Health
No one would have expected me to attempt suicide
Successful career, busy social life hid reality of depression

Editor’s note: The Blade has covered several suicides in our community in recent months. Sadly, the holidays are a time of increased anxiety, isolation, and depression for many. The following is a first-person account of surviving suicide along with resources and information on where to get help if you are in crisis. There is an abundance of resources addressing the unique needs of the LGBTQ community. If you have a personal story you’d like to share with Blade readers about overcoming suicidal ideation, depression, addiction, or isolation, please email us at [email protected].
In late winter 2015 it would have seemed that I had everything going for me — a successful drag career (hosting at Town Friday and Saturday nights), and an extremely busy priesthood that consumed my time, especially with preparation for the upcoming holidays. My family life contained the usual stressors. I have plenty of friends, acquaintances, and a handful of very close friends, and dare I say a few fans.
Looking from the outside, my life seemed normal (normal for me). No one would have ever expected me to consider suicide. More and more, depression continually rolled over me like a tidal wave and I found myself with no purpose or defense. I had experienced depression before, but never to this magnitude. It became unbearable; a feeling of worthlessness and sheer sadness with anxiety that consumed me. My days were filled with pain and my nights with unrelenting insomnia, one right after the other.
Being a person of faith required that I make peace with my decision and my creator. I believed that a God who so loves me would not want me to suffer under such a crushing weight of depression. The Lord is a God of mercy, and how could a merciful God show anything but mercy? I realized that suicide was my best option, despite the many resources available to me, such as The National Suicide Prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255), the various suicide prevention organizations (The Trevor Project, A.F.S.P., Outreach by the DC Center), and now the newly established 988 number.
I availed myself of none. I reached out to no one. I believed no one would understand my situation. I was embarrassed that I could not handle my own life and therefore concluded that taking my own life would cause little fuss.
So, on Dec. 6, 2015, I Googled “What are the least painful ways to kill yourself?” No. 2 in the search was “shoot yourself in the heart.” The page promised it would be quick and painless. So, I devised a plan, the first thing I needed to do was pick a day. I picked Dec. 11, 2015. I made a list of all the other things I needed or wanted to get accomplished before the day. Chores as simple as getting my hair cut and setting out the clothes I wanted to be buried in. I decided on a last meal. A very simple shrimp salad from Cameron’s on 16th Street. The writing of 12 individual handwritten letters (which were to serve as my suicide notes). I wrote a special letter to the boys who were going to take care of my everything, my French Bulldog Christian, He would stay with me until the end, and then he would be someone else’s love.
If anything, during this period my depression and hopelessness had grown even deeper. It was a bitter cold day on the 11th of December. At 2:55 p.m., I took a 38-caliber revolver, placed it over my heart and pulled the trigger. The loud noise and smell are what I remember first. It was so loud my ears were ringing and the smell of gunpowder filled the area I was standing in (not a pleasant odor). It is nothing like we see in the movies or on television. First and foremost what I found shocking to me was that I did not fall down, but instead I was walking around for 8-10 minutes before the bullet had done enough damage causing me to lie down and eventually pass out.
I thought I must have done it wrong. After all, why was I still upright and moving around? Then the pain started to set in. Oh, the pain! The greatest pain I have ever felt in my life. I would later reflect that it was the pain that caused me to eventually pass out, that is how severe it was. I passed out before the ambulance arrived. I was lucky enough to have a friend call for emergency services. Once I arrived at MedStar I underwent a 21-hour surgery. The bullet missed my heart by three centimeters; further proof that Americans are awful at the metric system. I was put in a medically induced coma for 10 days. I would later have three additional surgeries to correct various issues. The bullet nicked a rib and traveled downward. I spent a month and three weeks in the hospital. The surgeons removed a portion of my liver, and completely removed my gallbladder, spleen, a portion of my lower intestine and appendix. Likewise, they repaired some major damage done to my stomach.
Waking up with my wrists bound and a breathing tube down my throat was horrific (I would rather have died). At first, I was angry that I had not succeeded. I could not believe where I found myself — it was not supposed to be like this! Once the breathing tube was removed my recovery began and, with it, a whole new story. During recovery I had to avail myself of counseling and was diagnosed with severe depression and acute anxiety. I was started on numerous medications and therapy.
Throughout all of this, I was fortunate enough to have many visitors from the community — friends, family, and some folks I had only known from interacting socially at the club. Perhaps one of the more profound lessons I learned through this process is that my death would have caused pain for so may people.
I keep up with my counseling and medications to minimize suicidal thoughts. To someone who is suicidal and it seems like it is the only option out, you are wrong. It requires courage to reach out. Depression is worn inwards and it can weigh a ton at times. But no one has to go through this alone. There are plenty of groups that specialize in helping those who are suicidal especially in OUR LGBT community.
CRISIS RESOURCES
988. The new 988 suicide and crisis lifeline is available 24 hours/day and offers telephone and online chat.
The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386. The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ young people ages 13-24.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (online chat available).The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential support to people in suicidal crisis 24/7.
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741, a free, 24/7 support for those in crisis.
The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: 888-843-4564. Provides telephone, online private one-to-one chat and email peer-support, as well as information and local resources across the United States.
Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860. Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources
The True Colors United, 212-461-4401. The True Colors Fund works to end homelessness among LGBTQ youth.
Self Abuse Finally Ends (S.A.F.E). Addresses individuals coping with non-suicidal self-injury, including locally based information, support and therapy referrals.
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233. Operating around the clock, seven days a week, confidential and free, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides lifesaving tools and immediate support to enable victims to find safety and live lives free of abuse.
Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN): 800-656-HOPE/800-810-7440 (TTY). The nation’s largest organization fighting sexual violence, RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
SMYAL, smyal.org. D.C.-based organization advocating for LGBTQ youth.
D.C. Department of Mental Health Access Helpline, 888-7WE-HELP.
Wanda Alston Foundation (202-733-3643) in D.C. provides transitional living and support services to homeless and at-risk LGBTQ youth ages 18-24.
(This list was compiled by PFLAG and Blade staff )
Monkeypox
US contributes more than $90 million to fight mpox outbreak in Africa
WHO and Africa CDC has declared a public health emergency

The U.S. has contributed more than $90 million to the fight against the mpox outbreak in Africa.
The U.S. Agency for International Development on Tuesday in a press release announced “up to an additional” $35 million “in emergency health assistance to bolster response efforts for the clade I mpox outbreak in Central and Eastern Africa, pending congressional notification.” The press release notes the Biden-Harris administration previously pledged more than $55 million to fight the outbreak in Congo and other African countries.
“The additional assistance announced today will enable USAID to continue working closely with affected countries, as well as regional and global health partners, to expand support and reduce the impact of this outbreak as it continues to evolve,” it reads. “USAID support includes assistance with surveillance, diagnostics, risk communication and community engagement, infection prevention and control, case management, and vaccination planning and coordination.”
The World Health Organization and the Africa Centers for Disease Control and Prevention last week declared the outbreak a public health emergency.
The Washington Blade last week reported there are more than 17,000 suspected mpox cases across in Congo, Uganda, Kenya, Rwanda, and other African countries. The outbreak has claimed more than 500 lives, mostly in Congo.
Health
Mpox outbreak in Africa declared global health emergency
ONE: 10 million vaccine doses needed on the continent

Medical facilities that provide treatment to gay and bisexual men in some East African countries are already collaborating with them to prevent the spread of a new wave of mpox cases after the World Health Organization on Wednesday declared a global health emergency.
The collaboration, both in Uganda and Kenya, comes amid WHO’s latest report released on Aug. 12, which reveals that nine out of every 10 reported mpox cases are men with sex as the most common cause of infection.
The global mpox outbreak report — based on data that national authorities collected between January 2022 and June of this year — notes 87,189 of the 90,410 reported cases were men. Ninety-six percent of whom were infected through sex.
Sexual contact as the leading mode of transmission accounted for 19,102 of 22,802 cases, followed by non-sexual person-to-person contact. Genital rash was the most common symptom, followed by fever and systemic rash.
The WHO report states the pattern of mpox virus transmission has persisted over the last six months, with 97 percent of new cases reporting sexual contact through oral, vaginal, or anal sex with infected people.
“Sexual transmission has been recorded in the Democratic Republic of Congo among sex workers and men who have sex with men,” the report reads. “Among cases exposed through sexual contact in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, some individuals present only with genital lesions, rather than the more typical extensive rash associated with the virus.”
The growing mpox cases, which are now more than 2,800 reported cases in at least 13 African countries that include Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, and prompted the Africa Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week to declare the disease a public health emergency for resource mobilization on the continent to tackle it.
“Africa has long been on the frontlines in the fight against infectious diseases, often with limited resources,” said Africa CDC Director General Jean Kaseya. “The battle against Mpox demands a global response. We need your support, expertise, and solidarity. The world cannot afford to turn a blind eye to this crisis.”
The disease has so far claimed more than 500 lives, mostly in Congo, even as the Africa CDC notes suspected mpox cases across the continent have surged past 17,000, compared to 7,146 cases in 2022 and 14,957 cases last year.
“This is just the tip of the iceberg when we consider the many weaknesses in surveillance, laboratory testing, and contact tracing,” Kaseya said.
WHO, led by Director General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, also followed the Africa CDC’s move by declaring the mpox outbreak a public health emergency of international concern.
The latest WHO report reveals that men, including those who identify as gay and bisexual, constitute most mpox cases in Kenya and Uganda. The two countries have recorded their first cases, and has put queer rights organizations and health care centers that treat the LGBTQ community on high alert.
The Uganda Minority Shelters Consortium, for example, confirmed to the Washington Blade that the collaboration with health service providers to prevent the spread of mpox among gay and bisexual men is “nascent and uneven.”
“While some community-led health service providers such as Ark Wellness Clinic, Children of the Sun Clinic, Ice Breakers Uganda Clinic, and Happy Family Youth Clinic, have demonstrated commendable efforts, widespread collaboration on mpox prevention remains a significant gap,” UMSC Coordinator John Grace stated. “This is particularly evident when compared to the response to the previous Red Eyes outbreak within the LGBT community.”
Grace noted that as of Wednesday, there were no known queer-friendly health service providers to offer mpox vaccinations to men who have sex with men. He called for health care centers to provide inclusive services and a more coordinated approach.
Although Grace pointed out the fear of discrimination — and particularly Uganda’s Anti-Homosexuality Act — remains a big barrier to mpox prevention through testing, vaccination, and treatment among queer people, he confirmed no mpox cases have been reported among the LGBTQ community.
Uganda so far has reported two mpox cases — refugees who had travelled from Congo.
“We are for the most part encouraging safer sex practices even after potential future vaccinations are conducted as it can also be spread through bodily fluids like saliva and sweat,” Grace said.
Grace also noted that raising awareness about mpox among the queer community and seeking treatment when infected remains a challenge due to the historical and ongoing homophobic stigma and that more comprehensive and reliable advocacy is needed. He said Grindr and other digital platforms have been crucial in raising awareness.
The declarations of mpox as a global health emergency have already attracted demand for global leaders to support African countries to swiftly obtain the necessary vaccines and diagnostics.
“History shows we must act quickly and decisively when a public health emergency strikes. The current Mpox outbreak in Africa is one such emergency,” said ONE Global Health Senior Policy Director Jenny Ottenhoff.
ONE is a global, nonpartisan organization that advocates for the investments needed to create economic opportunities and healthier lives in Africa.
Ottenhoff warned failure to support the African countries with medical supplies needed to tackle mpox would leave the continent defenseless against the virus.
To ensure that African countries are adequately supported, ONE wants governments and pharmaceutical companies to urgently increase the provision of mpox vaccines so that the most affected African countries have affordable access to them. It also notes 10 million vaccine doses are currently needed to control the mpox outbreak in Africa, yet the continent has only 200,000 doses.
The Blade has reached out to Ishtar MSM, a community-based healthcare center in Nairobi, Kenya, that offers to service to gay and bisexual men, about their response to the mpox outbreak.
Health
White House urged to expand PrEP coverage for injectable form
HIV/AIDS service organizations made call on Wednesday

A coalition of 63 organizations dedicated to ending HIV called on the Biden-Harris administration on Wednesday to require insurers to cover long-acting pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) without cost-sharing.
In a letter to Chiquita Brooks-LaSure, administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, the groups emphasized the need for broad and equitable access to PrEP free of insurance barriers.
Long-acting PrEP is an injectable form of PrEP that’s effective over a long period of time. The FDA approved Apretude (cabotegravir extended-release injectable suspension) as the first and only long-acting injectable PrEP in late 2021. It’s intended for adults and adolescents weighing at least 77 lbs. who are at risk for HIV through sex.
The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force updated its recommendation for PrEP on Aug. 22, 2023, to include new medications such as the first long-acting PrEP drug. The coalition wants CMS to issue guidance requiring insurers to cover all forms of PrEP, including current and future FDA-approved drugs.
“Long-acting PrEP can be the answer to low PrEP uptake, particularly in communities not using PrEP today,” said Carl Schmid, executive director of the HIV+Hepatitis Policy Institute. “The Biden administration has an opportunity to ensure that people with private insurance can access PrEP now and into the future, free of any cost-sharing, with properly worded guidance to insurers.”
Currently, only 36 percent of those who could benefit from PrEP are using it. Significant disparities exist among racial and ethnic groups. Black people constitute 39 percent of new HIV diagnoses but only 14 percent of PrEP users, while Latinos represent 31 percent of new diagnoses but only 18 percent of PrEP users. In contrast, white people represent 24 percent of HIV diagnoses but 64 percent of PrEP users.
The groups also want CMS to prohibit insurers from employing prior authorization for PrEP, citing it as a significant barrier to access. Several states, including New York and California, already prohibit prior authorization for PrEP.
Modeling conducted for HIV+Hep, based on clinical trials of a once every 2-month injection, suggests that 87 percent more HIV cases would be averted compared to daily oral PrEP, with $4.25 billion in averted healthcare costs over 10 years.
Despite guidance issued to insurers in July 2021, PrEP users continue to report being charged cost-sharing for both the drug and ancillary services. A recent review of claims data found that 36 percent of PrEP users were charged for their drugs, and even 31 percent of those using generic PrEP faced cost-sharing.
The coalition’s letter follows a more detailed communication sent by HIV+Hepatitis Policy Institute to the Biden administration on July 2.
Signatories to the community letter include Advocates for Youth, AIDS United, Equality California, Fenway Health, Human Rights Campaign, and the National Coalition of STD Directors, among others.