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Breach of manners

New book explores why some things drive us crazy

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(Image courtesy the publisher)

‘Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That? A Modern Guide to Manners’
By Henry Alford
Twelve
$24.99
243 pages

 

Stop it.

Just cut it out. Quit snuffling, chomping your gum and snapping your fingers in people’s faces. Don’t be rude and don’t do that thing with your foot, OK? Stop with those annoyingly intrusive questions, and by the way, no one appreciates your disgusting bodily noises.

Why is it that manners are something we possess but no one else does? Why do some things bother us, while others don’t? And, as author Henry Alford asks with his new book, “Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?”

Why do we bother with manners? Henry Alford wondered that while he was in Tokyo. Japan, he says, is the “Fort Knox of the World Manners Reserve,” but we here in North America know a few things about that subject, too.

Scientists know, for instance, that we’re nicer to people we know. We define manners, not as protocol (a subset of mannerly behavior), but as sensitivity to others. Experts have hypothesized from where “Southern Charm” sprang. And when it comes to manners, we unequivocally say that we present good manners, while bad manners are what others have.

Of course, though, in our zeal to be polite, we do boneheaded things. We don’t think. We don’t listen. We say “no problem” instead of “thank you,” or we apologize insincerely or not at all. We bum-pat, hug (or are horrified by huggers), and we often eschew email etiquette.

So why are we this way? One of the reasons might be what doctors call “inattentional blindness,” which means that we’re too focused on other things, to the detriment of being nice. We might not be adept at small talk. We hide behind a group, an email alias or a Facebook page because we can.

There are things we can do about widespread rudeness, however. Summon your inner chat-ability at parties, but know that there are limits. Teach manners to your children. Pay attention to cultural differences. Cultivate the art of the smart (but ohhh-so-genteel) comeback.

“Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?” is a quirky book. It’s not exactly an etiquette book, although there’s advice in here. It’s not a how-to, either, unless you do a lot of reading between the lines.

This book is more of a look at how we behave (or don’t) and why it bothers author Henry Alford — and that last part is what makes this book worth a read: Alford is pretty good at being Everyman. Like him, aren’t we all grossed-out by unflushed public toilets? Don’t we all hate drivers with perpetually turned-on turn signals? Haven’t we all committed a faux pas that made us want to slink away?

This book holds a mirror up to our foibles and though it, too, has its impolite moments, it’s also got some laughs. I think if you’re rubbed wrong by rudeness, you’ll like it but beware — start reading “Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?” and you may not be able to stop.

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Galleries

BMA celebrates enduring influence of Henri Matisse

Exhibit features iconic works juxtaposed with gay artist’s paintings inspired by French legend

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‘Tom’ by Louis Fratino (left) and ‘Large Reclining Nude’ by Henri Matisse (right) reveal the ways in which the legendary French visual artist influenced the young American painter, from the use of light and pattern to the choice to focus on everyday subjects.

The Baltimore Museum of Art is on a roll. 

After landing the coveted Amy Sherald “American Sublime” exhibit (through April 5) when the National Portrait Gallery attempted to censor her work, the BMA is debuting a breathtaking and thought-provoking new exhibit, “To See This Light Again” featuring master works by Henri Matisse paired with new paintings by Louis Fratino, who is inspired by the French modernist legend.

Fratino, who’s gay, was born in Annapolis and studied at Baltimore’s Maryland Institute College of Art. As an art student, he found himself spending lots of time in the BMA’s Matisse galleries, the largest collection of his works in the world, encompassing more than 1,600 paintings, drawings, and illustrations. At just 33, Fratino has enjoyed a “meteoric” rise in the art world, according to BMA Director Asma Naeem, who introduced Fratino at an event previewing the exhibit last week. This is Fratino’s first major U.S. exhibition, but he was featured in the 2024 Venice Biennale and his paintings can be found at the Rhode Island School of Design Museum, the Whitney Museum of American Art, and elsewhere. 

The exhibit aims to explore Matisse’s lasting influence by juxtaposing his works with Fratino’s. 

“It’s the idea that art manifests a kind of attention or a vision for your life, that it can be a beautiful life despite certain circumstances that may be happening around you,” Fratino said in a statement released by the BMA. “In Matisse’s case, he lived through the First and Second World Wars. Painting can confirm that life is beautiful and that it’s worth looking at.”

The influences are apparent, from the use of light and pattern to the choice to focus on everyday objects and subjects. And the exhibit is unabashedly queer with male couples depicted in a couple of paintings. Fratino told the Blade that as an out gay man, it was important to embrace that visibility. 

He describes a “joy of looking” at the male form, just as Matisse portrayed female figures that often celebrated the tradition of painting nudes. 

In “Tom,” Fratino captured his subject in casual repose that includes a bowl and spoon in the foreground. It is presented alongside Matisse’s iconic “Large Reclining Nude.” Tom’s checkered shirt echoes the blue and white grid background of the Matisse work and both figures are holding casual, relaxed poses. 

“Fratino and Matisse: To See This Light Again” runs through Sept. 6 at the Baltimore Museum of Art (artbma.org.)

For Matisse lovers, the BMA has another exhibit debuting March 29 titled, “Matisse in Vence: The Stations of the Cross” featuring more than 80 drawings revealing how the artist “shaped his late‑career masterpiece, the Stations of the Cross mural, for the Chapel of the Rosary in Vence, France.”

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Books

Laverne Cox, Liza Minnelli among authors with new books

A tome for every taste this reading season

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Spring is a great time to think about vacations, spring break, lunch on the patio, or an afternoon in the park. You’ll want to bring one (or all!) of these great new books.

So let’s start here: What are you up for?  How about a great new novel?

If you’re a mystery fan, you’ll want to make reservations to visit “Disaster Gay Detective Agency” by Lev AC Rosen (Poisoned Pen Press, June 2). It’s a whodunit featuring a group of gay roommates, one of whom is a swoony romantic. Add a mysterious man who disappears and a murder, of course, and you’ve got the novel you need for the beach.

Don’t discount young adult books, if you want something light to read this spring. “What Happened to Those Girls” by Carlyn Greenwald (Sourcebooks Fire, June 30) is a thriller about mean girls and a camping trip that goes terribly, bloodily wrong. Meant for teens ages 14 and up, young adult books are breezier and lighter fare for the busy grown-up reader.

If you loved “Boyfriend Material” and “Husband Material,” you’ll be eager for the next installment from author Alexis Hall. “Father Material” (Sourcebooks Casablanca, June 2) takes Luc and Oliver to the next step. First was dating. Then was marriage. Is it time for the sound of pitter-patter on the kitchen floor?

Maybe something even lighter? Then how about a book of essays – like “The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Gay” bycomedian and writer Eliot Glazer (Gallery Books, Aug. 11). It’s a book of essays on being gay today, the irritations, the joys, and fitting in. Be aware that these essays may contain a bit of spice – but isn’t that what you want for your reading pleasure anyhow, hmmm?

But okay, let’s say you want something with a little more heft to it. How about a biography?

Look for “Transcendant” by Laverne Cox (Gallery Books, June 9), or “Kids, Wait Till You Hear This” by Liza Minnelli (Grand Central Publishing, March 10), and “Every Inch a Lady” by Audrey Smaltz with Alina Mitchell (Amistad, July 14). Keep your eyes open for “Without Prejudice: My Life as a Gay Judge” by Harvey Brownstone (ECW Press, May 26) or “The Double Dutch Fuss” by Phill Branch (Amistad, June 2).

Then again, maybe you want some history, or something different.

So here: look for “Queer Saints: A Radical Guide to Magic, Miracles, and Modern Intercession” by Antonio Pagliarulo (Weiser, June 1) for a little bit of faith-based gay. Music lovers will want “Mighty Real: A History of LGBTQ Music, 1969-2000” by Barry Walters (Viking, May 12). Activists will want “In the Arms of Mountains: A Memoir of Land, Love, and Queer Resistance in Red America” byformer Idaho state Sen. Cole Nicole LeFavour (Beacon Press, May 26).

And if these books aren’t enough, then be sure to check with your favorite bookseller or librarian. They’ll have exactly what you’re in the mood to read. They’ll find what you need for that patio, beach towel, or easy chair.

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Music & Concerts

Gaga, Cardi B, and more to grace D.C. stages this spring

Shake off your winter doldrums at a local concert

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Lady Gaga plays Capital One Arena on March 23. (File photo courtesy of Might Real Agency)

D.C. shakes off its winter blues this spring as the music scene pops off. We all know the big star is coming: Lady Gaga will perform at Capital One Arena on March 23. But plenty of other stars, big and small, will grace D.C. stages, including many LGBTQ and ally artists.

March

3/15, 9:30 Club, St. Lucia – Indie electronic music project known for its synth-pop sound, which blends ‘80s influences with electronic and indie rock elements.

3/31, Lincoln Theatre, Perfume Genius – Indie/pop singer/songwriter Mike Hadreas, also known as Perfume Genius, has toured with a full band, but he is stripping things back for this tour.

April

4/8, Capital One, Cardi B. Cardi B, from New York, unapologetic and proud, is the first solo female artist to win the Grammy Award for Best Rap Album. This year, she’s on her Little Miss Drama Tour, in support of her second studio album, “Am I the Drama?”

4/13, Lincoln Theatre, The Naked Magicians. Australia’s The Naked Magicians are two performers who deliver live magic and laughs while wearing nothing but a top hat and a smile.

4/18, Capital One, Florence and the Machine. Longstanding indie rock back from Great Britain, much-loved for lead singer Florence’s powerful vocals. On their Everybody Scream Tour.

4/16, Capital One, Demi Lovato. Singer/songwriter from Texas, who came out as nonbinary, is traveling on her “It’s Not That Deep Tour.”

4/21, The Anthem, Calum Scott. Platinum-selling gay singer/songwriter Calum Scott released his latest project, Avenoir, last year. Scott rose to fame in 2015 after competing on Britain’s Got Talent, where he performed a cover of Robyn’s hit “Dancing on My Own“.

4/26, Atlantis, Caroline Kingsbury. American queer pop musician from Los Angeles. She released her debut album in 2021, and has two additional EPs. She’s played Lollapalooza 2025 and All Things Go 2025, as well as gone on a co-headlining U.S. tour with MARIS. Shock Treatment is her latest EP. 

4/26, Anthem, Raye. This bisexual artist, known for her current chart-topping “”Where Is My Husband!” single, blends pop, jazz, R&B, and more.

4/30, Union Stage, Daya. This bisexual singer/songwriter is on her “Til Every Petal Drops Tour,” touring the album of the same name that was released last year.

May

5/1, The Anthem, Joost Klein. Eurovision comes to D.C. in Joost Klein: Originally a Youtuber, he was selected to represent the Netherlands at Eurovision in 2024 with his song “Europapa.” He released a new album on New Year’s Day.

5/1, Fillmore, MIKA. MIKA is on his Spinning Out Tour. Born in Beirut and raised in both Paris and London, MIKA sings in multiple languages and has co-hosted Eurovision.

5/7, 9:30 Club, COBRAH. Clara Christensen, is a Swedish singer, songwriter, record producer, and club queen, making electronic dance music.

5/19, Atlantis, Grace Ives. New York-born singer/songwriter, known for her high-energy synth/electronic, bedroom-pop-style music.

June

6/2, The Anthem, James Blake. English crooner got big from his self-titled debut album in 2011. He won two Grammys and just released his 7th album,Trying Times, in March.

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