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LGBT leaders mourn death of Frank Kameny

Longtime activist coined term ‘gay is good’

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Frank Kameny

Frank Kameny, May 21, 1925 ā€“ October 11, 2011. (Washington Blade file photo by Michael Key)

Several LGBT rights organizations have released statements following the announcement of Frank Kameny’s passing. Many of these groups continue the work that Frank began when he fought back against his termination in 1957 from the Army Map Service. Frank will always be remembered for coining the term “Gay is good” in the 1960s through his work with the Mattachine Society.

Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund:

Frank Kameny, one of the most significant figures in the modern LGBT civil rights movement, has died, according to a report in the Washington Blade tonight.

In 1961 Kameny founded the Mattachine Society of Washington ā€“ one of the earliest LGBT rights organizations in the U.S. ā€“ pre-dating the Stonewall riots by nearly a decade. Kamenyā€™s activism sprang from his termination from a federal government position because of his sexual orientation. He received an official apology from the federal government after President Barack Obama took office in 2009.

Gay & Lesbian Victory Fund President and CEO Chuck Wolfe issued the following statement tonight:

ā€œWe mourn the loss of a hero and a founding father of the fight to end discrimination against LGBT people. Dr. Kameny stood up for this community when doing so was considered unthinkable and even shocking, and he continued to do so throughout his life. He spoke with a clear voice and firm conviction about the humanity and dignity of people who were gay, long before it was safe for him to do so. All of us who today endeavor to complete the work he began a half century ago are indebted to Dr. Kameny and his remarkable bravery and commitment.ā€

Human Rights Campaign:

Upon the news that LGBT equality pioneer Frank Kameny has died, Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese issued the following statement:

ā€œFrank Kameny led an extraordinary life marked by heroic activism that set a path for the modern LGBT civil rights movement. From his early days fighting institutionalized discrimination in the federal workforce, Dr. Kameny taught us all that ‘Gay is Good.’ As we say goodbye to this trailblazer on National Coming Out Day, we remember the remarkable power we all have to change the world by living our lives like Frank — openly, honestly and authentically.ā€

The Human Rights Campaign is Americaā€™s largest civil rights organization working to achieve lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality. By inspiring and engaging all Americans, HRC strives to end discrimination against LGBT citizens and realize a nation that achieves fundamental fairness and equality for all.

Diego Sanchez, Senior Legislative Advisor to Rep. Barney Frank:

For Frank Kameny to die on National Coming Out Day, Oct. 11, 2011, feels to me like my Dad dying on Veterans Day, Nov. 11, 2000 — when a career-long, victorious warrior went to God on a day that best represents his contribution to our country and American lives everywhere; the day will always represent both the symbol and the man, with honor and hope.

Federal GLOBE: Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Employees of the Federal Government:

An American Hero has passed away.

Frank Kameny died today at 86. Frank served his country his whole life. In the military, in government service, and in making the country a more perfect union when the government he fought for and toiled for fired him. Frank was fired just for being gay. He had done nothing untoward, not been a threat. Rather he was working on important technology which his removal from government service delayed for decades.

But Frank did not get bitter. He did what Americanā€™s have done since our foundingā€”he righted the wrong. It did not come quickly or easily. Frank fought his dismissal all of the way to the Supreme Court. Frank fought the Civil Service Commission. Frank fought for the rights of every American to lead a good life. Frank was a leader for the LGBT movement when leaders were hard to find and paid dearly. Frank paid dearly.

Frank was the reason for Federal GLOBE to get started. Frank was our inspiration and was our father. He was our mother. He was our fairy/angel/mentor/pathblazer/blinding light. Frank was our inspiration. His meticulous research and articulation paved the way for LGBT civil rights advancements over the last 25 years.

Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation:

New York, NY ā€” The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) today issued the following statement following news that LGBT advocacy pioneer Frank Kameny died in his Washington, D.C. home:

“Frank Kameny sparked national change and set the example for gay and lesbian Americans to live their lives openly and proudly,” said Mike Thompson, Acting President of GLAAD. “He taught us the power that our visibility and stories have in changing hearts and minds. Today on National Coming Out Day, we honor Frank’s legacy not only by remembering this pioneer, but by continuing his work to speak out and share our own stories.”

Frank Kameny is recognized as one of the pioneers of the modern LGBT advocacy movement. After being dismissed from the U.S. Civil Service Commission for being gay, he argued the first civil rights claim based on sexual orientation before the United States Supreme Court in 1961. Together with Jack Nichols, he co-founded the Mattachine Society of Washington and launched the first public demonstrations by gay and lesbian Americans at the White House in 1965. Kameny was appointed as the first openly gay member of D.C.ā€™s Human Rights Commission and was a U.S. Army veteran of World War II.

In 2007, the Smithsonian Institutionā€™s National Museum of American History included his picket signs from the White House demonstration. Papers documenting his life were added to the Library of Congress in 2006. In 2009, Kameny received the Theodore Roosevelt Award.

National Center for Lesbian Rights:

San Francisco, CA ā€” One of the most prominent leaders of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender equality movementā€”Dr. Frank Kamenyā€”passed away at his Washington D.C.-area home today. He was 86.

In 1957, Kameny was dismissed from his position as an astronomer in the Army Map Service because he was gay, motivating him at the time to become a leading voice in the movement for equality and justice. He protested his firing and appealed his case to the U.S. Supreme Court, becoming the first known gay person to file a gay-related case before the high court.

Although the court denied his petition, the decision prompted Kameny to devote much of his life to LGBT advocacy.

Statement by NCLR Executive Director Kate Kendell, Esq.:

ā€œFrank Kameny is among a small group of brave and uncompromising men and women without whom the modern civil rights movement for LGBT equality would have faltered. At a time when most lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals lived deeply shadowed and closeted lives, he stepped into the bright glare of public scrutiny and hostility and demanded respect and cultural evolution. It is fitting that his passing would happen on Coming Out Day. Were it not for his coming out, many of us would still be living a lie.ā€

American Foundation for Equal Rights:

ā€œOut and Proud, Kameny Was Fighting For Equality Long Before the Rest Of Us Knew We Couldā€

Los Angeles, CA ā€“ Today, America lost a legendary civil rights pioneer. The staff and board of directors at the American Foundation for Equal Rights extend heartfelt condolences to the friends and family of LGBT rights pioneer Franklin E. Kameny, who died of natural causes in his home today at the age of 86.

His passing comes less than a month before the planned celebration of the 50th anniversary of Kamenyā€™s founding of the Mattachine Society of Washington, the first gay rights organization in the nationā€™s capital.

President of AFERā€™s board of directors, Chad Griffin, released the following statement about Mr. Kameny and the long legacy of hope and optimism he leaves behind, “America has lost a hero today. Out and proud, Frank Kameny was fighting for equality long before the rest of us knew we could.” He added, “Because there was one Frank Kameny, trailblazing and honest enough to speak out 50 years ago, there are now millions of Americans, coming out, speaking out and fighting for their basic civil rights. His is a legacy of bravery and tremendous impact and will live on in the hearts and minds of every American who values equality and justice.”

In the landmark ruling striking down Proposition 8, the U.S. District Court referenced the efforts of Frank Kameny and the Mattachine Society to chronicle the long and shameful history of state-enforced discrimination against gay and lesbian Americans. In particular, the Court cited the famous 1966 letter from the chairman of the U.S. Civil Service Commission rejecting the Mattachine Societyā€™s request to rescind the policy banning “active homosexuals” from federal employment.

To read the letter cited by the U.S. District Court, visit: https://ecf.cand.uscourts.gov/cand/09cv2292/evidence/PX2566.pdf

National Gay and Lesbian Task Force:

WASHINGTON ā€” The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force mourns the death of Frank Kameny, 86, a pioneering and legendary gay activist and founding board member of the Task Force. Kameny ā€” known for coining the phrase ā€œGay is Goodā€ ā€” received a ā€œLifetime Achievement Awardā€ from the Task Force in 2006 for his decades of courageous activism on the front lines of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) liberation movement.
Statement by Rea Carey, Executive Director
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

ā€œThe death of Frank Kameny is a profound loss and he will be greatly missed. No Washington LGBT event or White House meeting was complete without Frank. I always appreciated that he gave the 50-plus-year perspective, the long view. While so many have been impatient about the pace of progress, there was Frank, insisting we recognize that, in the last two years, he was regularly invited as a guest of honor by the very government that fired him simply for being gay. Yet, he never slowed down in demanding what should be, showing us what was possible and pushing for the very equality and liberation we are still fighting for. As the history books are written on the LGBT movement, no doubt Frank’s life will serve as an inspiration to those who will never have the honor of meeting him, but who embody the very future he knew would come true one day. Indeed, Frank, Gay is Good.ā€
Statement by Sue Hyde, Director, National Gay and Lesbian Task Forceā€™s National Conference on LGBT Equality: Creating Change

ā€œFrank Kameny’s life spanned the baddest old days of the McCarthy-style witch hunts to the elations of winning marriage equality in the District of Columbia and beyond. In 1957, Frank lost his job, but he never lost his fierce fighting spirit, his blunt and witty command of language, or his commitment to eradicating homophobia. Frank was equally confident and strategic on the streets in front of the White House in 1965 as he was attending a White House meeting in 1977 at which he and a dozen other members of our community briefed then-Public Liaison Midge Costanza on much-needed changes in federal laws and policies. As the LGBT movement began to win in legislatures, courtrooms, and in public opinion, Frank’s papers, artifacts and memories gained value. Frank Kameny wasn’t only a keeper of our history, Frank created our history. His life and legacy carry us into our future.ā€

Servicemembers Legal Defense Network:

(Washington, D.C.) Army Veteran and Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN) Executive Director Aubrey Sarvis released the following statement regarding the death of legendary LGBT rights advocate, Frank Kameny:

ā€œOur nation and our movement have lost a tireless advocate for LGBT rights. Frank Kamenyā€™s long and hard work laid the foundation for much of the progress we see today, and certainly none more so than the repeal of ā€˜Donā€™t Ask, Donā€™t Tell.ā€™ It was his great wish to see that law relegated to the history books, and we are so proud that he was able to see that day and be a key part of that shared victory. At SLDN, we mourn the loss of our friend and ally, and we rejoice that Frank could join SLDN for special events and provide us with encouragement and wise counsel at critical stages as we followed in his footsteps and lifted posters to lobby Congress, the White House and the Pentagon for recognition and our equality.ā€

Official Statement of the LGBT Congressional Staff Association:

Washington, DC ā€“ Frank Kameny, one of the LGBT communityā€™s most prominent leaders has died at age 86. While saddened by his death, the LGBT Congressional Staff Association remains inspired by his life. The passing of Frank Kameny today, October 11th, 2011, National Coming Out Day is a tribute to his legacy and epitomizes the trailblazing spirit of a man brave enough to speak out for civil rights before many knew they could. Frank Kamenyā€™s legacy will live on in the hearts and minds of all he touched personally and in the achievement of progress years down the road ā€“ for a fight inspired by a profound appreciation for heroes who were and how even in death are able to advance the fight for equality by inspiring the heroes to be.

Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi:

Washington, D.C. ā€“ Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi released the following statement today on the passing of Frank Kameny, one of the nation’s most prominent leaders in the fight for LGBT equality and equal rights:

ā€œFrank Kameny’s life is the story of service to his country, to the cause of equality, to the fundamental American ideals of fairness and civil rights. He turned his personal story of discrimination into action, his encounter with prejudice into determination. Through his work, he became a revered figure in the national LGBT movement; through his achievements, America became a more equal, more compassionate nation.

ā€œToday, we see the products of Frank Kameny’s activism, advocacy, and accomplishment in greater progress for millions of LGBT Americans. He was the father of our efforts for equality in Washington, DC, and he lived to see the day when LGBT residents of our nation’s capital could marry and start families with those they love.

ā€œMore than half-a-century after losing his job with the U.S. Army map service because he was gay, Kameny ā€“ a World War II veteran ā€“ was there to watch ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ take its place in the dustbin of history, a moment, he said, ‘I didn’t think I’d live to see.’

ā€œFrank Kameny’s lifelong struggle for equality is a tribute to the best of American values. We are all better off for his work and his service. And we hope it is a comfort to his family, his friends, and all who loved and admired him that so many mourn his loss today.ā€

Office of Personnel Management Director John Berry:

Dr. Frank Kameny was an American hero who transformed our nation’s lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community (LGBT). His courage, his brilliance, his force of will led to victory in a decades-long fight for equality. He helped make it possible for countless of patriotic Americans to hold security clearances and high government positions, including me. And in so doing, he showed everyone what was possible for every employer in our country.

He was known for being feisty and combative, but he was also big-hearted. He honored me personally by attending my swearing-in, and showed his ability to forgive by accepting my official apology on behalf of the government for the sad and discredited termination of his federal employment by the U.S. Civil Service Commission, the predecessor of the agency I now head. We presented and he accepted OPM’s highest honor, the Theodore Roosevelt Award, given to those who are courageous in defense of our nation’s Merit Principles.

I am grateful for his life, his service to his nation in WWII, and his passion and persistence in helping build a more perfect union. He was a great man, and I will sorely miss him.

Equality Forum:

ā€œThe LGBT civil rights movement stands on the shoulders of Frank Kameny,ā€ stated Malcolm Lazin, Executive Director, Equality Forum and Executive Producer of Gay Pioneers. ā€œFrank Kameny is the father of the LGBT civil rights movement.ā€

Kameny spearheaded the first organized gay and lesbian demonstrations of activists at Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell each July 4th from 1965 to 1969. The first of the ā€œAnnual Remindersā€ was attended by 40 activists from Washington, New York and Philadelphia. At that time it was the largest gathering for gay rights. It was the first time that demonstrators self-identified as gay and lesbian and openly and proudly demanded equality. The Annual Reminders laid the groundwork for the Stonewall Riots.

Gay Pioneers is a documentary produced by WHYY/PBS and Equality Forum about the Annual Reminders and the start of the LGBT civil rights movement. There is a Historic Marker directly across from Independence Hall and Liberty Bell recognizing the site where the gay and lesbian civil rights movement was launched with Annual Reminders organized by Frank Kameny, Barbara Gittings and other Gay Pioneers.

ā€œWhen the Annual Reminders took place, gays and lesbians were denied employment by the federal government. Frank Kameny was single-handedly responsible through remarkable intensity and perseverance in having the United States Civil Service Commission end the prohibition of gays and lesbians from government service,ā€ Lazin stated.

ā€œThe American Psychiatric Association included homosexuality as a mental disorder. Frank Kameny and Barbara Gittings successfully demonstrated at the 1971 annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association. At the 1972 annual meeting, Kameny and Gittings presented a program with Dr. No, a gay psychiatrist, who was disguised to avoid recognition. With Dr. No, they explained why pervasive homophobia was the cause of emotional problems, not being gay. A committee was formed to study the issue. On December 15, 1973, homosexuality was removed as a mental illness,ā€ said Lazin.

ā€œI traveled across the nation with Frank Kameny at screenings of Gay Pioneers and at other events,ā€ said Lazin. ā€œFrank had a Ph.D. from Harvard, a computer-like mind and even into his 80ā€™s was a feisty, lovable and committed activist for human rights. American history will remember Frank Kameny as an iconic civil rights leader.ā€

National Stonewall Democrats Executive Director, Michael Mitchel:

Last night, we lost a hero and a champion for LGBT rights. Dr. Frank Kameny was a courageous and undeniable force in our movement. In 1957, he was fired from his US Government job for being gay. The peaceful demonstrations he spearheaded predated the Stonewall Riots by several years, and no doubt opened a door to wider acceptance that allowed the fateful nights of 1969 to grab hold. He lived his life as an example of what it is to be tenacious and fearless.

In 2009, John Berry, on behalf of the US Government, apologized to Dr. Kameny for his firing and awarded him the Office of Personell Management’s highest honor for his service. National Stonewall Democrats honored him as one of our Capital Champions as well — In 2010 — on the day before his 85th birthday. His body was frail, but his voice was powerful as he contextualized how far we’ve come as a movement in his lifetime.

I am saddened beyond words at the loss of this courageous pioneer. He holds a very special place in our hearts not only as a long-time activist, but also as a co-founder of the Gertrude Stein Democratic Club, which is a member of the Stonewall Democrats family. Frank Kameny’s legacy lives on in the hearts of the many and diverse activists who continue in our collective fight for equality every day. He is already missed, but I am grateful for the time he spent with us.

Blade Features Editor, Joey DiGuglielmo remembers his time in Washington with Kameny.

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Real Estate

D.C.ā€™s canvases of artistic expression

Murals offer a unique way to experience the city through art

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The Black Lives Matter mural on 16th Street, N.W., became a symbol of the global movement for racial justice. (Washington Blade file photo by Michael Key)

If you are looking for art for your home or to just explore your creative side, Art All Night is a wonderful event to explore. It is one of D.C.’s most vibrant and inclusive cultural celebrations of the city’s rich artistic community. Held annually in multiple neighborhoods, this free, overnight festival transforms the city into a massive gallery of visual art, live performances, and interactive experiences.

From photography to dance and music to murals, Art All Night highlights the diverse talents of D.C.’s artists, offering residents and visitors a unique opportunity to engage with art in unconventional spaces. This year, it takes place from dusk until dawn on Sept. 27-28, allowing participants to explore the cityā€™s creative energy in a festive atmosphere.

Art All Night plays a significant role in fostering community connections and revitalizing public spaces. The festival often takes place in unexpected locations, such as vacant lots, alleyways, and storefronts, transforming these areas into lively cultural hubs. It is well worth driving into the city for this event.

Among the many forms of artistic expression found in the nation’s capital, wall murals on buildings stand out as a dynamic and powerful medium. While you canā€™t hang them on the wall in your living room, these large-scale artworks transform public spaces into open-air galleries, each mural telling a story that reflects the city’s diverse population and its history. 

The city’s mural scene gained prominence in the late 20th century. Murals became a way for artists to express political messages, celebrate cultural identities, and address social issues. This tradition continues today, with murals serving as both a reflection of the cityā€™s past and a commentary on its present.

One of the most famous murals in the city is the “Duke Ellington” mural, located in the U Street Corridor. Painted by G. Byron Peck in 1997, this mural pays homage to the legendary jazz musician Duke Ellington, who was born and raised in D.C. The mural is not just a tribute to Ellington’s musical genius; it also serves as a reminder of the U Street Corridor’s history as a cultural hub for African Americans during the early 20th century, often referred to as “Black Broadway.” 

Within different neighborhoods, you can see murals that celebrate the city’s African American, Latino, and immigrant communities. For example, in Columbia Heights, the “Un Pueblo Sin Murales Es Un Pueblo Desmuralizado” (A People Without Murals is a Demuralized People), a play on words between demoralized and demuralized, stands as a vibrant celebration of Latino culture. Created by a group of artists led by Carlos Salazar and Alfredo Ratinoff, this mural is a colorful depiction of Latin American history, culture, and struggles. It is not just a piece of art, but a statement of identity for the Latino community in D.C.

Similarly, the “Ben’s Chili Bowl” mural on U Street celebrates African-American culture and history. This iconic mural features portraits of notable African-American figures, including Barack and Michelle Obama, Prince, and Harriet Tubman. 

You may enjoy a 2.5-hour walking tour of 25 local murals. Book online and check times at www.dcmuraltour.com. Your guide will meet you in front of the CitizenM NoMa Hotel Thursdays through Saturdays. You can also schedule a private tour with a five-person minimum.

The “Black Lives Matter” mural on 16th Street, N.W., near the White House, became a symbol of the global movement for racial justice. Painted in bold yellow letters, this mural was commissioned by D.C.ā€™s mayor in 2020 amid protests against police brutality and systemic racism. The creation of this mural is both a declaration and a demand for justice, making a powerful statement in a city that is at the center of national politics.

The “LOVE” mural in the H Street Corridor is a collaborative effort involving local artists and residents. The mural, which spells out the word “LOVE” in large, colorful letters, is a symbol of unity and inclusivity. It serves as a reminder of the power of love and community in a rapidly changing city. 

Murals on buildings in D.C. are more than just decorative art; they are powerful expressions of culture, history, and social consciousness. Each mural tells a story that is deeply connected to the community it represents, making the cityā€™s streets vibrant canvases of expression. 

So, as you walk through D.C., let these murals invite you to explore the city’s diverse neighborhoods, learn about its history, and engage in conversations about its future. Whether you are a resident or a visitor, the murals of D.C. offer a unique, creative, and enriching way to experience the nation’s capital through art.

Valerie M. Blake is a licensed Associate Broker in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia with RLAH Real Estate / @properties. Call or text her at 202-246-8602, email her via DCHomeQuest.com, or follow her on Facebook at TheRealst8ofAffairs.Ā 

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Real Estate

Sustainability and smart home technology

The future of modern living is now

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Sustainable homes often feature solar panels.

In the rapidly evolving world of real estate, two major trends are converging to shape the homes of the future: sustainability and smart home technology. As more people become aware of the environmental impact of their choices, and as technology continues to advance at a breakneck pace, these two trends are increasingly influencing buying decisions in the residential real estate market. For those looking to buy or sell a home, particularly within the LGBTQ community, understanding these trends is essential. At GayRealEstate.com, we recognize the importance of these developments and how they contribute to a better, more sustainable future for all.

Demand for Sustainable Living

Sustainability is no longer just a buzzword ā€” itā€™s a key factor in the decision-making process for many homebuyers. The modern consumer is increasingly conscious of their carbon footprint and is seeking homes that align with their values. Sustainable homes, also known as green homes, are designed to be energy-efficient and environmentally friendly. They often feature solar panels, energy-efficient windows, and advanced insulation systems, all of which contribute to reducing the homeā€™s overall energy consumption.

One of the primary benefits of sustainable homes is the long-term cost savings they offer. By utilizing renewable energy sources like solar power, homeowners can significantly reduce their utility bills. Additionally, many governments and municipalities offer tax incentives and rebates for homes that incorporate green technology, making the initial investment in sustainability more financially viable.

The Rise of Smart Home Technology

Simultaneously, smart home technology is becoming a must-have feature in modern homes. What was once considered a luxury is now becoming a standard expectation for many buyers. Smart homes are equipped with devices and systems that can be controlled remotely via smartphones, tablets, or voice-activated assistants like Amazon Alexa or Google Home. These technologies include smart thermostats, security systems, lighting, and even kitchen appliances, all designed to make life more convenient, efficient, and secure.

Smart home technology is particularly appealing for its ability to optimize energy use. For example, a smart thermostat can learn a homeownerā€™s schedule and automatically adjust the temperature to reduce energy consumption when the house is empty. Similarly, smart lighting systems can be programmed to turn off when not in use or to dim based on the time of day or natural light levels, further contributing to energy savings.

Intersection of Sustainability, Smart Technology

The most forward-thinking homes are those that successfully integrate sustainability with smart home technology. This intersection is where the real innovation in real estate is happening. Homes that combine these elements offer not only reduced environmental impact but also enhanced living experiences.

Imagine a home where solar panels are not just installed but are also connected to a smart grid that optimizes energy use based on real-time data. Or consider a home with a rainwater collection system that works in tandem with smart irrigation to water the garden efficiently and sustainably. These are not just futuristic ideas ā€” they are already being implemented in new developments across the country.

In fact, this integration is becoming a key selling point in competitive real estate markets. Buyers are increasingly looking for homes that offer both energy efficiency and the convenience of modern technology. For sellers, this means that investing in these features can significantly increase the value of their property and make it more attractive to potential buyers.

Impact on Property Values

As sustainability and smart technology become more ingrained in the real estate market, their impact on property values is becoming increasingly evident. Homes equipped with these features are often valued higher than comparable properties without them. Buyers are willing to pay a premium for homes that offer lower energy bills, reduced environmental impact, and the latest in home technology.

For LGBTQ real estate buyers and sellers, particularly those who value innovation and environmental responsibility, these trends represent an exciting opportunity. By focusing on sustainability and smart home technology, you can find or create a home that not only meets your needs but also contributes to a better, greener future.

(At GayRealEstate.com, we are committed to helping our clients navigate these emerging trends. Whether you are looking to buy, sell, or simply explore the possibilities, our network of knowledgeable and LGBTQ-friendly real estate professionals is here to guide you every step of the way. Together, we can make sustainable, smart living a reality for everyone.)

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at 303-378-5526 or [email protected].

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Advice

My boyfriend has gained 50 pounds and wonā€™t change

Should I stay with someone who refuses to get off of the couch?

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A partnerā€™s weight gain could be due to undiagnosed depression.

Dear Michael,Ā 

My boyfriend of five years has been steadily putting on weight and now I would say he is about 50 pounds heavier than when we met, which was the summer of 2019.

First he blamed the weight gain on COVID. Like most people we were stuck at home, anxious, and overindulging in comfort food; and the gym wasnā€™t an option. So I didnā€™t say anything and figured things would return to ā€œnormalā€ once we got through the pandemic.

I will say, though, that I managed to not gain much weight during that time because I found ways to exercise. He didnā€™t want to join me and I didnā€™t push.

Although weā€™re long past COVID, Tim hasnā€™t changed his ways. He never went back to the gym and continues to eat whatever he wants. Iā€™d say his main hobby is sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food.

To make matters worse, his sister recently told me that historically Tim has been a heavy guy. Heā€™d never bothered to share this with me, so I had no idea.

Evidently I met him on the tail-end of an intense push to get in shape. So he looked really good at the time, but that was temporary.

When I confronted him about this, he was mad at his sister for telling me and said I had no right to talk about him behind his back. Well, I didnā€™t ask herā€”she just brought it up, and was surprised that I was surprised.

Tim is annoyed that I keep voicing my unhappiness about his being out of shape. He says he is the same sweet and loving person I fell in love with and Iā€™m shallow to be so upset by surface appearances.

I told him he was trying to gaslight me: If he feels that love should have nothing to do with how you look, then why did he go to all the trouble to lose weight and get in shape before we met? I feel like he did it to get a boyfriend and then thought he could just go back to being fat once he was in a relationship.

So now heā€™s mad at me for saying heā€™s basically a devious schemer. I didnā€™t use those words but itā€™s true I donā€™t trust him and feel taken advantage of.

Besides the weight, itā€™s not attractive to see him just basically lie around all the time and not take care of his body.

I asked if heā€™d consider some drug like Ozempic and he got really angry and said Iā€™m awful to suggest something that might have all sorts of side effects just so that I will be happier with his looks.

The upshot is, I feel stuck with a guy who turns me off and doesnā€™t want to do anything about it and tells me Iā€™m shallow for not being in love with him no matter what he looks like.

My friends tell me to dump him, but does he have a point?

Michael replies:

You get to decide whom you want to date. You are very far from alone in wanting an energetic and physically attractive partner.

Itā€™s true that no one stays gorgeous, and has an amazing body, forever. We all have to accept the changes that time brings to our partners and to ourselves. But that is different from accepting a partner who isnā€™t making any effort to take care of himself. 

Aside from the lack of self-care, Timā€™s refusal to share significant details about his life, or his thoughts and motives around big issues, is both a trust-destroyer and a huge roadblock to your having a close or intimate relationship. And the way that Tim blows off your questions, and attacks you for being curious or confused, is a recipe for distance and resentment. It is also unkind.

Now letā€™s look at your part in this. Iā€™m curious about what has been keeping you in this relationship. You havenā€™t said anything about what you like (or love) about Tim. All I know is that he describes himself as sweet and loving.

Maybe he has some wonderful qualities you havenā€™t mentioned. Or maybe itā€™s hard for you to stand up for yourself? To let someone down? To have a boundary when itā€™s important? 

My biggest questions: Do you have a history of picking partners who underperform in some major ways? Or is the first time youā€™ve found yourself constantly disappointed by your partner, and constantly pushing him to do better?

Somehow youā€™ve created a life where you are hitting your head against a brick wall, getting nowhere, continuing to do it, and complaining about the pain. Timā€™s made clear that he doesnā€™t want to do anything different, and yet you continue to push him to change. Your behavior might be leading him to dig in. In any case, itā€™s leaving you miserable.

In any relationship, you can certainly ask for what you would like from your partner. But you have to let go of the result. And if the answer is ā€œno,ā€ you can either accept it, or drive the two of you crazy.  

If you do care about this relationship, and Tim, and yourself, you could propose to Tim that the two of you meet with a couples therapist. Perhaps this would help Tim to open up and to get a grip on his behaviors. It might also help you to understand why you might be keeping yourself stuck in a miserable position, so that you can raise your level of functioning in this relationship. 

One more important thought: Timā€™s lack of self-care and energy make me think that he is depressed. I wonder if Timā€”before you met him, at leastā€”was one of the many gay men who feel intense pressure to have a certain kind of body. It isnā€™t always easy, or even possible, to sustain this kind of appearance. And I wonder if he may be ashamed of where he is, which might be one big reason for his defensiveness.  

Again, couples therapyā€”or individual therapyā€”might help him address whatever is keeping him down.  But Tim would have to be willing to go. You can make the suggestion, but you cannot force him to change.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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