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Losing a lover to AIDS
My years with Rob are how I measure time now
Gary Barton was an actor and former senior vice president of production at Walt Disney Co. In 1992, along with his partner Rob Hershman and Congresswoman Maxine Waters, he won the Leadership Award from AIDS ACTION in Washington. (Photo from Barton’s Facebook page)
That last month, I could look only in his eyes, for that is where he was. His face was covered with raw open sores. His gray translucent skin was stretched tautly from bone to bone. He had become a body with which I had no history.
When I got scared, I held him in my arms and stared into his eyes. They were clear and beautiful and familiar. That is where we connected now.
That last month I remember as snapshots of black and gray. Even the blood Rob bled, in my memory, lacks color. Time is distorted and that month seems much longer than a month is. I can still feel myself pushing away certain memories.
It has been years since Rob died and the black flashes stay a little longer now, and very slowly, like a photograph coming up in a darkroom tray, I begin to see the memory develop and fix. When I met Rob, he was beginning to lose weight. I watched him chart his unexplained fevers daily.
A friend commented that he thought I was courageous to get involved with someone who was beginning to get sick. Courage had nothing to do with it. I knew after spending a few weeks with Rob, that this was the man I would allow myself to love and with more difficulty, allow to love me. I committed to make the journey of my life with him, not knowing where it would lead. It was quite simply, the wisest decision I ever made.
My years with Rob are how I measure time now. Everything else comes either before or after.
The differences between Rob and me were considerable. Rob was very well read and graduated magna cum laude from Harvard. I barely made it through high school. Rob was compulsive about neatness and order. I would leave my clothes in a pile where I removed them. I had been living on my own since I was 17 and had developed street smarts that Rob never did.
In fact, he never stopped being naive. But instead of allowing these differences to become a wedge, we learned from each other because of them.
Three years before he died, Rob told me he needed to pursue a spiritual path to deal with what he knew was in store for him. He decided, having been born a Jew, that he would study the Torah. Up until then, he had no particular religious connection with Judaism, but like many Jews, he had a strong cultural bond.
In typical fashion, he excelled in his studies and for this, in that last month, the rabbis with whom he was studying, honored him in a ceremony naming him a maggid. Maggid in Hebrew means: a teacher or storyteller.
It is an honor that is rarely bestowed to a layperson and Rob was indeed honored. He had won many awards including two Emmys and a Peabody award for journalism but this was the acknowledgement of which he was most proud. At that ceremony, our family and friends listened as Rob spoke of how generations ago a person’s character seemed to be so important, and that today no one talks about character. Rob had character. He was the most decent person I have ever known.
That last month, we had another ceremony at our home. For a long time Rob had wanted some formal acknowledgement of our love. I’d had no interest in emulating a tradition that had never welcomed me. But one night, that last month, I looked at Rob’s body in the bed and decided I wanted to marry him. He was so riddled with pain that there was a moan coming from him that seemed disconnected, as if his body was screaming but not his soul. He once described the pain as a beehive in his brain with thousands of killer bees swarming and stinging him from within.
I wanted to give him this gift. And so, before our closest friends, family, our dogs and our doctors, we stood on our deck and celebrated our love for each other. Not a commitment ceremony really, for the commitment had been made many years before. Rob was frail and had trouble standing that Sunday, and yet his face radiated enormous power and strength. His eyes were present and filled with tears of joy.
He died exactly one month to the day with the gold band on his bony finger that matched the one on mine. He was 41.
That last month seems nonlinear. The events are jumbled up. Extraordinary moments of profound joy mix with unbearably painful ones. I didn’t only lose Rob that last month. I also said goodbye to Paul Monette, my beloved friend and fellow warrior, who died with his icy, yellow hand sandwiched between mine.
For many seasons past, Paul and I talked almost daily, sharing our anger and comparing our t-cells. For 10 years we ran neck and neck, only in this race the winner comes in last. There was no room for anything or anyone that was not directly connected to Rob’s care. Even mourning Paul’s death had to wait.
As our world became narrower, Rob’s world of learning, teaching, and touching people seemed to expand. I often think of him sitting at the dining room table with our Guatemalan housekeeper Dani. Her husband had forbid her to go to school to improve her English. Rob offered to teach her, which he did until a week before he died, his patience vying with his pain.
One of the things I so admired in Rob was his total lack of classism. I came home one day and overheard Rob on the telephone explaining to the person on the other end how in American English it was common for certain words to have an opposite definition such as cool and hot, and yet in certain circumstances, they mean the same thing.
“People could say that something was very cool as in ‘that song is very cool’ or “that song is really hot” and mean the same thing. I assumed that Rob was talking to Dani continuing one of his lessons. When he got off the phone I said, “how is Dani?” He said,“oh, that was not Dani, it was Prince Charles.” I sadly thought Rob’s previous dementia had returned and as upsetting that was to me, I just let it go.
The next day Rob mentioned how nice it was for Prince Charles to call. With further inquiry I discovered that Rob actually had been talking to the Prince. Rob had done a story about architecture when producing news for CBS. He had interviewed Prince Charles at Highgrove House, his country estate. They had kept up a correspondence and a friendship and when Charles had called Rob at CBS, he was informed of Rob’s condition and called him to wish him well.
I remember Rob used to laugh when he told the story about being left alone in a room at Highgrove, which evidently had hundreds of Faberge eggs just sitting on tables with no security. I thought it was odd that Rob did not pick one up and put it in his pocket but Rob was much too ethical to do that. I viewed it more like taking an ashtray from a hotel. What I thought was cool (and hot) was that Rob did not differentiate how he spoke whether it was to a housekeeper or to British royalty. That was just part of who Rob was. The fact that Rob never made a big deal about his friendship with Prince Charles from before he and I met, was just one more example of his genuine modesty and humbleness.
That last month, Rob was diagnosed with a fungal infection that was literally eating through his sinuses to the bones surrounding his brain. His physical pain was extraordinary and only slightly helped by morphine.
Morphine frightened both of us. It frightened Rob because he so hated the feeling of being disconnected to the very life at which he was clutching and marveling. His inability to study and meditate made the spiritual pain of being on the drug as bad as the physical pain of not. It frightened me because it dulled the bright life force that shone in his eyes.
Rob began losing his vision that last month before he died. He could not see out but I could see in.
That last month I took a photo of Rob in the desert. I look at it often. He is standing next to an also decrepit cactus, both looking up at the sky. Rob is beaming with unlimited joy and the desert bright, washed out light seems to be originating from within him rather than from the sun. Most of the time when I look at the picture, my tears blur my vision, but not my memory of his eyes. Still, that is where he is.
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MISTR’s Tristan Schukraft on evolution of HIV prevention
From ACT UP to apps, embracing stigma-free care
It was not too long ago that an HIV diagnosis was read as a death sentence. In its earlier decades, the HIV/AIDS crisis was synonymous with fear and loss, steeped in stigma. Over recent years, open conversation and science have come together to combat this stigma while proactively paving the way for life-saving treatments and preventive measures like PrEP. Now, in 2026, with discreet and modern platforms that meet people where they’re at in their lives, HIV prevention has evolved from hushed words of warning into something far more sex-positive and accessible. Game-changing services like MISTR are a testament to this shift, showing our community that healthcare doesn’t have to feel clinical or shaming to work. It can be empowering and, dare I say, celebratory.
Few people embody this evolution quite like Tristan Schukraft, founder of MISTR. With one hand in healthcare and the other high-fiving through queer nightlife, Schukraft gets that, from the bar to the bedroom and beyond, prevention happens in person and in real life. His approach has helped turn PrEP, DoxyPEP, and testing into normalized parts of our daily queer life, reaching hundreds of thousands of people across the US.
In our conversation, Schukraft shares candidly about stigma, policy, and why the future of sexual health depends on keeping it real.
BLADE: You have one hand in healthcare and the other in nightlife and queer spaces. Can you share with us how these two spheres impact and inform each other? How do they impact and inform you?
SCHUKRAFT: Honestly, for me, they’ve never been separate. Nightlife and queer spaces are where people meet, date, hook up, fall in love, and make friends. That’s real life. Being in queer spaces all the time keeps me grounded and reminds me who we’re building MISTR for.
BLADE: MISTR markets sexual health in a sex-positive, stigma-free fashion. Can you share with us how you measure the impact of this approach?
SCHUKRAFT: This year, we held the first-ever National PrEP Day. Dua Lipa performed, and Cardi B was there. After the event, Cardi B went on her Instagram live to encourage people to sign up for PrEP.
When you make sexual health stigma-free and sex positive, people talk about it. We see it in how people use the platform. When 700,000 people are willing to sign up, get tested, start PrEP, and add things like DoxyPEP, that tells us we’ve made it feel safe and normal instead of scary or awkward. And then we see it in the results. Since we expanded DoxyPEP, STI positivity among our patients dropped by half.
BLADE: How have you seen the conversation of sexual health in our LGBTQ+ community change in mainstream culture in recent years?
SCHUKRAFT: Ten years ago, nobody was casually talking about PrEP, and if they did, it likely referenced one being a Truvada whore. Now it’s part of the culture. Popstars like Troye Sivan post pictures of their daily PrEP pill on social media. Cardi B goes on Instagram Live telling people to get on PrEP.
For many sexually active gay men, taking PrEP is simply part of the gay experience. For people in more remote areas, it might not be as talked about. Particularly in rural or more conservative places, MISTR can be a life-changing option. No awkward visits to the family doctor or the local pharmacy where everybody knows your business. It’s all done discreetly online and shipped straight to your door.
BLADE: You have publicly argued that cuts to government HIV prevention funding are of high risk. Would you please elaborate for us on what those budget decisions mean on an individual level?
SCHUKRAFT: It means real people fall through the cracks. Someone doesn’t get tested. Someone waits too long to start PrEP. Someone finds out they’re HIV-positive later than they should have. Community clinics will be the hardest hit, especially those in underserved communities. The good news is that MISTR is ready to help people who might lose their access to care. All you need to do is sign up at mistr.com, and it’s totally free with or without insurance.
BLADE: From your (and MISTR’s) perspective, how do these funding cuts threaten ongoing efforts to end the HIV epidemic?
SCHUKRAFT: For the first time, we have all the tools to end HIV. If everybody who is HIV negative is taking PrEP and everyone HIV+ is virally suppressed, we can end all new HIV transmissions in the United States. We have everything we need today. All we need is to get more people on PrEP. Cutting funding risks losing that momentum. Ending HIV requires scale and consistency. Every time funding gets cut, you lose momentum, trust, and infrastructure, and rebuilding that takes years.
HIV transmissions don’t pause because budgets change.
BLADE: In our current climate of decreased federal investment, what role do you feel private healthcare and business should play in sexual health?
SCHUKRAFT: With reports that the current administration is considering cuts to HIV and prevention funding, we face a moment of reckoning. At the same time, some employers are seeking to exclude PrEP and HIV prevention from their coverage on religious freedom grounds. If these challenges succeed, and if federal funding is slashed, the consequences for public health will be devastating. But this is where the private sector must step up to fill the gap, bridge divides, and deliver results.
Businesses have the power and platform to normalize HIV prevention and drive measurable outcomes. At MISTR, we see firsthand what’s possible: since introducing DoxyPEP, STI positivity rates among our patients have been cut in half. But it’s not just about medication. It’s about messaging.
Our sex-positive, stigma-free marketing speaks directly to our community, making sexual health part of everyday life. No awkward doctor visits, no needles, no paperwork — just free online PrEP and STI testing, prescribed by real physicians and delivered to your door. That kind of impact could grow exponentially if more employers embraced this approach and made HIV prevention part of their employee wellness programs.
Employers, this is your call to action. Start by making sure your health plans cover PrEP and DoxyPEP. Partner with platforms like MISTR to give employees private, stigma-free access to care. Offer on-site testing. Talk openly about sexual health, not just during Pride, but every day of the year. This is not political — this is about protecting lives, strengthening communities, and building a healthier, more productive workforce. Because healthy employees aren’t just good for public health — they’re good for business.
When the private sector steps up, outcomes improve. And when businesses align with platforms like MISTR, scaling impact isn’t just possible — it’s happening.
BLADE: Has MISTR experienced any direct effects from these recent shifts in public health funding?
SCHUKRAFT: MISTR’s unique model is totally free for patients with or without insurance, and we don’t cost the government or taxpayers a penny. We are scaling up our efforts to reach people who might be losing their access or care.
BLADE: What would be your message to policymakers who are considering further cuts to HIV/AIDS programs?
SCHUKRAFT: During his first term, President Donald Trump committed unprecedented resources to the Ending the HIV Epidemic initiative here at home. Bipartisan support has shown what’s possible when bold leadership meets smart strategy. To policymakers: I urge you to reconsider any cuts to HIV prevention funding. This is not the time to pull back. It’s the time to push forward. Ending HIV is within reach — but only if government, private industry, and community organizations stand together.
BLADE: What is one perhaps overlooked win from last year that impacted you on a personal level?
SCHUKRAFT: Seeing our STI positivity rate drop by half after expanding DoxyPEP.
BLADE: Looking at the year ahead, what are MISTR’s most significant priorities for sexual health in 2026?
SCHUKRAFT: Expanding access, especially in the South and in communities that still get left out. Rolling out injectable PrEP. And just continuing to make sexual healthcare easier and more normal.
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Visible and unapologetic: MAL brings the kink this weekend
Busy lineup includes dances, pups, super heroes, and more
MLK Weekend in D.C. brings the annual Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) Weekend. Just a short walk from where Congress has been attacking queer Americans this year, MAL takes place at the Hyatt Regency Washington for several days of intrigue, excitement, leather, and kink.
The Centaur Motorcycle Club — one of several similar groups dedicated to leather in the country — has been hosting MAL in its current form for more than 40 years. Originally a small gathering of like-minded people interested in the leather lifestyle, MAL has grown to include a full four days of events, taking place onsite at the Hyatt Regency Washington (400 New Jersey Ave., N.W.). Select partner happenings take place each night, and many more non-affiliated events are scattered across the DMV in honor of and inspired by MAL.
MAL Weekend has become an internationally renowned event that celebrates fetish culture, yet it also raises funds for LGBTQ organizations, “reinforcing its legacy as both a cultural and philanthropic cornerstone of the global leather community,” according to MAL organizers.
During the day, MAL events at the Hyatt include workshops, social gatherings, shopping, and other in-person engagements for the community.
“The Hyatt underwent an extensive top to bottom renovation after last year’s event,” says Jeffrey LeGrand-Douglass, the event chair. The lobby, meeting spaces, guest rooms, and other areas have been updated, he notes, “so I am very excited for our guests to experience the new design and layout for the first time. And of course as with every year, we look forward to the contest on Sunday afternoon and seeing who will become our new Mr. MAL.”
In the evening, MAL hands the reins to partner KINETIC Presents, the D.C.-based nightlife production company. KINETIC will host four consecutive nights of high-production events that fuse cutting-edge music, immersive environments, and performance. This year, KINETIC is popping open doors to new-to-MAL venues, international collabs, play zones, and a diverse lineup.
According to KINETIC managing partner Zach Renovátes, 2026 is the most extensive MAL production to date. “The talent lineup is unreal: an all-star roster of international DJs, plus drag superstar performances at the Saturday main event,” he says.
Renovátes added that he’s “most excited about the collaborations happening all weekend — from bringing in MACHO from WE Party Madrid, to teaming up with local leather groups, to nonprofit partners, and Masc Diva [a queer nightlife collective].”
Official MAL events begin on Thursday with the Full Package/Three Day Pass Pick-Up from 5:30-8:30 p.m. at the Hyatt.
Thursday night is also the KINETIC kickoff party, called LUST. Running 10 p.m. – 3 a.m., it’s being held at District Eagle. DJ Jay Garcia holds it down on the first floor, while DJ Mitch Ferrino spins in the expansive upstairs. LUST features special performances from the performers including Serg Shepard, Arrow, Chase, and Masterpiece.
Renovátes notes that the LUST opening party at District Eagle coincides with the bar’s grand re-opening weekend. The bar will unveil its new permanent home on the renovated second floor. “it felt like the perfect place to start Mid-Atlantic Leather weekend — right in D.C.’s only dedicated home for kink communities,” he says.
After Thursday night, Friday is when daytime events begin at the Hyatt. The Exhibit Hall, on the ballroom level below the lobby, hosts upwards of 30 vendors, exhibitors, and booths with leather goods, fetish wear, clothes, toys, other accessories, providing hours of time to shop and connect with attendees and business owners. The Exhibit Hall will be open on Friday from 4-10 p.m., as well as on Saturday and Sunday afternoons.
DC Health is once again back at MAL, to provide preventative health services. In the past, DC Health has provided MPox vaccines, Doxy PEP, HIV testing, Narcan kits, and fentanyl test strips. This booth will be open on Friday 4-10 p.m.
Later, at 6 p.m., the Centaur MC is holding its welcome reception on the ballroom floor. After the Centaur’s Welcome Reception, the MIR Rubber Social is 8-11 p.m. A Recovery Meeting is scheduled at 10 p.m.
Many attendees enjoy visiting the guest room levels of the hotel. Note that to get in an elevator up to a hotel room, a staff member will check for a hotel room wristband. Non-registered guests can only access host hotel rooms if they are escorted by a registered guest with a valid wristband. Registered guests are permitted to escort only one non-registered guest at a time. Non-registered guests with a wristband who are already in the hotel before 10 p.m. may remain until midnight. However, non-registered guests without a wristband will not be admitted after registration closes.
Friday night, for the first time, KINETIC Presents is joining forces with WE Party to bring MACHO to Washington, D.C. This official MAL Friday event delivers two stages and two genres. On the UNCUT XXL stage, international Brazilian circuit superstars Erik Vilar and Anne Louise bring their signature high-energy sound. On the MACHO stage, Madrid’s Charly is joined by Chicago’s tech-house force, Karsten Sollors, for a blend of techno and tech house. UNCUT also features the XL Play Zone, a massive, immersive space exclusive to this event. The party takes place at the Berhta space from 10 p.m.-4 a.m..
“This year we’re bringing back the two-room format we debuted at WorldPride for both Friday and Saturday, so attendees can really tailor their experience — whether they’re in the mood for circuit or tech house.” says Renovátes.
Directly after Friday’s UNCUT XXL, UNDERWORLD Afters takes over District Eagle, from 3:30-8 a.m. International DJ Eliad Cohen commands the music.
Saturday, the Exhibit Hall opens earlier, at 11 a.m.. DC Health will also be back from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Saturday is also time for one of the most anticipated events, the Puppy Mosh, running from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. During the event, pup culture comes to life, when pups, handlers, and friends can enjoy an inclusive, safe pup zone. There is also a Recovery Meeting at 11 a.m., and the IML Judges Announcement takes place at noon.
The popular Super Hero Meet Up will be held 1:30 p.m. – 3 p.m., sponsored by One Magical Weekend, for cosplayers, comic enthusiasts, and their friends.
From 2-6 p.m., the Onyx Fashion Show will take place to showcase and highlight people of color in leather.
Finally, the Leather Cocktail Party – the original event of MAL – will be held 7-9 p.m. in the Ballroom. While this requires special tickets to attend, at 9 p.m. is the MAL cocktail party, which is open to wider attendees.
The last event of Saturday leaves the hotel, again a partnership with KINETIC. Kicking off at 10 p.m. and running until 4 a.m., it’s just the second time that KINETIC’s Saturday night party is an official MAL event and serves as the main weekend engagement.
Saturday night’s centerpiece is called KINK: Double Trouble. The night will feature a first-ever back-to-back set from international electronic music icons Nina Flowers and Alex Acosta on the Circuit/Tribal Stage. The other room – the Tech House Stage – curated by The Carry Nation and Rose, provides a darker, underground counterpoint, reinforcing the event’s musical depth and edge.
Beyond the DJs, KINETIC has called in the big shots for this party: “RuPaul’s Drag Race” legends Nymphia Wind and Plastique Tiara are set to headline. The party also takes place at Berhta.
Sunday, back at the hotel, there will be another Recovery Meeting at 10 a.m., and the Exhibit Hall opens again from 11 a.m.-5 p.m.
At 1 p.m., the anticipated and prestigious Mr. MAL Contest that celebrates the achievements of the leather community will be held in the Ballroom. This highly sought after title gives one man the power to become the Mid-Atlantic Leather man of the year. Sash and title winners must be (1) male, (2), a resident of North America, (3) At least 21 years of age; and (4) self-identify as gay. The first Mr. MAL was crowned in 1985. The Winner of Mr. MAL has the privilege of later competing in International Mr. Leather (IML) in Chicago on Memorial Day Weekend 2025.
From 4 p.m. to 12 a.m., MAL will hold its Game Night for the gaymers in attendance. There will also be a special screening of A24’s new film, “Pillion,” about a man who is swept off his feet when an enigmatic, impossibly handsome biker takes him on as his submissive.
Sunday closes with a community partner event produced by Masc Diva, featuring Horse Meat Disco with support from Coach Chris, at A.I. Warehouse in the Union Market district. It’s the same team that produced HMD during WorldPride at A.I. Warehouse.
Note that there are several types of passes for attendance to the hotel and parties. KINK VIP Weekend Passes include express entry, VIP areas, and enhanced amenities throughout the weekend, while MAL Full Weekend Package holders receive access to the official Sunday closing event.
At last year’s MAL events, KINETIC Presents raised more $150,000 for LGBTQ charities, and expects to match or exceed that impact in 2026.
Renovátes stated that “now more than ever, it’s important to create safe, affirming spaces for our community — but it’s just as important to be visible and unapologetic. We want to make it clear that the LGBTQ+ and leather communities aren’t going anywhere. We’ve fought too long and too hard to ever feel like we have to shrink ourselves again, no matter what the political climate looks like.”
In addition to the KINETIC events, various LGBTQ bars will hold parties celebrating the theme of the weekend. For example, Kiki, located on U Street NW, is hosting a party called KINKI, hosted by DJ Dez, on Saturday night. Sister bar Shakiki, on 9th Street NW, is hosting a party called Railed Out, a fetish-inspired party that features a play zone, on Thursday night. Flash, on U Street NW, will hold its infamous Flashy Sunday party to close out the weekend.
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Queer highlights of the 2026 Critics Choice Awards: Aunt Gladys, that ‘Heated Rivalry’ shoutout and more
Amy Madigan’s win in the supporting actress category puts her in serious contention to win the Oscar for ‘Weapons’
From Chelsea Handler shouting out Heated Rivalry in her opening monologue to Amy Madigan proving that horror performances can (and should) be taken seriously, the Critics Choice Awards provided plenty of iconic moments for queer movie fans to celebrate on the long road to Oscar night.
Handler kicked off the ceremony by recapping the biggest moments in pop culture last year, from Wicked: For Good to Sinners. She also made room to joke about the surprise hit TV sensation on everyone’s minds: “Shoutout to Heated Rivalry. Everyone loves it! Gay men love it, women love it, straight men who say they aren’t gay but work out at Equinox love it!”
The back-to-back wins for Jacob Elordi in Frankenstein and Amy Madigan in Weapons are notable, given the horror bias that awards voters typically have. Aunt Gladys instantly became a pop culture phenomenon within the LGBTQ+ community when Zach Cregger’s hit horror comedy released in August, but the thought that Madigan could be a serious awards contender for such a fun, out-there performance seemed improbable to most months ago. Now, considering the sheer amount of critics’ attention she’s received over the past month, there’s no denying she’s in the running for the Oscar.
“I really wasn’t expecting all of this because I thought people would like the movie, and I thought people would dig Gladys, but you love Gladys! I mean, it’s crazy,” Madigan said during her acceptance speech. “I get [sent] makeup tutorials and paintings. I even got one weird thing about how she’s a sex icon also, which I didn’t go too deep into that one.”
Over on the TV side, Rhea Seehorn won in the incredibly competitive best actress in a drama series category for her acclaimed performance as Carol in Pluribus, beating out the likes of Emmy winner Britt Lower for Severance, Carrie Coon for The White Lotus, and Bella Ramsey for The Last of Us. Pluribus, which was created by Breaking Bad’s showrunner Vince Gilligan, has been celebrated by audiences for its rich exploration of queer trauma and conversion therapy.
Jean Smart was Hack’s only win of the night, as Hannah Einbinder couldn’t repeat her Emmy victory in the supporting actress in a comedy series category against Janelle James, who nabbed a trophy for Abbott Elementary. Hacks lost the best comedy series award to The Studio, as it did at the Emmys in September. And in the limited series category, Erin Doherty repeated her Emmy success in supporting actress, joining in yet another Adolescence awards sweep.
As Oscar fans speculate on what these Critics Choice wins mean for future ceremonies, we have next week’s Golden Globes ceremony to look forward to on Jan. 11.
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