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N.J. gay couple celebrates 51st anniversary

Vince Grimm and Will Kratz met at a downtown Reading, Pa., gay bar

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Vince Grimm and Will Kratz (Blade photo by Michael K. Lavers)

VILLAS, N.J.ā€”Vince Grimm had just left the U.S. Army Security Agency after a two-year deployment in Korea when he returned to the Reading, Pa., gay bar scene in 1961. A 20-year-old farm boy quickly caught his eye at the Big Apple Bar.

ā€œWe saw each other on and off at the bar,ā€ said Grimm. ā€œHe was cute, blonde and kind of flamboyant ā€” just my type.ā€

More than five decades later, Will Kratz pointed out with a hearty chuckle during an interview at their home that overlooks Delaware Bay a few miles north of New Jerseyā€™s southernmost point that they consummated their relationship in the back of a 1957 Cadillac. ā€œThere was plenty of room,ā€ added Grimm.

Kratz, who joked he was 13 when asked his age (he turns 73 later this year,) noted that Reading crime boss Abe Minker essentially allowed the gay bars to flourish because they provided a steady stream of revenue to what Grimm described as the ā€œmost corrupt city on the East Coast.ā€ He said this pre-Stonewall scenario was a far cry from nearby Philadelphia where undercover officers regularly shook down the cityā€™s gay bars.

ā€œThat didnā€™t really happen in Reading because there was income coming in from everywhere,ā€ said Grimm. ā€œThere was a price to pay for people that had businesses and everything like that, but he kind of controlled everything. The bars were basically a safe place to go.ā€

ā€œSo were the streets,ā€ added Kratz. ā€œNothing bad ever happened on the streets.ā€

The couple, who celebrated their 51st anniversary the day before the Blade interviewed them on Aug. 9, stressed that they never experienced any sort of harassment or discrimination outside of Kratzā€™s much older brother who never accepted his homosexuality. Their sexual orientation was never a secret to their parents and classmates. ā€œEverybody knew us,ā€ said Grimm, 75. ā€œWe were sexually active in school; never had any problems.ā€

“We had no idea we were setting a precedent”

Kratz began to perform in drag on stage in the backroom of the Zanzibar, another downtown Reading gay bar, in 1959. Grimm quickly noted that Kratz was underage at the time, but management overlooked this fact.

ā€œThey didnā€™t give a shit at the bar, as long as you behaved, as long as you werenā€™t too small to get over the bar,ā€ added Kratz.

Kratz decided a couple of years later that he wanted to make the shows bigger. He approached the owner of the Big Apple Bar whose relatives owned a picnic grove outside Reading with buildings and a pavilion. They agreed to rent the space to him.

ā€œThen we decided, well weā€™ve got to have money for these drag shows and where are we going to get it? Well letā€™s have barbecue chicken parties, so we had three a summer at that location,ā€ said Kratz.

Gay News, Washington Blade, Gay New Jersey

Kratz and Grimm also organized drag shows that became increasingly popular among locals (Photo courtesy of Vince Grimm and Will Kratz)

Nearly 300 people paid $5 to attend the first party that took place in 1961, but they quickly grew in popularity. Up to 1,500 revelers who came from as far away as northern New Jersey, Baltimore and even D.C. on themed buses that included those dressed as Vatican officials and the Pope attended the parties. A lesbian once arrived on an elephant with two tigers she borrowed from a local circus.

Grimm noted that they were the Reading Breweryā€™s largest single customer ā€” the company delivered beer to the parties in tractor trailer trucks. Organizers also hired local firefighters, police officers and justices of the peace to work in the parking lot to thwart underage people who wanted to sneak into the gatherings.

ā€œThere was no other place for them to go, so that was like our first line of defense,ā€ said Grimm. ā€œPlus it made us kind of look legitimate.ā€

They soon, however, began to draw the attention of the Pennsylvania State Police because they created traffic jams on the local roads. Grimm noted that some of the troopers who investigated them were homophobic.

ā€œWe had some stand offs when they would come in and just kind of sit there in a car and try to intimate people,ā€ said Grimm, who was the president of the group that organized the party. Kratz was its treasurer. ā€œOne time I think I must have stood out ā€” stood there just staring at ā€˜em for like an hour, not making a move: well, when youā€™re ready to ask me questions Iā€™ll be happy to answer.ā€

Grimm recalled one incident in which the state police claimed that underage people had attended the party. Troopers called the state Liquor Control Board that subsequently confiscated the tractor trailer that had delivered beer.

ā€œWe got on the phone with the Reading Brewery and said we have a problem,ā€ recalled Grimm. ā€œThey said you donā€™t have any problem. Weā€™re going to be there with another tractor-trailer of beer within the hour. Donā€™t worry about the Liquor Control Board; weā€™ll take care of them. Another tractor-trailer full of kegs of beer showed up within the hour.ā€

The only other incident that the couple said they had was a rumored police raid. The couple sought advice from another local District Justice about what to do if authorities arrested them, but she was initially confused about the entire situation.

ā€œā€˜Oh my God youā€™re having these huge parties and all you guys are queer,ā€™ā€ said the judge, according to Grimm. ā€œI said, ā€˜Yeah.ā€™ She said, ā€˜Well … the law is the law and Iā€™ll abide by the law. If youā€™ve not done anything, if everything is in place you donā€™t have anything to worry about.ā€™ā€

Grimm then reached out to a Reading lawyer who worked for the American Civil Liberties Union to ā€œcover my bases.ā€ He also didnā€™t understand the potential problem that the couple faced.

ā€œI tried to explain everything to him and he said the ACLU doesnā€™t have anything to do with a group like yours,ā€ said Grimm. ā€œThey havenā€™t even gotten involved yet in gay groups. This was something totally new.ā€

In addition to the three parties they organized each year, Grimm and Kratz also staged drag shows that featured choreographers and up to 10 performers on stage at any given time. Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand proved popular muses, but some participants wrote entire operettas and made their costumes.

ā€œThe fire police people and the local JPs kind of found out that we were having these shows and they said, well how come you never ask us to come to these shows. We said you can come,ā€ said Grimm. ā€œThey started to come to the Sunday matinees; they would come in suits. Their wives would come in their furs. It was totally unbelievable. This was their theater. We were their theater and they were actually the best audience that we had. We got standing ovations. They would go crazy. They couldnā€™t wait for us.ā€

A combination of Philadelphiaā€™s burgeoning drag scene and a lack of interest among younger people prompted the couple to end their parties in 1979.

ā€œIt sounds like we were doing great things only in retrospect now because back then, we knew what we were doing, but we had no idea what we were doing,ā€ said Kratz, who designed displays for the Strawbridge and Clothier department store at the time. ā€œWe knew our drag. We knew how to sew costume. We had no idea we were setting a precedent, for anybody. We just wanted to provide a safe place for the 1,500 or so people who ended up coming and the 500-600 who came to our shows in four weekends. We had no idea we were pre-anything else like Stonewall. We werenā€™t out on the streets looking for freedom. We already had it.ā€

Coupleā€™s activism, generosity expands beyond Pa.

Grimm, a former engineer, joined a Bucks County group that supported people with AIDS at the beginning of the epidemic in the early 1980s that became the template for Pennsylvaniaā€™s statewide service organization for those with the virus. He also volunteered for the South Jersey AIDS Alliance and became a board member after he and Kratz retired to Cape May in 1996.

They also joined GABLES Cape May, an LGBT community and support group with more than 200 members from across the county that formed in the mid-1990s in response to homophobic commentaries about the areaā€™s growing gay population that began to appear in the local newspaper. The organization has raised nearly $150,000 for the local Red Cross chapter and other community organizations. Both Grimm and Kratz are also on the Lower Cape May Regional High Schoolā€™s advisory board.

ā€œWe know that the gays that are going to the high school over here are being harassed and are being harassed by their classmates,ā€ said Grimm, who said this bullying does not occur at a nearby technical school where the students are more accepting of their LGBT classmates. ā€œThe kids are basically walking around hand-in-hand and nobody cares.ā€

The group also played a role in efforts to secure passage of both New Jerseyā€™s domestic partnership registry and civil unions law ā€” the couple entered into one two days after the stateā€™s civil unions law took effect in 2007. Grimm, who is also a minister, continues to officiate these ceremonies throughout the Cape May area.

ā€œThe biggest reason for us to do it immediately was death things,ā€ said Kratz. ā€œWhen you die, the tax rate is astronomical. Now thatā€™s going to be somewhat less. Domestic partnership is not marriage, but it’s close. Weā€™ve heard stories and meet people that one lover died and they had to sell the house and the business to pay the tax.ā€

He added that he does not think that he and Grimm will live to see the day when gays and lesbians can legally tie the knot in New Jersey. Gov. Chris Christie in February vetoed a same-sex marriage bill, but Kratz stressed he expects gay weddings will eventually happen in the Garden State.

ā€œI thought if marriage passes, am I going to have yet another dress because we had to do two ceremonies,ā€ he joked.

When asked about the most romantic thing the couple had done for each other, Kratz immediately said travel. He and Grimm went to India and Egypt in the 1970s and have traveled around the world twice. They established the Nguyen Zian Quynh-Vince Will Education Foundation to help fatherless Vietnamese children attend school after they visited the Southeast Asian country in 2006 and befriended a guide after whom they named it.

ā€œThatā€™s probably one of the best, rewarding things we do,ā€ said Grimm.

Both men stressed they remain in love with each other after 51 years.

ā€œIā€™ve never had a day in my life that I wanted to kill him,ā€ said Kratz, although he joked he came close last month after Grimm left his passport in his suitcase when they boarded a cruise ship in Copenhagen. ā€œNever, never have I had a moment where I said I didnā€™t want to be here.ā€

Grimm added that Kratz has ā€œbacked me all of the way.ā€

ā€œIf I had one wish it would be that everyone could have a supporting partner like heĀ is,ā€ he said.

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Real Estate

Donā€™t procrastinate buying your home

Some experts predict rates will fall in June

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Spring is in the air and itā€™s a great time to buy a new home.

As springtime fills the air, cherry blossoms are blooming, much of the year still lies ahead and many have started to think about how they are progressing with their 2024 goals. If the dream of buying a house was put on hold when the interest rates went from 3% to almost 8%, and life got in the way of an idea that had gotten onto your to-do list, maybe now is the time to dust it off. 

Mortgage lender Tina Del Casale from Sandy Spring Bank says, ā€œThere is still hope the Fed will be happy with inflation numbers by June to finally pull the trigger on lowering interest rates.ā€  

The rates might not be as low as they were in 2021, but historically, they are still not as high as they were 20 years ago. Some peopleā€™s parents remember getting interest rates that were 12%, 14% or even higher.   

One of the biggest questions I get at homebuyer seminars is about is the process. What is buying a house ACTUALLY like?  I usually tell them that itā€™s like anything else. One step at a time. One form at a time. One bank transfer at a time. One house showing at a time. One home inspection at a time. If you have the wherewithal to plan a vacation, you can buy a house. 

  • Finding a Realtor
  • Finding a lender to get pre-approved (how much is your budget and what is a comfortable monthly payment)
  • Are there any first-time buyer programs that could be used? Is there down payment assistance?
  • Looking at the houses.
  • Finding one you like, and putting an offer together:
    • An offer usually involves a sales contract, any special forms that the jurisdictions require (lead-based paint acknowledgements, what appliances and systems in the house are included/excluded, if the home is part of a homeowners association, or a condo association, etc.)
    • Any forms related to getting an inspection done.
    • Who is selling the house, who is buying the house, how much is it being sold for, where it is exactly, and who are the others involved in the transaction (title company, agents, etc.)?
  • Getting any inspections done.
  • Negotiating any changes in the sales price or terms, or credits for inspection items.
  • Getting the final approval for the loan and then going to settlement.

Many people get interested in buying a house, but the ā€œunknownā€ of it all can be daunting. It could be that the best way to think about it, is that like most things in life, you canā€™t cross every bridge BEFORE you get there. You just take it one day at a time. Some things will be surprisingly easy. Some things will require the advice of experienced lenders, Realtors, home inspectors and title attorneys.  

But if the process doesnā€™t begin somewhere, somehow, the idea just stays in oneā€™s head in the ā€œto do listā€ file.  And then 3 years go by, 5 years go by, 7 years go by. And your friends that DID buy a house laugh themselves to the bank when they go to sell the house they bought 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or 7 years ago.

If you need any recommendations for a local lender or Realtor, please donā€™t hesitate to ask.

Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. Reach him at [email protected] or 703-587-0597.

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Advice

Giving up drinking is killing our relationship

What happens when one partner is sober and the other isnā€™t

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Iā€™m a 38-year-old guy, was single for most of my 30s, which I didnā€™t like at all, and I finally met a great guy last Memorial Day Weekend. 

Until New Yearā€™s I would have said that everything was going great. I was on Cloud Nine. Eric is kind, handsome, smart, and a great catch.

But in December he decided to do ā€œDry January.ā€ It was kind of on a whim I think. We were out with some friends and one of them said he was not going to drink at all for the month of January.Ā He thought alcohol was playing too big a role in his life so he wanted to see what life would be like without it. Another friend said he would do it too, and then Eric said he would.

I wish we hadnā€™t gone out that night and then this whole thing wouldnā€™t have happened.

So, as the month progressed, Eric started talking more and more about how much better he was feeling without alcohol in his body or his life.

I donā€™t think we drank that much pre-January. Yes, weā€™d have something to drink every time we went out, with friends or just together, but not to excess.

At some point, Eric started saying that he wasnā€™t really enjoying going out with our friends, as he wasnā€™t drinking and they were (except the two friends who were also doing the Dry January thing). This meant Iā€™d either go out without him (which I didnā€™t like) or weā€™d stay home, or go out just the two of us. But then if Iā€™m drinking and heā€™s not, it just feels awkward. He hasnā€™t said anything but I feel like heā€™s judging me whenever I have a drink.

I was hoping heā€™d relax about the whole thing at the end of the month but now heā€™s decided he doesnā€™t want to drink anymore at all.

To make matters worse, he says that the month made him think more about the big role alcohol plays in his life (his words) and he has started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

So where does this leave me? I do want to keep drinking. Iā€™m just a social drinker and I donā€™t have a problem with alcohol. I think it adds a fair amount of fun to my life. Plus, all my friends drink (including the two who did Dry January) and itā€™s a big part of our socializing. If you donā€™t drink when everyone else is drinking, itā€™s really not fun and it feels weird.

At this point Eric doesnā€™t go out with the friend group we were going out with because he doesnā€™t have a good time as the only non-drinker. (I get it, thatā€™s one of the reasons I drink when my friends are drinking.) So I go out sometimes without him, which as I mentioned doesnā€™t feel so good, and which I donā€™t think is great for our relationship; or I donā€™t go out with my friends, which I donā€™t like.

I love Eric and I could see us having a great life together but his not drinking has opened what feels like a chasm between us.

How do couples handle this situation, where one person wants to stop drinking and the other does not? The impact is seeming increasingly huge to me and I donā€™t see how to make it stop being a divisive problem.

Michael replies:

I donā€™t think that Ericā€™s sobriety needs to be a divisive problem, if you can tolerate that you donā€™t get to have your life with Eric be exactly as you would like. 

This is the same dilemma that everyone in a serious relationship must face. Our partners are always different from us in some important ways, even if it doesnā€™t seem that way at first. And we have to figure out how to live with these differences, contentedly for the most part.  Our partners face the same challenge. 

Of course, not every difference can be (or should be) resolvable. For example, if one person is determined to parent and the other person is determined to be child-free, it makes great sense to part ways ā€” unless one person decides theyā€™d rather stay with their partner than have it their way.  

You and Eric have to figure out if your differences around alcohol are a deal-breaker, or if you can find a way to build a solid relationship, even as you drink socially and he is sober.

Whether and how you do this are for the two of you to figure out.  That said, here are some ideas for your consideration: 

  • Can you accept Ericā€™s not joining you for some or even many of your social activities?
  • Can you and Eric talk about what might help him be more comfortable joining your friends now and then?
  • Can you ask Eric what itā€™s like for him when you are drinking, rather than assuming that he is judging you? (Important question for your consideration: What led you to make that assumption rather than asking him?)
  • If Eric is making friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, would you want to join him at times when he socializes with them? 

The main ingredients here are generosity, flexibility, collaboration, and curiosity.

Speaking of curiosity, rather than wishing that the two of you had missed that invitation to participate in Dry January, how about being curious about Ericā€™s decision to stop drinking? I suspect that your dismissiveness has a negative impact on his desire to be close to or confide in you. If you are curious about this important life change that Eric is undertaking, you will certainly learn a lot about your boyfriend, and likely deepen your connection.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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Real Estate

Down payment strategies: Financing your home purchaseĀ 

Understanding the options key to unlocking the door to a dream home

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Looking for your dream home? First, you need to understand how to make the down payment.

Navigating the path to homeownership can be a complex journey, especially when it comes to accumulating the necessary down payment. For members of our LGBTQ community, understanding the available options for saving and financing this crucial aspect of home buying is key to unlocking the door to their dream home. Let’s explore effective methods and resources specifically designed to support LGBTQ individuals on their path to homeownership.

Traditional Savings Strategies

Saving for a down payment often begins with traditional methods such as setting aside a portion of your income into a dedicated savings account. High-yield savings accounts and automated savings plans, some offering up to 5% interest in today’s market, can expedite the process, providing a disciplined approach to accumulate funds over time. Additionally, exploring investment opportunities that match your risk tolerance can offer potential growth for your down payment savings.

Down Payment Assistance Programs

A variety of down payment assistance programs exist to help homebuyers with their initial costs. These programs often offer grants or low-interest loans to first-time homebuyers or those who haven’t owned a home in the past three years. 

It’s essential to speak with a GayRealEstate.com agent to determine what programs may be available, plus online research into local and state assistance programs, as many are designed to support individuals in specific communities, including the LGBTQ+ community.

For medical professionals, police, teachers, firefighters, and other community heroes, there are several special loan and assistance programs designed to help with home purchases, often offering benefits like down payment assistance, reduced closing costs, and more favorable loan terms.

The Hero Home Loan Program provides first responders, including police officers, firefighters, and paramedics, with benefits such as lower interest rates and reduced closing costs. This program aims to make homeownership more accessible by offering more flexible credit score requirements and down payment assistance .

For educators, firefighters, law enforcement officers, and medical professionals, the Everyday Hero Housing Assistance Fund (EHHAF) offers closing cost assistance through gift funds. This program is designed to support those who serve their communities by making homeownership more affordable, with no repayment required for the grant fundsā€‹ā€‹.

The HUD Good Neighbor Next Door Program offers up to 50% off the list price of homes for law enforcement officers, pre-Kindergarten through 12th-grade teachers, firefighters, and emergency medical technicians. This initiative aims to encourage community revitalization by assisting these professionals in homeownership within the communities they serveā€‹ā€‹.

Homes for Heroes provides assistance specifically to first responders and offers significant savings through Hero Rewards when buying, selling, or refinancing a home. On average, participants save $3,000, with the program offering real estate and mortgage specialist connections tailored to the needs of first respondersā€‹ā€‹.

LGBTQ-Friendly Lending Options

Finding a lender that understands and supports the unique needs of our LGBTQ community can make a significant difference. Some lenders and organizations specialize in offering inclusive financial products and resources to assist LGBTQ+ homebuyers. These may include specialized mortgage products, financial planning services, and guidance through the home buying process.

The journey to homeownership is a milestone that requires careful planning and support. Remember, every step taken towards saving and financing your home purchase brings you closer to the dream of homeownership.

(GayRealEstate.com offers valuable resources and advice tailored to meet the unique needs of our LGBTQ+ community in their journey towards homeownership. For more comprehensive guidance and support in navigating the home buying process, visit GayRealEstate.com choose an agent and start a no-obligation conversation today.)

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at [email protected].

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