Advice
Too soon to settle down?
Best to be honest with high school sweetheart


Feeling trapped?
Dear Michael,
My partner Craig and I have been inseparable since middle school and came out together as a proud gay couple in high school. Our parents are overwhelmingly supportive as are our friends. They all have so much invested in our relationship and itās getting to be so much pressure! What nobody knows is that I have been feeling trapped over the last year or so, as though I don’t ever remember actually making a decision to spend my life with Craig.
Craig is a great guy and I love him. However, he’s now talking marriage and kids. I realize that’s the next logical step and I don’t know why I’m so hesitant. We mostly have a great time together with many shared interests. We are both good about household chores and encourage each other in fitness/health goals. We are still great in the bedroom and try new things with each other to keep it interesting.Ā I find him more physically attractive than ever, but neither of us has ever had another sexual partner.
Am I missing out? Everyone else I know has dated many people before settling down. I don’t want to end our relationship or our lifelong friendship, but I can’t shake the feeling that when I am 50 I will regret not having dated other people. Should I put my life up to the vote of well-meaning friends and family? Craig and I usually have great communication, but this issue has me too terrified to openly discuss it with him because I’m afraid of what this means.
Michael replies:
You are wise to be trying to decide for yourself whatās right for you rather than responding to pressure from others. Before you get married or have a child, you definitely want to have both feet in.Ā Iād like to offer a few ideas to help you move forward.
You say that youāre terrified to be on a different page from Craig, but I want to reassure you that nothing is wrong. People often arrive at different life stages at different times and now that is happening to the two of you. It makes sense that you might be hesitant to marry your first and only boyfriend whom youāve been with since middle school, just as it makes sense that Craig might be ready to tie the knot after so many years together.
If you keep all this to yourself, youāre likely to continue to feel trapped. But if you talk, youāll be taking a risk because you donāt know how Craig will respond. Maybe heāll recognize that youāre making a brave and intimate move to let him know you better and the two of you will have the opportunity to learn how to be a strong couple despite having some differences. But he may also be hurt by your revelation.
You face a similar dilemma if you choose to date other guys.Ā While you may get the clarity and life experience that youāre seeking, you may also put your relationship with Craig at risk.Ā Again, you will have to take a chance.
I understand your concerns about missing out by not dating other people, given that you met so young and Craig is the only person youāve ever been with. Know that there are many couples who meet when they are young and happily spend their lives together, even if they havenāt been with others. Also keep in mind that there probably is no ābestā partner out there; everyone has some pros and some cons and a relationship that pushes you to take risks in order to grow, just as is happening now with Craig, is a good thing.
Life forces all of us to make big decisions without knowing the outcome. You can only do your best to determine what is most important to you and accept that it is impossible to get everything you want in one person. You and Craig have a lot going for you. I encourage you to see your situation as an opportunity to become stronger by learning how to navigate some difficult challenges. And please remember that part of your growth will come from tolerating a fair amount of tension as you take the time to figure this out.
Finally, if you get stuck, a therapist who is skilled in relationship issues can help you find your own direction. I wish you and Craig the best.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D, licensed psychologist, specializes in gay couples counseling and individual therapy in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
Gay clone wonders if heās part of an ant colony
Why do we cede control of our social lives to others?

Michael,
Looking at some photos from my weekends at the beach this summer, it struck me that me and my friends (gay men in our 30s-40s) all pretty much look alike. Practically the same haircut, gym body, swimwear, smile.Ā I almost couldnāt tell who was who.
This got me thinking. I live in the same apartment building as a lot of my friends. We all have similar furniture and watch the same shows and eat at the same restaurants and go to the same clubs and dance to the same music and drink the same drinks and vacation in the same places and work out at the same gym and belong to the same sports leagues and go to the same concerts and have the same routines.
Iām not even sure who makes the decisions about what to do.Ā Something is popular, or becomes popular, and it seems like fun and weāre all doing it.Ā Then itās on to the next thing.Ā But who is deciding what all of us are doing, not doing, or no longer doing?
I think Iām happy, generally, having fun, but I have this strange feeling like Iām part of an ant colony instead of being an individual.
Is this just the way it is? We find our tribe and then weāre all going through life together like this?
Michael replies:
I think you are facing an unavoidable dilemma that comes with being human. How much do you give up your own individuality to fit in? Put differently, what price are you willing to pay, to live an honest life and be known as the person you really are?
Did you come outāwhich takes great effort and brings some risksāto live a life that is right for you? Or to live pretty much the same life that your friends are living?
If you are happy doing all the same things as your friends, without even knowing for sure why youāre spending your time (that is, your life) doing these things, no problem.
But you feel like youāre part of an ant colony. So clearly, this way of living doesnāt sit all that well with you.
What would you be doing if you werenāt following the group agenda? How would you cut your hair? Would you go to the gym as much? What shows would you like (or not like) to watch? Where would you vacation? Do you like the drinks youāre ordering?
And some more important questions: What do you deeply care about?Ā What are your values? What are the sorts of things you want to dedicate your life to? Are you living in a way that reflects any of this?
This may be the only life you get. Using it well (in my view, at least) means deciding for yourself who you want to be and how you want to live.
Sometimes people are afraid to be different out of fear that they wonāt fit in with their friend group. People often tell me theyāre worried they will be criticized or viewed negatively for wanting to do things that are different from what āeveryoneā likes to do. No one wants to be left out of parties or dinners or vacation plans.
Do you think your friends would still want to spend time with you if you werenāt always on board with āthe plan,ā or suggested some new ideas for activities that you were genuinely interested in?
Itās possible that if you start developing more of an individual identity, you might fit in less with some (or even all) of your friends. Feeling lonely or unpopular is not fun.Ā You may have to decide if thatās better or worse than putting on a persona to fit in and be accepted.
Itās also possible that you can be more thoughtful about what you do, sometimes say ānoā and still be part of your friend group.
Even if your friends arenāt always on the same page, Iām hopeful you can continue to have close relationships with at least some of them. A real friendship should be able to tolerate different views and different interests. How could it be otherwise, when all of us are different in some big ways, even from our closest friends?
Thinking about your dilemma through this lens, you could view sharing more of yourself with your friends and letting them know you better as an invitation for greater closeness.
If you make any moves along these lines, perhaps you will find that some of your friends have similar feelings. You might be less alone than you think.
In any case, you will be choosing a more honest life and the opportunity to be known for whom you really are.
(Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].)

Dear Michael,
My dad died a few years back and lately my mom, who lives alone, is in frail shape. She lives about two hours away and Iām doing the bulk of the caretaking. This includes visiting her weekly, grocery shopping, managing her medical appointments, and arranging/monitoring her home health aides. I love my mother but I am getting overloaded with the responsibilities.
I have a brother, Jeff, who actually lives a lot closer to mom than I do. Heās straight, married, and has three young-ish children. And heās not doing a lot to help.
My mom doesnāt ask Jeff for much because she ādoesnāt want to botherā him. He doesnāt volunteer to do almost anything, and Iām reluctant to push him because I know he works insane hours (typical lawyer) and has lots of family responsibilities.
Iām not straight, Iām not partnered, I have no kids, and I didnāt choose a demanding career. But does this mean I have to do the lionās share?
It seems like my family thinks my life isnāt as important as Jeffās.
I have great friends whom I love to spend time and travel with. Iāve had a lot less time to do that for the past 18 months. Also, Iāve been single for a long time. I want a relationship, but I donāt have time to be looking when Iām spending most weekends out of town taking care of mom.
I keep putting my needs aside, because if I donāt, my momās going to suffer. But Iām getting increasingly resentful. I donāt see a great way out of this situation. Do you have any suggestions?
Michael replies:
Yes, I have some suggestions to help you stop feeling so helpless and resentful.
First: Maybe your family thinks your life isnāt as important as Jeffās, and maybe they donāt. But you definitely treat your life as less important, by not setting any kind of boundary.
Waiting for your mom and Jeff to honor a boundary that you arenāt setting is not a great idea. You canāt expect other people to do more for you than you are willing to do for yourself.
I get that you donāt want to upset or guilt your mom, or put too much pressure on Jeff when he has lots of family and job responsibilities. But sometimes youāve got to choose between possibly upsetting others, or feeling resentful and not having time to live your own life. Not an easy choice, and not an avoidable dilemma.
If you do ask your mom and Jeff for what youād like from them, keep in mind that your power to influence other people is limited. In other words, while you can definitely ask them for what you want, you canāt ensure they will do what you ask.
If your mom and Jeff donāt change their behavior, youāre not out of luck, not a bit. Because there is one person whom you can greatly influence to improve the situation.
Of course, Iām talking about you. This is your life to live, and you get to set a boundary around what you are willing to do for others.
Just for example: Maybe you donāt want to visit mom every weekend, so that you have some time for yourself. Maybe you want to leave some things undone some of the time, such as a grocery run. Would mom survive if you missed a weekend visit here and there? Would Jeff (or one of your motherās aides) step up if you werenāt available to buy the groceries occasionally?
If I were working with you in therapy, I have a sense that at this point, you would argue with me that it isnāt possible for you to stop doing any of the things you’re doing.
If Iām right about this, youāve likely got some things to figure out before you can tolerate making changes. This brings us back to the interesting question of why you might believe that your life isnāt all that important.
A few questions for your consideration:
- What might be difficult or scary about setting a boundary?
- What would you think about yourself if you did put yourself first?
- Do you think that only you can/will make sure everything gets done right?
- Is putting aside your own needs a familiar behavior?
- What might be appealing about doing so?
- Why might you believe you are āless thanā?
One more point: Donāt stop doing things for your mother just because youāre angry or resentful. You donāt want to act merely out of strong emotion, because then youāre not really in charge. Itās always a good idea to thoughtfully choose how you want to behave.
So, one more big question to ask yourself, here and always: What are your own standards for yourself, and how do you adhere to them so that you live your life in a way that you respect?
(Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].)
Advice
Am I the only gay man who doesnāt sleep around?
Seeking friend group less interested in drugs, partying

Dear Michael,
I am a 22-year-old man and I am starting to hate being gay.
Itās not that I feel bad about being attracted to men. I would love to date a guy, get married, and spend my life with him. My problem is that the values of the gay men I am meeting have nothing to do with what I want in life.
Iāve been living in D.C. for almost a year now and pretty much all I come across are guys who want to have sex with as many hot men as possible. Ā
Relationships, commitment, and honesty donāt seem to mean anything, as far as I can tell. Iāve had guys in long-termĀ relationshipsĀ hit on me or propose threesomes with their partners. Ā My ex-boyfriend was hooking up on Grindr multiple times per week after we had agreed to be exclusive. When I found out, he told me that itās impossible for a gay guy not to sleep around.
What is it with gay men? Everyone seems to predominantly focus on sex. Whenever I go out to brunch with my gay friends, people are showing pictures and sometimes even X-rated videos of their latest hookups. Sex isnāt something special, just a recreational activity/competition. Ā
None of my straight friends act anything remotely like this.
Also, pretty much every gay man I spend time with seems to love getting trashed. Iām not anti-alcohol but I donāt see the fun in getting completely drunk regularly. Iām wary of recreational drugs but guys around me use them nonchalantly all the time. What kind of connection can you have with people around you when all of you are drunk or high on something?
Iāve tried to talk with my gay friends about how I feel but they respond like Iām from another planet, as if Iām questioning why they want to breathe oxygen.
I just think thereās a lot more to life than hooking up, that people should treat each other as more than just potential sex partners, and that sleeping around when Iām in a relationship doesnāt make for a great relationship. But I seem to be the only gay man I know who feels this way.
I donāt want to live the kind of life I see all around me. But I worry that unless I give up my values, Iām going to be lonely. Ā
Michael replies:
What kind of life will you have if you give up your values? Could you respect yourself or create a life that is meaningful and that you would enjoy?
We all face pressure to conform to those around us so that we will fit in.Ā Doing so is understandable.Ā As you describe, it can be lonely to be on the outside. But betraying who you actually are is a high price to pay for acceptance. Ā
This is why people come out.Ā And this is why, despite the peer pressure, you are the only person who should decide the kind of life you want to lead as a gay man.
There is little point in discussing the many possible reasons why many gay men dedicate so much time and energy to sex. Everyone is free to choose how they want to live and what they want to focus on. And this includes you.
You canāt change other people or a community. But Iām hopeful you can find a community of friends with whom you are a better fit. I know you are far from alone in feeling as you do, because I regularly hear stories similar to yours in my practice. So rather than settling, keep looking, and look beyond the ways in which you’ve made your social life so far. The friend group you develop may not be as large as your current circle of acquaintances. (Or it may be larger!) In any case, you’d likely find it far more nurturing, and a lot more fun, to spend time with others who are more like-minded. Ā
It is not easy to feel like the odd man out. And when you want a different life from what most of your peers are seeking, itās easy to doubt that you are OK. Iām sure you already know this from having grown up gay. Ā
When we come out, we have the hope that we will finally have a real peer group and wonāt feel so different anymore. But thatās not always the case. Gay men are not one homogenous group and many of us have to do some searching to find some people with whom we really connect. Ā
You are doing important work in thinking about who you are and how you want to live. I hope you will make the choice to honor your time on earth by living it authentically.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality.
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