Advice
The bottom line
Marriage must be strong in other areas to overcome sexual incompatibility


Being willing to try to accommodate your partner sexually while also recognizing that itās unrealistic for your partner to meet all your wants and needs, is a good approach to successful marriage gay or straight, especially when there is sexual incompatibility issues. (Photo by Bigstock)
Dear Michael,
My husband and I recently decided to open up our relationship to resolve a top/bottom mismatch issue between the two of us. But in your recent column about open relationships, you wrote that hooking up to alleviate sexual boredom makes it unlikely that people will make the effort to improve sex with their long-term partners. While we want to get what weāve both been missing, we donāt want to endanger our marriage.
Weāre wondering if opening up our relationship because of top/bottom issues is an example of kicking the can down the road. Should we work harder to figure out some resolution between the two of us? Or is our having sex with other guys OK, as long weāre both getting fulfilled?
Michael replies:
Opening your marriage to resolve a top/bottom mismatch is a way for both of you to have the kind of sex you havenāt been having with each other, but it isnāt likely to do much good for your relationship, sexual or otherwise. When the hottest sex is happening outside of your relationship, your dedication to your marriage is likely to wane as you put your attention, fantasies and warm feelings elsewhere.
I suggest you consider a different approach.
For starters, letās normalize whatās going on in your relationship. Because every person has different interests and preferences, no couple can be a perfect sexual fit. Even if you start out on the same page, all people change over time, in all sorts of ways. So at some point, if you are committed to staying together, you will have to find a way to address your differences in a way that does not undermine your relationship. This is true for all couples.
Here are a few points for both of you to consider:
First, if your husband wants to be sexual with you in a way that does not interest you or that makes you anxious, consider being flexible and stepping out of your comfort zone in order to make sex more interesting for him (and perhaps also for you). While we donāt have to comply with our spousesā requests, sexual or otherwise, itās generally worth doing so ā unless you have a very good reason not to. Marriage is hard and itās made easier when both partners make ongoing earnest efforts to be collaborative.
Second, when your husband does not want to do what you are asking for, it may well be worth respecting his decision and accepting that you arenāt going to have all your sexual desires fulfilled in your relationship. Thatās life: we donāt get everything we want and at times we are bound to be disappointed by our partners, by our sex lives and by our relationships. When this happens, look for ways to see the good things that your relationship and your husband offer. While sex is important, there are other important components of a marriage. Are you there for each other in tough times? Are you pursuing a shared vision of living a meaningful life together? And is it worth endangering or leaving the relationship you have in order to pursue a hotter sex life?
Third, know that as we get closer to our partners, we are often increasingly less comfortable being intensely sexual with them. It can be scary to have someone be so close and know us so well because the closer we are, the more vulnerable we are. While we actually do have to be vulnerable if we are going to be in a relationship, we may make all kinds of moves, including limiting our sexual connectedness with our partners and opening our relationships, to keep what feels like a safe level of distance. But safety leads to boredom ⦠and more distance ⦠and more boredom. An antidote to this downward spiral: make moves to be closer, such as shaking up your sexual routine and roles, even if doing so makes you anxious.
There may well be ways for the two of you to work on this issue as a couple before taking a step that could negatively impact your marriage. And if you get stuck as you explore the possibilities, consider enlisting the help of a skilled couples therapist.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
Am I the only gay man who doesnāt sleep around?
Seeking friend group less interested in drugs, partying

Dear Michael,
I am a 22-year-old man and I am starting to hate being gay.
Itās not that I feel bad about being attracted to men. I would love to date a guy, get married, and spend my life with him. My problem is that the values of the gay men I am meeting have nothing to do with what I want in life.
Iāve been living in D.C. for almost a year now and pretty much all I come across are guys who want to have sex with as many hot men as possible. Ā
Relationships, commitment, and honesty donāt seem to mean anything, as far as I can tell. Iāve had guys in long-termĀ relationshipsĀ hit on me or propose threesomes with their partners. Ā My ex-boyfriend was hooking up on Grindr multiple times per week after we had agreed to be exclusive. When I found out, he told me that itās impossible for a gay guy not to sleep around.
What is it with gay men? Everyone seems to predominantly focus on sex. Whenever I go out to brunch with my gay friends, people are showing pictures and sometimes even X-rated videos of their latest hookups. Sex isnāt something special, just a recreational activity/competition. Ā
None of my straight friends act anything remotely like this.
Also, pretty much every gay man I spend time with seems to love getting trashed. Iām not anti-alcohol but I donāt see the fun in getting completely drunk regularly. Iām wary of recreational drugs but guys around me use them nonchalantly all the time. What kind of connection can you have with people around you when all of you are drunk or high on something?
Iāve tried to talk with my gay friends about how I feel but they respond like Iām from another planet, as if Iām questioning why they want to breathe oxygen.
I just think thereās a lot more to life than hooking up, that people should treat each other as more than just potential sex partners, and that sleeping around when Iām in a relationship doesnāt make for a great relationship. But I seem to be the only gay man I know who feels this way.
I donāt want to live the kind of life I see all around me. But I worry that unless I give up my values, Iām going to be lonely. Ā
Michael replies:
What kind of life will you have if you give up your values? Could you respect yourself or create a life that is meaningful and that you would enjoy?
We all face pressure to conform to those around us so that we will fit in.Ā Doing so is understandable.Ā As you describe, it can be lonely to be on the outside. But betraying who you actually are is a high price to pay for acceptance. Ā
This is why people come out.Ā And this is why, despite the peer pressure, you are the only person who should decide the kind of life you want to lead as a gay man.
There is little point in discussing the many possible reasons why many gay men dedicate so much time and energy to sex. Everyone is free to choose how they want to live and what they want to focus on. And this includes you.
You canāt change other people or a community. But Iām hopeful you can find a community of friends with whom you are a better fit. I know you are far from alone in feeling as you do, because I regularly hear stories similar to yours in my practice. So rather than settling, keep looking, and look beyond the ways in which you’ve made your social life so far. The friend group you develop may not be as large as your current circle of acquaintances. (Or it may be larger!) In any case, you’d likely find it far more nurturing, and a lot more fun, to spend time with others who are more like-minded. Ā
It is not easy to feel like the odd man out. And when you want a different life from what most of your peers are seeking, itās easy to doubt that you are OK. Iām sure you already know this from having grown up gay. Ā
When we come out, we have the hope that we will finally have a real peer group and wonāt feel so different anymore. But thatās not always the case. Gay men are not one homogenous group and many of us have to do some searching to find some people with whom we really connect. Ā
You are doing important work in thinking about who you are and how you want to live. I hope you will make the choice to honor your time on earth by living it authentically.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality.
Advice
Working from home is taking over our lives
We need to create boundaries and return to offices


Back in the late 1980s when I was a young financial analyst at a New York bank, Iād leave the office at five and go home to my little Upper West Side studio. With no cable, internet, or cellphone, a landline was my only connection to the outside word till I went back to work the next day.
What was it like? Tranquility is the word. Surrounded by Manhattan, I was as isolated as a monk in a cell, with uninterrupted hours to read a book, cook, or listen to an album. And of course I could go out on the town without a work crisis reaching out to ruin my plans.
Iāve been thinking back to those days a lot, lately. Working as a psychologist, Iām hearing more and more clients complain lately about how much time theyāre putting into their jobs. Folks have been working from home for a year now, and as the months have gone by, many of us are spending more and more hours on the job.
Whatās going on? I hear a few justifications.
First, many people tell me that they donāt feel they have an excuse not to reply when they get a text or email from a boss or colleague after normal work hours. After all, what else would they be doing? This is especially true of my single clients who donāt have children. Even dinnertime isnāt off limits.
Second, as the pandemic drags on and most of us have so few sources of fun and stimulation, people are turning more and more to their jobs for something ā anything ā to keep them occupied.
And, of course, thereās the reality that weāre working from our homes. Thereās no physical boundary keeping work at work.
So while itās great not to have to commute or wear pants, working from home is making it even easier for our jobs to take over our lives than they already were. Put bluntly, this sucks.
We all need a break from work. Every day. Your job likely isnāt paying you for 16-hour days. Even if it is, you need to have some fun, rest, and recharge your brain.
Of course we canāt shut ourselves off from the world as completely as I did in those pre-internet/cellphone days. But we need to draw a boundary, even if it means disappointing our employers and colleagues by doing so. Iām not talking about not doing your job. Iām just talking about setting a limit on how much of your life you are willing to give to your work.
Standing up for your own well-being can be scary. There may be real risks in terms of job security and compensation. Only you can decide for yourself when it is vital to say āno.ā But advocating for yourself is necessary at times. To quote Hillel, an ancient Jewish sage: āIf I am not for myself, then who will be for me?ā
Taking action on your own behalf is also a skill you want to develop, because it will help you in all areas of your life. If you canāt say ānoā in order to eat dinner uninterrupted, watch a movie youād like to see, spend time with someone you love or get a good nightās sleep, youāre going to get chewed up and spit out by others, quite a lot.
Recently, Iāve been reading that D.C.ās downtown is in danger of financial ruin. As many people may not be be returning to the office after the pandemic, some believe that the whole web of service businesses may collapse.
Iām hoping that the doomsdayers floating this theory are wrong, and that as the pandemic ends many of us will head back to the office, at least much of the time. We need to get back to setting a stronger boundary between work and the rest of our lives.
Yes, weāll be helping our city rebound. And weāll also be making a big step toward taking care of ourselves, by re-constructing a life thatās about way more than work.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com.
Advice
ADVICE: Despair vs. resilience in trying times
Coronavirus lockdown has many down but youāre stronger than you think


As the COVID-19 crisis goes on without our having any clarity about how or when this crazy situation will improve, most everyone I know is super-anxious about getting sick, fed up with being locked down or both. Is there a way for us to get through this any easier?Ā
Hereās a start: Acknowledge that there are no guarantees in life.
When we accept that life is going to throw all sorts of challenges at us and that there is sometimes nothing we can do to stop these challenges from coming, that leaves us with one great option: Work on becoming more resilient so we can better deal with the hard stuff, including the very hard stuff.
This is called resilience. Being able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and keep going forward. ClichĆ©, yes, but itās what we need to do if we donāt want life to beat us down.
Good news: resilience is a trait we are born with. As Iām writing these words, Iām watching my 4-month-old, who recently learned to turn from his back onto his belly, trying to turn from his belly onto his back. Heās been at this for days, and has succeeded just once. He keeps crying and trying. He wonāt give up. Thatās resilience.
Further good news: If youāre LGBT, you likely have already done some work in this area. All the difficulties that we experience as we grow up ā struggling to accept an identity thatās stigmatized, teasing, rejection and worse ā and here we are. How? All of us found a way to keep moving forward in our lives rather than letting circumstances defeat us.
Of course, this is pretty much true of anyone who has been through tough times and survived. Many of our elders who experienced the Depression, wartime, or worse tell us that they arenāt fazed by the virus or having to stay at home. Having endured previous struggles, they know they can do their best to endure this one.
Thatās what all of us must keep in mind now. Knowing that we have had the resilience to get through past difficulties can support us in getting through this new hard time.
Another important point to keep in mind: When we give our suffering meaning, it helps us endure the suffering. Reminding ourselves that striving to endure this tough period will make us even more resilient can actually help us to more easily endure it.
Other ways we can strengthen our own capacity for resilience:
Do our best to take care of ourselves, of course. When we eat well, find a way to exercise, get adequate sleep and take breaks from virus-worrying through meditation or just focusing on something pleasant or uplifting, weāre less anxious and better able to keep calm. The ability to soothe ourselves is key to being resilient.
Stay connected to people around us so that we donāt wind up feeling isolated and alone, which can deepen feelings of hopelessness. We all need supportive friends and family whom we can ask for assistance when we really need it to survive. Knowing that they are there is part of feeling resilient. And if weāre able to help others in some way ā dropping off groceries for an elderly relative or neighbor, or simply being willing to listen ā weāre likely to feel stronger and more able to cope.
Appreciate what we have. This can include a roof over our head, food to eat, people and companion animals we love and simply being alive right now. Doing will serve us much better than lamenting.
While none of us will live forever, we all want to stay in the game as long as we can. Striving to be resilient can help us keep going forward through life with the belief that if itās possible to survive, we have a good shot at doing so. And that belief can give us hope, determination and a positive outlook.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay individuals and couples in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com.Ā
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