Living
The Maryland originals
Couples from the 2004 lawsuit rejoice at state’s marriage passing
Dave Kolesar, left, and his partner, Patrick Wojahn, in Annapolis for last week's Maryland marriage bill signing. (Blade photo by Michael Key)
There’s no questioning Charles Blackburn’s love for partner Glen Dehn: He met the now-retired government worker at a party, moved in immediately and is still with him 33 years later.
Yet the pair has never walked down the aisle — not because the men didn’t want to, but because the state of Maryland said they couldn’t.
“We could never understand how a committed relationship of two gays or two lesbians could possibly hurt a heterosexual marriage and we haven’t been told yet,” says Blackburn, who, urged by a friend, signed the couple up to join a 2004 lawsuit for same-sex marriage in Maryland.
Years later, the Blackburn-Dehn couple is among 19 original plaintiffs rejoicing in the wake of a newly signed measure legalizing gay marriages in Maryland. Gov. Martin O’Malley signed the bill into law on March 1; Maryland joins D.C. and six states in legalizing gay marriages. The Civil Marriage Protection Act is scheduled to take effect in January, though a voter referendum in November could kill the measure before then.
For now, the signing brings to a close a fight that’s meandered from the failed lawsuit, to legislative hearings and finally, to the governor’s desk.
As the fight for marriage has twisted and turned, so too have the lives of those original couples — through family changes, relationship endings and new beginnings.
Yet through it all, several of the original plaintiffs tell The Blade they’re glad to have played a role in securing the rights of same-sex couples and families in Maryland and beyond.
“Whatever obstacles you face, you want to make it better for yourself but you also want to leave a path that’s a little bit better for the people who come behind you,” says Gita Deane, who joined the suit with partner Lisa Polyak. “I don’t for a minute think that we shouldn’t have done it.”
‘We had to do it’
Polyak and Deane were living the life of the average family with two young daughters when a turn at the microphone during a town hall near their Baltimore home changed everything.
“(We) just spoke about the difficulties of our lives being parents and about things we wanted to do for our kids that we couldn’t,” says Polyak, who later got a call from the American Civil Liberties Union.
The civil liberties group was looking for couples to join a lawsuit to be filed in Baltimore with the cooperation of Equality Maryland. The groups would charge that a state law denying same-sex couples the right to marry violated the Maryland Constitution.
Joining the case could mean helping pave the way for their family and similar families to enjoy the financial and emotional benefits of legal marriage. But it could also mean harassment.
“I had a great many worries about how this would impact my children,” Deane says. “When we had time to talk to the lawyer ACLU my first question was, ‘Is anybody going to send us hate mail or put up signs on our front yard?'”
Farther south in Riverdale, Md., Mikkole Mozelle was also apprehensive when her then partner Lisa Kebreau mentioned getting involved in the case she’d heard about through an email — but for different reasons.
“I guess I always thought something like this was extraordinary people fighting extraordinary struggles and we were just your everyday, average couple. It caught me off guard, but in a good way,” says Mozelle, a black woman who eventually embraced the idea of changing the largely white face of the gay marriage push.
The planned lawsuit would be one in a string filed by the ACLU, its partners and affiliates on behalf of same-sex couples seeking marriage equality in New York, Oregon, California and the state of Washington.
ACLU attorneys would eventually file suit in state court in Baltimore in July 2004 on behalf of nine couples and a widowed man. Among them were Kebreau and Mozelle, Polyak and Deane.
“It would never have been my choice to be public about my life,” Deane says. “(But) we had to do it because we had children and we have a responsibility to our children to make sure we’re able to take care of them.”
A matter of families and finance
From the beginning, the plaintiffs have argued the marriage question had less to do with certificates and ceremonies and more to do with tax breaks, health insurance and the other practical benefits that rise in importance as families grow and couples mature.
Dave Kolesar was just 18 years old when an infection led to brain surgery and a dim prognosis. Now 34, he’s in great condition, but worries along with his partner Patrick Wojahn about after effects.
They joined the case a year after Wojahn had proposed to Kolesar.
“In case something else were to happen to him, we wanted to be assured that I would be able to take care of him,” Wojahn says.
For plaintiff John Lestitian, that “what if” scenario became a reality in 2003, when his partner of more than a decade died suddenly. A subsequent battle over the home they shared and his final resting place encouraged him to join the suit.
“I’d gone through a situation of a contested will and dealing with the aftermath of the death,” he says. “My personal experience made me all the more willing to step forward.”
Yet for other plaintiffs, the choice to make their private lives personal stemmed in part from financial concerns. For instance, Charles Blackburn is blocked from sharing his partner’s federal health benefits, which he estimates could save the couple several thousand dollars each year.
Polyak and Deane estimate they’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars yearly on separate health insurance policies and the adoptions of each other’s biological children.
Despite the money spent, the couples remain financially at risk.
“We’ve done as much as we can through wills and legal things,” Deane says. “But we can only cover about eight of the 1,000 benefits that come with marriage on our own.”
Reaching the victory lap
On March 1, Patrick Wojahn and Dave Kolesar joined dozens of same-sex couples, gay lawmakers and advocates who stood behind O’Malley as he signed the historic bill in Annapolis.
“It was just electrifying,” Wojahn says. “There was so much excitement in the air.”
The bill-signing ceremony came just one week after the Maryland Senate voted 25 to 22 to approve the measure, and nearly five years after the Maryland Court of Appeals voted 4 to 3 to uphold state law barring same-sex marriage, ending the ACLU’s suit.
The ACLU and Equality Maryland immediately took the push to the General Assembly, and the plaintiffs largely went back to their normal lives.
Wojahn and Kolesar married in D.C last year, as did Polyak and Deane, who said they tired of waiting on legislators.
Lestitian found a new love and also married in D.C. in 2010, while Mozelle and partner Kebreau split in early 2009.
Still, Mozelle says she believes her partner is as pleasantly surprised as she is that the legislation went through.
“I feared that it wouldn’t,” she says, “but I prayed that it would.”
Some of the couples, like Wojahn and Kolesar, plan to re-marry in Maryland to ensure all of their rights.
For Blackburn and Dehn, both in their 70s, the ceremony they hope to have if the law holds would be their first.
But marriage or not, after 33 years, they know where they stand.
“I moved in a month after we met,” Blackburn says. “We just knew we had found something special in each other and it remained that way.”
Real Estate
Under-the-radar Delaware beach towns smart buyers are targeting
There are other options if Rehoboth prices are scaring you off
Look, we love Rehoboth. We will always love Rehoboth. Queer folks have been flocking there since the 1940s, and with scores of LGBTQ-owned businesses and a Pride calendar packed tighter than the boardwalk in July, “Rehomo” earned its crown fair and square.
But let’s be honest with each other: trying to buy property there right now feels a lot like trying to get a reservation at the one good restaurant in town on a Saturday in August. Everyone wants in, inventory is tighter than your swim trunks after Labor Day brunch, and the prices have officially entered “are you kidding me” territory.
So here’s a thought: What if you didn’t fight the crowd? What if, instead, you let Rehoboth keep doing its glorious, chaotic, glitter-bomb thing and you quietly built your beach life 15 minutes away for considerably less drama and considerably more square footage? Here are four towns ready for their close-up.
Lewes: The Charming Overachiever
Lewes is what happens when a beach town actually has its life together. Historic charm, walkability, proximity to Cape Henlopen State Park, less crowding, and a strong year-round community. Unlike towns that turn into ghost towns after Labor Day, Lewes maintains a real community all year long, which is more than we can say for some situationships.
And right now, the market is practically begging you to make a move. It’s one of the most desirable and stable markets in the county — built for buyers thinking long-term, not flippers, and Sussex County overall has flipped into genuine buyer’s market territory for the first time in years. Translation: you finally get to be the one with leverage.
Bethany Beach: My Personal Pick
Full disclosure: I own in Bethany. So consider this section a little biased — and also the most honest thing I’ll tell you in this whole article.
When I drive down from D.C., I’m not looking for more of D.C. I love this city, but I also love leaving it — and yes, some of the people in it too (you know who you are, and so do I). Bethany gives me that full exhale. It’s quiet in the way that actually means something: fewer crowds, slower mornings, a soundtrack that’s mostly waves instead of nightlife. It leans hard into its “quiet resort” reputation, with low property taxes and a limited geographic footprint, and it is not the least bit sorry about it.
But quiet doesn’t mean isolated. I’ve got a genuinely excellent food scene nearby, real shopping, and a string of charming neighboring beach towns — and when I do want a taste of Rehoboth’s energy, it’s a short, easy drive away. I get to choose my dose of chaos instead of living inside it.
And here’s the part that matters most for this article: the price. If you’ve looked at Rehoboth listings and quietly closed the tab in despair, I need you to hear this — you can absolutely afford a beach house. It just doesn’t have to be in Rehoboth. Bethany’s average home value sits around $848,592, which is still real money, no question — but it buys you more house, more land, and more peace than the same budget gets you closer to the boardwalk. Bethany is welcoming too, just without Rehoboth’s decades of built-in queer institutional history — and for plenty of us, that trade-off is more than worth it.
Fenwick Island: Small Town, Big Flex
Fenwick rarely gets mentioned and, frankly, it should be insulted. It’s tiny, it’s quiet, and it has beach access without the carnival energy. The market data tends to lump it in with Bethany, where single-family oceanfront homes clear $1 million while entry-level condos start in the $600s — proof that “under-the-radar” doesn’t mean “bargain bin,” it means “fewer people fighting you for it.”
South Bethany: For the Boat Gays
Some of us want sand between our toes. Others want a private dock and a boat named something deeply unserious. South Bethany’s canal communities are built for the latter — water access on both sides, fewer crowds, and a lifestyle that says, “I have a captain’s hat and I am not afraid to wear it.”
The Math Works in Your Favor Now
Here’s the part that should really get your attention: Sussex County’s median sold price has dropped to $440,000, down 3.3% year-over-year, and buyers are routinely closing around 88 cents on the dollar compared to asking price. That’s a far cry from the unhinged bidding wars of 2021 and 2022, when overpaying was basically a competitive sport. Inventory across the county sits at nearly 2,500 active listings — the most of any county in Delaware, meaning you actually get to be picky for once. Revolutionary, we know.
And no, choosing one of these towns doesn’t mean leaving your people behind. Sussex Pride serves the entire county, not just Rehoboth proper, and CAMP Rehoboth’s resources extend well beyond town limits too. You’re not exiling yourself to the suburbs of queerness — you’re just getting a bigger kitchen, a quieter porch, and a much shorter line for the bathroom.
Add in the fact that Delaware has no estate tax and some of the lowest property taxes around, savings that genuinely add up over a retirement horizon, and the case writes itself. Rehoboth will always be the beating, sequined heart of queer beach culture in Delaware. But if you’ve been telling yourself a beach house isn’t in the cards — I’m here to tell you it absolutely is. It just might be 15 minutes south, with your own quiet porch, your own salt air, and considerably more room to breathe.
Have a real estate question or Rehoboth market tip? Reach out to [email protected] for LGBTQ-friendly real estate resources in the Rehoboth area.
Justin Noble is a Realtor licensed in D.C., Maryland, and Delaware with Monument Sotheby’s International Realty. Reach him at [email protected] or 302-897-7499.
Real Estate
‘Culture eats strategy for breakfast’
Real estate agents must adapt, learn how to manage from within
“Culture Eats Strategy for Breakfast” was a phrase often repeated in many of my management courses from the University of Illinois. The concept was discussed at length – how the best laid plans can sometimes be supported or derailed by the culture of the people involved in whichever project to be implemented. Whether it be a project to implement new software, roll out a new product or service, or just reaching a sales target, the way the team involved works together can indeed affect the outcome.
Perhaps this is just another way to say, “teamwork makes the dream work!” Most teams usually have someone who is designated as a leader. The leader can try to lead through authority and control or can alternatively try to lead through influence and encouraging a more collective framework for solving problems.
Why does this matter when picking the right real estate agent or team to work with? Besides having a job as a salesperson for the brokerage, the real estate agent is contractually bound to act on their client’s behalf. The buyer broker agreement is in place so that the agent and the client can work together as a team in communications regarding offer strategy, during negotiations, implementing marketing plans, as well as selecting which renovations or upgrades to choose before selling a property. After the property goes under contract, the job isn’t “done”. There is still work to do.
At this point, the agents then turn into a project manager of sorts – coordinating communications between the lending team, the title attorneys, the other client’s agents, any governmental agencies that could be involved in down payment assistance or helping to clear a property for a sale, and often times groups like a condo board, a home inspector, or contractors when arranging repairs and estimates before a final walk through.
In short, the agent takes on somewhat of a “leadership role” in the transaction and ensures that all the ducks stay in a row until the project is complete. That agent will hopefully be very fluid and forthcoming with their information, copying the required parties on all communications and creating a “paper trail” of who said what or didn’t offer to fix A, B, or C, so that all the minutiae of the contract can be addressed and fulfilled before the settlement date. The agent often must wear many hats and quickly learn the communication styles of an entire new set of people in a short period. One person may not return calls for a week after being contacted. Another person may go on vacation at the beginning of the process and not return emails for two weeks. Another person may wish to have daily updates of the progress of the process.
In this way – an agent quickly learns in each transaction that “culture can eat strategy for breakfast.” Because the agent must adapt to a wide variety of communication styles, learn how to “manage from within”, build support for closing the project by the due date, and somehow keep all the interested parties invested, engaged, and responsive.
Who you work with matters when picking the right person to represent you in your next transaction – so, just remember that “teamwork makes the dream work!”
Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with RLAH. Reach him at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].
Dear Michael,
I’ve been dating Mark for three years, living together for two, and I’m not sure he’s for me. We get along great but I’m questioning how attracted I am to him.
I was never crazy about him physically but he was such a sweet and smart guy that I wanted to date him.
Sex was never mind-blowing and the longer we’ve been together the more this is bothering me. I wonder if I could find someone who appeals to me more, physically.
On the plus side, I like him a lot. He has good values, shares my religious faith, which is hard to find in another gay guy, is responsible and has a good work ethic. Also, I just have fun with him and he’s always interested to hear what’s on my mind. He’s an all-around decent guy.
As I’m writing this, I’m thinking that he seems great and that I’m a fool for even questioning our relationship. But all my friends are always talking about the amazing sex they are having, and then I think I’m missing out on a key part of life because my sex life is comparatively lackluster.
I don’t want to settle. But how likely am I to find another guy who is as all-around a good catch as Mark, but with more sexual chemistry?
Michael replies:
I don’t think the right approach is to wonder about your chances for of finding someone better. Anyone you find will have things you aren’t crazy about.
For example, you might find someone whom you’re wildly attracted to sexually, but they’ll bore you or annoy you, or have values you don’t respect.
I understand that you aren’t wildly sexually attracted to Mark. The truth is that it’s extremely unlikely that you would remain wildly sexually attracted to anyone for that long. People tend to get used to each other over time. Sex can remain great, but more from closeness and love than heat and sizzle.
I work with people all the time who wonder if there is someone “better” out there. And I tell them, they’re never going to get through all the possibilities before they die. Instead, how about thinking if the guy you are with is someone you’d like to go with on this journey through life?
Mark’s attributes that you mention sound wonderful to me. After more than 30 years working with folks on relationships, and being in my own 30+ year relationship, I have learned a thing or two about what creates a relationship that is satisfying and good. A decent, kind guy with admirable values is an excellent start.
The question is, can you live with your sex life not being on an orgasmically hot mind-blowing level? I hope the answer is yes, because sex with anyone you pick is not likely to stay in that sort of realm for long.
Another point to consider: I don’t think you should get too caught up in what your friends are telling you. They may be having amazing sex, but are they all having it with the same long-term partner? As I mentioned, long-term sex can be great, but the excitement tends to be replaced by caring connection over time.
I’ll generalize here for a moment: Because so many gay men have many sexual partners, the kind of sex you have with someone new, whom you’re tremendously attracted to, tends to be glorified among gay men as the gold standard of sex. But it’s not realistic for sex with a long-term partner.
This glorification is a big problem: It leaves gay men who are not having torrid sex with lots of guys feeling like there is something wrong with the sex they are having, that they are missing out on something super fantastic. Just like you are feeling.
If you want a lifetime of ongoing hot sex, I don’t think you should be looking for a relationship. If you are willing to accept sex being a not-always fantastic, but perhaps consistently loving, often good, and occasionally great part of life with a kind decent guy, then Mark might just be the right partner for you after all.
(Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C., Maryland, Virginia, New York, and all PSYPACT states. He can be found at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].)
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