Living
Queery: Michael Lutz
20 questions for the Capital Pride Alliance board president
Michael Lutz (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)
Ohio native Michael Lutz, 30, was a Capital Pride volunteer when Whitman-Walker staged the annual event. Now in its second year of overseeing the festivities, Capital Pride Alliance, of which Lutz is board president, is operating in the black and growing.
Lutz says even with gay rights progress, Pride is still significant. “It’s important that we celebrate all the things we’ve achieved,” he says. “We’re a distinct group of individuals who have a common connection so we need to celebrate how far we’ve come and how far we have left to go.”
Lutz, who’s been in D.C. for 10 years and lives on the U Street corridor in N.W., is a manager at Accenture, an information technologies/consulting firm. He’s single, gay and enjoys volunteering, working out, going to the beach, skiing and traveling in his free time. He’s also learning the trapeze. “It’s just the thrill of it,” he says. “There’s a throw and trust factor. You either surrender to that and trust someone to catch you or you fall to the net. It’s a great workout too. The next day you’re like, ‘Oh, who knew I had muscles there?'”
How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
College; myself.
Who’s your gay hero?
The young LGBT people across America who are breaking barriers with regard to sexual orientation in their high schools and standing up for the right to equality. People like Constance McMillan, Derrick Martin and Sergio Garcia who have started to break down the walls and promote acceptance and tolerance of all people.
What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
Nation – it was my first “real” club and I loved the music, the energy and being able to come out and see the sun rising over the Capital dome.
What’s your dream gay wedding?
A destination wedding with a guy I love surrounded by friends.
What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
Cancer — we need to find a cure, ideally a prevention-based cure.
What historical outcome would you change?
The slow response to the HIV/AIDS epidemic. It has claimed so many lives and we still don’t have a cure, although treatments have come a long, long way.
What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
Dave Matthews Band concert, my first real concert.
On what do you insist?
Honesty and loyalty.
What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
“Off to the Parrot” (in Rehoboth)
If your life were a book, what would the title be?
“Hot Mess” (just kidding)
If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
Absolutely nothing. I have enough trouble with fashion as it is; I need my gay genes. And, I really like the music in gay clubs so much better. Oh, and I might lose my tolerance for vodka. Yes, I’m sure: I wouldn’t change a thing. Gay is FAB-u-lous
What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
Well, I was raised Catholic, and that told me there’s a heaven and hell, but now my thoughts are much less binary about it.
What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
As leaders in the community we need to make sure that we are working for the greater cause. That sometimes means making the tough decisions, refocusing our efforts and giving up something in the short term for better long-term outcomes. It also means working together as a whole. There are a lot of different agendas out there, all focused on increasing equality for the LGBT community and we can get more done together rather than divided.
What would you walk across hot coals for?
My friends – they are my family.
What gay stereotype annoys you most?
That all gay people know each other.
What’s your favorite gay movie?
“Center Stage”
What’s the most overrated social custom?
That you have to gorge yourself at Thanksgiving.
What trophy or prize do you most covet?
At the moment, tickets to the Lady Gaga concert here in September.
What do you wish you’d known at 18?
That I wouldn’t be able to stay up all night forever.
Why Washington?
I came here for a six-month internship at the Kennedy Center almost 10 years ago. I don’t know what the draw was. It was almost instinctive. But once I got here, I knew I was never going back to Ohio.
One of the biggest headaches of the new home process is the actual moving part. By the time someone is buying a home, most people are beyond the “I just need a pickup truck, a pizza and a case of beer for my friends.”
If that is still someone’s preferred way to move, that’s great. However, many people find they need a much more robust plan. It can also trigger a lot of feelings about items one owns, what to do with them, do they have too much, should I keep this memento that I never use? Etc.
Moving is a chance for a person to “clean house” literally, figuratively, spiritually and energetically. A person can figure out which items they want to keep, and which need to go. As someone who recently moved across the country, I can speak to this experience. It’s also time for what people call “the fresh start effect.” This phenomenon, according to psychologists, can happen in little moments (like the start of a new work week) and bigger moments (such as moving from one home to the next).
The fresh start effect offers these benefits often mentioned by psychologists:
- Mental Accounting: Dates act as chapter breaks, letting you put past failures into a previous period.
- Psychological Distance: You separate your flawed past self from your aspirational future self (“That was the old me”).
- Optimism Boost: New beginnings clear mental clutter and increase your sense of agency and control
Does this mean that “the new you” will be the perfect version you envisioned? Probably not. We are humans. But it might mean you get a chance to “leave some of the old you behind” within the walls you used to live in, and now have a chance to have a new layout, a new décor, a new color pattern, new wallpaper, donate old furniture and books or magazines, throw out clothes you no longer use or fit in, and enjoy the opportunity to literally use the, “Does this spark joy?” method that was made so popular by Marie Kondo in her Netflix series.
So, for all its hassle and headache, moving is a chance to shake off the “old you” and try on the new you, to incorporate the items you would like to keep and use more of, and shed the items, habits, and ways of thinking that you feel no longer serve you.
I can speak to the experiences that several of my clients had when they moved from a previous residence to a newer one. It usually coincided with a change in relationship status, a change in employment, a change in family size, but sometimes it just seemed to correlate to a new attitude and perspective that the client was really hoping for.
I have literally had clients come to me after the fact, in tears, that they were so happy they made the decision to move out of a situation that no longer served them, and move into one that felt like a much better fit.
Change can be annoying and overwhelming at times, but usually most people come out the other side, not wanting to return to the way they were before.
Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with RLAH. Reach him at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].
Despite a U.S. political climate that has made electric vehicles about as welcome as a vegan at a Texas barbecue, automakers haven’t gotten the memo. The 2027 BMW iX3 and Rivian R2—in showrooms soon—prove the point. But think of them as distant cousins: one arrives impeccably dressed; the other probably has a kayak strapped to the roof.
BMW iX3
$62,000
Range: Up to 434 miles
0 to 60 mph: 4.7 seconds
Cargo space: 30.4 cu. ft.
PROS: Huge driving range. Distinctive styling. Cutting-edge interior.
CONS: Quirky digital controls. Only one U.S. trim level. Pricey options.
WHAT’S NEW: This is BMW’s first production model on its state-of-the-art Neue Klasse platform, radically changing the technology, cabin and electric drivetrain.
The iX3 arrives on our shores in one trim level, the iX3 50 xDrive. Load it up with options and you can sail well past $80,000.
Depending on configuration, this luxe EV delivers an astonishing range before recharging. And a dual-motor, all-wheel-drive system produces 463 horsepower, which allows you to tootle around as fast as a Porsche 718 sportster.
The new “Panoramic iDrive” spreads information across the base of the windshield, supplemented by a central display and steering-wheel controls. An available 3D head-up display adds even more info. It’s futuristic, busy and unmistakably BMW—like someone decided the dashboard needed its own coming-out party.
Then there’s the “Heart of Joy” computer, which coordinates the motors, braking and steering for sharper responses and smoother control. The name may sound like something from a self-help retreat, but the innovation makes the iX3 seriously entertaining to drive.
You also can charge the iX3 from 10 percent to 80 percent in just 21 minutes. Nice.
This isn’t merely an electric X3 with the gasoline bits removed. It’s a tech reset for BMW. Compared with the R2, the iX3 is more polished, more luxurious…but, alas, considerably pricier.
RIVIAN R2
$45,000
Range: Up to 345 miles
0 to 60 mph: 5.9 seconds
Cargo space: 28.7 cu. ft.
PROS: Affordable luxury. Rugged looks. Clever storage.
CONS: No smartphone integration. No glass-roof shade. Touchy touchscreen.
WHAT’S NEW: Everything—the R2 is Rivian’s all-new, smaller electric SUV, and it brings the brand’s adventure-first attitude to a price point far below the larger R1S.
If the BMW iX3 is wearing a beautifully tailored jacket, the Rivian R2 has its sleeves rolled up.
With edgy styling, this is no anonymous crossover wearing an EV costume. Chunky details. Upright proportions. Distinctive lighting all give off an outdoorsy vibe without turning the R2 into a rolling REI catalog.
There are four configurations, with pricing from $45,000 to $58,000. That’s a big difference from the BMW—and potentially the R2’s biggest weapon.
The stats aren’t shabby, either. Driving range is from 275 to 345 miles. The dual-motor, all-wheel-drive setup produces between 350 horsepower and a frankly bonkers 656 horsepower. And the high-performance model lets you zip from 0-to-60 mph in just 3.6 seconds.
Drag-racing credentials? Absolutely!
Inside, there is lots of clever packaging, with flexible seating and generous storage. This EV is designed to carry actual stuff, not merely impress your neighbors.
Yes, there are quirks. Rivian skips Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, while everyday controls—some of which are less than intuitive—live on the touchscreen. And the panoramic glass roof lacks a conventional shade. Huh?
For some owners, those will be minor annoyances. For others, they’ll become daily reminders that Rivian marches to its own beat.
Perhaps that’s not a bad thing, though. The R2 feels less buttoned-up, more mischievous. It’s the automotive equivalent of Billy Porter ignoring the dress code and somehow looking better than everyone who followed it.
Advice
We’re getting married but our parents object
Will their disapproval and shortcomings derail our hopes for a happy life?
Dear Michael,
My girlfriend and I are getting married! We’re really excited, but we’ve got some big concerns as well.
All of our parents have had multiple marriages. I think 10 between the four of them. So we don’t have much in the way of role models for a successful marriage.
Also, we don’t have any parental support. Except for one of my ex-stepmothers whom I’m close to, none of our parents are happy that their daughter is getting married to another woman. That’s an understatement. Religious objections, moral objections, being angry that we’re “embarrassing them,” these are some of the things we’ve been told.
We do have some supportive siblings and step-siblings, which is great, although they’re getting pushback from parents about attending our wedding.
Given all this, what suggestions do you have for how we can make a go of our marriage? The divorce rate is over 50 percent for everyone. With all this baggage, we’re worried that we have even less of a chance. Thank you.
Michael replies:
First, congratulations!
Regarding your lack of family support: I’m sorry that you both have to deal with so much criticism, disdain, and judgment. Please don’t let your parents’ negativity influence your own views of yourselves and your relationship. Focus instead on the love and caring you will get from friends, community and the family who are present on your big day (I hope your siblings are brave enough to make it!). Being the recipients of that support is one of the sweetest parts of getting married.
Don’t worry about the high divorce rate. While some couples really shouldn’t stay married, lots of people get divorced because they don’t know what is required to have a good marriage, or don’t put in the effort to do so. That does not have to be your fate.
Similarly, your parents’ terrible track record doesn’t mean you have to repeat their marital histories. The skills to have a strong marriage are learnable.
To that end, here are the best tips I can offer the two of you:
- If you want a loving marriage, be a loving partner. Don’t snipe, sulk, or do the silent treatment when you’re mad. Unconditional love is largely a myth. Even our dogs won’t love us if we are mean to them.
- Don’t spend much time or effort focusing on what your spouse is doing wrong or how she is letting you down. Doing so leads to resentment and feeling like you’re a powerless victim. Instead, ask yourself what your own contribution is to the problem, and what you can do to make things better. You don’t have much power over your partner, but you have a lot of power over yourself.
You can certainly ask your spouse for what you’d like from her, but don’t expect to always get it. And don’t base your own wellbeing or good behavior on what your partner does or doesn’t do.
- Because any two people are always different in some important ways, there is no way that you both can always want the same things, or think the same way, or have the same priorities. Accept this! There has to be room for each of you to be an individual, not only part of a couple.
- Be generous as often as you can be, and have a boundary when it’s important for you to have one.
- When your spouse states that she has a boundary, respect it. Do not push her to back off from something that is important to her.
- Don’t keep score, including how much more you do or how often you don’t get your way. Instead, work together to have a collaborative marriage where you work together to make decisions and get things done.
- Strive not to weigh the relationship down with neediness. Once we’re grownups, it’s mainly our own job to soothe ourselves. You don’t want to burn out your partner’s empathy.
Of course you can ask for a hug, love, reassurance, support, advice, and a shoulder to cry on when you’re down. Just aim be the first person you turn to when you’re upset, and do your best to keep your own mood steady.
- Do not wait for your significant other to go first. Not on planning a date, not on apologizing, not on loading the dishwasher or cleaning the bathroom. If you wait for her to make the first move, you will have a resentful relationship where nothing good ever happens.
Keeping these principles part of your operating system, even — and especially — at those moments when your spouse isn’t doing her best, will go a long way toward helping you build and maintain a loving and happy marriage.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C., Maryland, Virginia, New York, and all PSYPACT states. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
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