Advice
Are 12-steps right for me?
How to recognize if you have an addition problem


Twelve-step groups are abstinence-based, but the only requirement for joining is a desire to stop using.
Michael,
Like most of my friends, I guess you could say I have a couple of addictions. I usually get really drunk on weekends. I frequently use recreational drugs including K and sometimes even Meth when Iām going out or having sex. Maybe Iām addicted to hooking up because I like the rush it gives me and do it regularly.
It feels weird to think of any of this as problematic because it seems like the norm in my social group. But I have to admit that I am almost irresistibly drawn to all of these behaviors and donāt think I could just cold-turkey stop any of them.
You often write that Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step groups are helpful for dealing with addiction. I know I could use some help but I donāt have any idea how these groups are supposed to work. I hear there is a religious angle, which Iām not interested in. Also, when I hear acquaintances talking about āThe Programā and āworking the steps,ā it sounds like some kind of cult. And Iām not interested in living a life of deprivation.
I wonder if you could explain how these groups are helpful?
Michael replies:
Iāve seen 12-step groups literally save the lives of friends and clients and I think they work in two main ways.
First, attending meetings gives you support and a feeling of community. Youāll meet others who are working to be sober, hear their stories and share your own struggles with them. Youāre likely to feel less alone in your effort to stop using, learn tools for staying sober and make friends you can reach out to when youāre feeling vulnerable. Youāll also have a sponsor, your guide and advocate in the program, whom you talk with regularly.
Second, the program lays out ā12 stepsā of recovery that are a path to greater self-awareness and personal growth. Like good psychotherapy, the steps give you a framework for looking at your behavior patterns and taking responsibility for yourself. I see them as tools for learning how to live with integrity and for understanding what leads you toward compulsive addictive behaviors. I often hear from people in the program that working the 12 steps and practicing principles such as honesty provide a feeling of serenity that helps them deal with the stressors of life without overreacting or falling back into addictive behaviors.
A few more points to keep in mind: twelve-step groups are abstinence-based, but the only requirement for joining is a desire to stop using. Donāt worry; groups for sex addiction such as Sexual Compulsives Anonymous donāt define abstinence as celibacy, but as stopping compulsive sexual behaviors and figuring out your own definition of healthy sexual behavior.
While 12-step groupsā traditions, slogans and rituals can seem cult-like, they actually have a very open, diverse membership and are not at all about mind control. To the contrary, they can help you break free of active addiction and that is a very powerful form of mind control.
Like you, many of my clients have told me that they arenāt interested in attending a 12-step group because they donāt believe in God. Yes, there are many references to āGodā in the steps and recovery literature, but God is defined simply as a āhigher power,ā something bigger than yourself, not a biblical deity. Itās a spiritual, not religious program, and many members are atheist.
Finally, while I get your concern about not wanting a life of deprivation, the experience Iāve most often heard from people in recovery is of having a life that is fuller and richer than they ever thought would be possible.
Getting past addiction is extremely tough and there is no easy way to do it. And a 12-step group may not be for you. There are also harm reduction programs that some people utilize to moderate their substance use and minimize consequences. What I like best about the 12-step model is that it gives people strong support and helps them develop the internal strength to deal with life without self-medicating. If you are intrigued, the best way to learn more is to actually attend several 12-step meetings.Ā There are many in our area, including LGBT meetings.
If you feel like you canāt control your substance use and hookups, I hope you will look for support. Your life, like other LGBT lives, is far too valuable to be squandered in addictive behaviors.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D, licensed psychologist, specializes in LGBTQ individual therapy and couples counseling in Washington, D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
My partner wonāt come out to her parents
How to cope when you love someone whoās closeted

Dear Michael:
Iām having a terrible communication problem with my girlfriend. She just isnāt hearing me on some issues that mean a lot.
Nicki doesnāt get why itās important for me that we be out to her parents as a couple. Iāve explained my position over and over. Iām not willing to hide or pretend, and doing so makes things way more complicated down the road, if we stay together. Eventually weād have to explain our lies. Itās crazy to imagine hiding our marriage, or hiding children. More than crazy!
How can you be believable about anything if you arenāt honest about who you are and the nature of your relationship?
Nickiās whole response boils down to her being afraid that her parents will reject her (theyāre deeply religious, conservative). Me trying to explain to her that you canāt let fear run your life just doesnāt penetrate her brain.
As a result I havenāt met her parents yet, and our relationship is a lot more tentative than I would like it to be at this point.
Besides this ābiggie,ā there is one other issue that she just doesnāt get, no matter how much I explain my position: She makes fun of me a lot ā especially when weāre out with friends. About all sorts of things. How I dress (too stereotypically lesbian in her view); my interests (same criticism); my supposed inability to cook; my bad driving; my loving my dog too much. And more.
Nicki either says sheās not making fun of me, or says that sheās just kidding around and I am too serious. The more I ask her to stop, the more she tells me to ālighten up.ā She just isnāt hearing me.
Aside from communication issues around these big topics, we have an otherwise great relationship that I would like to last. However, this stuff isnāt acceptable.
What more can I do to communicate more clearly in a way that she will hear me?
Michael replies:
It sounds like youāre both making your points loud and clear. You criticize Nicki, and Nicki criticizes you.
Communication means that you say what you want to say to your partner, and you listen when she wants to share something. It does not mean that you get your partner to agree with you or behave as you want her to.
Even if you think that Nickiās not being out to her parents is crazy, she doesnāt have to come out to them.
Is Nicki open to the idea of eventually coming out to her parents? Mustering the courage to do so can be a slow process. If Nicki would like to work on this, and you are willing to wait, then stay in the relationship and work on being patient and accepting. But if this is a deal breaker issue now, Nicki is not for you.
While you can continue to try to change Nicki, this tactic doesnāt seem to be getting you anywhere, except annoyed. You have a lot of power over your own behavior, but little power over how your partner behaves. In other words, you get to be with the person you are with; not a hypothetical āimprovedā version that better suits you.
With regard to the teasing issue: I believe that if someone you care about tells you that you are hurting them, itās a good idea to listen. I donāt get why Nicki wants to keep behaving toward you in ways that you find painful. Could it be that all of this is linked?
Perhaps Nicki is hurt or annoyed or angry that you wonāt accept her not being out to her parents; and is getting back at you for your ongoing pestering by torturing you with criticisms and insults. Or, perhaps your hurt, annoyance, and anger over Nickiās ongoing teasing is leading you to retaliate by continually criticizing her closeted status.
Think of your relationship as a system: When one part of a system changes, it impacts the entire system. If either one of you changes your behavior for the better, you will likely have a positive impact on your relationship. Do you want to make the first move, and see what happens?
You might also begin an ongoing discussion with Nicki about the benefits of being respectful toward each other, listening to each other, striving to understand each otherās points of view, and tolerating that you sometimes see both minor and important issues differently.
But only start that discussion if it makes sense to you that having a decent relationship depends on your continually striving to do these things.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
Advice
How to rebuild trust after infidelity
You cannot use your partnerās bad behavior to justify your own

Last monthās column featured a letter from someone who had cheated on his boyfriend, and was struggling with the boyfriendās unwillingness to forgive him despite his contrition. He wondered what he could do to earn back his boyfriendās trust, and noted that he was feeling increasingly resentful over the nonstop scrutiny and contempt.
My reply in a nutshell: If youāve stepped out of your relationship, and want to do better going forward, the main person whose trust you need to earn is your own. Figure out your own standards (with input from your partner, of course) to be a boyfriend who deserves his partnerās trust, and live up to those standards. Strive to honor your partnerās requests to demonstrate your trustworthiness, but when doing so comes at too high a cost to your self-respect or your affection for your partner, you may need to set a boundary.
Now Iād like to address the other side of this dilemma. If youāve been cheated on, what can you do to build a trusting and loving relationship with your partner, going forward? Hereās what I would say to the boyfriend.
For starters: Youāre in a tough spot. Itās natural and understandable to be hurt, heartbroken, and furious with your partner. But if you want to have a loving relationship with this guy going forward, you are going to have to find a way to not let these feelings run your show for too long.
As is true for your partner, the person whose trust you most need to earn is you. Can you get better at paying attention, going forward, to any signs that your partner is stepping out of the relationship? Did you miss any hints that something was amiss? Were you ignoring data about your partnerās behavior and character?
You canāt go too far in either direction here. On the one hand, ignoring your āspidey senseā that somethingās wrong is a terrible idea. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and interrogations create an imbalanced relationship and often lead to your partner wanting to get away with things. Thatās just a natural consequence of being constantly watched.
A big part of your work is to determine if your partner is sincere in his desire to be honest going forward and devote himself to building the same kind of relationship that you want to build. This means assessing your partnerās character: Do you have a clear read on his values, and do you respect them? Can you get a good sense of whether he is just telling you what you want to hear in order to stay in the relationship, or being honest about where he really stands?
You can never know for sure. You can only do your best to see your partner and your relationship accurately. One thing is certain, though. If you are going to be in a close relationship, you must accept that you are going to be vulnerable to heartbreak. In any long relationship, partners do at times hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. There is no way around this.
Of course, that doesnāt mean you must stay with someone who cheated on you. You get to decide whom you want to be with, what is not forgivable, and when you do not want to forgive.
If you decide that you have good reason to stay, you will have to develop your ability to calm yourself when it feels like something might be wrong and you are starting to freak out. Remember, your alarm system is likely on high alert after having been betrayed, which means you may easily panic when something might be amiss.
So when your partner doesnāt show up when he said he would, or doesnāt reply to a text or answer his phone, take a moment to quiet your mind ā perhaps by taking some slow deep breaths, perhaps simply by reminding yourself that your judgment may be āoffā right now ā and not rush into accusations or a downward spiral.
Every time you are able to make this move, you will be strengthening your ability to remain calm and thoughtful under very tough circumstances. That is a great skill to have in all arenas of life.
One more point: If you want to be angry or walk around feeling like your partner owes you for the rest of your existence, you might as well end the relationship, because youāll never have a loving relationship under those conditions. You cannot use your partnerās bad behavior to justify your own bad behavior. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must strive to be someone worth being in a relationship with.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

Dear Michael,
I cheated on my boyfriend and I canāt get him to forgive me.
A few months ago I slept with another guy. I canāt really explain why I did it. Sam and I have had an agreement to be monogamous and I believe in monogamy.
Rick, the āother manā and I, have been friends for a long time and it just happened. Rick is very attractive, I think he has a great personality, we were having dinner together and Iād had a bit too much to drink. We started making out and then left together and went to his place.
Unfortunately, a friend of Samās saw us kissing at the restaurant and reported me to Sam. He confronted me and I confessed to everything (not just the kissing).
I am very disappointed in myself and Iāve communicated that, over and over, to Sam.
But he continues to be angry with me. Every time I go out, he tells me to ābehave.ā He told me I canāt see Rick anymore and he has my āfind my phoneā feature activated so that he can always check my whereabouts. He also has all my passwords and periodically checks everything. Itās like being randomly drug-tested by my boyfriend.
On one hand, I understand. Iāve destroyed his trust in me and I need to rebuild it.
On the other hand, itās hard to live with his obvious contempt for me and his skepticism when I am trying to live up to a higher standard, going forward.
The truth is, I am starting to resent the constant scrutiny and contempt. I actually told him that and he blew up at me, telling me that I have no right to feel this way after hurting him as I have done.
Is one episode of infidelity really that bad?
According to Sam, yes ā because I did it and didnāt tell him. He says he never would have known if his friend hadnāt told him about it, and this makes him wonder what else Iāve done, or might do.
All I can say is, I am contrite and told him everything Iād done when all he knew was that I had made out with someone. So I am wanting to be honest.
I donāt know how itās possible to recover from this.
Michael replies:
You canāt have a loving relationship when one partner is the probation officer and the other partner is on probation. As you are finding, you wind up in a cesspool of resentment and suspicion.
Hereās an alternate approach: First, focus on giving Sam reason to trust you, every hour and every day. This means behaving in a way that is trustworthy.
The big question: What constitutes trustworthy behavior?
Of course, you must consider Samās feelings and comfort level in deciding on how you should conduct yourself as his partner. But you canāt base your standard only on what Sam demands; and you canāt do everything he demands.
Thatās what youāre doing now, with all the password-checking and location-tracking, and itās leaving you angry, scared, demeaned, and second-guessing yourself. Itās also unbalancing your relationship, because rather than being two equal partners, one of you is subservient to the other.
One more problem: itās a fact of life that when people are being watched, they are often tempted to find some way to ācheat.ā Iām not saying that Samās surveillance should or will drive you to hook up again; but ongoing scrutiny can certainly lead people to want to hide things. That is not a good dynamic for an intimate relationship.
Hereās an alternate way to rebuild trust: Decide for yourself how you want to behave, what standards and limits have integrity for you (again, taking into great consideration what is important to Sam). Strive to live up to these standards. Continue to follow through, day after day. You will feel proud of yourself and solid in your belief that you are a person who is trustworthy.
This may take some time. I understand well that you broke Samās trust, and perhaps his heart. You have to build a track record for him to see that you are holding yourself accountable.
You may be facing a dilemma, as frequently happens in intimate relationships. They have a way of forcing us to make tough choices. If you do what you think is best to be a trustworthy partner, and if some of your choices violate Samās demands, Sam may end the relationship. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and cross-examination may be intolerable for you in a close relationship.
Explaining to Sam why it is important for you to have a boundary at times, in the interest of strengthening and developing a more loving relationship, may be helpful.
While you, the partner who strayed, wrote this letter, there are important points for Sam (or anyone in his position) to consider in the interest of repairing a relationship following infidelity. I will address these in my next column.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
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