Living
Doin’ it our way
As more gay and lesbian couples wed, the ceremonies come in all shapes and sizes
Lou Ann Sandstrom, left, and Kathleen Kutschenreuter at their wedding recessional at Foundry United Methodist Church on Sept. 28, 2013. (Photo by Paul Morse Photography; courtesy the couple)
Like the couples themselves, same-sex weddings come in all shapes and sizes.
We got to know three local couples that each went about it in different ways.
Kevin Anthony Rowe, 31, married Will Shreve, 28, last Sept. 19 at the Jefferson Memorial. They kept it “small and quick” so they could tie the knot before Shreve left for the Middle East on Christmas Day for his deployment with the U.S. Navy.
Greg Alexander, 43, married his partner of 13 years, Paul K. Williams, 47, on Jan. 31 at the Baltimore City Circuit Courthouse.
Kathleen Kutschenreuter, 43, and Lou Ann Sandstrom, 54, did the more traditional “big church wedding.” They had about 130 guests when they wed last Sept. 28 at Foundry United Methodist Church in Washington, an event that was also the day of their then-6-month-old daughter, Ava Kae’s, baptism.
For myriad reasons, each couple’s decision, they say, made the most sense for them.
Kevin Anthony Rowe, left, with husband Will Shreve, right. They were married Sept. 19 by Rev. David Lett, center. (Photo by John Ellis)
Rowe and Shreve met on a Sunday evening at Nellie’s Sports Bar in January 2012.
“It sounds cliché, but I knew from the minute I met him, this is the guy I was going to end up with,” says Rowe, a budget analyst at National Geographic who also tends bar on weekends at Town Danceboutique. “I’d had long relationships before … but I never had been so sure about something. …. In my mind, it was only a matter of time.”
He says they might have done a destination wedding had time not been so pressing, but they’re happy with how things worked out. They chose the Jefferson Memorial because it’s Shreve’s favorite D.C. memorial.
Rowe says it was all pretty easy to arrange. After downloading a form from the National Park Service website and sending $100, the permit was e-mailed back to them within about three days.
“It was super easy,” he says. “Once you get there, there are only certain areas you can have it, but you just ask at the little guard spot and they tell you where you can and can’t go.”
The ceremony lasted about 15-20 minutes and Rev. David Lett, a friend of the couple, officiated. They were at the site about an hour.
On the Thursday of their wedding, they had dinner beforehand and an after party at Number Nine, a gay bar on P Street, with balloons and Champagne.
Rowe says the separation is hard but he’s making do with Skype, texts and the like. They video chat every couple days and are planning a few trips throughout the year to see each other. Rowe says he keeps busy working two jobs and has great friends around to help fill the void.
Because they had lived together near Columbia Heights about a year before getting married, Rowe says the wedding itself didn’t change how their relationship felt.
“It kind of just felt like another day together,” he says. “We fit so well on every level and it’s so comfortable that just because the label was there now didn’t change anything.”
Greg Alexander, a magazine editor, thought he would feel pretty much the same way. He and Williams had lived together for about 10 years by the time they wed last month.
“It’s hard to describe it,” he says. “We’d been together 13 years and I didn’t expect it to feel any different. We’d exchanged rings on our 10th anniversary, just the two of us in the garden. But something about it, after it was done, not to sound cheesy, but it feels more real. When I look at my ring, it’s not just, ‘Oh, those are the rings we gave each other because we love each other.’ Now it’s more like, ‘Yes, we are married.’”
The couple thought about getting married when same-sex marriage became legal in Maryland in January last year, but decided to wait. When key parts of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) were repealed by the Supreme Court later in the year, Alexander says, “That was kind of the final push we needed.” They waited until 2014 for tax purposes.
“We were pretty sure this is what we wanted,” says Williams, who is president of Congressional Cemetery. “I think we were more concerned we might offend some family members or friends by not doing something bigger, but we talked about it with them and decided to do some nice dinners with our two families a few months later. That’s just kind of the way it worked out best for us, especially for our families and their schedules.”
Alexander says in early discussions that, “luckily we were on the same page about this.” They’d had large parties with family, friends, banquet halls, private chefs and that type of thing for each other on their respective 40th birthdays, so when it came time to tie the knot, they agreed simpler was the way to go.
Paul K. Williams, left, with husband Greg Alexander the day they married at the Baltimore City Circuit Courthouse. (Photo courtesy the couple)
He says there was some initial concern that doing it so low key might feel anticlimactic, but he says the courthouse didn’t have the bare bones feel he thought it might.
“I thought it might be a little two-second thing like going to jury duty or something, but we were pleasantly surprised,” Alexander says. “It’s actually pretty nice. The people were amazing, which kind of caught us a little off guard. … You go into a little room that’s decorated and they have an officiant do your vows. … We couldn’t get over how excited the city employees were. We had total strangers hugging us and telling us they were so happy two gay men could get married. We didn’t expect that from the Baltimore City Courthouse.”
The license was about $85 and there was an additional $25 charge for the civil ceremony. Three couples joined them for dinner afterward.
“I think the couple needs to really ask themselves how they want to remember the occasion,” Williams says. “I know when we had the big [birthday] party, it went so fast and it was so involved and complex, I barely remember the conversations we had. I think it’s just something that’s very individual and each couple needs to look at themselves and how they like to entertain and decide how they want to do it.”
Kutschenreuter and Sandstrom were struck by Rev. Dean Snyder’s homily when they visited Foundry United Methodist Church in November 2012. As he shared a story of a same-sex couple whose wedding he had officiated the previous day and Kutschenreuter and Sandstrom discovered the church’s social justice, community and LGBT advocacy work, it hit a nerve.
“We really knew we wanted a sacred space to really honor our desire to express our commitment in front of family and friends and we didn’t want to do it on our own, we wanted witnesses,” says Kutschenreuter, who works for the Environmental Protection Agency. “We had a desire to do it in front of a higher power … . To us, we felt for our marriage to have the best chance and to be the most grounded, we wanted it to be grounded in a spiritual context.”
They say the cost of the church was a “drop in the bucket,” considering what they spent on their reception. They said it was “less than $2,000” for the church, clergy and a team of musicians who performed. Foundry offers a discount to members.
“It’s between about $500 and $2,000 depending on how lean or heavy you want to go,” Kutschenreuter says. A reception was held that evening at the Hay-Adams Hotel.
“We have absolutely no regrets about it,” says Sandstrom, who works for the FBI. “We saw it as an investment and everyone had a fantastic time.”
“We did think along the way, ‘Oh my gosh, what are we doing, this is so stressful,’” Kutschenreuter says. “But we weren’t being elaborate just to be elaborate. We were trying to honor the fact that we’re older people, we have a daughter, it was Lou Ann’s Dad’s 90th birthday and both our dads walked us down the aisle, we had people coming from all over; there was just so much more to it than there would have been for a younger couple. But we knew this group of people would never be together any other time so we wanted it to be special. It was definitely worth it.”
Real Estate
In real estate, trust the process
With rates coming down, we could see spring surge in buyers
The average 30-year mortgage rate is falling, little by slowly. With predictions that the rate will continue to adjust downward in the next year or two, there may be a busier spring market than we have seen in the last few year, especially for the DMV market, which has been reeling from thousands of layoffs this past year. The frenzied activity resulting from interest rates close to 3% for some borrowers will probably not occur; however, this spring could add up to be a few notches busier than the last.
What does this mean for buyers and sellers? Lender Tina Del Casale with Waterstone Mortgage says she has seen “low to mid 6’s as the average for conventional loans.” If rates continue downward into the 5% range, there may be more activity than we saw in the last year or two. This could release a little bit of pent up demand.
Many buyers will have found that for whatever reason, their current home is not meeting their needs. Sellers may want to finally take the plunge and put a for sale sign in the yard and online, now that they might find a more reasonable rate on their next home. This winter can be an opportunity to assess financial situations, home conditions, and optimize one’s chances to have a sale with more agreeable terms, or put one’s best foot forward in an offer. In addition to checking with a lender or favorite handy person, let’s review what sellers and buyers typically spend their energy negotiating while enjoying the lovely process called “going under contract”:
- Timelines – Sellers might want to have their house solidly under contract (papers signed, thumbs up from the lenders, all inspection items decided upon and settled) so that they can put an offer down on a new home, and then negotiate that timeline with the other sellers. Remember, making a move is not only about the buyer taking possession of a new home, but also about the sellers figuring out their situation as well.
- Sale Price – unfortunately for buyers, in the eyes of most sellers, “money talks.” So, in a non-competitive situation, a seller might be happy to just get one offer at a price that was within the desired range. As soon as another interested buyer enters the equation, it can become a little bit like RuPaul’s Drag Race, and one will have to lip sync for one’s life, honey! And only one buyer will get to hear the words, “condragulations!”
- Tone/Vibes/Energy in the Room – Remember: Human beings are emotional creatures. All of us have feelings. And all of us want to put energy into situations where we feel appreciated, where a level of self-awareness exists, and a sense that each side is trying one’s hardest to act in good faith. The best transactions I saw were where a little grace was the “grease on the wheels” of the transaction. Occasionally, a buyer had cold feet and wanted to see the unit a few more times before the settlement date, or a seller forgot to scrub the bathroom with a little extra elbow grease before the settlement date. Life happens; misunderstandings can occur. A wise therapist once said: “You don’t have to like it, but can you allow it?” The tone of one or both parties in the transaction can be what seals the deal, or results in one party exiting the contract. (In the case of the dirty bathroom, the seller left a check with the title company for the buyer to pay a housekeeper to come clean what they couldn’t.)
Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. He can be reached at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].
Real Estate
Signs you’ve outgrown self-management of your D.C. rental
Keeping up with local regulations is a struggle
According to rental market statistics from RentCafe, Washington, D.C., remains at the top of the most popular cities for rental properties. With a strong rental market and a growing population, success should be second nature to real estate investors and rental property owners in this area.
As a self-manager of your own rental, if you’re not enjoying the profitability and the earnings that this market can provide, it might be time to look for professional management.
There are certain signs that show property owners have outgrown self-management. We’re exploring those today, and inviting DIY landlords to consider the benefits that come with a partnership with a professional property management company in Washington, D.C.
Washington, D.C., is known for having a complex and ever-changing regulatory environment. There are strict tenant rights, rent control laws, and specific rules related to property maintenance such as mold, lead based paint hazards, among others. The Rental Housing Act of 1985 is strictly enforced, and under this program, there are specific rules regarding rent adjustments, dispute resolution, and eviction protections.
Fair housing laws need complete compliance, security deposits have strict timelines, and habitability standards are in place to ensure tenants are living in a home that’s safe and well-maintained.
Staying on top of these rules can be time-consuming and difficult. Violating even a small regulation unintentionally can result in fines or legal action. It’s critical to stay compliant, and if you find yourself struggling to keep up with the evolving laws and regulations, it’s a clear sign that you may need professional help. Property managers can reduce the risk and liability of making a legal mistake.
Financial Returns are Underwhelming
A lot of self-managing landlords choose to lease, manage, and maintain their own properties because they don’t want to pay a management fee. We get it. Keeping more of your money seems like the best way to increase profitability.
But, here’s the reality of it: property managers can help you earn more and spend less on your investment, increasing your earnings and your ROI. In fact, a good property manager can often earn enough additional net revenue for the owner to pay for that fee over a year.
Property managers are experienced at maximizing the financial performance of rental properties. We can help:
- Optimize rental income
- Reduce vacancy rates
- Lower maintenance costs through established vendor relationships
- Recommend improvements for higher values
Ultimately, a good property manager will ensure that your property is being run efficiently. We will use our expertise to ensure your property is earning what it should.
Maintenance and Repairs Are Taking Up Too Much Time
Maintenance challenges are not unique to self-managing rental property owners. We deal with them, too, as professional property managers. We respond to plumbing issues and appliance malfunctions, we take calls in the middle of the night when a sewer is backing up, and we work hard to protect properties against deterioration and general wear and tear.
This can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to finding vendors and service professionals that are both affordable and provide quality service. Plumbers, electricians, HVAC technicians, and even landscapers and cleaners are in high demand in Washington, D.C. But maintenance at your rental property cannot wait. It’s essential to the value and condition of your investment as well as to the product you are selling.
It’s time to work with a professional property manager if you’re having trouble finding vendors or if you’re struggling to keep up with maintenance requests. We have systems for emergency responses, routine repairs, and preventative services.
Tenant Screening Is Becoming More Difficult and Time-Consuming
Finding good tenants is one of the most critical aspects of rental property management. But in our home of Washington, D.C. we have one of the most regulated rental markets in the country. The tenant screening process has become increasingly complex, highly restricted, and time-intensive.
Many property owners are surprised to learn that there are more limitations than ever on what can be screened, what information can be used in making a decision whom to rent to, and how screening decisions must be documented. Federal and local laws tightly regulate the use of credit histories, criminal background records, income verification, and even eviction records. Staying compliant is not optional. Failure to follow these rules can open the door to discrimination claims, administrative complaints, substantial fines, or even lawsuits.
That’s why rushing or relying on outdated methods can easily result in selecting the wrong resident or worse, unintentionally violating DC’s Human Rights Act or federal Fair Housing laws.
Problematic tenants often become evident only after move-in: lease breaks, chronic late payments, noise complaints, and property damage. When these patterns appear repeatedly, it is often a sign that the screening process is not sufficiently structured.
Why Professional Screening Matters
Professional property managers have systems in place to perform thorough, legally compliant screening while avoiding oversteps that could violate the regulations. Professional property managers use trusted screening platforms and follow written processes that keep owners protected and ensure fairness for applicants.
Columbia Property Management’s screening process includes:
- Credit Report Review
Evaluating credit patterns, payment reliability, and debt load while complying with restrictions on how data can be used. - Rental History Verification
Contacting prior landlords and reviewing national eviction databases—keeping in mind that some jurisdictions like the District of Columbia limit how far back eviction data can be seen, must less considered. - Background ChecksReviewing public records in a manner consistent with DC’s Human Rights Act and federal guidance on criminal history usage. Not all criminal records can be considered in rental decisions, and timing rules often apply.
- Income & Employment Verification
Confirming applicants can afford the rent and other monthly expenses based on their income, without ruling out certain income in a discriminatory way (e.g., vouchers, subsidies, or lawful alternative forms of income). There are many intentional steps conducted by professional property managers under a framework that ensures decisions are based on objective criteria, applied consistently, and fully aligned with the latest federal and DC regulations.
Your Property Is Sitting Vacant for Longer Periods
While current rental market dynamics are starting to show the effects of federal workforce layoffs and the worsening local economy, the vacancy rate in Washington, D.C., is relatively low, compared to the national average. According to a news report from WTOP, the local vacancy rate is just 6%, and there are an average of seven applications for every available rental unit.
A vacant rental property can quickly become a financial drain. Whether you own a condo near Dupont Circle or a single-family home in one of Capitol Hill’s neighborhoods, every day your property sits empty means lost income. While the D.C. market is generally competitive, the reality is that there are always fluctuations in demand based on seasons, neighborhood desirability, and even economic trends.
If you’re struggling to fill your rental quickly, it might be a sign that you need to re-evaluate your approach. An experienced property management company has a marketing strategy in place to keep vacancy periods as short as possible. From professional photos and listings to leveraging established networks, they can help ensure that your property is rented quickly, reducing the amount of time it sits vacant.
While managing a rental property in Washington, D.C., can be rewarding, it’s also challenging. As your property portfolio grows or the demands of your life or the demands of being a landlord increase, it’s helpful to recognize when it’s time to step back and let a professional handle the day-to-day tasks.
From navigating complex local regulations to ensuring your property remains occupied and well-maintained, there are many reasons why rental property owners in Washington, D.C., outgrow self-management. If any of these signs resonate with you, consider partnering with a property management company like ours to ensure that your rental investment continues to thrive without the stress and burnout of self-management.
We’d love to be your Washington, D.C., property management partner and resource. Please contact us at 888-857-6594 or ColumbiaPM.com
Scott Bloom is owner and Senior Property Manager, Columbia Property Management.
Advice
My federal worker husband is depressed and I don’t know how to help
I feel like he’s dragging me into his hopelessness
Dear Michael,
My husband is a federal worker. Many of his colleagues took “the fork” or have been fired. So work has been overwhelming. He usually works late. The morale in his office is terrible. His paycheck disappeared with the shutdown although due to the specifics of his job, he still had to go in. He’s gotten increasingly depressed, irritable, and short-tempered.
I met Jason 20 years ago when we were young, and one of the things that made me fall in love with him was his idealism. He came to Washington because he wanted to contribute to the well-being of our country.
When I look at him now, it’s like he’s been through the wringer. He’s lost his idealism, feels unappreciated by our country, and is becoming bitter.
He never wants to go out with friends. Either he doesn’t want to hear them complain about the same sorts of things he’s experiencing, or he doesn’t want to have to interact with people who are doing just fine, job-wise.
He also doesn’t feel like going out, just the two of us. So we’re home a lot. But we’re not spending time together when we’re at home. He’s surfing the internet, doom-scrolling, or playing video games.
I can’t get him to talk to me; he says, “I don’t want to talk about anything, it just makes me feel worse.” I can’t get him to do anything that might help him feel better. He doesn’t want to cook dinner with me, he doesn’t want to eat any of his favorite foods that I make for him, he won’t go for a walk with our dog (exercise is supposed to help mood, right?).
I’m really worried about him. Clearly, he’s depressed, and nothing I am trying is helping him to feel better.
But in addition, I am starting to get annoyed. How much more can I try to do things for him that he doesn’t respond to and doesn’t appreciate?
I’ve been OK through this long slog, so far, but now I feel like I am being sucked into his depression and hopelessness. I’m starting to feel like giving up. I’m lonely and I miss my husband and I am despairing that he’s ever really going to come back.
In short, now I hate my life, too.
I’m not going anywhere but I am worried that my main feeling toward him is starting to be apathy. Is there something I can do to help him that I haven’t thought of?
Michael replies:
I’m sorry, this is such a rough time.
It’s understandable that when someone you love is suffering and feeling miserable, you might at times get fed up and feel like pulling away.
There’s a great saying by an ancient Jewish sage, Rabbi Tarfon: While you can’t fix the whole world, that doesn’t mean you should give up and do nothing to help.
I thought of that saying as I read your letter, because while you can’t get Jason to change his mood or take action on his own behalf, you may have some ability to help him.
Similarly, while you can’t have a fantastic time in life when your husband is in a miserable place, you can take care of yourself and likely have a better life than you are having at present.
For starters, I encourage you to keep reminding yourself that this is without doubt one of the hardest periods of your husband’s life. So it’s a very good idea to have an open heart and a lot of compassion for Jason, as much of the time as you can. This won’t be easy. Strive to keep in mind that getting angry at Jason or frustrated with him won’t help.
Don’t try to insist that Jason do anything. Often, when we push someone to do something that they don’t want to do, this just results in their digging in more. People generally don’t like to be nagged.
Of course you can ask Jason if he’d like to join you for a walk, or an outing, but tread carefully. You can advocate for what you’d like, but Jason gets to decide what he wants to do.
You can certainly ask Jason what he would like from you, especially when he’s complaining. I love the “3 H’s” concept: Would he like you to hear (simply listen)? Would he like help (advice on what to do)? Or would he just like a hug?
The best message you can send to Jason, by your presence and by an ongoing loving stance, is “I am here. You’re not alone.” Even when he wants to stay in the basement playing video games. You’re not criticizing him and you’re not judging him. Maybe you’re baking some cookies you both like and leaving him a plateful to eat if and when he wants to. (Be sure to treat yourself to some, as well.)
In terms of bigger interventions, you can suggest that Jason meet with a therapist, or meet with his physician to discuss the possibility of an antidepressant to help him through this awful period. For example, you might have a sincere conversation where you say something like this:
“I’m worried about you. I really want to encourage you to get some help. My love for you can only go so far, and while I’m not going anywhere, I’d like you to take seriously how miserable you are. I’m here to encourage you that maybe you could feel better, even though your circumstances are terrible and you feel disillusioned.”
Again, trying to convince or force Jason to take action will likely go nowhere useful.
Now let’s focus on you. Living with a depressed spouse can be a miserable, soul-crushing experience. As you described, you’re watching the person you love suffer, and you’re pretty much losing your partner in so many of the things that make life enjoyable.
Part of getting through this is to acknowledge that there is a limit to what you can do for Jason. And part of it is to strengthen your commitment to self-care. Taking care of yourself may keep you from going too far into misery or resentment. He doesn’t want to get together with a friend? Consider going anyway, and do your best to have at least a good time. Same thing with a dog walk, a good meal, or sitting down to watch a movie you’d like to see. You might also consider meeting with a therapist for ongoing support and strategizing.
While this period of your life is gruelingly difficult, try to remember that it likely will come to an end, that there will likely be good times ahead for you and for Jason, and that in the meantime, doing your best to find ways to take care of yourself while also being a supportive and loving spouse will help you to survive.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
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In real estate, trust the process
