Living
From the archives: Gays among heroes, victims of Sept. 11
Our archives piece profiling many of the LGBT dead found in the 5th anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks issue.
This piece ran in the Blade’s five-year anniversary issue in September 2006. It lists some of the known LGBT victims of the Sept. 11 attacks and shows that families of all types were affected by the terrible events of that tragic day. It also shows that many of the 9/11 heroes who saved countless lives were lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.
RENEE BARRETT-ARJUNE
Irvington, N.J.
Renee Barrett-Arjune, 41, was working in One World Trade Center at the time of the attacks. An accountant for Cantor Fitzgerald, she was able to escape the building prior to its collapse.
However, she suffered serious burns in the attack, and was hospitalized at Cornell-Presbyterian Hospital, where she died more than a month later on Oct. 18, 2001.
Barrett-Arjune had been a member of the Metropolitan Community Church of New York. She left behind her partner, Enez Cooper, and her 18-year-old son, Eddie, who lived with them.
GRAHAM BERKELEY
Boston
Graham Berkeley, 37, a native of England who lived in Boston, boarded United Airlines Flight 175 on Sept. 11, 2001, on his way to a conference in Los Angeles. He died when the plane became the second highjacked airliner to crash into the World Trade Center.
Berkeley’s parents, Charles and Pauline Berkeley, still live in England and watched the crash on television, although it took eight hours to confirm that their son had been on the plane.
“We had seen the fireball ourselves and knew to expect the worst,” Charles Berkeley told the London Mirror. “We watched our child die. He was a brilliant boy, a brilliant man.”
Graham Berkeley worked for Compuserve as product management director and was a professional violinist in Germany and England, the Advocate reported.
MARK BINGHAM
San Francisco
Gay rugby enthusiast Mark Bingham has been hailed as one of a small group of heroes who fought back against hijackers on United Flight 93, which crashed in Pennsylvania. The flight was believed to have been headed to Washington, D.C., likely to attack another national landmark.
Bingham, 31, was a member of the San Francisco Fog, a gay rugby team, and planned to organize a rugby team for this year’s Gay Games in Sydney, Australia.
A tribute page hosted by the team includes an e-mail from Bingham after he had learned that the Fog had been accepted as a permanent member of the California Rugby Football Union.
“Gay men weren’t always wallflowers waiting on the sideline,” he said, applauding the team’s acceptance into the league. “We have the opportunity to let these other athletes know that gay men were around all along — on their little league teams, in their classes, being their friends.”
PAMELA J. BOYCE
New York
Pamela J. Boyce, 43, was a resident of Dyker Heights, Brooklyn, and worked on the 92nd floor of One World Trade Center as assistant vice president of accounting for the New York office of Carr Futures.
Catherine Anello, Boyce’s partner, told the New York Times that Boyce was a no-nonsense person who wouldn’t want her loved ones to be overcome by grief.
“If there was someone who lost a loved one and had been grieving too long, so that they were not living their life, she would say, ‘Stop. It’s not what they would want. They are in a better place.'” Anello said, “She said, ‘I’m not afraid to die because I know where I am going is beautiful.'”
DANIEL BRANDHORST
RONALD GAMBOA
DAVID REED GAMBOA BRANDHORST
Los Angeles
When Daniel Brandhorst and Ronald Gamboa changed their flights so they could return to Los Angeles from Boston on Sept. 11 with adopted son, David, they had no idea of the tragedy that would await them.
Brandhorst and Gamboa had met 13 years ago at a party. Family friend Donato Tramuto told the New York Times Gamboa “could make a rainy day look happy.” Meanwhile, Scott Pisani, a fellow employee at PriceWaterhouseCoopers, said Brandhorst “made a tremendous amount of time for his family” after David was born, and would often take the toddler to work.
David, 3 at the time of his death, was adopted at birth by Gamboa and Brandhorst. Brandhorst, 41, worked an accountant for PriceWaterhouseCoopers, and Gamboa, 33, was the manager of a Gap store. They were on United Airlines Flight 175.
DAVID CHARLEBOIS
Washington, D.C.
David Charlebois, 39, first officer on American Airlines Flight 77, which collided into the Pentagon after being hijacked by terrorists, died while flying one of his standard routes.
Charlebois lived near the District’s popular Dupont Circle neighborhood with his partner of 14 years, Tom Hay, and their border collie, Chance.
He began his career as a pilot for corporate executives and later worked as a pilot for U.S. Airways. He joined American Airlines a decade ago, where he served as first officer, or co-pilot, flying mostly transcontinental routes out of Dulles International Airport.
Hay said Charlebois’ loyalty to his friends, family, and community was rivaled only by his love for flying.
“He always wanted to be a pilot,” Hay said.
Charlebois was an active member of the National Gay Pilots Association and had worked quietly within his company as an advocate for rights of gay employees, including gay pilots.
EUGENE CLARK
New York
Eugene Clark, 47, observed “the three D’s: dance, drama and divas,” according to the New York Times. His partner of 13 years, Larry Courtney, said Clark had grown up listening to Roberta Flack, loved Broadway musicals and could dance “like Tina Turner… and he had legs almost as good.”
Clark worked for the Aon Corporation as an administrative assistant, but it was his time away from the office that he enjoyed most. He had converted a 10-foot by 24-foot concrete-slab patio into a thriving terrace garden.
He also “adored the musicals ‘Miss Saigon’ and ‘Les Miserables,’ cooked Southern-style fried cabbage, and collected Waterford crystal decanters and vases,” the Times reported.
JEFFREY COLLMAN
Jeffrey Collman, 41, a flight attendant on American Airlines Flight 11, died when the hijacked jet slammed into the North World Trade Center tower in the first attack of Sept. 11, 2001.
A three-year employee of American Airlines, Collman had changed to the Boston-Los Angeles route from his normal Boston-San Francisco flights in order to prepare for an upcoming vacation.
Keith Bradkowski, Collman’s partner, had last heard from him the evening prior to the crash, when Collman called to talk about their upcoming trip, according to the San Jose Mercury News.
Collman received the American Professional Flight Attendant Award in 1999. In addition to Bradkowski, the Illinois native was survived by one sister and four brothers.
LUKE DUDEK
Livingston, N.J.
Luke Dudek and his partner of 20 years, George Cuellar, had dreamt of buying a building to house their high-end floral design store.
On Sept. 11, 2001, that dream finally became a reality. But Dudek, 50, wasn’t there to celebrate, according to Newsday.com.
Dudek was working as a food and beverage controller at Windows on the World, the restaurant at the top of One World Trade Center, that morning, when terrorist planes struck the building.
Dudek’s partner, George Cuellar, continues to run the flower shop he operated with Dudek for 16 years. He said the couple had no regrets in life.
“Everything we did, we did with love,” Cuellar told Newsday. “He’ll always be my best friend. I feel very protected by him. And I always did.”
JOE FERGUSON
Washington, D.C.
James Joe Ferguson, director of geography education outreach for the National Geographic Society, was on American Airlines Flight 77 when it crashed into the Pentagon. Ferguson was traveling on a National Geographic-sponsored educational field trip to the Channel Islands National Marine Sanctuary off Santa Barbara, Calif.
Ferguson, 39, was accompanying a colleague, three teachers, and three sixth-grade students, all from Washington, on the trip.
Ferguson lived on Capitol Hill for 10 years with Winston, his wire-haired fox terrier. He was one of the principal architects who designed the infrastructure of geography education, which resulted in the improvement of geography education throughout the United States, according to National Geographic.
“Ultimately, what he did touched over 150,000 students and teachers — and that is just one person,” said Ed Kaczmarek, a friend of Ferguson’s for 14 years.
CAROL FLYZIK
Plaistow, N.H.
Carol Flyzik, a 40-year-old registered nurse and a member of the Human Rights Campaign, was on American Airlines Flight 11 on her way to California when her plane became the first to crash into the World Trade Center.
Flyzik was a marketing supervisor for Meditech, a software company that serves the medical community. She was headed to California on a business trip at the time.
She left behind a partner of nearly 13 years, Nancy, as well as three stepchildren whom she cared for as her own.
SHEILA HEIN
University Park, Md.
Sheila Hein, an analyst, was working for the U.S. Army’s management and budget office in the Pentagon when American Airlines Flight 77 crashed into it.
Hein, 51, lived with her partner of 17 years, Peggy Neff, in University Park, Md. They bought a house there seven years ago as a “fixer-upper” and turned the backyard into their “own private park,” Neff told the Washington Post. “She is what this yard is. There’s a whole lot of love here,” Neff said.
Hein worked at the Pentagon for the last five years as a visual information specialist for the Army and had only recently changed jobs. She was at the Pentagon that day taking part in an Army internship, studying manpower analysis. A native of Springfield, Mass., she joined the Navy after high school and was sent to Virginia. She spent 10 years in the service as a photographer, married twice, and ventured into a career in computer graphics, working on government contracts.
Hein received a bachelor’s degree from Columbia Union College three years ago after taking courses on and off for 20 years. “She decided it was time to finish it,” Neff told the Post. She planned to get a master’s degree.
MYCHAL JUDGE
New York
New York City Fire Department Chaplain Mychal Judge was killed during the collapse of the World Trade Center towers while administering last rites to a dying firefighter. Fellow firefighters carried his body to St. Peter’s Church and then back to the firehouse.
Judge, 68, had been a Catholic chaplain for the New York City Fire Department since 1992. “Father Mike,” as the gay priest was known, was laid to rest in a memorial service attended by more than 3,000 and presided over by Cardinal Edward M. Egan.
Judge was also a “longtime member” of Dignity/USA, according to the Web site of the organization for “gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered Catholics, our families and friends.”
WILLIAM ANTHONY KARNES
New York
William Anthony Karnes and his partner, John Winter, could see Karnes’ office at Marsh & McLennon on the 97th floor of One World Trade Center from the home they shared.
On the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, the 37-year-old Karnes left for the office as usual at 8:30 a.m. The “commute,” which took about 11 minutes, would be his last. At 8:45, Winter heard what sounded like a thunder, and immediately looked out his apartment window.
“At that point, I knew probably a lot of hope was lost that I’d ever see him again,” Winter told LGNY. “Death doesn’t discriminate. Death actually transcends sexual orientation.”
JACK KEOHANE
New York
John Keohane, 41, worked at One Liberty Plaza near the World Trade Center and died when the towers collapsed. After the planes hit the Trade Center towers, Keohane met Mike Lyons, his partner of 17 years, on the street, and called his mother from his cell phone.
“They were just in the streets like everybody else,” his sister, Darlene Keohane, told the San Francisco Chronicle. “As he was talking, he had thought a third plane crashed into the building.”
What Keohane thought was a third crash was really the collapse of the South tower of the World Trade Center. While Lyons survived, Keohane was killed by falling debris.
A native of San Francisco, Keohane had lived in the New York area for a year. Distraught over Keohane’s death, Lyons committed suicide on March 1.
MICHAEL LEPORE
New York
Michael Lepore’s friends now take care of his rosebushes and plants in the garden that had been his pride and joy.
“We used to say nothing bad could ever happen here,” Lepore’s partner of 18 years, David O’Leary, told the New York Times. “And it’s still the most important thing. It’s where I see most of Michael.”
Lepore, 39, was a project analyst at Marsh & McLennan. He shared a home, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright apprentice Edgar Tafel, with O’Leary and their three cocker spaniels, and the couple was in the midst of helping to plan Lepore’s youngest brother’s wedding.
O’Leary said, a month prior to the attacks, their house had been bustling with friends and family.
“Everything was so perfect in our lives,” he said. “Just so perfect.”
PATRICIA McANENEY
New York
Patricia McAneney, 50, always wanted to be a firefighter. While she never actually became one, she did serve as fire marshal for the floor in One World Trade Center where her employer, Guy Carpenter insurance company, had its offices.
Her friends and partner remembered her for her honesty.
“If one of us committed a crime, Pat would be the last person we could go to because she would turn you in,” McAneney’s partner of nearly 20 years, Margaret Cruz, told the New York Times. “She said she might give me a few hours’ head start.”
WESLEY MERCER
New York
Wesley Mercer, the vice president of corporate security for Morgan Stanley, was generally a quiet man. But his partner, Bill Randolph, told the New York Times that Mercer also could be a leader during a crisis.
That’s what he did on Sept. 11, 2001. The World Trade Center towers fell as Mercer helped evacuate other employees
“It put a hole in my stomach,” Randolph told the paper. “But I knew that’s what he would have done.”
Mercer, who was divorced and had two daughters, became a security officer after serving in the military, and was known for his formal style. “He always thought the way he carried himself was important,” Randolph said.
PHILIP “ROXY EDDIE” OGNIBENE
New York
“Roxy Eddie” Ognibene, a member of the Renegades of New York’s Big Apple Softball League, was killed last Sept. 11 while working as a bond trader for Keefe, Bruyette & Woods on the 89th floor of Two World Trade Center, according to Outsports.com.
Ognibene, 39, was considered by his friends to be “a strong lefty hitter, a flawless first baseman,” and a solid pitcher and outfield player, the gay sports Web site reported. Those who knew him said his sense of humor was contagious, and just to see him was to laugh out loud.
Although his work often left him too busy to pursue outside hobbies, Ognibene had a love of softball and had just recently joined the league. During one particularly nasty practice, which occurred in the middle of a downpour, Ognibene was the last to leave the field.
“I don’t care,” he said, friend Ben Moon recounted to Outsports. “I just love to play softball.”
CATHERINE SMITH
New York
Catherine Smith, 44, worked on the 92nd floor of the first World Trade Center tower as a vice president for Marsh & McLennon when tragedy struck last Sept. 11.
Smith and her partner of six years, Elba Cedeno, considered themselves very similar to Pepe Le Pew and Penelope from the Looney Tunes cartoons, according to the New York Times. “They had known each other, in passing, for 20-odd years, both frequenting the same bar,” the paper reported. Later, when both had ended other relationships, they officially met.
The two were together for six years.
“This was my soul mate. We planned to live the rest of our lives together and retire together,” Cedeno said.
From staff and wire reports
Real Estate
Factors to consider when hiring an interior designer
It’s essential to have confidence in the professionals you engage
(StatePoint) Ready to redesign your home? Whether you have only a vague notion of how you want your spaces to look or a very specific vision, relying on the expertise of a professional can help you bring your dream home to life. Before choosing and hiring an interior designer, though, be sure to take the following factors into consideration:
Style: Identify your style. Is it boho chic? Industrial? Maximalist? Many designers have their own signature look and preferences. It’s best to understand what vibe you want first, then search for a designer who aligns with that style.
Past client projects: One of the best ways to know whether a particular designer is the right fit for you is to review their past client projects. Ask to see their portfolio or review their finished projects on their website or socials. Also, take a look at reviews and testimonials to ensure their previous customers walked away satisfied with a job well done.
Budget: Communicate your budget in advance of work to confirm that you and your designer are on the same page financially. Your decorator will need this ballpark figure to get a handle on the scope of the project and to make design decisions accordingly. You should also use this conversation to understand their rates so you can decide whether you want to move forward.
Preferred vendors: It’s important that the interior designer you choose has preferred vendors that they work with. These are partners they’ve built strong relationships with that provide the same first-rate experience they do, and have streamlined processes in place. “A home renovation has so many moving parts. That’s why we try to take the hassle out of the process for designers and homeowners alike,” says Katie Zess, senior marketing manager and director of Renewal by Andersen’s Interior Designer Loyalty Program.
Through the loyalty program, the full-service window and door replacement division of Andersen Corporation offers their program members exclusive access and rewards, including a “designer discount” they can share with their clients. Renewal by Andersen also offers designers a dedicated point of contact to ensure a smooth process that’s customized for your project from start to finish. To learn more, visit renewalbyandersen.com.
Before you begin your home renovation, it’s essential to have confidence in the professionals you hire. Be sure your interior designer has fostered partnerships that will streamline your redesign, and that their goals and budget aligns with yours.
Real Estate
The LGBTQ real estate map is being redrawn
Affordability, higher mortgage rates reshaping where we choose to call home
For decades, the map of LGBTQ+ America was relatively easy to recognize.
New York. San Francisco. Los Angeles. Palm Springs. Provincetown. Fort Lauderdale and Wilton Manors.
These communities became LGBTQ+ destinations because they offered something that wasn’t always easy to find elsewhere: visibility, acceptance, community and the freedom to live openly.
But that map is changing.
Today’s LGBTQ+ homebuyers are navigating a housing market defined by high prices, elevated mortgage rates and affordability challenges. At the same time, remote and hybrid work, retirement and the growth of LGBTQ+ communities beyond traditional destinations are giving buyers more choices about where to live.
Increasingly, the question isn’t simply, “Where are the most LGBTQ-friendly places to live?”
It’s also: “Where can I find community and afford the life I want?”
That shift may become one of the defining LGBTQ+ real estate trends of the coming decade.
Affordability Is Changing the Conversation
For many buyers, the biggest issue in today’s housing market is simple: the monthly payment.
The average 30-year fixed mortgage rate was 6.95% in mid-September, compared with 6.26% a year earlier, according to Freddie Mac.
Meanwhile, the median price of an existing U.S. home reached $429,100 in August, according to the National Association of Realtors.
The combination of elevated home prices and higher borrowing costs has changed what many Americans can afford—and where they can afford it.
Some buyers are purchasing smaller homes or condominiums. Others are moving farther from major urban centers. Still others are reconsidering expensive markets entirely.
For LGBTQ+ buyers, this is helping broaden the definition of an LGBTQ+-friendly place to call home.
LGBTQ+ Buyers Have More Choices
A generation ago, relocating away from a major city or established gay neighborhood could sometimes mean sacrificing access to a visible LGBTQ+ community.
That’s increasingly less true.
Traditional LGBTQ+ destinations such as Palm Springs, Fort Lauderdale and Wilton Manors, San Francisco, New York and Provincetown remain important centers of LGBTQ+ life. But today, LGBTQ+ buyers can also find established or growing communities in cities across the country.
Places such as Minneapolis, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Richmond, Atlanta and the Tampa Bay area are among the markets attracting buyers who may be looking for a different balance of housing costs, lifestyle and community.
The goal isn’t necessarily to find the cheapest house.
It’s to find the right combination of affordability, LGBTQ+ community, lifestyle, employment opportunities, healthcare, culture and quality of life.
Remote and hybrid work have expanded those possibilities for some buyers. If a job no longer requires being in an expensive employment center five days a week, the geographic search for a home can become considerably larger.
That can make communities that once seemed impractical suddenly worth considering.
Retirement Is Redrawing the Map, Too
Retirement is another important part of the changing LGBTQ+ real estate landscape.
As more Americans reach retirement age, LGBTQ+ retirees are considering where they want to spend the next chapter of their lives. Housing costs, taxes, healthcare, climate and proximity to airports, restaurants and cultural activities all play a role.
But LGBTQ+ retirees may have additional questions.
Will I feel comfortable living openly?
Is there an LGBTQ+ community nearby?
Can I find LGBTQ+-affirming healthcare?
Will I have opportunities to build a social network as I get older?
Those considerations can make choosing a retirement destination particularly personal.
Palm Springs and Fort Lauderdale/Wilton Manors remain well-known LGBTQ+ retirement destinations. But retirees are also exploring smaller cities and communities across the Southeast, Midwest and other regions where housing costs and lifestyles can look very different.
For many, the search is becoming less about moving to a famous gay destination and more about finding a place where community, lifestyle and affordability intersect.
Buyers Finally Have More Leverage
There is another significant change in today’s housing market: buyers have regained some negotiating power.
The National Association of Realtors reported 1.62 million existing homes for sale in August, up 5.9% from a year earlier. That represents approximately 4.9 months of housing supply, the highest level in more than a decade.
Realtor.com also reported that 20.4% of active listings had experienced a price reduction in August.
That’s a very different environment from the pandemic-era housing market, when buyers in many communities faced bidding wars, waived inspections and offers well above asking price.
Depending on the market, today’s buyer may have more time to evaluate a property and greater opportunity to negotiate price, repairs, closing costs or other concessions.
But there is an important caveat: there is no single national housing market.
Conditions can vary dramatically from one city—or even one neighborhood—to another. Some markets remain competitive, while others have considerably more inventory and negotiating room.
That’s one reason local expertise matters.
Sellers Need a Different Strategy
The changing market also has implications for LGBTQ+ homeowners considering selling.
Strategies that worked several years ago may not work today.
Buyers are highly sensitive to monthly payments, and an overpriced home can quickly be passed over when competing properties are available.
Sellers should pay close attention not only to recent comparable sales but also to homes currently competing for the same buyer.
Condition matters, too.
Repairs, landscaping, staging and professional photography can make a meaningful difference when buyers have more choices. Pricing correctly from the beginning has also become increasingly important.
More Than 30 Years Serving the LGBTQ+ Community
One part of buying or selling a home hasn’t changed: the importance of working with a real estate professional who understands your priorities.
For more than 30 years, GayRealEstate.com has served the LGBTQ+ community, connecting buyers and sellers with LGBTQ+ and allied real estate professionals throughout the United States.
Over that time, the GayRealEstate.com network has supported more than $2 billion in real estate sales and more than 55,000 transactions.
Behind those numbers are thousands of people making one of life’s most personal decisions: where to call home.
For LGBTQ+ buyers, that conversation can involve much more than bedrooms, bathrooms and price per square foot. It can include community, acceptance, healthcare, family, retirement, lifestyle and the ability to live openly.
An experienced LGBTQ+ or allied real estate professional can understand why those considerations belong in the real estate conversation.
Finding Home in a Changing America
The 2026 housing market presents real challenges.
Mortgage rates remain elevated. Home prices are high. Affordability continues to strain buyers across much of the country.
But there are also signs of a more balanced market. Inventory has increased. Price reductions have become more common. Buyers in many markets have regained negotiating power.
And for LGBTQ+ Americans, something else has changed: there are more places to consider calling home.
The next great LGBTQ+ destination doesn’t necessarily need the country’s largest Pride celebration or its most famous gay neighborhood.
It could be a smaller city with a growing LGBTQ+ community, attainable housing, good healthcare, strong cultural amenities and a quality of life that leaves room for travel, retirement or simply enjoying the home you’ve worked hard to own.
Ultimately, today’s LGBTQ+ real estate search increasingly comes down to three questions:
Where can I afford the life I want?
Where will I find my community?
And where will I feel at home?
The answers are becoming more varied—and that’s helping redraw the map of LGBTQ+ America.
Scott Helms is with GayRealEstate.com.
GayRealEstate.com has served the LGBTQ+ community for more than 30 years, connecting LGBTQ+ homebuyers and sellers with LGBTQ+ and allied real estate professionals across the United States. Its network has supported more than $2 billion in real estate sales and more than 55,000 transactions.
Advice
I’m 66, he’s 27. Is it love or am I being played?
What to do when your friends don’t trust your boyfriend
Dear Michael,
I’m 66, Peter is 27. I’m retired, financially comfortable. He’s a grad student.
We met last summer at the beach and started dating. Now we’re living together. I want this to be forever, and Peter says he does too.
The problem: Some of my friends are telling me that Peter is taking me for a ride.
I know all the cliches about older gay men thinking they’re in a loving relationship when the truth is they’re just some young guy’s sugar daddy. But I don’t feel old. And I think I have a grip on reality.
I do support Peter financially now, but he is eventually going to have a job. And if I didn’t pay for things, there’s no way he could share my life in terms of travel, dining out, etc. I want to have fun with him and am happy to foot the bill.
My friends say there’s no way he could be attracted to anything but my money. But I take great care of myself and look good. We don’t have the greatest sex life but I think it’s pretty hot. Peter says he is attracted to older guys.
And there’s much more to our relationship than sex. Despite the age difference, I think we are kindred spirits, and Peter says he feels the same. We both like travel, talking about politics, have similar taste in books and movies and TV shows. Lots of common interests.
I can deal with the age/money criticisms, but there’s some other stuff I’m more worried about.
One of my friends says he saw Peter making out with someone much younger over the summer. That worries me. I asked Peter about it and he said it wasn’t true.
Peter does go out, solo, because he can stay up a lot later than I want to. My party-till-dawn days are over. He says he’s just dancing and hanging out with friends. I want to believe him.
One night he didn’t come home and it unsettled me. He told me it just got too late so he crashed at a friend’s place. I thought of asking the friend about it but I didn’t want to seem like I was spying on Peter, and I also was afraid that the friend would say this didn’t happen. If it didn’t, then what? Do I break up with him for lying and cheating? I really don’t want to be old and alone. I can’t tell if my friends are making me paranoid or if I am being played.
Michael replies:
Obviously, I can’t know if Peter is telling you the truth or not. But I can give you some pointers on dealing with trust in a relationship. The main person to focus on trusting is yourself.
Do you trust your own sense of whether or not Peter is being honest with you? If not: What would it take for you to do so? Could you let yourself see things that you are currently not wanting to let yourself see? What is now stopping you from seeing him accurately?
You describe many ways in which you think the two of you are compatible. How about in terms of values? Do you respect Peter’s character? Can you get a good read on whether he is just telling you what you want to hear in order to stay in the relationship, or giving you an honest representation of where he really stands?
I understand that you’re afraid of finding out that Peter is lying to you, and that you don’t want to have to deal with ending the relationship. Given the possible ramifications, that makes sense. But do you want to let your fear stop you from keeping your eyes open?
When we decide to see things not as they are, but as we wish they were, or tell ourselves that what we see isn’t what we’re seeing, we end up getting hurt. And we do a great disservice to ourselves by discrediting our own internal witness, making it difficult to trust both ourselves and other people.
Only you can decide which would be preferable: Living with someone whom you don’t trust to be honest with you, or being alone.
In considering this possibility, keep in mind that none of us have a guarantee that we won’t be hurt in our relationships. In fact, it’s pretty much certain that at times we will be. Partners do break each other’s hearts, sometimes deliberately, sometimes not. That in itself is no reason to end a relationship.
But being with someone who is purposely deceiving you doesn’t sound that appealing.
Our relationship difficulties often give us possibilities to grow. Your fears about Peter’s infidelity are an opportunity for you two to have some conversations about how important you each think honesty is in a relationship; and what risks you are willing to take in order to have an honest relationship.
People are often afraid to speak the truth because of the possible consequences. But if you don’t speak up, you can easily wind up in a hollowed-out relationship where neither of you is willing to address what is really going on with each of you. That is the opposite of intimacy.
And, having a standard where each of you is forthcoming would avoid the minefield of a distrustful relationship where one of you is the detective and one of you is the suspect. That dynamic creates an imbalanced relationship and often leads to the watched partner wanting to get away with things.
Bottom line: Are each of you interested enough in an intimate relationship to be consistently honest with each other, even if your partner may not like what you say? And to do your best to respond thoughtfully to your partner’s honesty, even when he tells you something that you do not want to hear?
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C., Maryland, Virginia, New York, and all PSYPACT states. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
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