback.
“Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?” is a quirky book. It’s not exactly an etiquette book, although there’s advice in here. It’s not a how-to, either, unless you do a lot of reading between the lines.
This book is more of a look at how we behave (or don’t) and why it bothers author Henry Alford — and that last part is what makes this book worth a read: Alford is pretty good at being Everyman. Like him, aren’t we all grossed-out by unflushed public toilets? Don’t we all hate drivers with perpetually turned-on turn signals? Haven’t we all committed a faux pas that made us want to slink away?
This book holds a mirror up to our foibles and though it, too, has its impolite moments, it’s also got some laughs. I think if you’re rubbed wrong by rudeness, you’ll like it but beware — start reading “Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?” and you may not be able to stop.
Nightlife
In D.C. comedy, be sure to shop local
A thriving patchwork of queer-friendly stages in Washington, Baltimore
Most people know stand-up comedy from Netflix specials or late-night sets on Comedy Central. The reality is far different for local working comics like me. A few times a month, I might get paid $50 for a 10-minute set and my photo on a bar flyer to show off to the ladies in my scrapbooking club.
Still, it’s a joy sharing laughs about my well-worn Washington career arc — from conservative reporter to openly trans organic grocery store worker and nightclub comedian. Or, as I like to say onstage, from Fox to foxy.
Stand-up is hard. Offstage, it’s even harder. It took more than a year and nearly 80 open mics to land my first paid set. Since then, I’ve performed in coffee shops, bars, restaurants and even on a city sidewalk. I once performed in the Catskills, which felt like a big deal — even if it was a bigger deal in the 1950s.
As an older trans comic in Washington, I’ve found it nearly impossible to get stage time — or even the courtesy of a returned email — at the big, corporate-owned comedy clubs. Fortunately, there’s a thriving patchwork of queer-friendly producers in Washington and Baltimore creating shows that reflect the diversity of our communities, instead of straight male-dominated lineups that look like the cast of “Ice Road Truckers.”
“There are so many kinds of funny people, but a lot of barriers exist for women and queer people because it’s a very masculine culture,” said Dana Fleitman, who runs the Just Kidding Comedy Collective and is helping produce the Woke Mob Comedy Festival in April, featuring many women and queer comics.
Full disclosure: I’m not performing in the festival. But I am proud to be one of more than 50 women and nonbinary comics Fleitman and her colleagues have helped “train up” through an incubator program she first ran through Grassroots Comedy and now through Just Kidding Comedy Collective.
Another trans comic, Charlie Girard, who splits time between New York and Washington, runs an incubator program called Queers Can’t Take a Joke. He has trained more than 100 comics in Washington.
Girard has one rule: no punching down.
“The best comics speak truth to power,” Girard said. “Making fun of marginalized communities is simple lazy writing based on tired, old stereotypes.”
Ultimately, Girard wants to prepare students not just for queer rooms, but to find their voice and expand into all kinds of spaces.
Comics trained by Girard and Fleitman have gone on to produce or help run shows like Clocked Comedy, Backbone Comedy, the Crackin’ Up open mic and Funny Side Up. Several have found a home on Barracks Row at As You Are — one of my favorite places to perform. In Washington, comic Jenny Cavallero’s show Seltzer is a sober comedy night frequently featuring local queer comics.
In Washington, performer and producer Arzoo Malhotra, who runs Zoo Animal Productions, said it’s a critical moment to support community-based comedy producers, often the first hit by worsening economic conditions.
“We’re losing spaces faster than we’re creating them,” Malhotra said. “We are in the use-it-or-lose-it stage. If there’s a restaurant you like or a performer you want to keep seeing, patronize them now — because they’re going away.”
I’m also grateful for producers in Baltimore, which has a thriving queer comedy scene. Comic Hannah Alden Jeffrey’s monthly “The Really Cool Open Mic,” created for women and trans performers but open to all, regularly draws up to 100 people.
Hannah’s mic and Kenny Rooster’s “Dramedy” open stage have provided safety and opportunity when other stages felt out of reach. Comedians Michael Furr and Jake Leizear also produce shows regularly featuring queer comics.
“We started the REALLY COOL Open Mic because every other mic in town catered toward straight dudes that dominated the Baltimore scene,” Alden Jeffrey said. “Contrary to the lineups of many shows today, people don’t want to see a show of eight guys being bigots. Go figure.”
One of the most important moments for me came when I attended a free showcase at a well-known Adams Morgan club. Like other big venues, it hadn’t responded to emails from a new comic looking for a shot. I sat in the back row thinking maybe these comics were just way funnier than I am.
Then a straight male comedian — with hair even more gorgeous than mine — launched into a long joke comparing eating pizza to performing oral sex on a woman.
At that moment, I walked out feeling better about myself. I remember thinking: nope. I absolutely deserve to be on that stage, too.
Lots of us do.
Jamie Mack is a stand up comedian, speaker and writer. Follow them on Instagram at @jamiemack_blt or email [email protected].
Celebrity News
Liza Minnelli makes surprise appearance at GLAAD Media Awards
Laverne Cox’s fiery speech earned standing ovation
Last night’s GLAAD Media Awards had a few pleasant surprises in store.
Throughout the evening, which was hosted by “Mean Girls” star Jonathan Bennett on Thursday at the Beverly Hilton in Los Angeles, the audience was clued into the fact that a mystery guest would make an appearance. By the end of the night, it was revealed to be none other than “Cabaret” star and queer icon Liza Minnelli, who was in attendance to accept the newly-created Liza Minnelli Storyteller Award.
An emotional Minnelli told the crowd of queer attendees and creatives, “You make me so proud because you’re so strong, and you stand up for what you believe in. You really do, and it’s so nice to be here. I feel like a five-year-old!” Everyone then joined in a happy birthday celebration for Minnelli’s upcoming birthday on March 12, and the release of her upcoming memoir, “Kids, Wait Till You Hear This!”
Another moment that got the audience standing and cheering was when “Orange Is the New Black” star Laverne Cox took to the stage to call out how “what is going on right now in the United States of America is not right.”
She said, “Identify, I said this earlier, and I’m going to say it again, what dehumanizing language and images are. Call it out and don’t buy into it! So much of my struggle over the past several years [has been] trying to figure out how to combat this assault on my community, rhetorically. I do not want to have the conversation about my life and my humanity on the oppressor’s terms.”
That message was echoed by Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers when accepting the Stephen F. Kolzak Award for their “Las Culturistas” podcast and pledging to donate $10,000 to Equality Kansas after the state revoked transgender people’s driver’s licenses. “We cannot accept this award without condemning the rampant active transphobia from this administration,” Rogers said. “We are also here to let them know in advance that they are fighting a losing battle. When we gather in rooms like this, we are always going to have each other’s backs.”
Among the big winners last night were “Heated Rivalry” for outstanding new TV series, “The Traitors” for outstanding reality competition program, “Stranger Things” for outstanding drama series, “Palm Royale” (which was just cancelled after two seasons) for outstanding comedy series, “Come See Me in the Good Light” for outstanding documentary, “Kiss of the Spider Woman” for outstanding wide theatrical release film and a tie between “A Nice Indian Boy” and “Plainclothes” for outstanding limited theatrical release film.
Quinta Brunson received the Vanguard Award for her hit TV series “Abbott Elementary,” which features Jacob, an openly queer character played by Chris Perfetti. Brunson said, “Queer people have been a part of my life since birth. I have to shout out my uncle … who was the first example of representation in my life of queer people, who allowed me to be free. There are so many people in the room who changed my life.”
On the music side, Young Miko won for outstanding music artist, and KATSEYE won for outstanding breakthrough music artist. Demi Lovato even opened the show with a steamy performance of her single “Kiss.”
The GLAAD Media Awards will officially air Saturday, March 21 on Hulu.
Photos
PHOTOS: Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade
48th annual LGBTQ event held in Australian city
The 48th annual Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade was held on Feb. 28.
(Photos by Cori Mitchell)




















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