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Why do black gay celebs have white partners?

Sam, Roberts, Collins, Sykes and more in a sea of whiteness

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Michael Sam, Vito Cammisano, gay news, Washington Blade
Michael Sam, Vito Cammisano, gay news, Washington Blade

Michael Sam and Vito Commisano (Photo courtesy Cammisano’s pubic Twitter feed)

Michael Sam, Robin Roberts, Jason Collins, Tracy Chapman, Wanda Sykes, Don Lemon, Derrick Gordon are all high-profile gay African-American public figures and they all have white partners.

When Michael Sam shattered the glass ceiling and became the first openly gay man to get drafted in the NFL I was thrilled for him and full of pride as a gay black man. I noticed immediately though, when Michael Sam got the call from the coach of the St. Louis Rams he was in a sea of whiteness. He was the only African American in the room when he got drafted.

Would Michael Sam be celebrated as a hero to the LGBT community if he had a black boyfriend? A part of me was indeed happy that Michael Sam broke a barrier. When Michael Sam kissed his white twink boyfriend Vito Cammisano, I cringed. It took me a while to reflect on why I felt so disappointed in seeing Sam kiss his white lover. I wasn’t disgusted, I am an openly gay man and I have seen gay men kiss each other for more than a decade. I can also see the love Sam and Cammisano have for each other. However, I can’t shake the feeling that Sam ā€” like other black gay public figures who have come out ā€” follow the white gay standard.

There is a paucity of black gay public figures who are out and since images are important in society, the few black gay celebrities are sending the wrong message.

For people who are outsiders to black gay culture there are sociological reasons why Robin Roberts, Michael Sam, Don Lemon, Jason Collins and Derrick Gordon have white partners and it isn’t just about falling in love with another person. In the private sphere of black culture, there is a lot of homophobia that can cause a lot of psychological and emotional damage to a black gay person. The homophobia in black culture can lead a black LGBT person to harbor feelings of resentment and anger at the black community as a whole. Some black gays have a predilection to distance themselves entirely from black people in order to recover from the homophobia in the private sphere of black society.

For instance, Sam grew up in a broken home ā€” his father deserted his family and his mother was a stereotypical pious black woman. My theory is that due to the homophobia in black culture, some black gay people just want to be accepted and I can understand that. Some black gays believe to assimilate into the white gay mainstream they can obtain social acceptance.

Everyone wants to belong, to be accepted for who you are and loved. This is the reason there is a clear pattern that when black gay public figures come out they have a predilection for white partners.

There is also a divide between black gays who are out of the closet and the black gays still closeted. Some black gays who are out and proud have a superiority complex. These out gay blacks believe they are better than blacks who are closeted because they have immersed themselves into the white gay world. Also, some black gays who are out make a conscious effect to obtain a white partner who is a symbol of moving up the social ladder.

But what deleterious subliminal messages are these black gay public figures sending to the black community?

I believe these out black gay public figures are sending mixed messages to the black community. Does a black gay person have to be with a white person in order to obtain social acceptance?

In the gay community, the standard of beauty is usually a young white male, under 40, in great shape and he is middle/upper class. This white gay male image is engendered in television shows such as HBOā€™s ā€œLookingā€ and in gay magazines. There is also a lie that there are not out and proud black gay people. For instance, Atlanta is the gay black Mecca, despite being in the American South. It has a vibrant black gay community. D.C., Los Angeles, Chicago and New York City also have black queer communities with people out and proud. The dilemma is that although these black gay public figures are out since they tend to have white lovers there is a disconnect with black culture when they come out. When black people see high-profile public figures with white partners many blacks ā€” gay or straight ā€”Ā are apathetic to them. These black gay public figures with white partners are just following the standard quo.

There simply isn’t the same political or social power seeing interracial gay public figures as couples than to see black gay or lesbian public figures as couples out and proud. It also is not empowering to see these interracial gay couples who are public figures because it is so one sided. Notice, you do not see a plethora of high-profile white gay public figures with black partners. People have a right to love whomever they desire. However, it would be foolish to ignore a clear pattern where black gay public figures come out yet are hypocritical. These black gay public figures tell society they are proud to be black and gay yet having a black gay partner by their side they are apathetic to it.

Orville Lloyd Douglas is author of the new book ā€˜Under My Skinā€™ published by Guernica Editions and available on Amazon.

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Unique financial planning challenges for trans community

Overcoming roadblocks in journey to living an authentic life

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Approximately 2.6 million Americans identify as transgender, according to the U.S. Census Bureau Household Pulse Survey in 2023. This community faces many financial, legal, and estate planning challenges, resulting in higher rates of financial instability compared to the general population. However, these challenges are not generally understood or even discussed. 

At JPMorgan Chase, weā€™re dedicated to providing awareness and education to help all communities ā€” including members of the LGBTQ+ community ā€” reach their financial goals. Our team at J.P. Morgan Wealth Management recently published a new white paper to offer actionable tips for transgender adults to help them overcome some of the specific obstacles they face with planning.

Here are some key takeaways:

Inaccurate identity documents create a foundational problem

Hundreds of thousands of transgender people in the U.S. do not have a single piece of identification that correctly identifies their gender or chosen name. Many people, including those in the broader LGBTQ+ population, have never thought about what their lives would be like if they lacked accurate identity documents. 

Having accurate identity documents is essential for so many aspects of everyday life ā€“ applying for school or a job, finding a place to live, exercising the right to vote and boarding a plane. Presenting inaccurate identification in these situations can subject transgender individuals to unfair discrimination and harassment. But correcting name and gender markers on identity documents can be complicated, expensive, time-consuming, and in some cases, impossible.

The U.S. State Department has adopted one of the most simple and progressive policies for correcting gender markers in the world. Since June 2021, medical certification is not required to change the gender marker in oneā€™s passport. Transgender people should consider updating their U.S. Passport book or card immediately and use that document as primary identification. Passport books and cards are valid for 10 years, even if policies change during that time.

Credit issues are common for trans community 

Transgender individuals who are able to successfully obtain new identity documents still frequently face credit issues. Unlike changes to oneā€™s last name after a marriage or divorce, informing banks or other creditors of a change to oneā€™s first name on accounts does not automatically cause credit reporting agencies to update that personā€™s credit file. The credit reporting system can often be problematic for transgender people after a name change, with many reporting that credit files are never updated or that their credit scores decline.

This can create a cascading effect in numerous areas of oneā€™s financial life, and it goes beyond borrowing. Credit files are frequently checked in employment decisions, pricing insurance, establishing utility and phone service and applying to rent a home. 

Until policies change, transgender individuals should directly contact each creditor and credit reporting agency and follow each organizationā€™s specific procedures and documentation requests. And they should carefully monitor that the changes are actually made and do not result in a credit score change.

Emergency and end-of-life documents should be carefully reviewed

Transgender people often have special health care needs and face unique forms of disparate treatment in accessing care, and cannot speak for themselves in these circumstances. End-of-life planning is often difficult to think about, but itā€™s especially critical that this community works with their attorneys and trusted advisors to create customized emergency and end-of-life legal documents. 

The people named in these documents who could become decision-makers ā€“ typically trusted friends or supportive family members ā€“ should be empowered to direct health care providers to meet the patientā€™s wishes and preserve their chosen name and gender identity, as well as service providers, such as funeral home employees, to honor the deceasedā€™s wishes about their appearance during memorial services.

The laws for these documents are complicated, and they vary depending on the state or territory. If possible, these documents should be prepared by experienced attorneys who routinely work with members of the LGBTQ+ community. 

The bottom line

Transgender individuals in the United States face unique financial, legal and estate planning challenges that create roadblocks in their journey to living an authentic life. Careful planning can help mitigate some, but not all, of these obstacles.

JPMorgan Chase & Co., its affiliates, and employees do not provide tax, legal or accounting advice. You should consult your own tax, legal and accounting advisors before engaging in any financial transaction. J.P. Morgan Wealth Management is a business of JPMorgan Chase & Co., which offers investment products and services through J.P. Morgan Securities LLC (JPMS), a registered broker-dealer and investment adviser, member FINRA and SIPC.

Joseph Hahn is executive director of Wealth Planning & Advice at J.P. Morgan Wealth Management.

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University students have a right to protest

But they must not threaten Jewish students on campus

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Students at Columbia University have set up a tent city to protest the war in Israel. (Screen capture via CBS News New York YouTube)

I support the right of students at Columbia University, and other colleges, to protest. They must understand they are protesting on private space. What I also find interesting is how many of them see their right to protest, and right to free speech. 

The First Amendment gives us a right to free speech, but it doesnā€™t specify what exactly is meant by freedom of speech. Defining what types of speech should and shouldnā€™t be protected by law, has been left to the courts. Clearly free speech has its limits. Obscene material such as child pornography, plagiarism of copyrighted material, defamation, or threats, arenā€™t allowed. Also not protected under the First Amendment is speech inciting illegal actions, or soliciting others to commit crimes. Private employers, and universities, are allowed to set their own guidelines as to what speech is allowed for their employees, and on their campuses. 

The debate over student protests at Columbia University is not a new one. I remember when the Student Afro Society (SAS) and the basically all-white Students for a Democratic Society (SDS), demonstrated and took over buildings at Columbia in 1968. Some were protesting the Vietnam War, others what they deemed would be a segregated gym in Morningside Heights, and Columbiaā€™s infringement on a minority community. Both legitimate causes. Those demonstrations took a nasty turn when students took over buildings and cut off water and electricity to them. They held a sit-in, in the presidentā€™s office, and took a dean hostage. Police were called and in some cases it got violent. We are not at the 1968 stage yet in the current demonstrations, and if outside agitators donā€™t get involved, it may not get to that. 

I agree with some of what the demonstrators are calling for, including having Israel rethink how it is conducting this war, protection for the Palestinian people, and immediately providing them with food and medicine. I donā€™t agree with their call to support BDS, which is the disinvestment in Israel. BDS is a Palestinian non-violent movement begun in 2005. I also see hypocrisy in what some of the protesters are saying. While they claim Israel is committing genocide in Gaza, which many disagree with, the same people are calling for genocide against Israel by supporting Hamas. It is Hamasā€™s stated goal to wipe Israel off the face of the earth, ā€œfrom the river to the sea.ā€

Calling out Israel for its tactics, is not anti-Semitic. But attacking, and calling out Jewish students on campus, telling them to go back to Poland, which we have seen on video, and making them feel unsafe, is. Then there is the totally outrageous statement, ā€œZionists donā€™t deserve to live.ā€ made by Khymani James, one of the student leaders of the Columbia, pro-Palestinian student protest encampment. He made the comments during and after a disciplinary hearing with Columbia administrators that he recorded and then posted on Instagram. I hope the president of Columbia University will be able to negotiate an agreement with the peaceful student demonstrators, including amnesty for some of those students who were arrested, if the students agree to certain parameters for continuing demonstrations. One being they cannot make other students feel unsafe on campus. 

I find it abhorrent that House Speaker Mike Johnson has inserted himself at Columbia University, calling for President Shafik to quit. It is a totally inappropriate political stunt. The same goes for Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-N.Y.) who called for the Biden administration to revoke the student visas of all foreign students who are demonstrating. Those students came to the United States for an education, because we are a free country. If they agree to the guidelines of the university, and what is recognized as acceptable free speech, we should continue to welcome them, and allow them to voice their feelings. Again, as long as they donā€™t threaten others while they do so. 

I am Jewish, and a strong supporter of the State of Israel. That support has not stopped me from calling on the Israeli people to rid themselves of Netanyahu, and his right-wing government. I oppose the settlements, and support a real two-state solution. But for that to happen not only will the Netanyahu government have to go, but the Palestinian people will have to reject Hamas. I have not heard the call for Hamas to release the hostages they took, whether those hostages are alive or dead at this time. 

I strongly believe in the right to protest, and for Americans, and those here legally, to speak out. In 1969, I came to D.C. to protest the Vietnam War in front of the Justice Department and was tear-gassed. I had a right to protest in a public space. Since that time, I have participated in many demonstrations. Some around the White House supporting rights for the disabled community, LGBTQ rights, womenā€™s rights, and in the ā€˜80s, demanding the government recognize, and do something about HIV/AIDS. The difference was in these demonstrations, those who disagreed were not threatened. The demonstrations I participated in, took place in public space, not the quad at Columbia University, or other university campuses, which is private space. Students who protest there must understand that. 

My hope is none of the peaceful student demonstrators at Columbia, and other institutions, those who do not threaten fellow students, are thrown out, losing the chance to earn a degree. Those students chose to go to their schools because they thought they would get a good education, and believed graduating from those schools would be good for their futures. 

Peter Rosenstein is a longtime LGBTQ rights and Democratic Party activist. He writes regularly for the Blade.

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Successful open relationships take effort

We have options as couples but they all require work

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Jake Stewart

(Editorā€™s note: This is the second of a two-part feature on open relationships. Click here for last weekā€™s installment.)

Open relationships are often ridiculed as the easy way out of commitment. After speaking with Scott and Kelsey, however, itā€™s clear theyā€™re anything but easy. 

Kelsey reflected on the ups and downs of being open in the past. ā€œYounger me definitely needed it,ā€ Kelsey said. ā€œAt the same time, drama came with it as well.ā€

While Scott and their partner have been together for nine years, it took four before they decided to open their relationship. ā€œIt came from the desire for the two of us to meet boys together,ā€ said Scott. ā€œThen we had some really terrible threesomes.ā€ 

Drama. Bad threesomes. Yikes ā€“ these arenā€™t exactly selling points for being open. But their experiences underscore something important: open relationships, like all relationships, are actually quite hard. Couples considering openness shouldnā€™t trick themselves into thinking it will make things easier. In reality, they take a lot of work. 

For Scott, those really terrible threesomes led them to opening up further, but with established boundaries. ā€œWe came up with ground rules. Use protection. No spending the night at somebodyā€™s house, etc.ā€  

Since Scott and their partner are happy in their relationship, these rules seem to work even if theyā€™ve shifted over time. ā€œBeing in an open relationship comes down to being really good at communicating with your partner,ā€ they added. ā€œItā€™s about communicating and checking in to see where your partner is.ā€

Open relationships should be for the right reasons 

As open relationships began taking off, observers were skeptical for good reason. ā€œIn the past, people were just cheating,ā€ said Kelsey. Another comment from Scott echoed this. ā€œIā€™ve seen open relationships and it felt like one partner was being taken advantage of by the other.ā€ 

It turns out there is a fine line between sexual exploration and free passes. While some open relationships walk that line well, others ā€“ not so much.  

In all fairness, now more than ever itā€™s difficult to remain monogamous, and one culprit is the rise of accessible hookup culture via social media. Apps like Tinder, Grindr, and dare I say Instagram are facilitating secret sexual connections never seen before. They ushered in a new era of cheating into relationships, alongside a bit of excessive stalking as well. 

So, to avoid an atmosphere of mistrust and pain, a natural evolution for couples is to change the rules altogether. Cheating canā€™t be cheating if itā€™s allowed, right?

However, once it is allowed, I wondered why these people donā€™t cut the strings altogether and be single. In response, Chad made an interesting point: people arenā€™t just afraid of being cheated on ā€“ theyā€™re afraid of the appearance of being single as well. We live in flashy times where our online image means everything. The dream is not necessarily having a partner, but showing the world you have a partner. Without that, you otherwise appear lonely. 

So, do open relationships ease the pain of cheating and perceived loneliness? As a proud lone wolf Iā€™m not the best person to assess, but based on my observations I can say this: being open works for some couples, but by no means is it a fast pass to being happy. Understanding why you want one is just as important as discovering how to make one work. 

With all this said, the undeniable risk ā€“ and perhaps downside ā€“ of a monogamous coupling is the higher chance of cheating outright. Unfortunately, thatā€™s something Chad knows all too well. 

Preferring monogamy is still OK

Chad had dated someone for two years before they married for five. Then, just over a year into the pandemic, his husband informed him he was dating someone else. They separated a few days later. 

For Chad this was painful, as it is for anyone, gay or straight, whoā€™s gone through something similar. But when I asked him if this experience shaped his outlook on what heā€™s looking for, his response came as a bit of a surprise: 

ā€œIt has not changed my view for or against open relationships,ā€ he said. ā€œI learned a lot in my marriage. It takes a lot of love, trust, and communication, which at times can feel like work. It also takes two; one canā€™t carry the relationship. I want to date someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.ā€ 

My heart swells hearing that, for even after experiencing the deepest kind of hurt, Chad searches for his one and only. Why? Because for him, the love heā€™s looking for is worth the wait. Itā€™s a beautiful sentiment that makes so-called hopeless romanticism the raddest feeling in the world sometimes. 

More importantly, Chad doesnā€™t let fear alter his view on love, and to me thatā€™s the most important lesson of this article. Love always comes with risks, and lowering your standards to reduce them never really pans out, does it? The best we can do is to be ourselves. 

By the way, this is a lesson I should also apply. My main hesitation toward an open relationship is that Iā€™m a jealous bitch, and I fear that jealousy will never go away. Yet this can be hard to admit when everyone around you is propping up a culture where open is supreme and jealousy is immature. 

When I brought this up to Kelsey, she pushed back with a simple question: ā€œDo you think jealousy is a bad thing?ā€ 

This caught me off guard. ā€œIā€™m not sure,ā€ I replied. ā€œDo you?ā€ 

ā€œJealousy is a natural, human emotion,ā€ she said. ā€œItā€™s what you do with it that matters.ā€ 

So, maybe my goal is not to suppress my jealousy but rather be upfront about it. If itā€™s part of me, I should own it, then ideally find someone who loves me regardless.  

Changing your mind is OK, too

In gay man speak, I was a top for my first seven years before I embraced bottoming. For some, theyā€™d be shocked to hear it. Yet maybe no one should be surprised, for as we all know sexuality is fluid, and this applies to more than just your orientation. Your sexual preferences can shift over time, too, and this will inevitably affect your relationships. 

This was the case for Scott and their partner. ā€œWhen we first started dating, we did not want to be open,ā€ they mentioned, ā€œbut as our relationship grew, we decided to reevaluate that.ā€ Meanwhile, Kelsey went the opposite direction ā€“ she was open back in the day but chooses to be closed now. 

Even Chad remains open to being open. ā€œIā€™m not opposed to an open relationship, but I feel like it would take more work. I just donā€™t see myself starting a relationship open. The first few years there is a lot of learning about each other.ā€ 

In a world of shifting preferences, the best we can do is reflect on what we want and be honest about it. Life is a process of discovering who we are, and damn is it messy. So, perhaps I should cut some slack to the couple trying things out. And perhaps they can cut me slack for not understanding their rules. 

For the couples: remember, a solid relationship is not only about meeting the needs of your partner, because your needs matter, too. The best relationships, open or closed, strive to find that balance. 

For those still searching: remember that love is more than just that thing, that connection, that spark. In fact, love is so complex that the ā€œsparkā€ is just one of many factors, alongside timing and how you want to be loved, that come together and form an imprint as unique and special as the person you want to be with.

In this sense, open and closed relationships arenā€™t diametrically opposed but rather complimentary, a sort of yin and yang where both become better because the other option exists. Today, we have options as couples, and thatā€™s significantly better than abiding by rules because we assume thatā€™s how it must be.

And that feels right. Because regardless of whether youā€™re more a Chad or a Scott, the truth is: I feel lucky to have both.  

(Writerā€™s note: A big thank you you to Chad, Scott, and Kelsey for allowing me to share their stories.)

Jake Stewart is a D.C.-based writer and barback.

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