a&e features
New Museum of the Bible offers no mention of LGBT issues and scripture
Curators claim material is for visitors to interpret; gay Christians say it could have been much worse
One of many historical Bibles displayed at the new Museum of the Bible in Washington. (Washington Blade photo by Joey DiGuglielmo)
Museum of the Bible
400 4th St., S.W.
Free admission
The team behind the new Museum of the Bible, which opened last weekend in Washington, said all along they wouldn’t “mention homosexuality, abortion or any other political commentary” and they’ve stayed true to their word.
The controversial museum — housed in a massive, 430,000-square-foot building three blocks from the U.S. Capitol in Southwest Washington — was established as a 501(c)(3) nonprofit in 2010. In 2012, museum personnel purchased the former Washington Design Center for $50 million and spent years having it converted into an eight-story structure with two basement levels and two new floors added to the existing rooftop at a total cost of more than $500 million.
All the effort and expense shows. This is no amateur endeavor despite the bumps in the road the billionaires behind it — it’s been largely funded by the Green family, owners of Hobby Lobby — have encountered along the way.
Pottery vessels on display at Museum of the Bible discovered at the Khirbet Qeiyafa, the site of an ancient fortress city overlooking the Elah Valley. Ruins of the fortress were discovered in 2007 about 20 miles from Jerusalem. (Washington Blade photo by Joey DiGuglielmo)
During a media preview last week, a few finishing touches were still being applied. Ladders and cans of paint were seen in several corridors much like they were during media previews for the National Museum of African-American History and Culture that opened last year. The museum’s communications team didn’t hesitate in including the Blade. The Blade has also learned of at least one openly LGBT person on staff at the museum.
Steve Green is president of Hobby Lobby and chair of the Museum of the Bible board. He told media at the museum on Nov. 15 that the purpose of the museum was “not about us espousing our faith.”
“The example I primarily use is in the Bible, it says, ‘In the beginning God created …,’ so we tell that story on the narrative floor but it’s not our position to tell you when God created, so we don’t take a position on whether that’s true or not. We just say, ‘Here’s the Bible story,’ and then you can decide what you do with it.”
Another recurring theme from staff is that the museum is “non-sectarian” and they’ve gone to great lengths to take an ecumenical approach. One exhibit features items on loan from the Vatican and the museum boasts what it claims is the world’s largest private collection of retired Torah scrolls and the second-largest private collection of Dead Sea Scroll fragments, the earliest-surviving manuscripts of the Hebrew Bible.
“Obviously we’re trying to be inclusive,” Green said. “We have the Israel Antiquity Authority, we have the Vatican having space in here, so it’s not about a faith tradition. We have a love for the Bible and we want to include everyone. We want atheists to feel comfortable coming in here because they’ll know, in essence, we’re not pushing our agenda. We’re just trying to educate them on a book. If you wanna believe this book is a novel, fine. Just be educated on what you believe and that’s what we wanna do.”
Steve Green, chairman of the Museum of the Bible board and president of Hobby Lobby, speaks to reporters at the museum on Nov. 15. (Washington Blade photo by Joey DiGuglielmo)
The scope alone is impressive. Museum personnel claim to read every placard, see every artifact and experience every activity in the museum, it would take nine days at eight hours per day.
And while some have expressed relief that the museum has taken a vastly more academic approach than, say, the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky., which presents the Genesis account of creation as literally true, the Museum of the Bible is still wildly controversial.
The museum has come under intense criticism — the Washington Post’s coverage has been especially tough — for several issues. Among them are:
• what some consider the Green family’s baggage from their 2014 fight against mandatory employer-provided birth control that resulted in a Supreme Court ruling that struck down the contraceptive mandate part of the Affordable Care Act requiring employers to cover certain contraceptives for female employees. The Greens have paid for newspaper ads espousing the “real meaning” of Christmas and have donated $70 million to Oral Roberts University and other evangelical institutions that lean toward the fundamentalist end of the religious spectrum according to Vox and other outlets.
• a $3 million fine imposed by the Department of Justice in a civil action suit that said the Greens, who started collecting in 2009, had obtained thousands of Iraqi artifacts they obtained without the necessary clearances in 2010 and 2011. The Greens said the seized artifacts were never part of the museum collection and said they’ve “engaged the leading experts in abiding the highest standards of museum guidelines (from the Association of Art Museum Directors) and other organizations. Those are the policies that we will adhere to here at the museum,” Green said last week.
• accusations that Hobby Lobby owners neglected to do their due diligence in acquiring the artifacts that got them in trouble. At the time, they said, “the company was new to the world of acquiring these items and did not fully appreciate the complexities of the acquisitions process. This resulted in some regrettable mistakes. The company imprudently relied on dealers and shippers who, in hindsight, did not understand the correct way to document and ship these items.” According to museum tax records cited by the Washington Post, Hobby Lobby donated about $201 million in artifacts to the museum, about 2,800 of the Greens’ 40,000-piece collection.
• a sense that the museum’s mission has shifted from inception to fruition. Perhaps, some would argue, for the better, yet it casts doubts on the owners’ intentions. According to Vox, in 2011, the museum’s nonprofit tax filings stated its purpose was “to bring to life the living Word of God, to tell its compelling story of preservation and to inspire confidence in the absolute authority and reliability of the Bible.” By 2013, the wording said simply that “we exist to invite all people to engage with the Bible.” “It felt in the last few years like they were moving from running in the primary to running in the general election,” says Matthew Vines, a prominent gay evangelical writer. “Now you’re going to focus on reaching the center and not just activating the base anymore. Now it feels more like a normal, general-election campaign.”
• the role of the National Christian Foundation, a Georgia-based organization with a mission to “advance God’s kingdom,” that has given millions of dollars annually to churches and civic groups, many of which, according to the Washington Post, are “engaged in court fights against same-sex marriage, abortion rights and other social policies.” The foundation directed about $163 million to the museum between 2013-2015 according to the Post, which cited tax returns for its information. While the museum touts that 50,000 donors have given money to the museum, which does not charge admission and is registered as a public charity, 89 percent of 2016 donations came from the National Christian Foundation; it was 96 percent in 2015, Museum President Cary Summers confirmed to the Post.
• several claims of dubious action made by Candida R. Moss, a theology professor at the University of Birmingham, and Joel S. Baden, a professor of Hebrew Bible at Yale Divinity School, in their new book “Bible Nation: the United States of Hobby Lobby” in which, according to the Post, they claim the Greens have “exploited tax-exempt rules to financially benefit from their acquisitions” and “have probably purchased forgeries, items of questionable provenance and possibly even looted antiquities.” The book also claims the Green Scholars Initiative has hired a disproportionate number of scholars with similar evangelical backgrounds and that while they maintain the Greens are well-intentioned, they accuse them of dumbing down on biblical scholarship. That they “believe it is possible to tell the story of the Bible without interpretation betrays not only their Protestant roots and bias,” the authors write, “but also their fundamentally anti-intellectual orientation.”
It’s a concern echoed by some LGBT believers as well. Because the museum just opened and few have had a chance to experience it directly, some were hesitant to say much although concerns were expressed.
Fred Davie, vice president of Union Theological Seminary, said the Bible is not a simple book.
“The way these ancient texts have been put together and then blessed by various religious bodies is very, very complicated,” Davie, who’s gay, said. “We have to be careful because most believers’ understanding of scripture in my experience is pretty much at a very basic, almost Sunday school level. … The Bible as we know it has been used to do lots of bad things to God’s creation, both creatures and flora and fauna throughout history — everything from enslaving people to denigrating women and relegating them to a lesser roles to all forms of oppression against LGBT folks.”
Davie said he’s been encouraged by media accounts he’s read that state the museum staff has attempted to be non-partisan and ecumenical, but also said the whole concept of a museum such as this could be problematic.
“You want to try to give them credit for making scripture accessible to large numbers of people and to make it popular … but it is very complex and to attempt to present the museum as an amusement is fraught with pitfalls. If they have tried to be balanced, you know, God bless them, but what I worry about is that it will simply reinforce a Sunday school, simplistic notion of scripture.”
Davie says faulty and overly simplistic interpretations of scripture historically have been used to marginalize many such as African Americans, women and gays. To approach the museum as a vehicle for entertainment, he says, could backfire with similar consequences.
Despite the curators’ claims that they aren’t getting into controversial issues such as homosexuality and abortion, the museum doesn’t tiptoe around all controversy. The second floor is devoted to the “impact of the Bible” and the “Bible in America” and goes from the book’s role in the formation of the United States culminating with “Civil Rights and beyond: equality and religious freedom.”
So why did curators delve into the issue of the Civil Rights Movement but avoid LGBT rights? The museum has exhibits devoted to topics one might not expect such as the Bible in fashion, the Bible in pop culture and others.
Seth Pollinger, director of museum content, said deciding what to include and what to leave out is an ongoing challenge for any museum, especially a new one. His role is to work as a liaison between the designers and scholars and curators. He said the team worked hard to assemble content that is “authentic and sincere and on track with reliability and constructive to the overall message of how everything fits together.”
As for possible LGBT issues in the future, Pollinger said, “I think we’re working on it.”
“I think these are the kinds of discussions that we hope to have and areas we hope to grow in in the future,” he said.
Was there a sense that some topics such as LGBT rights and the Bible might be easier to avoid because they’re so divisive? Pollinger said yes and cites how the Bible historically was used both to justify and condemn slavery, though no pro-slavery items or exhibits are in the museum.
“That was one example where we had to weigh whether or not we could do that from a social standpoint and present those things without doing something that would be offensive,” he said.
He also said that even with eight floors and 430,000 square feet, space is always an issue.
“You want to make sure you’re able to cover a wide spectrum of views and in some cases we felt like we had a very small amount of real estate available,” Pollinger said. “In the future, as we start to feature a balance of views within a small space, we can have more dialogue on that. We just felt that for opening day, we just didn’t have that all solved yet.”
Matthew Solari of BRC Imagination Arts worked on two animated films shown at the museum, one on the Old Testament, another on the New. He’s worked on similar projects for other major museums such as the Kennedy Space Center, the Epcot pavilions and more.
“When we were deciding whether this was something we wanted to throw our energies and talents into, we had several escape hatches at various points along the way where we could have gone the other direction and left,” Solari said. “But we never did. We never felt pressured in any way to say or do something we felt was betraying the promises that were made to us as storytellers in the beginning and also what we thought were going to be stories that were going to be welcoming and kind to people as opposed to people that were going to be finger wagging and thou shalt not. We weren’t interested in doing any of that kind of stuff and we were given a very wide berth. They were an excellent client to work with.”
Vines, founder of the Reformation Project, an agency that works to advance LGBT inclusion in the church, who came to prominence with the 2014 publication of his book “God and the Gay Christian: the Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships,” said he’s “cautiously optimistic” about the Museum of the Bible.
He points to recent events in the evangelical world in which World Vision, a “sponsor-a-child” program, backtracked quickly when about 10,000 evangelicals threatened to pull their child sponsorships if the organization opened its doors to hiring gay staff, and InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, a college campus ministry, which took a renewed and harder stance against LGBT-affirming staff last fall.
“Culturally these groups are very similarly situated in terms of their support bases and … I find it encouraging that the Museum of the Bible did not feel compelled to do something similar. I could easily see a number of donors wanting to put strings on their donations and say there had to be one part of the museum that said marriage was one man, one woman for life,” Vines said. “I don’t know the politics and dynamics of those conversations but clearly that didn’t end up happening and I just appreciate, not even knowing all the back story, that the museum is not taking an oppositional position. That is a kind of progress.”
The entrance to Museum of the Bible on 4th Street in Southwest Washington. (Washington Blade photo by Joey DiGuglielmo)
a&e features
Local, last-minute holiday gift ideas
Celebrate the season while supporting area businesses
The DowntownDC Holiday Market is bustling. Union Station is decked out with its annual Christmas tree. Washingtonians have wrapped their houses and apartment balconies with festive lights and holiday decorations. The holiday season is here. And with stockings to fill and empty space under the tree, Washington’s local shops and artists have plenty to offer.
Show your LGBTQ and D.C. pride with the Washington Blade’s annual holiday gift guide.
To embrace the holiday buzz: The Blanco Nwèl cocktail from Alchy Cocktails. This Caribbean eggnog is one of Alchy Cocktail’s seasonal holiday cocktails. The flavor profile is similar to coquito, a traditional Puerto Rican Christmas drink with a coconut base. As a queer and Caribbean-owned business, Alchy Cocktails has been based out of Washington since 2021. Blanco Nwèl is available in both cocktail ($24) and mocktail ($12) online and at a variety of holiday markets, including the Tingey Plaza Holiday Market, the Flea Market at Eastern Market, Union Station’s Main Hall Holiday Market, and more. ($24)
A spicy bite: Gordy’s Cajun Okra from Salt and Sundry. These spicy, tangy pickles pull on Southern Cajun-style flavors, packing a punch with paprika, cayenne, and more. Gordy’s is an LGBTQ-owned and Washington-based brand, making this gift an opportunity to support a local LGBTQ business straight from the jar. This pantry staple is available on Salt & Sundry’s website and at its locations in Union Market, Logan Circle, and its Georgetown holiday pop-up store. ($14)
To celebrate Washington pride: The DC Landmark Tote Bag from The Neighborgoods. Native Washingtonians, visitors, friends and family alike will find something to love about this Washington-themed tote bag. Food trucks, the 9:30 Club, the Metro logo and pandas from the National Zoo are just some of the city’s landmarks depicted across the tote in a red, white, and blue color palette. The tote is a part of the DC Landmarks collection, which donates 10 percent of its sales to the American Civil Liberties Union. The Neighborgoods itself is a local, woman-owned business built out of a passion for screen-printing in 2013. The 100 percent cotton canvas tote is for sale online or at the DowntownDC Holiday Market. ($22)
To give friends and family their flowers: The Flowers Bandana from All Very Goods. This 100 percent cotton bandana was designed in Washington and hand printed in India. Its uniqueness comes in being covered with the faces of Black women, representing a “love letter to all women but especially Black women,” according to All Very Goods. The Black woman-owned and operated business, based out of Northwest Washington, has a mission to celebrate diversity and representation through its products. The bandana intends to give Black women their “flowers.” The Flowers bandana is available for purchase online. ($24)
To unlock culinary creativity: The Curious Chef Gift Collection from Each Peach Market. This customizable collection of kitchen oddities — ranging from tinned fish to chili oil — is a quirky gift for the most inventive chefs. The collection is available in a Standard Santa, Extra Goodies and Super Holiday Size for up to $165. The Washington-based market, founded in 2013, permits customers to make the collection special by specifying what unique ingredients are packaged, including products made by local or LGBTQ brands. Each Peach Market offers assembly and pick up in-person at its Mount Pleasant shop and also offers local delivery and nationwide shipping via its website. ($85)
To give a touch of sweetness: The DC Landmark Chocolate Covered Oreo Holiday Cookies from Capital Candy Jar. Wrapped in a festive red bow, this box of nine cookies embraces love for Washington and the holiday season in one. Among the dark and milk chocolate covered cookies are images of the U.S. Capitol, the White House, the Lincoln Memorial, the Jefferson Memorial and festive hollies. The treat, packaged in a Hill East facility just a few blocks from the Capitol, is available for purchase online and at the DowntownDC Holiday Market. ($23.95)
To celebrate queer gaming: Thirsty Sword Lesbians from Labyrinth Games & Puzzles. This roleplaying game embraces lesbian culture by unlocking a world of swords, romance, and battle. Ideal for group settings, the book presents a system of world building and character identities that are best brought to life by creative minds. Labyrinth, which has been a local Washington business for more than 15 years, celebrates non-digital fun through games and puzzles that connect the community. This gift is offered online and at Labyrinth’s Capitol Hill location. ($29.99)
To make a bold statement: The “Resist” T-shirt from Propper Topper. This locally screen-printed black tee features the Washington flag designed within a raised fist, symbolizing both Washington pride, and political resistance. The shirt is made exclusively by Propper Topper, a local Washington business that evolved from a hat shop to a gift store since opening in 1990. The tri-blend unisex shirt is available both for pickup at Propper Topper’s Cathedral Heights location and shipping via the online site. ($32)
To keep it c(g)lassy: The Glass Ball earrings from Blue Moon Aquarius. Gifting can rarely go wrong when it comes to a new pair of earrings. The unique statement earrings — made of polymer clay, glass, and 18k gold plating over surgical steel — are hand cut, sanded and assembled in Washington, meaning each set is unique. Blue Moon Aquarius, a local brand, is known for its small batch jewelry and home decor designed with clay materials. Available in oxblood, hunter green, lavender, and bluestone color palettes, these earrings are available for purchase on Blue Moon Aquarius’ website and at the DowntownDC Holiday Market. ($48)
To elevate a holiday tea or charcuterie party: The Honey Flight: Tea Lover’s Selection from BannerBee. This local honey company presents the ideal gift to make cozying up with a cup of tea slightly more special. The Honey Flight contains three types of raw wildflower honey infused with fair trade Ugandan vanilla bean, chai spices, and locally sourced lemon thyme herb. The gift is also an opportunity to uplift a family company based in the Mid-Atlantic that offers all-natural, sustainable products. The flight is available online, at the DowntownDC Holiday Market or at the Arlington Courthouse and Dupont Farmers’ Markets. ($36)
For Baltimore shoppers: If you’re in Charm City, don’t miss Balston Mercantile, opened by a gay couple in June. Their gorgeous shop in the Hampden neighborhood offers an array of unique, upscale finds, from barware and artwork to cookbooks and home decor and more. (849 W. 36th St.)
a&e features
Have yourself a merry John Waters Christmas
Annual holiday show returns to Alexandria and Baltimore
When it comes to iconic Christmas scenes in movies, none can top the tree-toppling tantrum thrown by cha-cha heels-deprived Dawn Davenport in John Waters’s fifth full-length feature “Female Trouble” from 1974. Therefore, it’s not surprising that Waters continues to make art out of Christmas, performing his spoken word Christmas tour in cities across the country. Waters has even more reason to celebrate with the release of his new red vinyl 7” single, a cover of Little Cindy’s “Happy Birthday Jesus (A Child’s Prayer)” on the A-side, and “A Pig Latin Visit From St. Nicholas” on the B-side. If you’re still looking for unique Christmas gifts, consider this record. As always, John was kind enough to make time for an interview in advance of his tour dates.
BLADE: John, in preparation for this interview with you, I went back and listened to Little Cindy’s original rendition of “Happy Birthday Jesus (A Child’s Prayer)” on your “A John Waters Christmas” CD.
JOHN WATERS: One thing I did, if you notice, I make the same stumble in my recording that she did in the original.
BLADE: It sounded to me like she got choked up.
WATERS: No, I think she just stumbles over a word, so I stumbled over the same word. It’s appropriation, insanely.
BLADE: Is this a song you first became aware of in your youth or when you were an adult?
WATERS: When I was doing the Christmas album, I had this friend named Larry Benicewicz. He was kind of my idea man with music. He knew every single old record. I would say to him, “Weird Christmas songs,” when we were doing a soundtrack, or a song about bears, or a song about this, and he would give me all these tapes. It was one of the ones he played for me. A lot of the songs I put in my movies and on my records, I did know as a kid. I did not know this one, but I immediately embraced it. I don’t think it’s campy. I think it really is spiritual in a weird way. My doing it makes it a novelty record. I am really for novelty records, and there aren’t any anymore. Why was there not a COVID novelty record? That’s insane. The dance “The Bug” that’s on the “Hairspray” soundtrack would be perfect for COVID.
BLADE: The thing that struck me was that for a Christmas song in the voice of a child, a kind of death pall hangs over it, with lines like, “If I was good you’d let me live with you” and “they nailed you to the cross, they wanted you to die.”
WATERS: All of it! When I see children at midnight mass kneeling in front of a nude man nailed to a cross, I feel like I’m at The Eagle! It is S&M, it’s creepy. I took the same cover (photo) from her record to parody and put my face on it. The same thing I did with The Singing Dogs last year when I covered (their version of) “Jingle Bells.” I’m really into novelty records. I love them and I’m trying to bring them back. I don’t expect anybody to ever play these records. Even The Singing Dogs one said on it, “Please do not play this record” [laughs]. And the flipside, the Pig Latin version, is almost impossible to listen to.
BLADE: I’m so glad you mentioned that. “A Pig Latin Visit From St. Nicholas” reminded me of the lost art of speaking in Pig Latin. I also recall watching the PBS series “Zoom” as an adolescent and learning to speak “ubbi dubbi,” a distant relative of Pig Latin. Do you think that the time is right for a Pig Latin or ubbi dubbi revival?
WATERS: Here’s the thing, I never could pick up any language, except Pig Latin. I’ve been in every foreign country. Foreign countries have given me money to learn to speak the language. I can never do it! But Pig Latin…my parents and other parents in the ‘50s spoke Pig Latin so kids couldn’t understand what they were saying. Then my mother taught it to me, and I used it. The hardest take to shoot in “Pink Flamingos” was not eating the dog shit. It was when the cast skipped, in one take, saying “E-way, are-yay e-they ilthiest-fay eople-pay in-hay e-they ole-hay ide-way orld-way.” We’re the filthiest people in the whole wide world in Pig Latin. We had to do so many takes so they could do it once without screwing it up. In “Polyester,” Edith (Massey) answers the phone, “ello-hay.” I did a photo piece where it was all subtitled in Pig Latin. Like “osebud-Ray” (from “Citizen Kane”) or in “Streetcar,” “ella-Stay!” [Laughs] All the iconic dialogue translated into Pig Latin. My assistant who helped me do it, had never heard of Pig Latin. She really got good at it because she lived in many foreign countries and can pick up languages. But it’s not that easy to do it correctly and read it. Your computer will translate into Pig Latin.
BLADE: AI understands Pig Latin?
WATERS: I guess that’s AI. It wasn’t 100% right, but it was close. I can speak it if I look at it, but just do a bit at a time. It was a challenge that no one would possibly care about or want to do.
BLADE: I think you pulled it off very well.
WATERS: If you want people to leave on Christmas morning, you put it on. That’s how you get your guests to leave. It’s time to go.
BLADE: Ood-gay i-bay! How did your relationship with record label Sub Pop, which released 2021, 2022, 2024, and new 2025 holiday singles, come about?
WATERS: I believe the first thing I did for them was “Prayer to Pasolini.” They came to me through Ian Brennan. He’s won a couple Grammys for World Music, but he is also is one of my agents who does the Christmas tour and a lot of my shows, anything with music. He helped me arrange each one of the songs. He had a relationship with Sub Pop. It was perfect. My friends in Baltimore, (the band) Beach House, have had huge success.
BLADE: That’s right, they’re on Sub Pop!
WATERS: Yes! I’m happy to be on it. I’ve even been to the warehouse and posed for pictures like Jackie Suzanne used to do.
BLADE: Is there any chance that “A John Waters Christmas” might be reissued on vinyl by Sub Pop?
WATERS: No. It’s such a nightmare to get the rights and to renew them. You have to find the publisher and the writer, and they usually hate each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s obscure or famous, it’s hard to get. You have to make the deal. The singer doesn’t get anything unless they play it on the radio. It would be so complicated legally, and there would be such a [laughs] tiny audience for it. I hope it will come out again. The same thing with the one for Valentine’s Day. I had two of them that did quite well when they came out; “A Date With John Waters and “A John Waters Christmas.” The “John Waters Christmas” album is still the soundtrack that plays whenever I’m doing my spoken word Christmas show as people are entering the theater.
BLADE: Aside from your annual Christmas show tour, what else do you do for the holidays now, and are there any traditions that you’ve carried over from your family?
WATERS: Certainly! I have two sisters, my brother’s widow, and me, so there are four and we take turns each year to have the Christmas dinner. Mine was last year. An entire sit-down dinner. Mom’s China, the silverware, the entire full dinner. It’s pretty traditional. I don’t have a Christmas tree, but I do decorate the electric chair from “Female Trouble.” That is a tradition in my family. We do have Christmas decorations, but they’re usually weird ones that fans sent me. I have one with Divine knocking over the Christmas tree, and the Christmas tree lights up, all sorts of amazing things. There is definitely a tradition here that might be a little altered, but it is definitely a tradition. I used to have a giant party every year, but COVID ended that. I still wouldn’t want 200 people in my house breathing right now.
BLADE: I was looking at your tour schedule and wondered if there are any new cities in which you’ve never performed the John Waters Christmas show that have been added to this year’s schedule?
WATERS: I don’t think there’s a city in America in which I haven’t done one show! The only places I haven’t been to are Hawaii and Alaska. I could do it there, but it’s too long on a tour. I can’t think of a city I haven’t played in in America over the last 50 years. The Christmas show is completely different every year. It doesn’t matter if you saw it last year.
Some gifts scream practical, others whisper luxury, and a few flat-out blur the lines. From cocoa that feels ceremonial to a cologne that linger like a suggestive smirk, this year’s ultimate gift picks prove that thoughtful (and occasionally naughty) presents don’t have to be prosaic. Welcome to your holiday cheat sheet for festive tangibles that get noticed, remembered, and maybe even result in a peck of gratitude planted under the mistletoe. Consensually, of course.
Amber Glass Champagne Flutes
Pop the champs – but make it vintage. These tulip-shaped stunners in amber-tinted glass bring all the Gatsby vibes without the Jazz-age drama. Whether you’re toasting a milestone or celebrating a Tuesday, their seven-ounce capacities and hand-wash-only care make ‘em as practical as they are pretty. Pair with a thoughtful bottle of bubs and gift with a glittering wink. $18, NantucketLooms.com
Disaster Playbook by Here Comes the Apocalypse
Because the end of the world shouldn’t be a solo act, this spiral-bound guide is your step-by-step roadmap to surviving and thriving when everything else goes sideways, which might be sooner than you think. Packed with checklists, drills, and a healthy dose of humor, it’s like a survival manual written by your most prepared (and slightly snarky) friend. Whether you’re prepping for a zombie apocalypse or, more realistically, REVOLUTION!, this playbook’s got your back. $40, HereComesTheApocalypse.com
Wickless Vulva Candles
Bold, luxurious, and completely flame-free, CTOAN’s wickless candles melt from beneath on a warmer, releasing subtle, sophisticated fragrances, like sandalwood or lavender. The vulva-shaped wax adds a playful, provocative element to any space –perfect for a bedroom, living room, or anywhere you want elegance with an edge. A gift that celebrates form, intimacy and self-expression, no fire required. $39, CTOANCO.com
Villeroy & Boch Royal Classic Christmas Collection
Every meal is a mini celebration – with whimsy at every place setting – in Villeroy & Boch’s Royal Classic festive dinnerware collection that hits all the right notes. Made from premium German porcelain, it features nostalgic little toys, nutcrackers, and rocking horses in delicate relief, giving your holiday spread a playful but refined twist. Dishwasher- and microwave-safe, it’s luxe without the fuss. Gift a piece to a special someone, or start a collection they’ll use (and show off) for years to come. $22-$363, Villeroy-Boch.com
Greenworks Electric Lawnmower
You a ’hood queen who considers lawn care performance art – or just wants to rule the cul-de-sac in quiet, emission-free glory? Greenworks’ zero-turn electric mower has the muscle of a 24-horsepower gas engine but none of the fumes, drama or maintenance. Six 60V batteries and a 42-inch deck mean you can mow up to two-and-a-half acres on a single charge – then plug in, recharge, and ride again. It’s whisper-quiet, slope-ready, and smooth enough to make you wonder why you ever pushed anything besides your queer agenda. The perfect gift for the homeowner who loves sustainability, symmetry, and showing off their freshly striped yard like that fresh fade you get on Fridays. $5,000, GreenworksTools.com
Molekule Air Purifier
For the friend who treats their space like a sanctuary (or just can’t stand sneezes), the Molekule Air Pro is magic in motion. Covering up to 1,000 square feet, it doesn’t just capture allergens, VOCs, and smoke – it destroys them, leaving your air feeling luxury-clean. FDA-cleared as a Class II medical device, it’s serious science disguised as modern design. Gift it to your city-dwelling, pet-loving, candle-burning friend who likes their living room as pristine as their Instagram feed. $1,015, Molekule.com
Cipriani Prosecco Gift Set
Effervescent with stone-fruit sweetness and a touch of Italian flair, the Cipriani Bellini & Prosecco gift set brings brunch-level glamour to any day of the week. The Bellini blends rich white-peach purée with sparkling wine, while the dry ’secco keeps things crisp and celebratory. Pop a bottle, pour a flute, and suddenly winter weeknights feel like a party – even with your pants off. $36, TotalWine.com
Woo(e)d Cologne
British GQ recently crowned Woo(e)d by ALTAIA the “Best Date Night Fragrance,” and honestly, they nailed it. Confident without being cocky – smoky gaïac and Atlas cedarwood grounds the room while supple leather and spicy cardamom do all the flirting – it’s a scent that lingers like good conversation and soft candlelight. Gift it to the one who always turns heads – or keep it for yourself and let them come to (and then on) you. $255, BeautyHabit.com
Lococo Cocoa Kit
Keep the run-of-the-mill mugs in the cabinet this Christmas and pull out Lococo’s handcrafted Oaxacan versions that demand you slow down and sip like it matters. Paired with a wooden scoop, rechargeable frother, and Lococo’s signature spice hot-chocolate blend (vegan, gluten-free, with adaptogenic mushrooms), this holiday kit turns Mexi-cocoa into a mini ritual you’ll look forward to. Perfect for anyone who loves a little indulgence with a side of ¡A huevo! energy.
Manta Sleep Mask
Total blackout, zero pressure on the eyes, and Bluetooth speakers built right into the straps, this ain’t your mama’s sleep mask — but it could be. The Manta SOUND sleep mask features C-shaped eye cups that block every hint of light while ultra-thin speakers deliver your favorite white noise, meditation, or late-night playlist straight to your ears. With 24-hour battery life, breathable fabric, and easy-to-adjust sound, it turns any bed (or airplane seat) into a five-star sleep suite. Perfect for anyone who treats shut-eye like an art form (or just wants to escape their roommate’s late-night bingin’ and/or bangin’). $159, MantaSleep.com
Shacklelock Necklace
Turn the industrial-chic vibe of a shackle into a sleek statement. Mi Tesoro’s platinum-plated stainless-steel necklace sits on an 18-inch wheat chain, featuring a shackle-style latch pendant that’s waterproof, tarnish-free, and totally fuss-les. Beyond style, it nods to a classic gesture in the queer leather community: replacing a traditional Master lock with something elegant to quietly signal belonging to someone special. Wear it solo for a minimalist edge or layer it like you mean it; either way this piece locks in both your look and your intentions. $90, MiTesoroJewelry.com
Parkside Flask Mojave Edition
Wine nights get a desert glow-up with Parkside’s limited-edition 750-milliliter all-in-one flask draped in sun-washed bronze and badland hues like sage, sand, and terracotta – with magnetic stemless tumblers that snap on for effortless shareability. It keeps your vino chilled for 24 hours, pours without drips (no tears for spilled rosé, please), and even lets you laser-engrave your own mantra or inside joke. Perfect for picnics, surprise rooftop clinks, or gifting to your favorite wine (or desert) rat. $149, HighCampFlasks.com
Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBT lifestyle expert whose work has published in more than 100 outlets across the world. Connect with him on Instagram @mikeyroxtravels.
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