Last month’s column featured a letter from someone who had cheated on his boyfriend, and was struggling with the boyfriend’s unwillingness to forgive him despite his contrition. He wondered what he could do to earn back his boyfriend’s trust, and noted that he was feeling increasingly resentful over the nonstop scrutiny and contempt.

My reply in a nutshell: If you’ve stepped out of your relationship, and want to do better going forward, the main person whose trust you need to earn is your own. Figure out your own standards (with input from your partner, of course) to be a boyfriend who deserves his partner’s trust, and live up to those standards. Strive to honor your partner’s requests to demonstrate your trustworthiness, but when doing so comes at too high a cost to your self-respect or your affection for your partner, you may need to set a boundary. 

Now I’d like to address the other side of this dilemma. If you’ve been cheated on, what can you do to build a trusting and loving relationship with your partner, going forward? Here’s what I would say to the boyfriend.

For starters: You’re in a tough spot. It’s natural and understandable to be hurt, heartbroken, and furious with your partner. But if you want to have a loving relationship with this guy going forward, you are going to have to find a way to not let these feelings run your show for too long.  

As is true for your partner, the person whose trust you most need to earn is you. Can you get better at paying attention, going forward, to any signs that your partner is stepping out of the relationship? Did you miss any hints that something was amiss? Were you ignoring data about your partner’s behavior and character?  

You can’t go too far in either direction here. On the one hand, ignoring your “spidey sense” that something’s wrong is a terrible idea. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and interrogations create an imbalanced relationship and often lead to your partner wanting to get away with things. That’s just a natural consequence of being constantly watched.

A big part of your work is to determine if your partner is sincere in his desire to be honest going forward and devote himself to building the same kind of relationship that you want to build. This means assessing your partner’s character: Do you have a clear read on his values, and do you respect them? Can you get a good sense of whether he is just telling you what you want to hear in order to stay in the relationship, or being honest about where he really stands?

You can never know for sure. You can only do your best to see your partner and your relationship accurately. One thing is certain, though. If you are going to be in a close relationship, you must accept that you are going to be vulnerable to heartbreak. In any long relationship, partners do at times hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. There is no way around this.  

Of course, that doesn’t mean you must stay with someone who cheated on you. You get to decide whom you want to be with, what is not forgivable, and when you do not want to forgive.

If you decide that you have good reason to stay, you will have to develop your ability to calm yourself when it feels like something might be wrong and you are starting to freak out.  Remember, your alarm system is likely on high alert after having been betrayed, which means you may easily panic when something might be amiss.  

So when your partner doesn’t show up when he said he would, or doesn’t reply to a text or answer his phone, take a moment to quiet your mind — perhaps by taking some slow deep breaths, perhaps simply by reminding yourself that your judgment may be “off” right now — and not rush into accusations or a downward spiral.  

Every time you are able to make this move, you will be strengthening your ability to remain calm and thoughtful under very tough circumstances. That is a great skill to have in all arenas of life.

One more point: If you want to be angry or walk around feeling like your partner owes you for the rest of your existence, you might as well end the relationship, because you’ll never have a loving relationship under those conditions. You cannot use your partner’s bad behavior to justify your own bad behavior. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must strive to be someone worth being in a relationship with.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Dear Michael,

I cheated on my boyfriend and I can’t get him to forgive me.

A few months ago I slept with another guy. I can’t really explain why I did it. Sam and I have had an agreement to be monogamous and I believe in monogamy.  

Rick, the “other man” and I, have been friends for a long time and it just happened. Rick is very attractive, I think he has a great personality, we were having dinner together and I’d had a bit too much to drink. We started making out and then left together and went to his place.

Unfortunately, a friend of Sam’s saw us kissing at the restaurant and reported me to Sam. He confronted me and I confessed to everything (not just the kissing).

I am very disappointed in myself and I’ve communicated that, over and over, to Sam.  

But he continues to be angry with me. Every time I go out, he tells me to “behave.” He told me I can’t see Rick anymore and he has my “find my phone” feature activated so that he can always check my whereabouts. He also has all my passwords and periodically checks everything. It’s like being randomly drug-tested by my boyfriend.

On one hand, I understand. I’ve destroyed his trust in me and I need to rebuild it.

On the other hand, it’s hard to live with his obvious contempt for me and his skepticism when I am trying to live up to a higher standard, going forward.

The truth is, I am starting to resent the constant scrutiny and contempt. I actually told him that and he blew up at me, telling me that I have no right to feel this way after hurting him as I have done.

Is one episode of infidelity really that bad? 

According to Sam, yes — because I did it and didn’t tell him. He says he never would have known if his friend hadn’t told him about it, and this makes him wonder what else I’ve done, or might do.

All I can say is, I am contrite and told him everything I’d done when all he knew was that I had made out with someone. So I am wanting to be honest.

I don’t know how it’s possible to recover from this.

Michael replies:

You can’t have a loving relationship when one partner is the probation officer and the other partner is on probation. As you are finding, you wind up in a cesspool of resentment and suspicion.

Here’s an alternate approach: First, focus on giving Sam reason to trust you, every hour and every day. This means behaving in a way that is trustworthy.

The big question: What constitutes trustworthy behavior?

Of course, you must consider Sam’s feelings and comfort level in deciding on how you should conduct yourself as his partner. But you can’t base your standard only on what Sam demands; and you can’t do everything he demands.  

That’s what you’re doing now, with all the password-checking and location-tracking, and it’s leaving you angry, scared, demeaned, and second-guessing yourself. It’s also unbalancing your relationship, because rather than being two equal partners, one of you is subservient to the other.  

One more problem: it’s a fact of life that when people are being watched, they are often tempted to find some way to “cheat.” I’m not saying that Sam’s surveillance should or will drive you to hook up again; but ongoing scrutiny can certainly lead people to want to hide things. That is not a good dynamic for an intimate relationship.

Here’s an alternate way to rebuild trust: Decide for yourself how you want to behave, what standards and limits have integrity for you (again, taking into great consideration what is important to Sam). Strive to live up to these standards. Continue to follow through, day after day.  You will feel proud of yourself and solid in your belief that you are a person who is trustworthy. 

This may take some time. I understand well that you broke Sam’s trust, and perhaps his heart. You have to build a track record for him to see that you are holding yourself accountable.  

You may be facing a dilemma, as frequently happens in intimate relationships. They have a way of forcing us to make tough choices. If you do what you think is best to be a trustworthy partner, and if some of your choices violate Sam’s demands, Sam may end the relationship. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and cross-examination may be intolerable for you in a close relationship.

Explaining to Sam why it is important for you to have a boundary at times, in the interest of strengthening and developing a more loving relationship, may be helpful. 

While you, the partner who strayed, wrote this letter, there are important points for Sam (or anyone in his position) to consider in the interest of repairing a relationship following infidelity. I will address these in my next column.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Hi Michael,

I’ve been best friends with Chris since we were kids. We’re both gay and both wound up in D.C. after college. And we’re roommates. 

The trouble started about a year and a half ago. Chris, who has always liked working out, started getting absorbed in bodybuilding.

He started spending hours a day working out and all these weird powders and supplements started piling up in the kitchen.

Chris became obsessed with building muscle. When he told me he was trying steroids, I told him that was a bad idea but he told me he was doing it under medical supervision and I shouldn’t worry.

In recent months he’s a changed person. He’s short with me a lot, angers easily. He got into a few screaming matches with Matthew, his boyfriend, that I overheard. He sounded paranoid and out-of-control. Guess what? Matthew walked out on him.

I’m not proud but I did a little snooping (basically looked in his bathroom) – and the stuff was everywhere.

Last week he lost his job. He wouldn’t tell me why but I am pretty sure it’s due to his increasingly weird and angry behavior. I told him that—and told him that I know he’s using a lot more than he should (is any amount OK?)—and he majorly blew up at me. Now he’s not talking to me and he texted me I should move out and not wait until our lease is up.

I don’t know what to do. I love Chris deeply—but it seems like the guy I’ve known for 20 years is gone and has been replaced by a mean paranoid guy who is driving his life off a cliff.

I’m wondering about letting his parents know. I’ve known them since childhood and I’m hoping they can talk some sense into him. Or an intervention with all his friends (none of whom he is speaking to anymore for one reason or another, but the real reason is his crazy behavior).  Maybe we could confront him and get him to stop.  

But I’m not sure what the right thing to do is and don’t want to alienate him completely.  Any thoughts or ideas for a good strategy?

Michael replies:

I’m sorry, I know it’s excruciating to watch someone you love struggle with addiction. I don’t think you can get Chris to stop or moderate his use.

You have shared your concerns with Chris, and he’s blown up at you. This is not a guy who wants to look at his life choices critically.

You could tell his parents, but you have to weigh the risks versus benefits. Maybe they would be able to influence Chris to cut back on his steroid use. Or maybe he’d just cut himself off from them as well, further deepening his isolation, and perhaps leading to his being even less tethered to reality.

I would make similar points about an intervention: Sometimes they have a positive impact on the person who is being confronted. Sometimes they don’t do much except rile the person up, and lead him or her to dig further into denial and isolation. 

My own experience is that interventions have a greater chance of being helpful when the person can acknowledge the unmanageability of the addiction and is willing to try something different. Chris doesn’t sound like he is anywhere near that point.

Simply put, there’s no easy fix to this, because only Chris gets to decide how he wants to live his life, even if his choices are ruinous.

Here’s what you can do:

First, if Chris starts talking to you again, be supportive without being enabling. This means not criticizing him or telling him what to do; letting him know that you care about him and are there to help if he wants help; not joining him in minimizing the seriousness of his situation; and having a boundary when necessary. 

For example: 

If there are times when he is pleasant to be with, enjoy them. 

If he’s snapping at you for no reason, you can say “hey, it’s not fun to be with you when you’re like this—I’ll see you later.”

If he’s lamenting his job loss, you might reply, “I’m sorry you lost your job—and I’m sure you could take steps to succeed in another job.” 

If he attempts to start an argument with you about how his steroid use is not a problem, or that you’re blowing it out of proportion, don’t join the argument. “Sorry, I see it differently, and I’m not going to argue with you about this.”

If he continues to not speak to you, you can still continue to reach out to him now-and-then, in ways that don’t require him to respond, to let him know you that you’ll be there for him if he needs help at some point.

One more thing you can do is get some support for yourself. This is a tough situation for you as well. It’s easy for someone in your situation to feel like you’re doing the wrong thing, no matter what you do. 

I’d suggest that you attend at least a few Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a support fellowship for people whose loved ones are struggling with addiction. You’ll get support in recognizing that there really are limits to what you can do; in setting a boundary when you need to; and in knowing that you are not alone.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].