Advice

How to keep your hands on the steering wheel of your life

Pay attention to yourself and strive to pause before you act

Published

2 years ago

December 22, 2023

Control your temper but set boundaries when dealing with conflict.

What do you do when your partner snaps at you, big time, after you’ve already had a hard day? Do you snap back, which may feel great in the moment, but might lead to a rotten evening? Or do you find some way to calm yourself and see if you can stay connected?

What do you do when your friends all seem to have a strong opinion about something important to you and you strongly disagree with them? Do you speak up and risk their censure? Or do you stay silent, go along with the crowd, perhaps keep your friends, but betray your beliefs?

What do you do when someone close to you presses you to take some action that you wouldn’t respect yourself for doing? Do you disappoint them, or disappoint yourself?

Many of us lack any sort of plan or guiding philosophy for how we would handle character-defining moments under pressure. Instead, we react, out of fear or anxiety or anger.

My view is, our lives go better when we’re thoughtful about how we respond to the hard stuff. When we do what we believe is right, even when doing so is difficult, we tend to respect ourselves—and like ourselves better.

There’s a name for this approach: Differentiation—the ability to hold your own shape and behave in a way that your respect even when there’s outside pressure not to.

Holding a differentiated stance means staying as calm as you can in tough situations. It means standing up for what you believe is important even when there are consequences. It means operating with integrity. Differentiation is a necessary ingredient for any solid relationship, including romantic relationships, friendships, being a parent, and being adult sons and daughters to our parents.

Aspiring to hold a differentiated stance is always worthwhile, though it is not always achievable and is definitely not a steady state. Something or someone (often someone close to us) will frequently press our buttons and throw us off. That’s just the way life goes. My advice when this happens: don’t get discouraged. Differentiation is more a journey than a destination.

How can you get better at keeping your hands on the steering wheel of your life? You start by paying attention to yourself and striving to pause before you act. Yes, it is almost that simple.

Viktor Frankl wrote, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

In that pause, ask yourself why you’re having the reaction you’re having. When you have some understanding of what’s going on inside, you have more power over your response.

Also in that pause, strive to calm yourself as best you can. This will give you some bandwidth to focus on how you would like to respond, rather than simply reacting.

Of course, calming yourself is hard to do when you’re anxious or angry. Yet there are many ways to calm down even a little, including taking a short break from the interaction to collect your thoughts, or taking some slow, deep breaths. One powerful way to get a grip is to remind yourself, “I’m likely to respect myself a lot more if I can do what I think is right.”

Now your mind may be calm enough to think about how you want to respond. Yes, screaming may sometimes be the way to go, but escalating a personal conflict usually takes us nowhere good.

Here’s a question to ask yourself, not only in these moments, but all the time: “What would it mean for me to be a spouse/parent/friend/person whom I admire?” Answering this question gives you a standard you can aspire to reach and that you don’t want to sink below.

A related point especially for couples, but with wide applicability: Many people come into my office certain that it’s the other person’s fault that things go awry. I always tell them that no matter whom they think “started it,” it is each of their jobs, individually, to hold themselves together and respond from the best in themselves.

This means striving to avoid being the “winner.” Here’s an alternative: Be generous whenever possible; while also maintaining a boundary when it’s important to you, and accepting the other person’s having boundaries that are important to them. And remember: We all have to tolerate, be close to, and live with people who are very different from us in important ways.

Striving to be well-differentiated helps us develop into stronger and more resilient people. The more we work at responding in ways that we admire to our challenges and difficulties, the better we get at dealing with all the stuff that life throws at us, which makes this ride more tolerable, interesting, and even enjoyable.

And when we can look at the challenges we face as giving us strength and helping to give our lives meaning, our challenges may become easier to bear.

Wishing you a good new year.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Related Topics:Advice anger management anxiety

Up Next

When one half of a couple wants kids and the other doesn’t

Don't Miss

Making excuses to stay single

FUND LGBTQ JOURNALISM

Advice

Sexual desire is waning, should we open our relationship?

Couple faces difficult choices after seven years

Published

1 week ago

November 2, 2025

Michael Radkowsky

Waning sexual interest is a problem that affects most longterm couples. (Photo by Wavebreak Media/Bigstock)

Dear Michael,

When I met my husband seven years ago, I was super attracted to him and we had a really hot sex life.

That feeling has been waning for a while and now I am just not feeling it.

I know that people get older, gain weight, get less attractive over time but that’s not the case here. Ben is as good looking as ever. But I have little desire to have sex with him.

It bothers me that I don’t really want to have sex with the guy I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

Is this why everyone else I know has an open relationship? Is there something I can do to want to have sex with my husband again?

This is causing major problems in my marriage. I don’t initiate anymore and half the time I find an excuse to not have sex when Ben initiates. He knows something is up but I usually blame it on work stress or not feeling well. I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Aside from this, I love Ben and we have a lot of fun together. We’re very close, talk about all sorts of stuff, but not this.

Michael replies:

Pretty much everyone in a long-term relationship has to deal with decreased desire at some point.

Sex changes after you’ve been with your partner for a while. Sex is not going to be as easy, hot, and irresistible as it was at the beginning of the relationship. Newness generates a lot of the sexual heat at the outset of a relationship, and when the newness is gone, you don’t easily feel the same sizzling excitement that you felt when you first met.

Unfortunately, the kind of sex that people have at the beginning of a relationship is totally glorified in our culture as the gold standard of sex.

I say “unfortunately” because it’s not possible to consistently have the hot sex of a new relationship, ongoing, with a long-term partner. So if you think that is the best or only kind of sex to have, you will be contemptuous of anything else, and you will be disappointed in your sex life with your partner as time marches on.

But the sizzling sex people have at the start of a relationship is just one way to have sex. If you are willing to be imaginative, and are open to change, there are many other kinds of sex that can be wonderful.

How about sex for emotional connection? Sex for physical closeness? Sex for romance? Sex to celebrate just being together?

So, consider changing (not lowering!) your expectations. Rather than sulking or moping that you don’t want to spontaneously jump Ben’s bones, be open to having sex with your husband that is based more on your relationship and on your love for each other.

Now, here’s a whole other angle to consider: While the excitement of a new partner often fades, there are still ways to generate excitement and passion in a long-term relationship by taking risks and revealing yourself more deeply. Stick with me and I’ll explain.

You haven’t said anything to Ben about your waning interest. I encourage you to re-think this. You would be much better positioned to tackle this issue collaboratively. Not talking about how stuck you feel is likely to deepen your feeling of shame and fear that something is wrong. Speaking with Ben about what is actually a fairly common couples’ issue could be a relief.
Ironic as this may seem, the closer two people are, the less comfortable they may be being frankly sexual with each other. Clients often tell me that they are more comfortable expressing their real desires to someone they hardly know (or don’t know at all) than to their significant other. For one thing, the more your partner means to you, the more you may fear rejection if you reveal sexual feelings and desires that might upset or even shock your partner. For another, as couples get closer, sex may start to feel like too much closeness, and avoiding sex may be a way to create some space.

Not speaking up about what is important keeps you distant from your partner and drains your relationship of vitality. A powerful antidote to this: work toward becoming a person who can take risks, tolerate discomfort and uncertainty, and be able stand on your own when you don’t get your partner’s validation.

Talking with Ben, whether it’s about your lack of spontaneous desire for sex, or about sexual interests you may be keeping from him for fear of judgment, would involve your making uncomfortable moves that might lead to Ben’s judgment or even rejection. But doing so would also, of course, allow the possibility of more happening between you sexually. It would also let Ben know you better, thereby deepening the level of intimacy in your relationship. Making these moves could also be inherently exciting, which —guess what—could help to shake you out of your sexual doldrums and bring more passion and life into your relationship.

Similarly, you might start initiating. Even if you’re afraid it won’t go well and even if you’re not feeling it. That is the only way you are going to figure out how to have satisfying long-term sex. Take the need for an erection or orgasm off the table. Sex with your partner should not be a performance. Go for closeness, connection, and what feels good. And challenge yourself to go places that you are uncomfortable about going.

If any of this intrigues you, “Passionate Marriage” and “Intimacy and Desire,” both by David Schnarch, explore how your sexual connection can deepen over time in a long-term relationship.

Finally, with regard to your considering an open relationship as a remedy: Do you think that would enhance the sexual connection between you and Ben?

Advice

My boyfriend dumped me because I moved too fast

How do I move on when I’m sad all the time?

Published

1 month ago

September 27, 2025

Michael Radkowsky

After getting dumped it’s important to get back out there and be social. (Photo by wombatzaa/Bigstock)

Dear Michael,

My boyfriend dumped me in April and I can’t get past it. I’m sad all the time and I’m always thinking about Leo, our time together, and how I ruined things. I pushed for too much, too quickly, and I’m afraid I came across as desperate.

Leo was my idea of a great boyfriend. He’s sexy, he’s funny, he loves travel and going out dancing (both of which I love).

He told me when we started dating that he liked keeping things light. That was OK with me. I barely knew him and didn’t know that I would want anything serious. But as I got to know him, my feelings changed.

When he broke up with me, he told me he wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship he thought I wanted. All I had done was suggest that we go to Europe together for a fun summer vacation. We had been going out for three months and I thought we were in a good place. I wish I had waited. Maybe he would have been ready for more.

He was really a great guy and now I screwed up. How do I move on from Leo’s leaving me, when it’s clear that he would have been a fantastic partner?

I want to stop berating myself for screwing this up. But I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.

Michael replies:

Leo wouldn’t have been a fantastic partner, because he didn’t want the kind of relationship you were hoping for.

You didn’t do anything wrong by liking a guy and wanting to take the relationship to a deeper level. That’s how relationships progress — or don’t. You have to take a chance. And if the other person isn’t interested, he isn’t interested.

But in this case, Leo gave you advance notice that he didn’t want anything serious. And yet, you’re relentlessly berating yourself for making a mess of things, thinking that if only you had paced yourself better, Leo would have come around.

I think the key issue here is that you see yourself through a lens distorted by self-criticism, focused on regret and loss. Many of us frequently look at our lives through a lens that distorts reality. “I’m unlovable”, “I always screw up”, and “I can’t trust anyone” are some I hear a lot.

Such lenses likely develop in part from early, and big, life experiences; and in part we learn them from our parents and important caregivers.

Having some understanding of why you berate yourself for screwing up your life when you didn’t, might help you take this belief less seriously. And even without understanding why your mind tends to go in this direction, simply reminding yourself that you are looking through a distorted lens could help you to see clearly.

Now, here are some practical assists to stop lamenting and get yourself into reality.

• Strive to notice when you’re falling into the whirlpool of longing and regret, and do your best, every time, to pull yourself into the present. One way to do this: focus on the minute details of the reality around you. For example, sitting in your chair, feel the back of the chair behind you, the feel of the floor on your feet, the sounds coming into the room, the way the light plays on various objects around you. The more you do this, the easier it will likely get to shift into the present.

• Push yourself to do the things that you have enjoyed in the past, even if you don’t feel like getting out of bed or off your couch. You may be wishing you were with Leo when you’re traveling or out dancing, but it’s still better to be living than simply pining. And when you go into your Leo reverie, do your best to pull yourself back into the present (see above).

• On a similar note: Get out and spend time with people. If you’re concerned about being lonely, this is the way to proceed. Making yourself feel bad and like a loser isn’t going to bring Leo back. It just makes you unhappy, and poor relationship material.

While I hope my reply is helpful, I think you could use ongoing support, given your entrenched negative view of yourself. Please consider finding a therapist to help you grieve, move forward, and stop knifing yourself.

Advice

Closeted and confused about the gay scene

I just want to be seen as me

Published

2 months ago

August 30, 2025

Michael Radkowsky

Being closeted has led to feelings of isolation. (Photo by OSTILL/Bigstock)

Michael,

I’m having a hard time with being gay and I wonder why everyone seems to “get it” but me. I’m only 24 but I feel like I’m living a 1950s gay man’s life: Lonely and feeling bad about myself.

My issue isn’t religious (I didn’t grow up with any strong religious faith or proscriptions). It’s just that I can’t get rid of the feeling that there’s something wrong with being gay.

From a basic biological point of view, being gay doesn’t make any sense. The real purpose of sex is for procreation. So I feel like a dud from that angle.

Also, I feel like I’m part of a weird minority. Most people are straight, the world is set up for them, that’s what’s considered normal. I don’t want people to see me through a stereotyped lens of how they think gay people are, or how gay people act. I don’t want to be seen as “queer” or strange in some way. I just want to be seen as me.

I hate feeling different from all my friends. I haven’t told any of them and that’s depressing too. I don’t think they’d reject me but I think they’d see me differently and probably back off some. I’m feeling lots of distance because I’m keeping this thing secret.

In any case, being gay IS making me different. Just for an obvious example, I don’t share my guy friends’ interest in women so when that is what they’re talking about, I feel lonely and fake.

Besides that, I just don’t vibe with gay life. I don’t like nonstop hooking up, or staying up all night dancing and getting smashed.

I have been with some guys, but after I have sex I feel bad about myself because I just find myself dwelling on the negatives and wishing I were straight. Life would be much easier. So I don’t have much sex. I’m lonely from that angle too.

I don’t know if you have any ideas to help me make some peace with the hand I’ve been dealt.

Michael replies:

I’m glad you would like to make your peace with being gay.

The consensus is that sexual orientation is not changeable. So hating something about yourself that you cannot change is accomplishing nothing, except for making you miserable.

Of course, knowing that intellectually, and doing something about it, are two different things.

Being gay is not easy. You may hear terrible things about gay people and absorb these negative beliefs even before you think you might be gay. You grow up feeling (and yes, being) different from everyone around you. You may worry about or experience rejection (or worse) from those you are closest to. The list goes on and on.

So, of course, the road to self-acceptance is often not easy. Negative feelings about being gay can have very deep roots.

If you are going to get to a better place, it won’t just happen. You have to begin taking action on your own behalf. Two suggestions for a place to start: Commit to challenging your negative thoughts about being gay, perhaps simply by telling yourself whenever these thoughts come up that you want to be kind to yourself; and start looking for connections with people who run at (or close to) your speed. Neither of these are solutions, but they may help you begin to move away from self-denigration and loneliness.

A few thoughts to mull over in response to some of the big concerns you raise:

You don’t have to live your life in any particular way. All gay men aren’t the same. If you don’t like partying, you don’t have to party. The “scene” is big and it’s what people mainly see. But there are many gay men who want a non-scene life. I am hopeful you can find some of them, to alleviate your feeling of being alone.

Yes, sex can be for procreation, but it serves other functions: Pleasure, for one, and a way to express all sorts of feelings for another person, including profound closeness. (And of course, it has been possible to procreate without sex between a man and a woman for quite a while.)

It is possible for a gay man to have a life that includes close connections to straight friends—perhaps closer than you are now experiencing, given that you are keeping a big secret. One question to ask yourself: To what extent are your fears about your friends’ reactions to knowing you’re gay influenced by your negative feelings about being gay?

One response from an advice column has very limited power to help you make a big shift in how you view yourself. So I urge you to get ongoing support. Find a therapist to talk to on a regular basis, someone who will listen to your concerns, help you to deal with your fears, and encourage you to challenge your negative beliefs, so that you can construct a fulfilling life and stop feeling bad about who you are.