For Valentine’s Day, I was planning to write a column about shifts we can make in our attitudes and behaviors to strengthen our love relationships and deepen our connection with our partners.

Then, over the past few weeks, as I’ve been listening to many of my clients express their concerns about the state of our country and our world, I realized that much of what is required to have a great relationship can also help us get through the difficult times we live in.

So here are some principles that I hope will help you to navigate both the challenges of being in a close relationship and the challenges of uncertain times. 

These principles overlap because they are all components of an approach to living that focuses on developing and maintaining agency over your life, and working to strengthen your resilience. The more solid you are, the better you can get through the hard stuff.

Strive to behave with integrity, in a way that you respect. You are likely to feel a lot better about yourself if you do what you believe is right, rather than betraying your values out of fear or to please others. The playwright Lillian Hellman, pressed to appear before the House Committee on Un-American Activities in 1952 and “name names,” said it well: “I cannot and will not cut my conscience to suit this year’s fashions.” (Of course, only you can decide how to balance possible consequences with the importance of honoring your principles.)

Stand up for what you believe in. Being quiet out of fear or concern for what others will think leaves us feeling like helpless victims. And you cannot have an intimate relationship when you don’t let your partner know important parts of who you are. 

Strive to be non-reactive. Do your best to not let others (or circumstances) press your buttons so that you lash out, rather than responding thoughtfully and with deliberation, based on your values.

Strive to always soothe your anxiety. The philosopher Viktor Frankl wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” When someone or something is starting to make us crazy, the best first move we can make is to quiet ourselves. Doing so allows us to think how to best respond.

There’s a great saying from Twelve Step programs: “If you want to have self-esteem, behave in esteemable ways.” You are more likely to do so when you first calm yourself, rather than exploding with anxiety or rage.

Strive to tolerate discomfort: Sometimes we can’t do much about what is making us uncomfortable or causing us distress. Our partner may not change in ways we would like; our job situation may be rough; we may face hostility in the outside world. Identifying how we can deal with challenges and difficult circumstances in a way that helps us become stronger and more resilient can often help us to weather them a bit more easily. 

Strive to tolerate uncertainty: There really are no guarantees about anything important in life. That’s the way it goes. We can’t know how things will turn out —neither our relationships nor our lives nor the fate of humanity. So if we are to construct a meaningful life, we have no choice other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing our best to respond thoughtfully and to have an impact when and where we can, without knowing the outcome.

Strive to stay anchored in reality, not lost in feelings.  When we let our feelings run the show, it’s easy to get spun up and reactive. While our feelings are a source of information, they are not reality. All sorts of things—our pasts, the distortions of social media, what people around us are doing and saying—can contribute to how we feel about a situation. 

Yes, it’s always a good idea to be aware of our feelings. But before acting on them, calm yourself, get some clarity about why you may be feeling what you’re feeling, and think about how reality lines up (or doesn’t line up) with what you’re feeling. In other words, aim to keep the big picture in mind.

Remember that you cannot change others, but you may at times be able to influence them. For example, when I first became vegetarian, I wanted to push my friends to adopt a vegetarian diet by “enlightening” them about the misery of factory farms and the environmental cost of raising animals for food. I soon realized that lectures and judgment are not a great way to change minds. Serving delicious vegetarian food for a dinner is more helpful. So think about how you can reach out to someone or to others with different views, in a way that they are more likely to hear you. 

Obviously, there are limits to this approach. There may be times when you aren’t going to be heard, no matter how you say what you have to say.  The point at which we shift from reaching out to someone to taking a “don’t tread on me” stance can be tricky to discern, and the decision to make that shift should be taken thoughtfully and with appreciation of possible consequences.

Keep your focus mainly on what you can do about a situation. Focus less on what the other person is doing wrong, or not doing. While you have little or no power over others, you have a lot of power over yourself.  Thinking about what you can do to effect at least some of the change you would like, in your relationship or your community or our world, is an antidote to feeling powerless.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].)

As Valentine’s Day approaches, our thoughts often turn to love. While we may think of candlelit dinners or romantic gestures, love extends beyond relationships—it’s about the spaces we inhabit and how we nurture our connection to them. Loving where you live can have a profound impact on your well-being, and for renters in Washington, D.C., transforming an apartment into a cherished home is not only possible, but also can feel essential.

Washington, D.C., offers a vibrant lifestyle, but it can also pose challenges for renters. High costs, stressful work environments, limited space, and the very nature of urban living might make it harder to settle in. However, with some thoughtful adjustments, you can turn your rental into a space you love. Let’s explore how to create a home that’s a sanctuary, not just a stopover.

Personalize Your Space

One of the first steps to loving where you live is making it feel uniquely yours. Although renting may come with restrictions, there are plenty of ways to customize your apartment:

• Add Color: Use removable wallpaper or peel-and-stick decals to introduce vibrant or calming hues. Area rugs are another excellent way to bring warmth and character to any room.
• Display Your Story: Showcase meaningful art, family photos, or souvenirs from your travels. Gallery walls can make even a small space feel personal.
• Lighting Matters: Replace harsh overhead lighting with floor or table lamps to create a cozy ambiance. Use LED bulbs to save energy and customize brightness levels.

Embrace Multifunctional Furniture

City living can impose limited square footage and multifunctional furniture is your best friend. Look for pieces that serve dual purposes:

• A storage ottoman can double as seating.
• Fold-out tables save space while offering dining or work surfaces when you need them.
• A quality sofa bed is perfect for accommodating guests 

Incorporate Plants and Greenery

Bringing nature indoors can instantly uplift your mood and enhance your living space:

• Low-Maintenance Options: Snake plants, pothos, and succulents thrive with minimal care.
• Vertical Gardens: If floor space is limited, consider wall-mounted planters.
• Window Sills: Herbs like basil or mint not only look and smell good, they are useful for cooking.

Create Comfortable Zones

Think about how you use your apartment and design dedicated areas:

• Work Corner: With remote work becoming increasingly common, invest in a comfortable chair, desk, and good lighting.
• Relaxation Spot: A corner with a plush chair, blanket, and books can be your go-to for unwinding.
• Entertaining Area: Even small spaces can shine with the right setup for hosting, such as a stylish bar cart or foldable chairs.

Maintain and Refresh Regularly

A clutter-free and clean apartment naturally feels more inviting:

• De-clutter quarterly, donating or discarding items you no longer use.
• Use storage systems to stash things away you do not need regularly 
• Add seasonal touches like new cushions or throws to keep your space feeling fresh.
• Invest in quality cleaning tools to make upkeep easier.

Discovering the Loveable Side of D.C.

Beyond your apartment, Washington, D.C., is a city rich in experiences that make life here unique. Embracing the D.C. lifestyle can deepen your connection to where you live. Here are a few affordable and distinctly D.C. activities to enjoy this Valentine’s Day month:

Loving Life in D.C.

1. Explore Hidden Gems:

• The United States Botanical Garden: Even though it is the middle of winter, the Conservatory on the grounds of the U.S. Capitol is a wonderful place to get out of the cold.  And a bonus – it is the time of year when orchids are in bloom. Enjoy a touch of a tropical environment right in downtown DC.
• Kennedy Center’s Millennium Stage: Enjoy free performances showcasing local and international talent. Every day, usually at 6 p.m., you can see artists from around the world in the central hall at the Kennedy Center. And all you have to do is get there in time! Check out the entire program here:  https://www.kennedy-center.org/whats-on/millennium-stage 

2. Taste D.C.’s Diverse Cuisine:

• Sample global flavors at Union Market. https://unionmarketdc.com 
• Grab a half-smoke from Ben’s Chili Bowl, a true local original, on U Street, H Street, and other locations citywide.

3. Embrace the Outdoors:

• Walk or bike the Mount Vernon Trail along the Potomac River; the Capitol Crescent Trail on the west side, and the newer trail, the Metropolitan Branch Trail that runs from Union Station to Silver Spring.
• Visit Malcolm X Park (also known as Meridian Hill Park) for its cascading fountains, lively drum circles, snow ball fights, and more!  

4. Dive Into History:

• Tour the lesser-known exhibits at the Smithsonian Anacostia Community Museum, the National Museums of Asian or African Art, and the incredible Renwick Gallery of American Art opposite the White House.
• Explore the Frederick Douglass National Historic Site for a deeper understanding of D.C.’s role in history.  https://www.nps.gov/frdo/index.htm 

5. Enjoy Affordable Culture:

• Attend pay-what-you-can nights at local theaters like Studio Theatre, Woolly Mammoth Theatre Company, or Theatre J located in the Jewish Community Center at 16^th Street and Q Streets, NW.
• Take advantage of free museum access year-round, from the National Gallery of Art to the Hirshhorn Museum.

Building a Life You Love

Loving where you live isn’t just about the walls that surround you—it’s about the life you create within them. By personalizing your apartment and immersing yourself in the unique experiences D.C. offers, you’ll better foster a personal sense of belonging and joy. This Valentine’s Day, remember to nurture not only your relationships, but also your relationship with your home and your city. After all, love begins at home.

Scott Bloom is owner and senior property manager of Columbia Property Management. For more information and resources, go to ColumbiaPM.com

D.C. offers some of the most extensive programs for down payment assistance that are managed by the Greater Washington Urban League and the DC Housing Finance Authority, for programs like HPAP and EAHP (Home Purchase Assistance Program and Employer Assisted Housing Program). 

The District also offers the DC Opens Doors Program. All of these are great examples of offerings to help first-time or newer home purchasers to afford buying in the District of Columbia, one of the nation’s most expensive housing markets. 

There are various requirements for a buyer to use the program. These can be found at dhcd.dc.gov/service/homeownership. Many qualified local lenders are knowledgeable about these programs and can assist in dozens of these transactions each year. Often, asking a lender about these programs is a great place to start. Tina Del Casale with Sandy Spring Bank has been helping her clients with these programs for years. As part of her education outreach for clients, Tina informs her buyers of the following:

• In the HPAP and the EAHP program, the seller must provide the opportunity for the buyer to perform a home inspection with a qualified home inspector.  
• The items that are flagged as “must repairs” need to be fixed by the seller.  
• The buyer must get their financial documentation to the lenders involved, as well as to the District of Columbia to be approved to use the program.  
• Whichever organization or department is managing the down payment assistance fund disbursal will also be involved in the process. 
• Ideally, it takes about 45-60 days from the date of ratification (going under contract) to close (the settlement date) 
• The lenders help to qualify/approve the condo buildings for financial health, ensuring that the finances within the building are being maintained by the homeowner association.

What happens, often, is that the process goes smoothly until the organization that manages the down payment assistance funds receives the file. The closing date can be extended time and time again, causing both the buyer and the seller to recalculate moving dates, moving trucks, packing, when to move funds around, whose home they will be sleeping at after the 3^rd or 4^th delay, and wondering if the seller is going to become so agitated with the entire process that they begin to Google search the term “small claims court.” In a recent instance, the buyer was delayed about four times over the holidays and when the file was ready to close, they were informed that the settlement had to be the following day. So, it was a situation of delay, delay, delay, delay, delay, delay, delay, and do this NOW, which means a buyer must coordinate (for the maybe 3^rd time) a day off of work and recalculate their entire schedule at the last second to accommodate an organization that seems to have made few efforts to stay in communication along the way.

These delays make the buyer less competitive to win an offer and can make a planned purchase fail due to the failure of the buyer to perform. Nobody wants to be told their house will sell and then must make alternative plans when they realize the contract is not going through, OR there will be a significant delay by up to one to three months. 

How can we make this process more user friendly? If we could, developers might be more motivated to make affordable housing units available for more people, knowing that the process of selling a unit won’t cause interminable delays and headaches for all parties involved.  Buyers must be fully vetted financially before submitting an offer. Is there a way to fully vet the down payment assistance funds, that they arrive in escrow at the title company a week or two before settlement so that all parties can plan their lives accordingly? 

Self-awareness as an organization is crucial for knowing where blind spots exist, how they can be looked at, and how a decent process can be improved to fulfill its own goal of helping buyers get into homeownership. Perhaps an exit interview or feedback form could be sent to each buyer after purchase and looked at for suggestions for improvement.

Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. Reach him at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].