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I survived overwhelming grief thanks to unexpected support systems

A lifeline I didn’t know I had — or needed

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The author (right) with his brother Tom Alexander (left) and husband Paul (center).

When tragedy strikes, you never know what will happen next. What’s the next punch in the gut that will knock you unconscious? That is what happened to me on March 20, 2021, when my beautiful, healthy, loving brother Tom died suddenly of a heart attack. A man who was 53 years old, ran five miles a day, and ate salads, tuna, and grilled chicken. And here I was, his younger brother, who sometimes eats poorly and rarely exercises, left to pick up the pieces once again. 

The news came as a shock. My husband and I were relaxing, reading the paper and having a mimosa. Then, my brother’s mother-in-law called. As she relayed to me what had happened, I blacked out, unable to comprehend what she was saying. In fact, I did not even know who she was. I handed the phone to my husband, confused and convinced that what was happening was not actually happening. But it was happening. My brother was dead, and my precious 15-year-old niece was alone with him when it occurred.

I collapsed on the floor and was inconsolable, and I remained in that state for hours. Even our two cats were concerned, circling me nonstop, as I loudly wailed and screamed, noises they had never heard in the 11 years since we adopted them from the shelter. Finally, my husband Paul told me that I had to call my parents to tell them what had happened. Somehow, I mustered the strength to do so, recalling the similar moment in 1997 when my parents called me to inform me that my oldest brother David had died by suicide. I called them, but I don’t remember much of what I said. All I remember was my mom saying, “Not Tom!” Next, I called my mom’s sister and informed her of the news. More shock, grief, anguish, and confusion. Worried about my parents being alone, I left messages with their friends, Jack and Nina, and asked if they could go over and be with them until I could get there. 

My husband, Paul, and I struggled that day to simply figure out how and when to fly to South Carolina to be with my family. I was completely useless, unable to do anything to help with arrangements. Paul put aside his grief for the loss of his brother-in-law and friend to take care of me, like he’s always done. And ever since, he has continued to do so—through all of my anxiety attacks, grief, anger, and inability to attend social functions. He has been my rock, and my love for him has never been greater. 

What happened in the days after I got to South Carolina remains a blur — flowers, gifts, kind calls, me having to write my brother’s obituary and help with arrangements, including picking up the death certificate — on my birthday no less. What also happened was silence. Silence from friends and family members who I assumed would be there in my greatest moment of need but were surprisingly absent. Finally, my good friend Kevin said it best: “Don’t focus on those who have disappointed you; focus on those who have surprised you by being there.” 

Great advice? Yes. Easy to follow? Not exactly. 

However, I followed Kevin’s advice. I was confident that I could rely on my closest group of friends — the “Balt 8” (named for eight of us who became great friends while living in Baltimore). Later that year, while attending my first party since Tom’s death, I had a horrific anxiety attack, and Kevin asked no questions and instead took me for a long walk in the cold and misty rain. My best friend, Joy, who I have known since college and is like a sister to me, was there day and night. My close friend Maureen sent me TV recommendations to help make me laugh. 

While I knew that the Balt 8 would lift me up, what I remember the most during this time were the people who unexpectedly came to my rescue. 

After Tom died, one of the first people who reached out to me was Renee, a friend from high school who I had not seen in person since our graduation in 1988. Suddenly this long-lost high school classmate became a rock who I would rely on for months to come and who sent care baskets filled with goodies from her home state of Louisiana. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me — on Jan. 6, 2021, when I, along, with most Americans watched in horror as a mob besieged the U.S. Capitol, I was living not too far away. Too shaken by what I had witnessed, I called my supervisor at The Trevor Project to let them know that I would not be able to perform my volunteer shift that night. Anxiously, I waited for my husband to get home safely from work when I saw an incoming call via Facebook Messenger. It was Renee. She just wanted to make sure that my husband and I were safe. 

Other friends came through via simple acts — my friends Tim and Regan in Seattle held a candlelit vigil for my brother whom they had never met, while my friend Steve sends me texts often just to see how I was doing.

While we live in Washington, D.C., we still keep our sailboat in Baltimore where we were lucky enough to land on the marina’s J-Dock and quickly made friends. Self-dubbed “The Island of Misfit Toys,” after the classic Christmas special, somehow, we were all brought together and became friends. During my grief period, everyone on the J-Dock brought something different to the table. Some brought tenderness and love; others brought levity with crude jokes that I was embarrassed to laugh at. Our boat neighbor Carrie asked me each morning how I was doing, and when I was having a tough day, she’d recommend we go to the pool, where we would relax, have a cocktail and laugh nonstop, usually at ourselves. When the bouquet of flowers for Tom’s funeral arrived from the J-Dock, it was obvious that Carrie, a fellow college football fan, had chosen it — the beautiful orange and purple flowers were a testament to my brother’s beloved favorite team, the Clemson Tigers. It was very typical of Carrie — she shows her love in a quiet, reserved way, but it’s still felt strongly.

While I appreciated everyone’s support at the marina, there are two friends that I relied on more than any — Jon and Jill. 

After Tom’s death, I learned that my family has a history of heart disease. I went to my doctor and had every conceivable heart-related test, and thankfully, there was no evidence of heart disease. However, that didn’t completely eliminate my fears. The thoughts kept racing in my head: “Tom was the healthy one, so how can I be OK?One day, I called Jon to ask him if he could stay on the phone with me, as I was having an anxiety attack. With his trademark humor, he quickly said, “You are not having a heart attack, drama queen.” But then he added, “I’ll be right there.” And he was, time and time again. 

Later that summer, I had a similar anxiety attack, and I texted Jill. Luckily, she works from her boat, so she was home, and when I asked if she had a few minutes, instinctively, she knew something was up. Within seconds, I could feel my boat shift, signaling that someone was coming aboard, and there was Jill with her chihuahua, Little Dog, to help calm my nerves. “I don’t know what to do,” Jill admitted. I explained that I didn’t either. “Why don’t we go for a walk and get off our boats?” she suggested. I agreed to walk just around the marina, as I did not feel emotionally strong enough to leave the safety net of the docks. We discussed what anxiety feels like, but we also enjoyed our surroundings and Little Dog’s idiosyncrasies. And I laughed. Thank goodness, I laughed. 

My brother’s death also resulted in a seismic shift in my relationship with his ex-wife, Chris. On the surface, Tom and Chris’s relationship may have seemed unconventional to many — over the course of 30-plus years, they dated, broke up, dated again, married and divorced, but through it all, they remained best friends. They hung out together all the time, ran together several times a week, and, most importantly, they raised their amazing and kind daughter, Jordan. 

When my oldest brother David died by suicide in 1997, Tom was the one who found him. Even though they were not dating at the time, Chris was there for my family, and, most importantly, Tom. Tom was frustratingly closed off emotionally sometimes, and never more so than after David’s death. Chris was the one person who could get him to open up, so thankfully he clung to her.

While Chris and I at times had grown apart since the divorce, Tom’s death thrust us back together. We were no longer simply former in-laws and friends; we were partners in pain. 

Will I survive this? Yes, because I have no other choice. How? I have no idea, but I have to hold onto hope that whenever I am struggling, there will be someone who will unexpectedly fill my heart with love. 

Gregory J. Alexander is a freelance writer and editor who lives in Washington, D.C., with his husband, Paul, and two cats. 

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Support the Blade as mainstream media bend the knee for Trump

From CBS to Washington Post, MAGA taking over messaging

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We knew it would be bad. I’m referring, of course, to 2025 and the unthinkable return of Donald Trump to the White House. 

We just didn’t know how bad. The takeover of D.C. police. ICE raids and agents shooting defenseless citizens in the face. The cruel attacks on trans Americans. A compliant and complicit right-wing Supreme Court and GOP rubberstamping all the criminality and madness.

Much of that was outlined in Project 2025 and was predictable. But what has proven surprising is the speed with which major companies, powerful billionaires, and media conglomerates have hopped on board the authoritarian train and kissed Trump’s ring. Tech giants like Apple and Meta and media companies like CBS and the Washington Post have folded like cheap tents, caving to MAGA pressure and enabling Trump’s evil agenda.

The guardrails collapsed in 2025. Congress has ceded its role as a formerly co-equal branch of government. Once trusted media outlets have betrayed their audiences’ trust and morphed into propaganda arms of the White House. As a lifelong journalist, this is perhaps the most shocking and disappointing development of the past year.

The Washington Post, which adopted the ominous tagline of “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” killed its endorsement of Kamala Harris in the final days of the 2024 campaign. Same thing at the Los Angeles Times. More recently, CBS’s vaunted “60 Minutes” spiked a story critical of Trump’s immigration policies under the direction of new editor-in-chief Bari Weiss, a Trump toady and the antithesis of a journalist. 

Concurrently, media companies large and small are fighting to survive. Government grants have been rescinded and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, responsible for funding NPR and PBS, announced plans to dissolve. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, a nearly century-old Pulitzer Prize-winning institution, announced this week it will close on May 3. The Washington Post has lost scores of talented journalists, including prominent LGBTQ voices like Jonathan Capehart. The Baltimore Sun was acquired by the same family that owns right-wing Sinclair Broadcasting, ending a nearly 190-year tradition of award-winning, independent journalism.

It is not a coincidence that Trump’s attacks on democracy, traditions, and norms are happening while the media industry collapses. News deserts are everywhere now. In 2024, 127 newspapers closed, leaving 55 million Americans with limited or no access to local news, according to a report by Medill.

There’s a reason the media are called the “Fourth Estate.” Journalism was considered so critical to the health of our democracy that the Founding Fathers spelled it out in the First Amendment. Democracy and our Constitution cannot survive without a free and robust press.

That’s why I felt compelled to write this appeal directly to our readers. For nearly 57 years, the Blade has told the stories of LGBTQ Washington, documenting all the triumphs and heartbreaks and writing the first draft of our own history. Today, we remain hard at work, including inside the White House. This week, we have a reporter on the ground in Colombia, covering the stories of queer Venezuelan migrants amid the crisis there; another reporter will be inside the Supreme Court for next week’s trans-related cases; on Sunday, we have a reporter on the red carpet at the Golden Globes ready to interview the stars of “Heated Rivalry.”

We do a lot with a little. As major companies pull back on their support of the LGBTQ community, including their advertising in the Blade, we turn to our readers. We have never charged a dime to read the Blade in print or online. Our work remains a free and trusted resource. As we navigate these challenges, we ask that you join us. If you have the resources, please consider making a donation or purchasing a membership. If not, please subscribe to our free email newsletter. To join, visit washingtonblade.com and click on “Fund LGBTQ Journalism” in the top right navigation. 

Our community is known for its resilience. At the Blade, we’ve weathered the AIDS epidemic, financial crises, and a global pandemic. We are committed to our mission and will never bend to a wannabe dictator the way so many mainstream media outlets have done. The queer press is still here and with your help we will survive these unprecedented attacks on democracy and emerge stronger than before. Thank you for reading the Blade and for considering making a donation to support our work.


Kevin Naff is editor of the Washington Blade. Reach him at [email protected].

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Time has run out for the regime in Venezuela

American forces seized Nicolás Maduro, wife on Jan. 3

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Ousted Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro in 2024. (Photo courtesy of Maduro's Instagram page)

Time has run out for the regime in Venezuela.

I am fully aware that we are living through complex and critical days, not only for my country but also for the entire region. However, the capture of Nicolás Maduro has renewed hope and strengthened my conviction that we must remain firm in our cause, with the certainty that the valid reward will be to see Venezuela free from those who continue to cling illegitimately to power.

In light of this new reality, I adopt a clear, direct, and unequivocal position:

I demand the immediate release of all political prisoners.

I demand that all persons arbitrarily detained for political reasons be returned to their families immediately, without delay or conditions.

According to Foro Penal, as of Jan. 5, 2026, there are 806 political prisoners in Venezuela, including 105 women, 175 military personnel, and one adolescent, and a total of 18,623 arbitrary arrests documented since 2014. The same report documents 17 people who have died while in State custody and 875 civilians prosecuted before military courts, clearly evidencing the use of the judicial and security apparatus as instruments of political persecution. In parallel, the humanitarian system estimates that 7.9 million people in Venezuela require urgent assistance, further aggravating the impact of repression on daily life.

Behind these figures are shattered lives, separated families, and destroyed life projects. Students, activists, human rights defenders, political leaders, and members of the armed forces remain imprisoned without judicial guarantees, without due process, and without justice.

Since the capture of Nicolás Maduro, repression has not ceased. On the contrary, more than ten journalists have been arbitrarily detained, while others have been harassed, imprisoned, or mistreated for carrying out their duty to inform. Today, journalism in Venezuela has become a heroic and high-risk act.

This situation is further aggravated by a new attack on fundamental freedoms: an illegitimate decree of “external state of emergency”, whose purpose is to legalize state terrorism, expand the scope of repression, and deepen the criminalization of dissent and freedom of expression.

The destruction of freedoms cannot and must not be normalized, either by society or by the international community.

I do not forget the atrocities committed against people deprived of their liberty: systematic violations of due process, torture, cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment, denial of medical care, and prolonged isolation.

These practices have been widely documented and denounced and are currently under investigation by international justice mechanisms.

In this regard, the United Nations Independent International Fact-Finding Mission on Venezuela has repeatedly expressed grave concern over the persistence of serious human rights violations, including the use of torture, enforced isolation, and the responsibility of State security forces in systematic abuses, as reflected in its statements and reports issued on Jan. 3, 2026, and throughout 2025.

From my unwavering commitment to human rights, I issue a firm and urgent call to Venezuelan citizens and to all people in the free and democratic world to stand together in defense of human dignity.

All political prisoners must be released now.

All torture and detention centers must be closed.

I am convinced that there can be no genuine democratic transition without the immediate release of political prisoners, the submission to justice of those responsible for arbitrary detentions, and the establishment of accountability mechanisms, guarantees of non-repetition, and full reparation for victims and their families. This is the only viable path toward a proper transition to democracy in Venezuela.

Today, more than ever, I stand in solidarity, inside and outside Venezuela, with the victims and their families.

This is a moment of definition, not of silence or hesitation.

I assume, together with millions of Venezuelans, that we are co-responsible for our collective reality and for the new Venezuela that we are called to rebuild.

Dignity, freedom, and justice cannot wait.

Freedom for Venezuela.

Juan Carlos Viloria Doria is president of the Global Alliance for Human Rights and vice president of Venezolanos en Barranquilla, an NGO based in Barranquilla, Colombia.

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Just say no to the felon in the White House

Democrats, media must do more to oppose Trump’s agenda

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President Donald Trump (Washington Blade file photo by Michael Key)

We have a clearly deranged, sick, felon as president, who can’t even remember if he had an MRI, or a CT. He says he takes enough aspirin to keep his blood running thin in his veins. He fakes health reports, and lies every time he opens his mouth. His brain appears foggier than Joe Biden’s ever was.

The felon arranged to get a fake Peace Prize from the soccer federation, while taking military actions around the world. He sanctioned American attacks on Nigeria, Iran, Syria, and now on the government, and people, of Venezuela. He has our military attacking boats, claiming they are carrying drugs, with no proof. He interferes in foreign elections, making the United States less safe. He obviously supports Putin in his war against Ukraine, and supports Netanyahu’s destruction of Gaza, and his starvation of the Palestinian people there. Because of all this it’s understandable why he calls his Secretary of Defense, his Secretary of War. That individual being unqualified with no competence, or decency — the perfect toady for the fascists surrounding Trump. He has a Secretary of State in Marco Rubio who clearly has no principles at all. Rubio previously said, “Donald Trump – a con artist – will never get control of this party…We cannot allow a con artist to get access to the nuclear codes of the United States of America.” He compared Trump to a “third-world strong man.” Now as Secretary of State he justifies all the illegal actions the felon takes.

I, and many others, question “Where is Congress in all this?” Do no Republicans in Congress have any cojones? Two Republican woman have criticized Trump — Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) and Nancy Mace (R-S.C.). Both on the Epstein files, one on screwing the American people with regard to their health insurance. Both are now out of Congress, still MAGA, but found if you disagree with the felon, he sics his cult on you. 

My other question is: When will any in the media really stand up to him? When do mainstream media call out every one of his lies, as he makes them? When do they show any guts, and repeat each day he is deranged? When do they have daily headlines, calling him out on things from his health reports, to lies about the economy? Where are the daily headlines calling out the Republican Congress for its lack of action? Why is there no representative clock on every TV network, ticking off the time Congress doesn’t take back their rightful place as an equal branch of government? When will they call out the Supreme Court, reminding people what Trump’s picks said during their confirmations, versus what they are doing now? When will they actually reclaim ‘The freedom of the press?’ 

Democrats must continue to speak out. I am aware they have little power in this Congress, but they must not remain silent. We have seen, when they do speak up, we win elections. They help the people to wake up, as they did in recent elections in New Jersey and Virginia. In races as distinct as the mayoralty of Miami, where a Democrat won for the first time in 30 years, and did so in a landslide; and Democrats won two special elections for State Senate in Mississippi. In Georgia, Democrats won two seats on the Georgia Public Service Commission, the first time in 20 years they won a statewide seat. And they won a State Senate seat in Iowa, and the redistricting vote in California. 

To continue winning Democrats must remind people every day what the felon, and his fascist cohorts, are doing to destroy their lives. Latinos and Hispanics need a daily reminder, it is the felon who once said he supports them, whose government is now deporting them. Young people must be reminded every day, the felon is destroying the country they will inherit, their future, by denying climate change. Everyone needs daily reminders how he is destroying the health of the country. Ending research grants looking for cures for cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and HIV/AIDS. Ending research grants into curing childhood diseases, development of mRNA vaccines, and other potential progress to protect Americans, and the world, when the next pandemic occurs, and it will. He is literally killing children by having his government speak out against vaccinations for illnesses like measles, considered eradicated before he came into office. 

All of this needs to be headlined each day in our newspapers, and on TV, by the people who still can, and are willing, to do it. Those not bought off by, or afraid of, the felon, and his fascist cohorts. Those who don’t sit with him at Mar-a-Lago, and have become his enablers. We the people need to take to the streets and every time there is an election, use our vote to say to the sick, deranged, felon, and his fascist cohorts, ‘NO MORE’. 


Peter Rosenstein is a longtime LGBTQ rights and Democratic Party activist.

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