Living

Back to School

How it got better at American University

Published

11 years ago

May 10, 2013

Fay Jacobs, American University, gay news, Washington Blade

Fay Jacobs (AU, circa 1970) strumming in the dorm, at a very different time for gay students. (Photo courtesy of Jacobs)

Editor’s note: This is the third installment in our “Back To School” series assessing the LGBT climate on university campuses as told by alumni we’re pairing with current students to tell their stories. This week: Fay Jacobs and American University. Visit washingtonblade.com for previous installments.

On May 4, 1970, when the tragedy at Kent State burst onto the screen, Neil Young wrote the unforgettable anti-war lyrics “Tin soldiers and Nixon’s coming.” Fay Jacobs, a senior at American University was accustomed to participating in anti-war rallies on campus in front of the Mary Graydon Center. The news came only twice daily back then — broadcast on console TVs the size of today’s Mini Cooper. But the pot boiled over the next day on Cinco de Mayo with AU students protesting more vociferously than ever. Typically, the protests were handled by campus police, but this time, the D.C. police showed up with noxious tear gas.

Jacobs was in rehearsal for a French Operetta in the campus theater. When the tear gas missed the activists and landed on the steps of the theater, the actors, singers, musicians and men in tights all went running in different directions.

“I hid in the bushes with my pal Rob,” she recalls. “It was all very frightening. Except for the guys in tights running amok. Come on, that’s funny.”

You’d expect nothing less from a renowned comedy writer who’s published two books: “As I Lay Frying” and “Fried and True” — a woman whose favorite movie was “Funny Girl” and whose father taught her that no experience should be considered bad if you can tell a good story about it later. And so we sit to talk about her experiences at AU “back in the day” and the trek that brought her out of the closet and into the bright light of lesbianism.

It would be decades before Melissa Etheridge would walk across fire for another woman. So, like most of us in those days without visible gays, Jacobs focused on textbooks and the bard, lived isolated in the closet, conforming to hetero ideals and dated men.

Her focus was on politics and social justice. Long before RFK was a stadium named in memoriam, she campaigned for Robert F. Kennedy, the man. She vividly recalls the candlelight vigil the night Martin Luther King, Jr. was murdered. And the many war protests. She could wage a full-throated protest against the war but remain mute about the war within. It was just too risky. Her own struggle for authenticity would be deferred for a decade, until after she graduated and kicked down the closet door.

Salina Rivera, American University, gay news, Washington Blade

Salina Rivera (class of 2014) benefits from an LGBT student center on campus. (Photo by Josh Halprin)

AU senior Salina Rivera stands on the same steps of Mary Graydon Center 43 years later and points north.

“My girlfriend and I live about a five-minute walk that way,” she says. Ironically, it’s not far from where Jacobs’ closet was. Out since age 13, and so grateful for her loving parents, she’s only sorry that her father died before she could tell him.

“He was a corrections officer in that male-dominated environment, and yet he never made me feel odd for being the Tom Boy,” Rivera said. “We always played basketball together. I know he’d understand me.” After his untimely death, her mother carried the torch of accepting parent and is, today, Rivera’s straight hero. “I have never met a stronger, more loving person.”

With such solid loving support, the Bronx native blossomed. She was class president in high school and today she is proud to be one of seven founding sisters of AU’s chapter of the lesbian Gamma Rho Lambda sorority — one of five LGBTQ organizations on campus. Her queer peers can join other active organizations and have access to “Safe Space 2.0” and a course named “Trans 101.” She and her girlfriend attend campus events together — usually rallies for social justice. Holding hands. Ho hum. “It’s hard to believe students were ever in the closet here at AU,” Rivera said. “It’s so progressive and inclusive today, but I realize it’s a privilege not to be taken lightly.”

Erin Fuller, immediate past president of the AU Alumni Association, and a straight ally agreed.

“As a student in the 80’s, I watched in awe this year as the campus greeted the coming out of their immediate past president of student government as a transgender person with a collective, supportive shrug. I see the amazing work that the entire division of Student Life does to support everyone from first-generation college attendees to students celebrating their cultural, ethnic and sexual identities, and it makes me incredibly proud to be a part of something so wonderful and so important.”

In hindsight, Jacobs’ life blossomed quickly after she came out. She’s not at all bitter about the late start in life and that in her 31st year, it was time to write her own story. Today she’s driving back to her home in Rehoboth Beach from Dover, Del., where she’s celebrating the movement toward marriage equality with her straight hero, Delaware Gov. Jack Markell. She’s a local celebrity in Rehoboth. Her zany wife Bonnie is the love of her life and the subject of many of her regular columns in Letters from CAMP Rehoboth. From their madcap adventures in the RV, to their frequent visits to the ER, Jacobs chronicles their hysterical antics.

It wasn’t always a bed of roses for Jacobs. Shortly after graduation she married Bob, a classmate, who made a living playing the accordion. It wasn’t long before they both knew something was amiss. I ask if they got together after the break up to watch Lawrence Welk, where accordions ruled.

“No, I moved on, man-free and accordion-less.”

Barbara Gittings, the lesbian activist who picketed the White House in 1967 and founded Daughters of Bilitis is her gay hero.

“She was relentless, brave, determined and most importantly, a heck of a lot of fun,” Jacobs said. Pre-Stonewall, Barbara was one of several brave souls that demonstrated each year on the Fourth of July in Philadelphia. Asked about her gay hero, Rivera thinks for a moment and then points to the office of the coordinator of the LGBTQ Center where we are chatting: “It would be Matt Bruno. He’s unbelievable. Whether it’s help with a cover letter or a fight with my girlfriend, he’s always there for me.”

The Center of campus has an interesting story. Mary Graydon was a generous benefactor of AU until her death in 1926. She’s famous for focusing on the education of women, once saying, “I prefer to put money into brains rather than stone and mortar.” And so after many years of supporting women’s academics, the university honored her with stone and mortar. Her famous building is considered the center of campus and houses our LGBTQ Center.

Salina is reading Jacobs’ current column about how tiring the marriage fight is when you’re 60 something.

“I think Fay needs to come here and put her feet up and let us do some of the heavy lifting now,” Rivera said. She is planning to host Jacobs for a reading of her short stories in the LGBTQ Center this fall. Time has moved on. Jacobs graduated and came out. Nixon’s long gone. “Tin soldiers” include LGBT citizens. Nixon once lamented that “you can’t appreciate the view from the mountaintop until you’ve been in the darkest valley.” For entirely different reasons, Jacobs can relate.

So, hosted by Rivera and her queer peers, Jacobs can prop her feet up on Matt’s desk in a center that didn’t exist in her day. Holding her wife’s hand, she will read aloud her AU/GayU retrospective: “The tear gas was scary. I hid in the bushes for the riot and in the closet by necessity. But there were these men in tights running hither and yon and somehow I knew this story would be funny one day.”

Jacobs’ dad would be proud of her finding a good story in this. Mary Graydon’s investment in the brain trust of AU’s women has paid off in both gray matter and stone and mortar. We will tell our own stories from an LGBTQ Center.

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Real Estate

The rise of virtual home tours

Adapting to changing consumer preferences in spring real estate

Published

2 days ago

April 26, 2024

Jeff Hammerberg

Looking for a home? Virtual tours hold special benefits for queer buyers.

In today’s dynamic real estate market, the spring season brings not only blooming flowers but also a surge of activity as buyers and sellers alike prepare to make their moves. However, in recent years, there’s been a notable shift in how consumers prefer to explore potential homes: the rise of virtual tours.

For the LGBTQ community, these virtual experiences offer more than just convenience; they provide accessibility, safety, and inclusivity in the home buying process.

Gone are the days of spending weekends driving from one open house to another – unless that’s your thing of course, only to find that the property doesn’t quite match expectations. With virtual tours, you can explore every corner of a home from the comfort of your own space – find something interesting? Schedule a showing with any LGBTQ Realtor at GayRealEstate.com.

This is particularly significant for LGBTQ individuals, who may face unique challenges or concerns when attending in-person showings. Whether it’s the ability to discreetly view properties without fear of discrimination or the convenience of touring homes located in LGBTQ-friendly neighborhoods across the country, virtual tours offer a sense of empowerment and control in the home buying process.

Moreover, virtual tours cater to the diverse needs of the LGBTQ community. For couples or families with busy schedules or those living in different cities or states, these digital walkthroughs provide a convenient way to view properties together without the need for extensive travel. Additionally, for individuals who may be exploring their gender identity or transitioning, virtual tours offer a low-pressure environment to explore potential living spaces without the added stress of in-person interactions.

At GayRealEstate.com, we understand the importance of adapting to changing consumer preferences and leveraging technology to better serve our community. That’s why our agents offer an extensive selection of virtual tours for LGBTQ individuals and allies alike – visit our website, choose an agent and within minutes you’ll have access to the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) via their website.

From cozy condominiums in bustling urban centers to sprawling estates in picturesque suburbs, virtual tours showcase a wide range of properties tailored to diverse tastes and lifestyles.

In addition to virtual tours, GayRealEstate.com provides comprehensive resources and support to guide LGBTQ buyers and sellers through every step of the real estate journey. Our network of LGBTQ-friendly agents is committed to providing personalized service, advocacy, and representation to ensure that all individuals feel respected, valued, and empowered throughout the process. Plus, we are happy to provide a free relocation kit to any city in the USA or Canada if you are a home buyer.

As we embrace the spring season and all the opportunities it brings in the real estate market, let’s also celebrate the power of virtual tours to revolutionize the way we find and experience our future homes. Whether you’re searching for your first apartment, forever home, or investment property, GayRealEstate.com is here to help you navigate the exciting world of real estate with confidence, pride, and inclusivity.

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at [email protected].

Advice

Should I divorce my husband for the hot new guy in our building?

Debating whether to leave or stay after the sex goes cold

Published

2 days ago

April 26, 2024

Michael Radkowsky

Dear Michael,

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and the sex is pretty much gone. It stopped being exciting a long time ago and pretty much the only time we ever do it is with the occasional third.

A really hot guy moved into our building about a year ago. We would see each other sometimes in the elevator or at our building’s gym and we started talking and really hit it off. Mark is 15 years younger than I but we seem to have a lot in common. We started hooking up and the sex is amazing.

I haven’t told my husband because it’s breaking our rule about no repeats. I have to say that the secrecy is hot. It’s kind of a thrill to take the elevator upstairs when I say I’m going on an errand. But it’s more than that. I have a connection with Mark that is far more amazing than what I have ever felt with my husband. Not just the sex. We just enjoy being together, talking about anything and everything.

My husband went to visit his family last weekend and I spent the whole time with Mark. Since then I can’t stop thinking that I want to leave my husband and be with Mark.

Part of me thinks this is a crazy mid-life crisis. I mean, this kid’s in a totally different place in life. But we have mind-blowing sex and a fantastic connection. I’d like your thoughts on how to proceed.

Michael replies:

You’ve got a lot to consider.

First: Sex with a long-term partner changes over time. It tends to be less about erotic heat and more about the connection with a person whom you love. In other words, it’s being with the person you’re with that makes the sex meaningful and even great. Having a good sexual relationship with a long-term partner comes far more from a heart connection than from a crotch attachment.

Second: You seem ready to throw your relationship under the bus pretty quickly, without addressing other problems in the relationship besides sex. When you are sneaking around, lying, and rule-breaking , I don’t see how you can look your husband in the eye; and if you can’t look him in the eye, you certainly can’t have even a half-way decent relationship.

Yet another point to consider: Affairs pretty much always seem more exciting than marriage. The partner is new, which almost automatically makes the sex hotter; the secrecy is a thrill; and you don’t have to deal with paying the rent, house chores, and all the petty annoyances of living up-close with someone day-in, day-out.

You are bringing lots of energy to your affair, and everything about it is exciting. You are bringing no energy — at least no positive energy — to your marriage. You get what you put into a relationship.

Divorce is not something that should be entered into lightly. Be aware that if you leave your husband for Mark, you will no doubt find over time that the sex becomes less exciting and that the connection is not always fantastic. No surprise, 75 percent of marriages that begin with affair partners end in divorce. While I don’t think statistics predict what will happen to any particular couple, believing that you will have a significantly better relationship with your affair partner than you did with your husband sets you up for likely disappointment.

Many gay men focus on “hot sex” as the big draw, pursuing a lot of sex with a lot of men, and/or pursuing an ongoing series of relationships that last until the sex cools. If that’s what you want, that’s fine. But it’s a different path from pursuing a close and loving long-term relationship, which involves knowing someone well and having him know you well; collaborating on getting through the hard stuff life throws at us; finding ways to make peace with disappointment; and consistently striving to be someone worth being married to.

How to proceed? While you are the only person who should make that decision, I would suggest that whatever your choice, keep in mind that marriage can be more than what you’ve made of it, so far.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Autos

Sport haulers: Jeep Grand Cherokee, Mercedes GLE-Class

Updated cabins, adept handling, and more

Published

1 week ago

April 20, 2024

Joe Phillips

Jeep Grand Cherokee

Now that March Madness and the Masters are over, it’s time for, well, everything else. For my husband and me, this means water sports, as in kayaks and rowing sculls, which is why we trekked to the Potomac for the George Washington Invitational regatta last weekend.

Alas, high winds splashed cold water on the event, canceling much of it. But there was still plenty of spirited camaraderie to rival “The Boys in the Boat.”

And I was reminded of my time years ago as a rower with D.C. Strokes, ferrying teammates to races up and down the East Coast. Back then my ride was a dated, rather cramped four-door sedan.

If only we could have paddled around in a sporty SUV like the two reviewed here. Now that would have been some smooth sailing (wink-wink).

JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE

$40,000

MPG: 19 city/26 highway

0 to 60 mph: 7.5 seconds

Maximum cargo room: 37.7 cu. ft.

PROS: Updated cabin, adept handling, strong towing

CONS: So-so gas mileage, no third row, pricey trim levels

IN A NUTSHELL: Rough, tough and buff. It’s doesn’t get much more butch than a Jeep. This year’s Grand Cherokee is no exception, with rugged looks, expert off-road capability and better-than-average towing capacity of 6,200 pounds.

There are a dizzying number of trim levels—more than a dozen—starting with the barebones base-model Laredo at an affordable $40,000. The lineup tops out with the Summit Reserve 4xe PHEV, which is almost twice the price at $76,000 and one of various plug-in hybrid versions available. Those plug-in hybrids can drive up to 25 miles on all-electric power before the four-cylinder gas engine kicks in. Otherwise, you can choose from a standard V6 or V8. Gas mileage on all trim levels is basically the same as the competition.

Where the Grand Cherokee really shines is in the handling. More refined than a Wrangler but less lavish than a Land Rover, this Jeep maneuvers just as well on city streets and highways as it does on bumpier terrain.

I tested the mid-range and mid-priced Overland, which comes standard with four-wheel drive and large 20-inch wheels. It also boasts a slew of niceties, such as quilted upholstery, panoramic sunroof and high-tech digital displays. These include a 10.25-inch infotainment touchscreen and rear-seat entertainment system.

The nine-speaker Alpine stereo, designed specifically for the Grand Cherokee, is pleasing. But I really wanted to hear the boffo 19-speaker McIntosh surround-sound system that Jeep also offers. Sigh, it’s only available on the premium Summit trim level.

MERCEDES GLE-CLASS

$64,000

MPG: 20 city/25 highway

0 to 60 mph: 6.6 seconds

Maximum cargo room: 33.3 cu. ft.

PROS: Lush interior, silky-smooth suspension, speedy

CONS: Some confusing electronics, tight third row, many competitors

IN A NUTSHELL: For a more high-class hauler, there’s the Mercedes GLE-Class. This midsize SUV is similar in size to the Jeep Grand Cherokee. But instead of seating five passengers, the GLE can carry up to seven. Sure, legroom in the optional third row may be tight for taller travelers, but it’s perfect for a cocky cockswain or two.

Six trim levels, ranging from the base-model GLE 350 to two high-performance AMG models. For eco-conscious buyers, the GLE 450e plug-in hybrid arrived earlier this year and can run on battery power alone for almost 60 miles.

My test car was the top-of-the-line AMG 63 S 4Matic, a head-turner in every way. Priced at a whopping $127,000, this GLE looks best in glossy black with the Night Package, which includes tasteful jet-black exterior accents and matte-black wheels. To complete the Darth Vader effect, there’s a deep, menacing exhaust rumble that’s downright threatening.

You expect such a ride to be wicked fast, and it is: 0 to 60 mph in a blistering 3.7 seconds. Yet the carbon ceramic brakes with their devil-red calipers are equally impressive in slowing things down quickly.

Inside, each GLE comes with two large digital displays on the elegantly sculpted dashboard. My favorite feature is the “Hey Mercedes” digital assistant, which responds to voice commands such as opening or closing the sunroof, operating the infotainment system or activating the climate controls.

It’s hard to find sport seats that are more comfortable, especially with the heavenly massage function (though those massage controls could be a bit more user-friendly.) For AMG models, the seats come with red-contrasting stitching and red seatbelts—a nod to the devilish demeanor under the hood.

Considering all the SUVs available in showrooms, few make quite the splash of a GLE.