May 29, 2015 at 11:47 am EDT | by Kate Clinton
You can get gay-married but you can’t have the pizza
Kate Clinton, gay news, Washington Blade

Kate Clinton is a humorist who has entertained LGBT audiences for 30 years.

This Gay Pride Month, the month formerly known as June, I predict that the Supreme Court will issue a narrow ruling, based on sex discrimination, in favor of federal marriage equality.

Of course, it could go the other way, but I think Justice Roberts does not want to besmirch his legacy with such small potatoes. I also think he wants to make nice so he can issue a heinous decision to gut the Affordable Care Act, thus valorizing my pre-existing condition over your pre-existing condition.

We should know in late June and be ready to riot in the streets or party like we’re the Secret Service.

If it’s a party, once we’ve sobered up and made bail, we’ve got to get ready for the inevitable backlash.

As my first mother-in-law once said, “It’s going to be David J. Vu all over again.”

BTDT. Been there, done that. After the Defense Of Marriage Act was overturned and Prop 8 was declared unconstitutional in 2013, the well-funded sore losers on the right turned to the 1993 Religious Freedom Restoration Act for their mischief.

RFRA was originally intended to protect North American indigenous tribes from government land grabs of the sacred places where they hold religious ceremonies. It also allowed for the use of peyote in those religious ceremonies.

Figures. Something good finally happens for indigenous people in 1993, and in 2013 along come the white guys to pervert it.

The religious right’s not-so-secret agenda with RFRA is to establish Christianity as the state religion. They put the hate in caliphate. The right’s new twisted wimp-out allows people to opt out of obeying laws based on their “sincerely held” so-called Christian beliefs. For example: You can get gay-married but you can’t have the pizza.

Instead of shrieking, “Nyah nyah, you lost,” I have been working on a “sincerity detector” machine that will scientifically determine sincerity levels. It’s either the detector or the rack. The research came quite organically out of the earlier work I had been doing to invent a sarcasm font.

Who knew detector development would be such a slow slog in R&D? I’ve been thinking that, in the interim, we should quickly resurrect that old idea of starting our own church. There are so many Universal Life Ministers ordained for the one-off of marrying their friends that we could just start a Universal Life Church.

Like the NFL, it would be tax-exempt!

My faith tradition is the Catholic Church, so I take a more sacramental organizational approach. Baptism: a coming out ceremony. Eucharist: your first brunch. Confession: choral singing of Tracy Chapman’s “Sorry.” Confirmation:  posting your LGBTQ status on Facebook. Marriage: gay marriage. Holy Orders: you get a gay-for-pay job. Extreme Unction: whatever is the opposite of the “ex-gay” ministries.

Based on our sincerely held religious beliefs, we would refuse to decorate for or serve bigots. We would continue to spit in their drinks. We might lose our tight grip on that hot curling iron. And that’s just for starters in the service industry.

Not to harsh your LGBTQ mellow or step on your Gay Pride smile, but we’ve got to be ready. Tim Gunn for Pope?


Kate Clinton is a humorist and longtime LGBT advocate

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