A cure for bad relationships

Are you stuck in an unhealthy relationship?

Maybe a better question to ask first is, can you walk away from your relationship knowing you put 110 percent in? Is the guilt you have from cheating keeping you partnered? Do you think it may be too hard to find another partner or are you just plain lazy? Does your partner put you on a pedestal, where you’ll sacrifice what you really want just because he’s spoiling you? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then you are in an unhealthy relationship.

So what do we mean by “unhealthy?” We don’t mean 40 pounds overweight with a serious nicotine addition kind of unhealthy. We mean having trust issues, arguing more days than you are having sex, doubts in sincerity and verbal or emotional abuse. If you are experiencing these problems, you’re not the only one. The good news is there’s a cure for the unhealthy relationship. Work on it or get out.

Sorry, we can’t cure you until we do a little reflection first. (Lesbians love to reflect.) This is when you get out your pencil and check off the examples that describe your relationship and you’ll know how severely “unhealthy” yours is. Do you feel like you are stuck in a routine?  Routine is that warm, fuzzy, comfort feeling everyone loves. Routine is easy. Routine loves you back.

However, this is a very common factor as to why relationships turn sour. “Routine people” stay in their relationships because they enjoy knowing someone is there in bed with them every morning. Routine people also probably can’t differentiate one day from the next – and that’s no way to live. Let’s be honest:  Dating again might scare the hell out of some of you. Trust us, you always have options.

There are other lifestyle factors that allow people to stay in these unfulfilling relationships.  Security reasons, for example, financial stability, play a huge part. For some, being “on your own” is scary because, let’s face it, two incomes are better than one. Do you really need the second home in wine country? Your long-term happiness is far more important than any material possession.

Now comes the big “D” word. Divorce. Are kids thrown into the mix as well? This can complicate things further. We don’t want to downplay the fact that having kids with your partner can make you want to stay together “for the sake of the children.” However, kids know when their parents are unhappy. Kids have an incredible sense of intuition. If you’re unhappy and actively living in an unhealthy relationship, they feel it. If you’re in a bad situation, do something about it. Be mature and make the healthy decision for you and the kids.

Now you find yourself wearing a big old ugly “I’m in an unhealthy relationship” sticker.  Have you given your relationship 110 percent? If you’ve exhausted all your options, thoughtfully, it’s going to be much easier to have “the talk.” You’ll be clear headed about your decision to move on if you’ve reflected deeply. Have the talk, cry yourself to sleep over a tub of ice cream, and tomorrow the sun will be shining a bit brighter.

We don’t claim to be therapists, but we agree that sometimes a little advice from a professional helps you realize why you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Getting an objective perspective is always a step in the right direction. Having a therapist doesn’t mean you can’t manage your own life and relationships – it just means you’re on the way there or you’re being proactive about changing for the better.

Be mature enough to be honest. Don’t stay because it’s easy. Sacrificing yourself for others is sacrificing your own happiness. Be healthy.