Advice
Time to dump depressed, out-of-work girlfriend?
Shyness that’s debilitating is sign of a more serious issue


(Photo courtesy of Bigstock)
Michael,
My girlfriend Kristen lost her job almost a year ago and my patience is wearing thin.
If I were in her shoes, I would be networking with everyone I know to find a job. But Kristen just applies to jobs she sees online.
I also think I would find part-time work to get out of the house, keep up my energy and bring in some income. I’m getting fed up with paying for everything. Instead, Kristen sleeps late, stays at home and spends hours in front of the television, which can’t be helpful to her finding a job or to her mood.
I’ve offered to coach her on how to be more outgoing and network. Despite my ongoing encouragement, she won’t step out of her comfort zone. She says she’s too shy and I have to let her do things her way. I think her shyness contributed to her getting fired, which makes me certain she needs to get better at social interactions.
I found her shyness attractive when we met two years ago. She had a modest job but found it fulfilling and that was fine with me. I don’t need her to make a lot of money, just be able to support herself.
When friends ask how she’s doing, I’m embarrassed and wonder if they think I am a loser for dating her. Many of my friends are couples where both women are pretty driven. I’m wondering if I am caught up in some kind of unrealistic Washington standard.
I’m feeling less attracted to Kristen lately and find myself snapping at her or making sarcastic remarks a lot of the time. I don’t feel good about my behavior and it’s not helping her find a job. But just acting like everything is normal doesn’t help either. Nothing I do seems to help.
I wonder if I should end the relationship. I don’t want to spend my life supporting someone who can’t get out of bed. Does that make me shallow?
Michael replies:
When you try to “rescue” someone who could actually help themselves, you usually wind up creating a mess. You get resentful that the other person won’t take your advice and they get resentful over being told what to do.
You appear to be headed in that direction. Kristen knows her own personality and states that she does not want to be pushed. If she doesn’t want to put herself out in the world as you would, she doesn’t have to. You can’t force her to change her approach.
You also don’t have to keep supporting Kristen financially or even stay with her. But don’t threaten Kristen with these consequences in hope of getting her to do what you want; that will erode whatever love and goodwill exists between you two.
You can certainly let Kristen know how unhappy you are with the situation. This is different from threatening her or trying to force her to change. Perhaps knowing where you stand will lead her to take action. If not, you will have to decide if you are willing to remain in this relationship under the current circumstances.
All that said, consider some other possibilities:
First, Kristen may actually not be in a position to help herself. You have a girlfriend who sleeps a lot, doesn’t leave the house much, stares at the TV for hours on end and is making minimal effort to improve her life. Like you, I have a hunch that Kristen is depressed.
If that is true, Kristen really could use your support to get a grip on her life. Depression can be paralyzing.
How can you help? Sadly, there’s no guarantee that you can, because you can’t always get someone else to see that they have a problem.
Your best chance would be to raise the possibility of depression with Kristen in as gentle and non-critical a way as possible. If she thinks you have a point, perhaps she’d be willing to make some moves to improve her mood, such as doing aerobic exercise, stopping alcohol consumption if she does drink (alcohol is a depressant) or even considering psychotherapy.
I’d also suggest you explore with Kristen the possibility that she has social anxiety. There’s nothing wrong with being shy, but when shyness interferes with our ability to function in the world as you say it does with Kristen, we should take action to stretch beyond our limitations.
With regard to the possibility that you are looking at Kristen through a lens distorted by DC standards of success, yes, this is a competitive town of high achievers, but wanting a partner who ultimately can stand on her own is not an outrageously high bar.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
Am I the only gay man who doesn’t sleep around?
Seeking friend group less interested in drugs, partying

Dear Michael,
I am a 22-year-old man and I am starting to hate being gay.
It’s not that I feel bad about being attracted to men. I would love to date a guy, get married, and spend my life with him. My problem is that the values of the gay men I am meeting have nothing to do with what I want in life.
I’ve been living in D.C. for almost a year now and pretty much all I come across are guys who want to have sex with as many hot men as possible.
Relationships, commitment, and honesty don’t seem to mean anything, as far as I can tell. I’ve had guys in long-term relationships hit on me or propose threesomes with their partners. My ex-boyfriend was hooking up on Grindr multiple times per week after we had agreed to be exclusive. When I found out, he told me that it’s impossible for a gay guy not to sleep around.
What is it with gay men? Everyone seems to predominantly focus on sex. Whenever I go out to brunch with my gay friends, people are showing pictures and sometimes even X-rated videos of their latest hookups. Sex isn’t something special, just a recreational activity/competition.
None of my straight friends act anything remotely like this.
Also, pretty much every gay man I spend time with seems to love getting trashed. I’m not anti-alcohol but I don’t see the fun in getting completely drunk regularly. I’m wary of recreational drugs but guys around me use them nonchalantly all the time. What kind of connection can you have with people around you when all of you are drunk or high on something?
I’ve tried to talk with my gay friends about how I feel but they respond like I’m from another planet, as if I’m questioning why they want to breathe oxygen.
I just think there’s a lot more to life than hooking up, that people should treat each other as more than just potential sex partners, and that sleeping around when I’m in a relationship doesn’t make for a great relationship. But I seem to be the only gay man I know who feels this way.
I don’t want to live the kind of life I see all around me. But I worry that unless I give up my values, I’m going to be lonely.
Michael replies:
What kind of life will you have if you give up your values? Could you respect yourself or create a life that is meaningful and that you would enjoy?
We all face pressure to conform to those around us so that we will fit in. Doing so is understandable. As you describe, it can be lonely to be on the outside. But betraying who you actually are is a high price to pay for acceptance.
This is why people come out. And this is why, despite the peer pressure, you are the only person who should decide the kind of life you want to lead as a gay man.
There is little point in discussing the many possible reasons why many gay men dedicate so much time and energy to sex. Everyone is free to choose how they want to live and what they want to focus on. And this includes you.
You can’t change other people or a community. But I’m hopeful you can find a community of friends with whom you are a better fit. I know you are far from alone in feeling as you do, because I regularly hear stories similar to yours in my practice. So rather than settling, keep looking, and look beyond the ways in which you’ve made your social life so far. The friend group you develop may not be as large as your current circle of acquaintances. (Or it may be larger!) In any case, you’d likely find it far more nurturing, and a lot more fun, to spend time with others who are more like-minded.
It is not easy to feel like the odd man out. And when you want a different life from what most of your peers are seeking, it’s easy to doubt that you are OK. I’m sure you already know this from having grown up gay.
When we come out, we have the hope that we will finally have a real peer group and won’t feel so different anymore. But that’s not always the case. Gay men are not one homogenous group and many of us have to do some searching to find some people with whom we really connect.
You are doing important work in thinking about who you are and how you want to live. I hope you will make the choice to honor your time on earth by living it authentically.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality.
Advice
Working from home is taking over our lives
We need to create boundaries and return to offices


Back in the late 1980s when I was a young financial analyst at a New York bank, I’d leave the office at five and go home to my little Upper West Side studio. With no cable, internet, or cellphone, a landline was my only connection to the outside word till I went back to work the next day.
What was it like? Tranquility is the word. Surrounded by Manhattan, I was as isolated as a monk in a cell, with uninterrupted hours to read a book, cook, or listen to an album. And of course I could go out on the town without a work crisis reaching out to ruin my plans.
I’ve been thinking back to those days a lot, lately. Working as a psychologist, I’m hearing more and more clients complain lately about how much time they’re putting into their jobs. Folks have been working from home for a year now, and as the months have gone by, many of us are spending more and more hours on the job.
What’s going on? I hear a few justifications.
First, many people tell me that they don’t feel they have an excuse not to reply when they get a text or email from a boss or colleague after normal work hours. After all, what else would they be doing? This is especially true of my single clients who don’t have children. Even dinnertime isn’t off limits.
Second, as the pandemic drags on and most of us have so few sources of fun and stimulation, people are turning more and more to their jobs for something — anything — to keep them occupied.
And, of course, there’s the reality that we’re working from our homes. There’s no physical boundary keeping work at work.
So while it’s great not to have to commute or wear pants, working from home is making it even easier for our jobs to take over our lives than they already were. Put bluntly, this sucks.
We all need a break from work. Every day. Your job likely isn’t paying you for 16-hour days. Even if it is, you need to have some fun, rest, and recharge your brain.
Of course we can’t shut ourselves off from the world as completely as I did in those pre-internet/cellphone days. But we need to draw a boundary, even if it means disappointing our employers and colleagues by doing so. I’m not talking about not doing your job. I’m just talking about setting a limit on how much of your life you are willing to give to your work.
Standing up for your own well-being can be scary. There may be real risks in terms of job security and compensation. Only you can decide for yourself when it is vital to say “no.” But advocating for yourself is necessary at times. To quote Hillel, an ancient Jewish sage: “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?”
Taking action on your own behalf is also a skill you want to develop, because it will help you in all areas of your life. If you can’t say “no” in order to eat dinner uninterrupted, watch a movie you’d like to see, spend time with someone you love or get a good night’s sleep, you’re going to get chewed up and spit out by others, quite a lot.
Recently, I’ve been reading that D.C.’s downtown is in danger of financial ruin. As many people may not be be returning to the office after the pandemic, some believe that the whole web of service businesses may collapse.
I’m hoping that the doomsdayers floating this theory are wrong, and that as the pandemic ends many of us will head back to the office, at least much of the time. We need to get back to setting a stronger boundary between work and the rest of our lives.
Yes, we’ll be helping our city rebound. And we’ll also be making a big step toward taking care of ourselves, by re-constructing a life that’s about way more than work.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com.
Advice
ADVICE: Despair vs. resilience in trying times
Coronavirus lockdown has many down but you’re stronger than you think


As the COVID-19 crisis goes on without our having any clarity about how or when this crazy situation will improve, most everyone I know is super-anxious about getting sick, fed up with being locked down or both. Is there a way for us to get through this any easier?
Here’s a start: Acknowledge that there are no guarantees in life.
When we accept that life is going to throw all sorts of challenges at us and that there is sometimes nothing we can do to stop these challenges from coming, that leaves us with one great option: Work on becoming more resilient so we can better deal with the hard stuff, including the very hard stuff.
This is called resilience. Being able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and keep going forward. Cliché, yes, but it’s what we need to do if we don’t want life to beat us down.
Good news: resilience is a trait we are born with. As I’m writing these words, I’m watching my 4-month-old, who recently learned to turn from his back onto his belly, trying to turn from his belly onto his back. He’s been at this for days, and has succeeded just once. He keeps crying and trying. He won’t give up. That’s resilience.
Further good news: If you’re LGBT, you likely have already done some work in this area. All the difficulties that we experience as we grow up — struggling to accept an identity that’s stigmatized, teasing, rejection and worse — and here we are. How? All of us found a way to keep moving forward in our lives rather than letting circumstances defeat us.
Of course, this is pretty much true of anyone who has been through tough times and survived. Many of our elders who experienced the Depression, wartime, or worse tell us that they aren’t fazed by the virus or having to stay at home. Having endured previous struggles, they know they can do their best to endure this one.
That’s what all of us must keep in mind now. Knowing that we have had the resilience to get through past difficulties can support us in getting through this new hard time.
Another important point to keep in mind: When we give our suffering meaning, it helps us endure the suffering. Reminding ourselves that striving to endure this tough period will make us even more resilient can actually help us to more easily endure it.
Other ways we can strengthen our own capacity for resilience:
Do our best to take care of ourselves, of course. When we eat well, find a way to exercise, get adequate sleep and take breaks from virus-worrying through meditation or just focusing on something pleasant or uplifting, we’re less anxious and better able to keep calm. The ability to soothe ourselves is key to being resilient.
Stay connected to people around us so that we don’t wind up feeling isolated and alone, which can deepen feelings of hopelessness. We all need supportive friends and family whom we can ask for assistance when we really need it to survive. Knowing that they are there is part of feeling resilient. And if we’re able to help others in some way — dropping off groceries for an elderly relative or neighbor, or simply being willing to listen — we’re likely to feel stronger and more able to cope.
Appreciate what we have. This can include a roof over our head, food to eat, people and companion animals we love and simply being alive right now. Doing will serve us much better than lamenting.
While none of us will live forever, we all want to stay in the game as long as we can. Striving to be resilient can help us keep going forward through life with the belief that if it’s possible to survive, we have a good shot at doing so. And that belief can give us hope, determination and a positive outlook.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay individuals and couples in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com.
-
National5 days ago
Target stores across the country receive bomb threats over LGBTQ merchandise
-
Opinions23 hours ago
Republicans prove how vile and frightening they can be
-
Africa3 days ago
Ugandan president signs Anti-Homosexuality Act
-
The White House3 days ago
Biden condemns signing of Uganda’s Anti-Homosexuality Act
-
Bars & Parties4 days ago
Top LGBTQ events this week
-
Photos5 days ago
PHOTOS: Caroline County Pride
-
Asia23 hours ago
Second Japanese court rules same-sex marriage ban is unconstitutional
-
Texas4 days ago
Texas attorney general impeached, suspended pending outcome of Senate trial