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Queery: Stephen Key

The oboist and Britten fan answers 20 gay questions

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Stephen Key, oboe, Benjamin Britten, gay news, Washington Blade
Stephen Key, oboe, Benjamin Britten, gay news, Washington Blade

Stephen Key (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

Stephen Key discovered the works of composer Benjamin Britten about 10 years ago when he and a group of colleagues in Oberlin, Ohio learned the interludes from the opera “Peter Grimes.” He says the music stayed with him.

“They’re very accessible … yet also diverse and challenging to the ear at the same time,” Key says. “He uses a lot of bitonality and interesting rhythms … there are two key centers going on — they just really spoke to me and then when I found out he wrote it for his partner, Peter Pears, that made me even happier that as a gay man, we actually do have some examples of long-term relationships in the early 20th century.”

There are a host of events going on in the region this fall to celebrate the centennial of Britten’s (1913-1976) birth. Friday night, Key will play several of Britten’s works for oboe at Shenandoah Conservatory (1460 University Dr., Winchester, Va.) in the Goodson Chapel Recital Hall at a free 7 p.m. concert. It’s about a 75-minute drive from D.C. Look up “Benjamin Britten: Works for Oboe” on Facebook for details.

Key, a 32-year-old Ada, Okla., native who also grew up in the D.C. area and returned here after a three-year stint in Texas in 2011, says Britten and Pears were “as out as they possibly could be” considering the time. He says Britten’s music holds up because it’s both “approachable and challenging.”

“Britten found that happy point in the middle where he was pushing the envelope of what was possible, but there’s still enough melody and harmonic structure there for you to latch onto,” he says.

Key lives in Fairfax but teaches two days a week at Shenandoah Conservatory. He also freelances with his instrument and hopes to secure more orchestral work.

He’s single and enjoys roller coasters, cooking, food and wine, video games, “pretentious/cerebral” movies, reading and travel in his free time.

 

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?

I came out as a 14-year-old freshman in high school, so I’ve been out for 18 years. The hardest person to tell was a friend who was already OK with gay people, so I was really embarrassed that it took me so long to tell her.

 

Who’s your LGBT hero?

Personally, my older brother, because he made it easier to accept who I am by coming out so brashly before I did. As to public figures, of course, Harvey Milk and the numbers of artists including Aaron Copeland, Benjamin Britten, Samuel Barber and (though closeted) Leonard Bernstein.

What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present? 

I was a Velvet kid, so there will always be a special place in my heart for Nation.

 

Describe your dream wedding.

It would be a compromise between the desires of my future husband and myself.

 

What non-LGBT issue are you most passionate about?

I am passionate about many issues because I am from the political left, coming from Oberlin. These include universal health care, a desire to see socialized post-secondary education, prison reform and re-addressing drug laws, particularly marijuana.

 

What historical outcome would you change?

I would be reticent to change anything because, as an artist, I recognize that sometimes the most beautiful things in the world are exhumed out of the most devastating things.

 

What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?

I don’t pay attention to pop culture, but if I did, I would say it is electing President Obama for the first time.

 

On what do you insist?

Good food and company.

 

What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?

It was about my upcoming Benjamin Britten recital.

 

If your life were a book, what would the title be?

“The Life of an Oboist, from Struggle to Acceptance”

 

If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?

Absolutely nothing, I’m happy the way I am. However, I would be interested to see how far we could go with genetics, epigenetics and genome therapy and how far that could go in helping to cure real problems.

 

What do you believe in beyond the physical world? 

That’s hard for me to answer. I consider myself a struggling atheist. My default position is atheism, but many things in my life have caused me to question that.

 

What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?

Keep doing what you are doing. As a former activist who had to choose a career path, I admire the people who are doing the hard work that has generated so many positive results in the past decade. I look forward to seeing how much more will be done.

 

What would you walk across hot coals for?

A great career and a great marriage.

 

What LGBT stereotype annoys you most?

That we are all polyamorous.

 

What’s your favorite LGBT movie?

I know that this may sound silly, but, “Beautiful Thing” was a movie that I watched when I first came out and it was very approachable for a young gay teen; it made me feel happy to be who I am. I will always have a special place in my heart for that movie.

 

What’s the most overrated social custom?

Large weddings and Facebook baby posts.

 

What trophy or prize do you most covet?

Not a prize, but a job: principal oboe of one of the top orchestras in the United States.

 

What do you wish you’d known at 18?

That the path of the turtle is just as fulfilling, if not more so, than the path of the hare.

 

Why Washington?

My family is here and I’ve spent most of my life here, so it feels like home. Also, there are a number of good career opportunities for musicians. Also, it’s just a good city!

Stephen Key, oboe, Benjamin Britten, gay news, Washington Blade

Stephen Key (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

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Advice

I make more money than my partner and getting resentful

She’s taking advantage of a joint credit card

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(Photo by Nik_Sorokin/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

I make a fair amount more money than my girlfriend does and I’m happy to contribute more to our life (we are both in our 20s and living together).

But Meg doesn’t seem to care how much money she spends and then asks me to front her when she’s running low. She seldom pays me back. 

Last week she had a big night on the town with her best friend (formerly her girlfriend) for the friend’s 30th birthday. She hired a limo and spent a lot on drinks and dinner. She put the entire night on our joint card which we are only supposed to use for shared household expenses, because she had maxed out her own card. Of course I will wind up paying for it. (And I am slightly jealous. Why am I paying for her evening out with her former GF?)

I pay for all sorts of stuff all the time because her credit card gets too big for her budget. 

And somehow I almost never end up getting her share of the rent, which is already prorated according to our incomes.

She always tells me she’ll pay me back but her tab pretty much just keeps getting bigger.

If I bring this up with her, she tells me I am cheap because I make a lot and we’re a couple; and if she made more, she’d have no problem sharing everything with me. 

Am I just being ungenerous? I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s an ingrate, but then I think if you’re in love, you shouldn’t be thinking of money, just taking care of the person you love.

Also, although I make more than she does, I’m by no means rich. I have my own student loans, and paying for the bulk of our lifestyle stretches me thin some months.

Michael replies:

For starters: Most couples must contend with some version of your struggle with Meg, because most couples have some income disparity.

Do you maintain a lifestyle that both of you can afford? That works for some relationships where the lower earner may not want to feel indebted to the partner who makes more. Other couples work out a system where they pay for expenses in proportion to their income. And in some instances, the higher earner may have a “what’s mine is yours” philosophy and the lower earner is OK with that.

What matters is that both partners come to a mutual agreement and are comfortable with the arrangement. In other words, they collaborate.

That’s not the case with you and Meg. You sound resentful, angry, and feeling like Meg is taking advantage of you.  

It’s great to be generous in your relationship, but it’s also important to have a boundary when you think it’s important to have a boundary. Yet you’re continuing to subsidize Meg even when you have trouble making your own ends meet. 

Important question: Have you told Meg that you’re stretched thin some months? If not, I’d be curious as to how you’ve made that decision. If so, I’d be curious as to Meg’s response.

If you don’t want to keep serving as Meg’s piggy bank, what is stopping you?  

There’s a great saying in psychotherapy: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Meaning, our “big” actions and reactions have their roots in our history.

Think about your life history: How does it make sense that you are acting like a powerless victim?  

Is not having a boundary an old and familiar dynamic for you? Were there important players in your life—for example, your parents—who insisted it was their way or the highway?  Or perhaps you learned as a kid that if you ever said “no” to your friends, there’d be negative consequences?

Now ask yourself what might be keeping you stuck in a relationship of resentment. Are you re-creating an old and familiar dynamic? Sometimes we keep putting ourselves in the same miserable situation, over and over again. What’s familiar can be comfortable, even if it’s miserable; and we may be trying to get some understanding of the dynamic and some power over it, to finally get it right.  

I’m just speculating here, to encourage you to think for yourself why you are staying in the dynamic you describe. You haven’t mentioned anything positive about your relationship, or about Meg.

Another possibility: I wonder if you might be so fearful of being alone that you’re willing to tolerate all sorts of treatment in order to stay in your relationship. Or perhaps you don’t think you deserve to be treated any better than this.

Again, if this is the case, where might this belief be coming from? Understanding why we are stuck in behaviors that keep us miserable can help us to get unstuck.

You have an opportunity to do something different here: Set a boundary and take power over your life. Perhaps if you did so, Meg would surprise you by shifting her stance, which would be good news if you have some good reasons to stay. Or perhaps she would not. Your challenge now is to get some sense of what’s holding you back, if you want something different for yourself. And unless you act on your own behalf, you will stay in this position. 

One more point to consider, regarding Meg’s dinner date with her ex: Whether or not anything is going on, I take your jealousy as a sign that you don’t trust Meg. And without trust, you can’t have a decent relationship.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Real Estate

April showers bring May flowers in life — and in real estate

Third time’s the charm for buyer plagued with problems

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As Dolly Parton says, ‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain’ (Photo by Rangizzz/Bigstock)

Working in the real estate sector in D.C. can be as uniquely “D.C.” as the residents feel about their own city. On any given day, someone could be selling a home that their grandmother bought, passed on to the relatives, and the transfer of generational wealth continues.  In that same transaction, the beginning steps of building of generational wealth could be taking place.

Across town, an international buyer could be looking for a condo with very specific characteristics that remind them of the way things are “back home.” Maybe they want to live in a building with a pool because they grew up by the sea. Maybe they want a large kitchen so they can cook grandma’s recipes. Maybe they will be on MSNBC once a month and need to have a home office fit for those Zoom sessions where they will be live on air, or recording their podcast.  Perhaps they play the saxophone and want a building with thick walls so they can make a joyful noise without causing their neighbors to file a cease-and-desist order.  

What I found fascinating was getting to know my buyers. Why were they purchasing their property? What did they want to do with it? Was this their grandmother’s dream that they would have a place of their own someday? Did they finally think they would write that award-winning play in the home office?  What dreams were going to be fulfilled while taking part in this transaction?  

Somedays, the muck and paperwork slog of navigating home inspection items and financing checklists could get to be distracting at best, and almost downright disheartening at worst.  

One of my clients was under contract on THREE places before we finally closed on a home. One building was discovered to have financing issues, and the residents were not keeping up with their condo fees. Another building had an issue with the title to the unit, which meant the seller could not sell the home for at least another year until that legal snag was resolved. As the months rolled by, she was losing heart and feeling defeated. When we finally found the third home, everything seemed great – and then about two weeks before the settlement, the rains came down and the windows leaked into the bedrooms.  

Another delay. (Our THIRD). This time, for several more weeks.

I think she wanted to pack a suitcase, go to the airport, get on a plane somewhere and never come back. What ultimately happened? The building repaired the windows, the seller’s insurance replaced the hardwood floors, and she bought her first condo, which she still enjoys to this day.  

As Dolly Parton says, “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain.”  And finally, after months of looking, waiting, and overcoming obstacles, the rainbow peeked out from behind the clouds.  


Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals.  He can be reached at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].

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Autos

Sporty sedans: BMW 530i xDrive, Mercedes AMG CLA 3

Tariffs are here and the result is financial chaos

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BMW 530i xDRIVE

It’s official: Tariffs are here, and the result is financial chaos. 

So, what to do when purchasing a new vehicle? If you need one in the not-so-distant future, buy sooner (like yesterday) rather than later. Expect prices to rise quickly, as inventory dwindles, demand soars, and automaker incentives evaporate. Of course, if a new ride isn’t a priority for at least a year or three, then hold off until the dust settles. 

But for those of you looking for new wheels now, I recently drove two sport sedans that were a pleasant reprieve from the usual plethora of pickups, minivans, and SUVs. 

BMW 530i xDRIVE

$63,000

MPG: 28 city/35 highway

0 to 60 mph: 5.5 seconds

Cargo space: 18.4 cu. ft. 

PROS: Rakish looks. Race-car vibe. Rock-star amenities. 

CONS: Rad-but-quirky infotainment system. Rich price.

IN A NUTSHELL: Classic good looks, from the iconic grille and swept-back headlights to chiseled side panels and a tasteful tush. For a gearhead like me, the BMW 530i xDrive — completely redesigned last year — is as rapturous as Michelangelo’s David. Everything here is in proportion, from the design to the drivetrain, which — along with a gutsy 255-hp turbo and all-wheel drive — helps deliver a divine experience behind the wheel. Even better, my test car came equipped with the heavenly M-Sport Package: 21-inch wheels, athletic suspension, and assorted styling upgrades. 

A tech-laden cabin is outfitted with a sparkly 12.3-inch digital instrument cluster and 14.9-inch touchscreen infotainment system. With the windshield head-up display and a slew of knobs and toggle switches in the center console and on the steering wheel, I wondered if this is how it feels to pilot the Space Shuttle. There is even a back-lit interaction bar with touch-sensitive controls to adjust vent direction and other climate control settings. 

All this gadgetry takes some getting used to, but the overall effect is dazzling. While a 12-speaker Harman Kardon stereo comes standard, I was jammin’ to the 16-speaker Bowers & Wilkins premium audio. Of course, such options add up quickly (on my test car, the extras totaled $13,000). 

Just how fun is this car? In my favorite episode of “Hacks,” sassy Jean Smart drives a rockin’ Rolls Royce Wraith. Trust me, this four-door BMW is every bit the badass as that $300,000 super coupe. 

MERCEDES AMG CLA 35

$58,000

MPG: 22 city/29 highway

0 to 60 mph: 4.8 seconds

Cargo space: 11.6 cu. ft. 

PROS: Slick styling. Spiffy cabin. Sublime seats.

CONS: Smallish trunk. So-so rear headroom and legroom.

IN A NUTSHELL: Need a smaller sedan that’s just as marvy as the midsize BMW i530? Look no further than the compact Mercedes CLA-Class, which is 14 inches shorter. That’s a benefit when jockeying for parking or navigating rush hour.

Another plus: This is Mercedes’s least expensive sedan, available in three trim levels. All come with the same potent turbo but in varying power levels. The base model starts at $46,000, but I tested the first of two high-performance versions: the AMG CLA 35, which costs $12,000 more. You can open your wallet even further to snag the $67,000 AMG CLA 45. 

But why bother? The AMG CLA 35 is plenty quick — faster than the BMW i530 — and boasts sport-tuned brakes, deft handling and a gritty-sounding exhaust system. The laundry list of standard features includes all-wheel drive, automated parking, gobs of the latest safety gizmos and even something called “safe-exit assist,” which prevents passengers from opening a door into traffic or speeding cyclists. 

The interior is pure Mercedes, with top-notch materials, customizable ambient lighting and Burmester surround-sound audio. The overall layout—sleek and modern, but with elegant stitching in the seats and on the door panels and dashboard—is comfortable and user-friendly. Digital displays and touchscreens are similar to what’s in the BMW i530, just smaller. 

Size matters, of course, which is why this vehicle’s shorter length can be a blessing but also a curse, especially when trying to squeeze passengers with longer legs into the backseats. And the dramatically sloped roofline, attractive from the outside, limits the amount of rear headroom and cargo space. Thank the automotive gods for panoramic sunroofs, which—at least for anyone in the front seats—makes this cabin feel surprisingly spacious.  

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