Michael,

My wife and I met less than two years ago and we were crazy about each other from the start. We wanted to spend life together so we just went for it. Maybe this wasn’t the most well-thought out decision on either of our parts but we thought that love conquers all.

But lately we’ve been arguing. The stuff we’re fighting about is never such a big deal: chores, or spending, or wanting to do different things on the weekend. But when I don’t want to go along with Michelle’s point of view, she gets angry and shuts down. Sometimes she stops talking to me for as long as a few days.

This is painful for me. My mom used to pull this stunt when I was a kid and she was mad at me. She also cut me off when I came out. We’re still estranged. 

Michelle has a whole different take on this. She says I am being “mean” to her (when I don’t go along with what she wants) and this is painful, and she has to “take a break” to cool off. 

I know she comes from a volatile family. She has told me there was a lot of screaming in her house, and she barely has a relationship with her parents as a result. So I get that she’s sensitive to conflict.

But I don’t think I’m being mean to her by standing up for what I want — certainly not enough to warrant her giving me the silent treatment.

We got married to have a great life together. We often do but I can’t live with someone who just shuts me out when she’s annoyed with me.

If I became a doormat and went along with everything she wants and never pushed back or complained, maybe she wouldn’t shut down. But I don’t want to do that.

I’d appreciate some ideas to improve the situation. I don’t want a divorce but I also don’t want to keep being mistreated.

Michael replies:

You can think of marriage — or any serious relationship — as a gym where you have ongoing opportunities to become an increasingly resilient person in the face of the ongoing challenges that an intimate relationship poses.

Your task here is to shift your focus toward figuring out how to handle yourself well, even in the awful circumstance of getting the silent treatment.  

Michelle is not under an obligation to behave as you’d like her to. You can certainly ask her to stop withdrawing when she’s angry at you. But that doesn’t mean she is going to honor your request. 

I well understand that Michelle’s punishing behavior is bringing up painful memories of your mother’s mistreatment. But if she doesn’t change her behavior, you have to find a way to live with Michelle as she is, with as much equanimity as you can muster, for as long as you choose to be married to her. If she does not change and you find her behavior to be unbearable, you can leave.

Every time she shuts down, Michelle is handing you an opportunity to figure out how you, yourself, can deal with feeling hurt and let down, rather than depending on someone else to behave as you’d like her to, or not upset you, or soothe you. Being in charge of your own mood rather than letting someone else press your buttons is a great skill to get better at. 

I’m not going focus on what techniques you might use to soothe yourself — that’s a different column (or even better, a number of therapy sessions). That said, knowing that Michelle’s behavior comes from her history might help you to take it less personally. And, simply keeping in mind that living with a difficult spouse is unavoidable and worth getting better at may help you to quiet yourself down.

Another challenge that your marriage is pushing you to work on: Discerning when you can be generous, and when it is important to have a boundary. Of course, I understand that you don’t want to be a doormat by going along with whatever Michelle says and wants. But is it possible that she has a point, in that you could stand to lean more in her direction? 

None of us get to have everything the way we want when we are in a relationship (much less in life). Figuring out the interplay between generosity and boundary is complicated. It often involves considering what is important to your partner; and deriving joy from her getting some of what is important to her, not only from your getting what you would like. And of course, it also involves figuring out what is most important to you.

If you set a boundary thoughtfully, because something is important to you, and Michelle doesn’t like it, you’re being handed an opportunity to get better at tolerating disappointment.  Being a disappointment to your partner, and being disappointed in your partner, are both unavoidable parts of marriage: We’re all different, and at times will make choices that the other person really does not like. 

If we make our decisions from a place of integrity rather than whim, entitlement, anger, or “whose turn it is”, and strive to honor the choices that our partners make from a place of integrity, this often makes the disappointment easier to bear.

Of course, it would be great if Michelle would join you in working to become a more solid and resilient spouse.  As I mentioned earlier, you can’t persuade her to do so.  But you can certainly tell Michelle what you are working on and ask her to consider how she, too, might use your relationship difficulties as a challenge to grow.  

It isn’t easy to have such a conversation without sounding condescending. You are better positioned to do so when you are walking the walk, not just talking the talk. One good rule of thumb is to put you and your partner in the same boat, making it clear that you see the two of you as facing the same challenges, rather than positioning yourself in a superior position. Another is to initiate the conversation when you are both calm, rather than in the middle of a fight or when you’re getting the silent treatment.

One more point: If Michelle is willing, I’d suggest that you propose couples therapy as an opportunity for you two to collaborate on building a consistently loving relationship where neither of you lets your reactivity run the show.   

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

‘Fiddler on the Roof’
Through Jan. 25
Signature Theatre
4200 Campbell Ave.
Arlington, Va.
Tickets start at $47
Sigtheatre.org

Out actor Ariel Neydavoud is deep into a three-month run playing revolutionary student Perchick in the beloved 1964 musical “Fiddler on the Roof” at Signature Theatre in Arlington.  And like his previous gigs, it’s been a learning experience. 

This time, he’s gleaning knowledge from celebrated gay actor Douglas Sills who’s starring as the show’s central character Tevya, a poor Jewish milkman in the fictional village of Anatevka in tsarist Russia circa 1905. 

In addition to anti-Semitism and expulsion, Tevya is struggling with waning traditions in a changing world where his daughters dare suggest marrying for love. Daughter Hodel (Lily Burka) falls for Perchick, an outsider who comes to town brandishing new ideas. 

And along with its compelling and humor filled storyline, “Fiddler” boasts iconic numbers like “If I Were a Rich Man,” “Tradition,” “Matchmaker, Matchmaker,” and “Sunrise, Sunset.”

Neydavoud, born and raised as an only child in the West Los Angeles neighborhood lightheartedly referred to as Tehrangeles (due to the large Iranian-American population), has always been passionate about performing. “It’s like I came out of the womb tap dancing,” he says. Fortunately, his mother, an accomplished pianist and composer, served as built-in accompanist. 

He began acting and singing at kid camps and a private Jewish middle school alongside classmate Ben Platt. In his teens, Neydavoud spent three glorious weeks at Stagedoor Manor, a well-known theater camp in Upstate New York, where he solidified his desire to pursue theater as a profession, and started to feel comfortable with being queer.

Following high school, he studied at AMDA (American Musical and Dramatic Academy) and soon after morphed from theater student to professional actor. 

WASHINGTON BLADE: Your entry into showbiz seems to have been a smooth one.

ARIEL NEYDAVOUD: I’m happy to hear it seems that way. I’d rarely describe anything about this profession as smooth; nonetheless, what I love about this work is that it gives opportunities to have so many new experiences: new shows, new parts, and new communities who come together in a moment’s notice purely for the sake of creating art.  

BLADE: Tell us about Perchick. 

NEYDAVOUD: He comes to Anatevka and challenges their ideals and way of life. That’s something I can relate to. 

I’m Jewish on both sides, but I’m also queer, first generation American, [his mother and father are from Germany and Iran, respectively], and a person of color. I never feel like I belong to a single community. That’s what has emboldened my inner activist to speak up and challenge ideas that I don’t necessarily buy into. 

BLADE: You sing beautifully. Perchick’s song is “Now I have Everything,” an Act II melody about finding love. Was it an instant fit for you? 

NEYDAVOUD: Not instantly.I’m traditionally a first tenor. Perchick is baritone range, a little outside of my comfort zone. After being cast, I asked our director Joe Calarco if he would be comfortable raising the key, something they did with the recent Broadway revival. He was firm about not doing that. 

As an artist I see challenges as opportunities to grow, so it’s been really good exploring my lower register.  

BLADE: Audiences have commented on an intimacy surrounding this production. 

TK: It’s performed in the round with a dining table at its center. It could be a sabbath or seder table, however you interpret it, but I find it a brilliant way to illustrate community and tradition. 

It feels like the audience is invited to the table and join the residents of Anatevka. The show’s moments of joy like the betrothal song “To Life (L’Chaim)” are intensified, and conversely the pogrom scenes are made more difficult. It feels like we’re sharing space. 

BLADE: Do your encompassing identities broaden casting possibilities for you? 

NEYDAVOUD: Marketing yourself as ethnically ambiguous can be a helpful tool. After “Hamilton” and the pandemic there was more of a shift toward authenticity. I try to steer toward playing Middle Eastern, Southwest Asian, Jewish, and mixed-race characters without being too prescriptive. 

BLADE: Tell us your dream roles?

NEYDAVOUD: I’d love to play the Emcee in Cabaret [often portrayed as a gender-fluid, queer-coded, or non-binary figure]. And I’d like to direct a production of “Godspell” with a fully Middle Eastern cast. I think portraying Jesus and disciples in Middle Eastern bodies as Bohemian idealists living under an oppressive regime could be especially impactful. 

BLADE: Can today’s queer audiences relate to life on the shtetl? 

NEYDAVOUD: As a piece, “Fiddler” is timeless. Beyond the magical score, it hits home with just about anyone who’s ever felt othered. There are relevant themes of displacement and persecution, and maintaining cultural identity in the wake of turbulence, all ideas that tend to resonate with queer people.

‘Are You There Spirit? It’s Me, Travis’
By Travis Holp
c.2025, Spiegel and Grau
$28/240 pages

Your dad sent you a penny the other day, minted in his birth year.

They say pennies from heaven are a sign of some sort, and that makes sense: You’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Some might scoff, but the idea that a lost loved one is trying to tell you he’s OK is comforting. So read the new book, “Are You There, Spirit? It’s Me, Travis” by Travis Holp, and keep your eyes open.

Ever since he was a young boy growing up just outside Dayton, Ohio, Travis Holp wanted to be a writer. He also wanted to say that he was gay but his conservative parents believed his gayness was some sort of phase. That, and bullying made him hide who he was.

He also had to hide his nascent ability to communicate with people who had died, through an entity he calls “Spirit.” Eventually, though it left him with psychological scars and a drinking problem he’s since overcome, Holp was finally able to talk about his gayness and reveal his otherworldly ability.

Getting some people to believe that he speaks to the dead is still a tall order. Spirit helps naysayers, as well as Holp himself.

Spirit, he says, isn’t a person or an essence; Spirit is love. Spirit is a conduit of healing and energy, speaking through Holp in symbolic messages, feelings, and through synchronistic events. For example, Holp says coincidences are not coincidental; they’re ways for loved ones to convey messages of healing and energy.

To tap into your own healing Spirit, Holp says to trust yourself when you think you’ve received a healing message. Ignore your ego, but listen to your inner voice. Remember that Spirit won’t work on any fixed timeline, and its only purpose is to exist.

And keep in mind that “anything is possible because you are an unlimited being.”

You’re going to want very much to like “Are You There, Spirit? It’s Me, Travis.” The cover photo of author Travis Holp will make you smile. Alas, what you’ll find in here is hard to read, not due to content but for lack of focus.

What’s inside this book is scattered and repetitious. Love, energy, healing, faith, and fear are words that are used often – so often, in fact, that many pages feel like they’ve been recycled, or like you’ve entered a time warp that moves you backward, page-wise. Yes, there are uplifting accounts of readings that Holp has done with clients here, and they’re exciting but there are too few of them. When you find them, you’ll love them. They may make you cry. They’re exactly what you need, if you grieve. Just not enough.

This isn’t a terrible book, but its audience might be narrow. It absolutely needs more stories, less sentiment; more tales, less transcendence and if that’s your aim, go elsewhere. But if your soul cries for comfort after loss, “Are You There, Spirit? It’s Me, Travis” might still make sense.

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