I was intrigued by your Valentine’s Day column featuring the long-term couple who aren’t having sex anymore. I’m in a similar boat with my husband of 12 years, where we don’t have much sex and don’t do much when we do have sex (porn movies and mutual masturbation). To be honest, I hook up with other guys from time to time at the gym and I’m pretty sure Mark does too. It’s far hotter and more exciting than the same old same old.
You suggest that couples should accept that sex with the same person loses some of its steaminess as time goes by and that we should focus on enjoying the other aspects of sex, like emotional connection and closeness.
My problem with this is when I don’t hook up, I’m jealous of the hotter sex that I hear my single (and some partnered) friends are having. There are so many gorgeous guys out there and life is short. I feel like I’m getting old and missing out if I’m not taking advantage of all the pleasure that I could enjoy. You only live once. It’s hard to just enjoy the warmth and coziness of ho-hum sex in my marriage when I could be out there screwing my brains out with some amazing guy, like I constantly hear my friends are doing. And yet, I love Mark and want to stay with him.
I feel like I’m going crazy over this and sometimes I’m really bummed about not getting the good stuff that others are enjoying.
You are facing a few tough, inter-related dilemmas.
First, the FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) factor: Many gay men place a heavy emphasis on sex (think Grindr and similar apps). There’s nothing wrong with pursuing or enjoying sex, but when lots of sex/multiple partners is the standard of success in your circle and you believe you’re not meeting that standard, it’s easy to feel like you’re missing out. Even a guy who isn’t interested in pursuing high-volume sex may feel like a loser for following his own path.
Second, our entire culture glorifies youth and disparages aging and gay men are not immune to this outlook. The white-hot sex of a new connection is associated with youth, just as the inevitable decrease of this sort of sex in an ongoing relationship is associated with aging. Most of us don’t like the idea of getting older and letting go of youthful abilities and pleasures, so we glorify and chase intense sex while looking down on the less scorching sex that we’re more likely to have with a long-term mate. Who wants to give up on the prospect of hot sex?
Third, if you make the choice to be in a monogamous relationship, you are definitely going to miss out on possibly steamy sex with other guys. But if you are in a relationship and have outside sex, jealousy may sour your marriage, one of you may leave for a seemingly hotter prospect, the time and attention you spend on hookups may erode your connection with your spouse and the secrecy, if you are not open about what you are doing, may create distance. Also the quality and quantity of sex at home may decline as you put in less effort.
The truth is, aging is inevitable and we can’t have everything. What we can do is decide what’s most important to us and go for it.
Toward this end, figure out whether you want to keep looking for outside encounters so that you don’t miss out or whether you want to really make the best of the relationship you are in. I don’t think you can do both. Should you choose the latter, here’s a question: If you’re so bored sexually, why are you and Mark settling for merely jerking off together to porn? Couldn’t you find something more exciting to do together?
People have all kinds of reasons why they stop having good sex with their partners. The one that I hear most often in my practice is, “It shouldn’t take work. Something must be wrong if we don’t spontaneously want to have sex.” But the truth is, nothing is wrong. It’s inevitable that the excitement of newness fades, but it is not inevitable that you have to stop having sex when it does. Nor does long-term sex have to be dull, unless you believe that it does and put no effort into making it worth having.
If you and Mark stay together and stay bored, please find a skilled couples therapist to help you find a way to have more cozy, intimate, connected sex that is even occasionally hot! Good luck.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com